12 Ways Leaders Humiliate Others
Foolish leaders use power and position to make others feel insignificant.
Humiliation motivates, but never in positive directions.
Showing disrespect invites disrespect.
Stealing someone’s dignity destroys passion and encourages disloyalty. You may feel you’ve won by putting someone down, but you always lose.
12 ways leaders humiliate others:
- Tying mistakes to character.
- Interjecting yourself into another’s public presentation.
- Pointing out flaws, mistakes, or shortfalls in public.
- “Innocent” sarcasm. Sarcasm is a coward’s way of saying what they really think.
- Assuming the worst, before exploring realities.
- Interrupting while someone is speaking.
- Asking questions that make subordinates look foolish.
- Giving unrequested advice, publicly.
- Making insignificant corrections and additions.
- Over-generalizing issues by using terms like “always.”
- Talking about someone as if they weren’t there.
- Stealing honor that belongs to another.
Destruction:
Belittled people engage in destructive behaviors.
When you disrespect others, they disrespect you. Most likely, they’ll do it behind your back.
People who feel disrespected feel empowered to lie, pilfer, sabotage, and self-protect at the expense of others.
7 ways to save another’s face:
Leaders protect the dignity of others.
- Be yourself. Don’t feel the need to lift yourself by putting others down.
- Believe others want to help, unless there’s clear evidence to the contrary.
- Ask, “What am I missing,” when you feel someone pushing back. Avoid the trap of pushing back when you feel push back.
- Bolster the image of others in the eyes of others.
- Speak in private when confronting or challenging.
- Employ good manners, always. Another’s poor behavior is never an excuse for you to behave in-kind.
- Speak the truth with kindness. Smile, unless a smile might seem frivolous or disrespectful.
Feeling respect is feeling valued. Giving respect is valuing others.
Why it matters:
Make it safe to collaborate.
Collaborative environments require trust that’s built on respect.
How do leaders steal the power of others?
How might leaders protect the dignity of others?
All are terrible actions – but #5 is the absolute worst as I see it. It’s all about respect and trust… How can anyone assume the worst?
Thanks jcbjr. As I think about it, I think hot emotion may be behind some of these destructive behaviors.
This sounds like a Steve Jobs leadership path – why do some of those succeed so well ? It’s an interesting contrast to this point of view ( which I adhere to ). I’d love to hear your take on that dichotomy – of course I guess there’s more than one way to skin a cat.
Thanks Bill. It’s true that some strong personalities get away with negative behaviors. In some cases, perhaps we should learn to dance around unusually gifted people. It sounds contradictory to what I wrote. I wonder if intention is part of this discussion. I’ve seen talented people who are unintentionally hard to work with. Then there are some leaders who are just jerks. Thanks for bringing this up.
Thanks – the process of leadership is complicated, and many faceted. I agree with the ideas you are promoting.
Beautiful list. I hope this one goes viral. I’m always astounded at why any “leader” would choose to act this way, and yet most of these behaviors are rampant in some organizations. I think the most dangerous part is when their followers choose to emulate these behaviors and the toxic cycle continues.
Thanks Karin. Glad you joined in today. You make me think about organizational cultures where humiliation is accepted because those in power use it. In some organizations, stepping on people is part of getting ahead. Ugh!
Perhaps our views of power and authority play into this discussion.
Anybody should have the expectation that they are treated with respect and good manners.
I make it clear to other managers around me: you humiliate/insult/belittle my people, you humiliate/insult/belittle me. If you want to have a pop at my people, go ahead. But keep very firmly in your mind that I’m standing with them. If you’re not big enough to do it to me, don’t do it to them.
Thanks Mitch. You make me think about the role a leader plays in creating safe environments. When we believe someone has our back, we take more risks.
Bravo, Mitch and Dan! In a safe work environment, managers and supervisors always do their best to cover their employees’ backs. Employees believe it, see it, feel it, and know it!! In kind, employees will go to great lengths, and withstand much, to do their best work and go the extra mile. Consistently, willingly and conscientiously.
Dan, that’s an excellent list. To keep myself from the behaviors you point out, I often remind myself (and share with my coaching clients) of the late Mary Kay Ash’s advice: “Pretend that every single person you meet has a sign around his or her neck that says, ‘Make me feel important.’ Not only will you succeed in sales, you will succeed in life.”
Thanks Alan. Powerful! We can take that one to the bank. Glad you jumped in. All we have to think about is what will produce the greatest benefit in our relationships. But, beyond that, it’s not just about getting results, it’s about servant leadership.
Very heartfelt and important post, Dan. You speak to humility a lot. Now humiliation.
Every time we speak, our character is on parade. In Matthew 15:11-18, Jesus said: “Those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart.” Jesus offended the Pharisees when He also said, “Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man.”
They thought they were right with God because they followed strict rules, including ritual
cleansing of their hands before eating–and eating only “clean” foods. Jesus upset their pride. And Jesus upsets our pride too. We think we’re godly people because we attend church regularly or pray, but then we gossip about people behind their backs. James 3:9-10 says,
“With our tongue we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men…Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing…These things ought not to be so.” We need to examine our heart and then use our tongue to ask the Lord to forgive us and to help us be a blessing to others.
