He Touched Me!
We vacationed with three kids and a dog.
We didn’t have a mini-van. The kids had coloring books and each other. Back then, cars weren’t equipped with video monitors or individual headphones.
I always “loved” hearing, “He touched me!” from the backseat.
Surprisingly, I touch people!
I touch people:
I get concerned about something and start asking questions. Is this thing ready to go? Did Paul take care of …? Are you aware that…? What about…?
I walk up behind a technician while they’re in the middle of something, tap them on the shoulder, and ask them about some “important” detail.
I found out that people don’t like me touching them.
Stop pestering:
In the nicest of ways she said, the people on the team don’t like you pestering them while they do their work. She didn’t use the term “pester.” It’s my interpretation.
Say it isn’t so! I’m a meddling perfectionist.
Thank teammates who put you in your place. It’s exactly what they should do.
3 things wrong with meddling:
I always hated it when my boss acted like everything was a crisis. The “big” project drove me nuts. I knew she would be up in my business. I wanted to say, “Chill out. I got this.”
- Your need to check details feels like lack of trust to others.
- You interrupt or distract people while they’re working.
- You don’t have enough information to interject yourself into the process.
5 ways to stop meddling:
- Establish expectations up front.
- Have “how can we be better meetings,” when things go well, where “meddling” is helpful.
- Create appropriate and useful channels of communication. Trust isn’t abdication.
- Allow people to perform without a safety net. It makes them strong.
- Learn from failure. Don’t repeat it.
Bonus: Establish a single point of contact who can deal with your inner meddler.
Have you had a meddling boss? What suggestions do you have?
How are you overcoming the urge to meddle?
We tend to worry to much, trust the individuals you have assigned the task! Use qualified individuals for what you need done, if they are not qualified get someone who is. We tend to overwhelm ourselves with miniscule items and miss the big picture. A job done right the first time by qualified individuals far out weighs the under qualified individuals who really can’t handle the load.
Thanks Tim. It’s all about the team. Start with great people and maximize their strengths. Honor their success and challenge them to reach high. AND get out of the way!
My greatest mentors, my parents, taught – and showed – me, from childhood, how to do things right the first time. How to do my best consistently. How to enjoy doing what’s necessary.
Dear Dan,
Single point of contact makes all the difference. I have seen leaders meddling where there is no single point of contact. In fact, there is no point of contact at all. It happens when leaders become either power centric or fearful. In both case they need something that can deal their concern. And in both the cases they become fearful. When people do not talk to them or do not pay attention,they become fearful. Similarly when fearful leaders do not get many people, they become more fearful. And they look for someone who can provide them safety.I feel meddling boss can be addressed by creating proper and accountable system in place. This can minimize meddling issue. Interestingly, it is the leaders who can create it.
It can reduce subjectivity and increase objectivity.
Meddling issue comes into play when careers of people may be shaky. So, it is important to create message and awareness about the safety of people. It can tremendously minimize the leadership meddling problem in many systems.
Thanks Dr. Gupta. You may like to know that the way she brought up my meddling was to say, “I think a single point of contact would be good.” … I’m totally impressed with how she thought this through and then let me know in a very nice way that I was meddling.
We all should be so fortunate.
Your “5 ways to stop meddling:” list is just right! And #1 and #5 frame it perfectly. It’s another “Where can I get the poster?”, and “I think I’ll print this out and slip it under my boss’s door.”
Trust is vital and is a two way street – does my boss have my back? does my team believe in my leadership? And it’s something that is difficult to build and easy to destroy.
Thanks Suzanne. Trust is so essential to work relationships. Can I trust you? If you are asking me about something, is it because you don’t trust me? Are you on my team? Thanks for joining in.
It would be interesting to see an article on how bosses can remain situationally aware in a manner that is not seen as “meddling”. When it comes down to it, the buck stops with the boss, and when something goes wrong, a good leader doesn’t say, I didn’t know.
From where I sit, situational awareness is not doing your employee’s job; it’s letting them do their job but remaining aware of topics and details so that you can do your job – leading and/or managing and/or reporting to your higher Command.
One of the complaints that many a boss hears is “You’re micromanaging me!” Often that complaint is used as a tactic to try and back off the boss. It may be valid; it may not be valid.
I’m not talking about how to effectively delegate; or, how to teach and mentor effectively; or, how to hold people accountable for their work; although, all of those things are part and parcel of the discussion.
Thanks G. Exactly! The meetings I have with key players and the single point of contact help me.
Another factor in the conversation is how close you are to the front line. Information needs go up the closer you are to the action. Trust becomes even more important the further you are from the front line, when all you have time for is the big picture.
