If You Can’t be with the One You Love
You’d love to avoid them, but you’re forced to work with them. Why can’t that “pain in the neck” co-worker, boss, or employee just go away?
But, “If you can’t be with the one you love, … love the one you’re with.” Stephen Stills
It’s difficult to feel good about people who have so many weaknesses.
Weakness:
Leaders fuel negativity when they focus on weaknesses and forget strengths.
You hired them for their strengths. Why focus on their weaknesses? You end up disliking the people you serve.
The things that irritate you about others are things you think you do well. I hate whining, for example. I don’t do it. I don’t want you to, either. But, I find myself whining about whiners. You believe you connect with people. But, is it just the people you like?
Love the one you’re with:
Cheryl Bachelder’s first reflection point in, “Dare to Serve,” is, “How do you think about the people you lead? Are they a ‘pain in the neck’ or essential to the future success of the organization?
“What are the specific qualities you love in the people you lead?” Bachelder
Today’s leadership project:
Write a list of the top seven qualities or behaviors you love about a teammate. Do this everyday until you cover every member of your team.
Next step:
After completing today’s list, go to that teammate and say, “One of the things I admire about you is ….” Don’t ask for anything. Just show respect.
Reality check:
Some teammates don’t fit your organization. Seek what’s best for them by managing them out. That’s another post.
How might leaders shift from a negative to a positive focus about teammates?
When is it useful to focus on weaknesses?
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It is very true that leaders fuel negativity when they focus on weaknesses and forget strengths. Fortunately, I work for a company that focuses on strengths.
Great post! How often do we focus on what someone can’t do instead of what they can do? It’s always best to try catch people doing things right and build from that.
This is a great post, Dan! Empathetic leaders focus on their team members as whole individuals – strengths and weaknesses. It isn’t easy, but is achievable, to encourage team members to grow their weaknesses into strengths… or at least the weakness is nurtured and no longer weak.
Consider why you think of that person negatively. Is it because she intimidates you? Is that person a real or perceived threat to you because his skills/experience/knowledge are more advanced than yours? Are you jealous?
Or is the person’s lack if skills make her a poor performer and therefore a potential reflection of your managerial/leadership skills? Or perhaps that person is just truly unlikable! I find that it is best to consider your own biases and feelings before saying, “Jane is the worst!” Also, talk to other colleagues to find out what their experiences with that person are like. That will often speak volumes and provide you with great insight. Thanks!
Nice post, it stimulates a lot of thought. I think you want to focus on people’s strength and what they can, but at the same time try to get them to improve their weaknesses for when they have to do the things they are not the greatest at.
I had the pleasure to work in a leadership role within a company that realistically in hindsight was never going to last in the location in which it had situated itself though succesfully would withstand the market in which it positioned itself. The business went through months and months of constant change and development in order to keep the business center profitably alive for as long as possible in a rural location giving people an opportunity of having the choice to work more socially accepted hours and avail of paid holidays and bank holidays as opposed to working in the hospitality industry.
During a spell of unrest and unease amongst staff where irritability and tensions had risen to a high level I used a simple exercise tool that was used in a class I attended as a child to help others see themselves more positively and raise a smile or two. After all the common denominator between all adults is that we all used to be kids, I believe 🙂
Each Team Manager was asked to collate the information.
The Team Manager handed out a sheet of paper and each individual noted each team members names down on the sheet. Against each name they wrote a positive fleeting comment that they noticed about that individual, something that captured their attention. Be it a mannerism, fashion statement, looks, likes, voice, how they helped people etc etc.
Each Team Manager then took all the sheets, collated each line against each individual and returned it to that said person. Each sheet contained 14 anonymous positive comments contributed by their team members. Each member got to read their list out to the group. This is a very humbling exercise and never fails to amaze me in noting how each of us sees something unique in each person and how when the person reads through the list they begin to realise how special they are within a group setting.
I suppose you could always reverse it and list all the bad stuff, but that just never seemed to make sense when they all had sold themselves well at interview to get the job !! As they say when the novelty of the new job position wears off, that is when you discover which employees are worth their creative diverse mental weight in gold.
KaPow! Thanks Imelda.
How did so many old kids get hired?
I laugh Bob, we all have the tendency to revert to old kid’s behaviour if the tension on the elastic band is stretched enough 🙂
Excellent point of view Dan although weaknesses like whining can bring down co-workers and make them less productive. Hopefully, an individual’s weakness can be overcome by a team’s stengths.
Dr. Pinzon,
“…it is best to consider your own biases and feelings before saying, “Jane is the worst!””
Excellent suggestion which should be printed on card stock, laminated in plastic and taped to the top if every managers’ desk and to the walls in front of and behind their desks. In other words, always check our own biases especially if we hired the employee. Employees do not hire themselves so look in the mirror if you employee is not what you expect.
Thanks,
Bob
I think the “Leadership Project” you mentioned and the “Next Step” will start to transform that individual and the organizational culture. Thank you for this insightful Post!