Thanks Books. Our words reveal our character. Powerful!
Those are some deep words, makes a person think. we are who we show the world after all.knowing how to communicate effectively while navigating the nuances of human nature is what makes a good leader
Thanks Richie. Let’s keep learning to treat people as individuals.
Great post Dan and great reminder of our impact, good and bad, as leaders and people. I try to avoid the bad behaviors and I am going be courageous and send this to my staff and ask if I have ever done these things. Hopefully they will be honest and I can learn what I may need to focus on changing to become a better leader. Thanks again!
Thanks Mark. The word courageous seems appropriate. I like the question, “How can I be better?” Your activity seems to fit in that category. Best wishes.
Nice list ! My favourite quote about leadership is to “lead by example” I feel it really sets the scene about what is expected 🙂
Thanks chasinggains. Lead by example or don’t lead at all.
Good morning Dan;
You could have easily titled this Blog; “How to spot and identify BUTT-HEAD LEADERS.” To anyone who see’s a bit of themselves in these example’s, ‘YOU’ might just be a Butt-Head Leader.
Ya know it’s funny Dan. Few if any would argue the positive benefit of treating others with compassion, respect, and dignity. People that are inspired by effective leaders are more productive, more willing to take on change & new challenges. On the flip-side, people that work for a Position/Authority driven boss, (just can’t call these folk’s leaders Dan), are far less productive, rarely think outside the box, never volunteer, and quite frankly are ‘NOT’ going out of their way to do anything to make the Boss look good or to make his job easier.
Gota go Dan. Lot’s of preparation for tomorrow’s Surgery.
Cheers Dan
SGT Steve
P.S. If I was writing a book on Leadership, this chapter would be titled,
“You just might be a ‘BUTT-HEAD’ Leader if…” LOL
Thanks SGT. It’s one thing to know that treating people with dignity is better than humiliating them., It’s another to have enough self-confidence to actually do it.
Nice title and best wishes.
This is a great list! In my view/experience the reasons for this behaviour often lie in some sort of insecurity – either the leader is not confident in their own ability, or their own position is in some way under threat. Learning to communicate with the leader in the most appropriate way (i.e. recognising their communication preferences, as well as their ‘issues’) may help.
Thanks Stephen. Yes, I think fear motivates us to act in ways to protect ourselves, even if it harms others.
Agreed, Dan! It follows that, understanding the motivation for undesirable or threatening behaviour makes us better able to avoid feeling undermined by it, and also to mitigate it via our response.
Dan,
The old cliche’ comes to me “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then say nothing at all”.
Thinking of my past experiences learning to be a better listener would have saved me a few “foot in mouth insertions”, often times the speaker/Leader create tangents that become construed their intent and the understanding what was said! We tend to be too judge mental at times not knowing the entire picture.
Thanks Tim. I’m glad you added listening to this topic. NOT listening devalues others.
Listening is a key way to let others know they matter. I find that staying present takes concentration and is harder than you might think.
hello Dan, that’s an expository post! I’m quote confused about number 1. If u have an employee who constantly (and carelessly) makes mistakes, aren’t u gonna consider such a person unreliable? so will it be humiliation if i consider this person incapable and therefore stop delegating duties to him/her?
We might want to consider the exceptionally creative leader. Creativity needs to flow, it doesn’t flourish in a filtered environment. A creative person might blurt out things and if you’re in the way, they didn’t mean to hurt you, they just didn’t notice you (I know it huts, it’s just not intentional). Creative individuals are very important to an organization (think Steve Jobs), but maybe they should lead projects, not people. Just saying :).
Well, what do you do when that person is the boss and feel it is their priviledge to “joke” – “remember who signs your check”… with a smirk…… thinks its funny………. and lets staff members know your shortcomings……. and every time they see you when you come into the office. remind you “of course joking” and let everyone else know if they have not heard it each time……………….very toxic. how do you stop them???. TRIED: joking back, pointing out the facts not appropriate or legal……. tried to not react, tried to not let it bother. Have noticed boss is harder on woman than men. i am amazed he can still get away with this. There is not a specific HR to report these concerns/issues, only board members. it is a non-profit org. help so i can help others. thanks.! Fortunately it is not me, but care of those whom this is happening to.
This seems to speak to the self-awareness discussed here a few days ago. A leader who feels the need to belittle and second-guess his or her subordinates really needs to ask themselves why they tend to hire and surround themselves with so many “inferior” people to begin with. Maybe the problem is really with the leader, and on some level, he or she knows it.
I think anyone who behaves like that isn’t a leader at all.
Great insight thank you.
I worked for the Australian Post Office for many years, my observations of the management approach there were very negative,humiliation was a daily event aggression was to be expected.
The organisation lost many good people because of this approach, I suspect now looking back that it was all part of a strategic plan to push long serving staff out and replace them with compliant new employees,.a truly disgusting experience I have to say.
Some of the most arrogant and rude people I ever met were members of a Pentecostal church who had events at a venue where I worked,they spoke to our staff in a way which could only be described as “I’m better than you” I never did figure out why.