Once again, the power of developing people comes front and center for me. If I’m going to keep my hands off, then I have to have people on the team who I can trust.
We have many senior leaders where I work who need to be in the “weeds.” It makes me crazy!They ask about minute details that should not be on their radar…daily…and without cause. They are like agressive and obtuse nosey neighbors instead of leaders of industry. I have several theories about this and you hit on a few of them…that this behavior of meddling stems from distrust in the people around them…which perhaps comes from some kind of fear…of what? Being wrong?
I also have to wonder if those senior leaders who need to be “in the weeds” are getting this from their leadership. Is this a trickle-down paradigm thing happening? Are their leaders asking them the right questions? What if we teach our senior leaders to step back and trust (key word) the folks who report to them and then those folks trust their leads, etc.? Instead of trickling down fear/distrust/chaos/annoying interruptions…why not trickle down trust, patience and faith in the people and processes? When senior leadership trusts the managers who report to them, it shows, and fosters an environment where when the eventual emergent issues do come up – because they do – people can confidently work together to find a solution instead of running around trying to babysit a manager who is freaking out…trust is a huge factor.
I just want to ask our senior leadership why they don’t feel they can trust their managers when they are the ones who are supposed to be coaching their managers…this makes me feel like they don’t trust themselves. I just don’t respect a manager who doesn’t feel confident enough in their leadership abilities to trust the people they “mentor & coach.” (It’s early on the west coast…barely had coffee…hope this makes sense…ha!)
Great post…this might be one of those posts that I print our and covertly hang up in the communal coffee areas…thank you!!
Thanks Margie. I’m glad you brought up the issue of the behavior of the people at the top. When they expect mid-level managers to know everything, they create meddling managers.
Some organizations expect leaders to know everything. They drive their leaders into the weeds.
glad you brought the expression “into the weeds” to this conversation.
PROFOUND STATEMENT!!!-> From MargieLink… I just don’t respect a manager who doesn’t feel confident enough in their leadership abilities to trust the people they “mentor & coach.”
Who hasn’t had a meddling boss?! Some 15 years ago, while working for an major international communications giant, I had to deal with the king of “Meddland”. And, you’re right, instead of supporting me along, his attitude forced me to spend extra time explaining to him why I had chosen to take each step of the unnecessarily painful process. How did I fix it, you ask? I simply made sure to be one or two stages ahead of the game; making sure to get advice from experienced people who knew how my boss liked things done. It only took a couple of months until he realized he didn’t need to constantly look over my shoulder to get the quality he expected.
Thanks Jorge. Your example is a reminder for those who have meddling bosses to take the bull by the horns and figure out how to get the boss out of your business. Love it.
Ouch! My inner meddler is wounded. Thank you.
Thanks John! Maybe we can comfort each other!
Employers say concerns; employees say pestering. With the employer being the Boss, I think the employees need to be thankful for jobs with a concerned Boss. As for getting your work done, I don’t care what type of business I go to, I have had to wait while the employees finish their conversations before waiting on me. Just a different point of view.
My story of He touched me: Twenty years ago I went to a major home improvement store that was going out of business. I took the last basket available. I noticed a young man looking for another basket. I knew I was just looking so I gave him my basket and walked away. While at the back of the store, a man with his wife came running up to me saying, “she’s the one, she’s the one!” Having been told by several well intended people all the things I had done wrong, ” I asked weakly, “what did I do?” The man said, “I told my wife you touched me! You touched me and I felt your warmth!” I have never told that story before. Thank you for reminding me. Peace, joy and Love, PJ
What happens when they really don’t “have this”? When the “meddling” keeps the bus from going off the cliff? Sometimes trust is misplaced, or too much leash is let out, and the task / function / project gets endangered. The responsibility for this lies squarely in my lap (as functional or project manager) and ultimately I will be held accountable for the outcome / deliverable. It’s a balance…
As a former(hopefully) meddler here are the tools I use to manage my “need to know, control” button. I have regular meetings with my staff—everyweek. During these meetings the first item on the agenda is, “Share something good”: everyone has to share one good thing going on-work or non-work related (sets the tone of the meeting) The second item always on the agenda is, “Share what you are working on currently”. Everyone has to participate by sharing and asking questions about the project(s). This does several things: keeps the group focused, allows all to celebrate successes, let’s others offer suggestions or assistance with any road blocks, let’s me know the status of every single project in a non-meddling manner. Just a simple thing that keeps me informed and fills up my need to know. My suggestion-commit to a beginning of the week staff meeting to build your team in numerous ways and save time.