Getting the Most From 5 People in Your Past
A dissatisfying past produces a dissatisfying future. But, dissatisfaction is just a way of thinking.
7 responses to your past:
- Justify yourself. You were right and they were wrong.
- Assign blame. You failed because someone else screwed up.
- Explain preferred behavior. You wish you would have…
- Justify a dissatisfying present. You struggle with trusting people because someone let you down in the past, for example.
- Reclaim it. You wish things were like they used to be.
- Grow on it.
- Stumble over it.
One thing you can change about your past is the way it impacts you now.
4 things you control about your past:
- The way you judge it.
- The way you let it guide or not guide present decisions.
- The way you welcome or reject it.
- The way it helps or hurts you.
The past changes today.
Getting the most from 5 people in your past:
#1. Lifters:
- Who made you better?
- How did they make you better?
- How would you like to emulate their behaviors?
#2. Jerks:
- Who ticks you off?
- What about them was frustrating?
- What do your frustrations say about you?
#3. Transformers:
- Who made a positive difference in the world?
- How did they make the world better?
- How would you like to emulate their behaviors?
#4. Wasters:
- Who didn’t matter? You forgot them.
- Why did you forget them?
- How can you not be like them?
#5. Hurters:
- Who hurt you?
- What about them was hurtful?
- How are you better because you’ve been hurt?
Reflecting on your journey is navigating the past with tomorrow in mind.
Messages from my past:
- Communicate more.
- Say what you want without defensiveness.
- Remain open to what others want.
- Relax!
- Release people and hold high standards.
- Open up when you feel like closing down.
- Care for people deeply and move forward. Coddling is an excuse for staying the same.
How can leaders best use the past?
What messages come from your past?
If I could change something about the past, I would have moved faster against problems I sensed/observed. I’m convinced that time is our friend in healing, but our enemy in diagnosis. Bottom line, when you sense/see something wrong, get after it….
Thanks Ken. Wisdom!
Great post Dan. I love the messages from your past. For me, I would add two. First stop making excuses for other people. I did a lot of this in my past. I’d reason why someone did it did not do something instead of holding them accountable. Second don’t get too comfortable or settle. We owe it to ourselves and others to be the best we can be, do the most we can do even if it means leaving the small safe pond.
Thanks Sarah. Your comment makes me smile. What a great observation.
In between the lines of your comment, I see a person who enjoys comforting people. I wonder if that’s true?
How does a comforter stop making excuses for other people?
Is it possible to bring the comforter and the challenger together?
It’s true and it is not easy to stop making excuses for others. My “challenge” is to be more of a challenger without losing all of the comforter. 🙂
Thanks for circling back. The ability to bring challenge and compassion together is the epitome of leadership character.
Our past becomes our guiding light if we choose to correct our mistakes and nurture the lessons. The future is what we are blessed with if we follow the guidelines till we are called to a better place.
Love your approach and have learned to live by it. It’s amazing how much easier it is to interact with people since learning this! (wink wink!)
Thanks Tim. “Our past becomes a guiding light if we choose to correct our mistakes and nurture the lessons.” WOW!
I never thought of the past as a guiding light.
Dan, I have tried to live by my lessons that I experienced and have seen others experience!
Shame on me if I did not learn the first time!
Powerful and inspirational. Thanks for circling back.
This is a fantastic exercise! My freshman English teacher in college had us do something similar, it was so incredibly uplifiting, perhaps I will revisit that exercise very soon! Many new people have been encountered since I wrote that paper a decade ago.
In fact, I’m having to wait an hour at the doc’s today for my gestational diabetes testing so this sounds like an excellent waiting room activity. So excited!
Perhaps the wait will be just long enough, but not too long. Best wishes for you and your unborn baby.
Thanks Shop. It’s great to be on the journey with you. Thanks for affirming these ideas.
One of the best ways that I have found to deal with past mistakes and hurts is to 1) realize that we will all go through times of trial and hurt, and 2) the best way to deal with these things is to look for the redeeming aspect of the event. In some cases, that redeeming aspect is that we will develop empathy for those going through the same event, and will be able to help them overcome and achieve greater success and contentment in this life.
I never look at the past, I am bad at historical events that took place in my life. I prefer to focus on now…and to look ahead of what I need and want.
If my past is communicating me something…that would be, leave it the way it is and accept what was.
I think to be an effective leader I should have healed with all past moments that were hurtful. My past has defined the person I am today. But today is what defines my future.
Have a nice weekend!
Don’t forget that we have to be able to forgive ourselves for past mistakes or we carry them forward into the present. Forgive yourself so that you can forgive others, process the mistake, learn from it, and become a stronger and a better more informed you . Sometimes easier said then done. I find I have to change they way I am thinking about it and be willing to own it to get there. Thanks Dan.
great questions to ask!
I especially like the messages from your past at the end.
All together, a thought-provoking read.
This is a sticky one for me.
Part of the past for me is related to trauma & abuse.
Those are some what “in another league” when it comes to impact & how to relate to / treat those with that in their past.
Curious if there are any active posts or forums or resources folks know of about leaders over coming past trauma relative to the future success of their endeavors?
All in all a good discussion, just wondering about some of the more intense gradations of past issues etc.
This is an amazing post, Dan. I couldn’t help to think about how much social media sometimes bring unwelcome people back into our lives–that high school “friend” who was never very nice to you, but seems to have forgotten that and “likes’ everything you do; or that coworker who made everyone in the office miserable suddenly wants to be your “friend.” There is an artificiality about becoming “friends” with people you had relegated to a past with which you had finally made peace.