I’ve always believed that when Jesus said, “Love thy neighbor,” he meant the neighbor I have, not the one I would choose. Same for peers, subordinates, managers, spouse, children, in-laws, spiritual community members, & yes, my pain-in-the-ass neighbor. Can I dare to love & engage creatively with what IS?
The idea of listing the good qualities of each employee would also be a great team building activity. This could be a powerful confidence booster also. Thanks for the idea! Great post.
Good morning Dan;
Your statement; “you hired them for their strength’s, why focus on their weakness”, is spot on. You can’t force a square peg in uh round hole, & you can’t teach a chicken to bark, “you both just get frustrated.” The best Leaders build teams who’s members possess diversified skills and talents. People excel when they are properly placed in their sphere’s of influence. ‘No one’ does everything perfect. As always, it’s about building positive working relationships through getting to know your people. Leaders that strive to create an atmosphere where (teammate’s realize) success truly is “a team effort”, have already won half the battle!
Good one my friend.
“Cheers Dan”
SGT Steve
I learned early on to embrace different personalities, including the ones that drive me nuts. On the street level view they drive me crazy, resist changes I want and generally make my life more difficult. The 1,000 foot view makes me realize they challenge me to make my ideas better, they force me to ensure the changes I want are good for the big picture and they make me a better leader by helping me see the full impact of changes on my team.
A leader builds others up based on those strengths
The article reminded me of our tendency to idealize what we wish we had from others rather than realistically accepting their combination of strengths and weaknesses. As a supervisor, I tend to rely too much on my instinct to want to correct rather than build up.
I’m more interested in the referred-to post on how to “manage out” those who defy all efforts to fit into ANY hole, regardless of shape. My greatest frustrations in law enforcement leadership and management were incompetent bad political hires who, for various reasons, “couldn’t” be discharged – at least until they screwed up something important enough to snap the boss back to reality. Larger organizations may be able to absorb some dead wood, but small agencies are perpetually held back by these people and by the effort expended to try and find something productive that they can actually do. When the entire staff is constantly disrupted and distracted by another staffer’s incompetence and/or intransigence, responsible leadership owes more to the many than to the one.
What a GREAT article! So many times we focus on the negatives and forget to look at and build the strengths in others! I, personally, like your idea of making a list of the top seven qualities of each teammate, and then going to each person and personally telling them one of the qualities that you admire in them. What a nice way to show you care and an even better way to begin focusing on the strengths, rather than the negatives!
We lost a lead Administrator early in the year, and while I co-shouldered the responsibilities with a colleague, I was surprised by how difficult I found providing affirmations to staff, when I consider that one of my primary strengths. Without quality input/feeding of myself for a period of time, it became very evident that I wasn’t ‘filling the cup’ of others, and quickly recognized how easy it is to focus on the negativity in that state. Thanks for a great post – and I’d LOVE a copy of this great book! I look forward to sharing the ‘leadership project’ with staff as we seek to ‘finish strong’ in the remaining 8 weeks!
I can’t believe how timely this is. My former company has just gone through the third leadership change in 8 years and each new COO has brought in their own team and has laid off or fired those that don’t fit “their” image. This method has now cost them 2 huge contracts and has put the existence of the firm in jeopardy. I’d love to share this book with the current COO and hope he gets a clue.
We played this game at work in one of our ProD days. It is a great exercise. And we returned to work not remembering what we just learned. My motto is I don’t have to like them and love is a given. I am at peace with this I learn to deal with any one from the lowest rank to the highest with equal treatment. No exception.
All things in moderation & balance. Having sufficient focus on other’s strengths is great as a way to appreciate what they bring to the party. But weaknesses represent business risks — and require appropriate leadership attention (i.e., focus) to mitigate the risk exposure posed to the enterprise. Balance…
Lots of insightful and interesting comments here today! Early in my career I had a manager that focused on weaknesses. So because of this, I have always made a priority to focus instead on strengths. I am going to begin the suggested leadership project. For me, recognizing the seven qualities won’t be very difficult, probably telling them might be a bit more so. Sounds like a great book!
Let’s start with the obvious: (1) Absolutely nobody is perfect in the view of themselves or anyone else – too many options to be aligned!!! And (2) I believe at least, if a person was chosen for the team, most likely they bring some unique thing(s) to the team – virtually guaranteeing one or more of these or others will not align. Great advice here: Keep the positives in control!!!
Dan:
Many of the hiring decisions are made by making a trade off between ‘strength’ and ‘weakness’. To me that is a serious mistake that will come to bite the company or team later on.
When we focus on the ‘strength’ to the exclusion of everything else, we have moved to a one-dimensional thinking of satisfying an urgent requirement within the organization.
The truth is that, the organization is going to take some other direction in response to the changed market conditions. Now, the ‘we need that strength’ fallacy is going to show !
In the first place, the weakness’s that will be a liability in changed scenarios should not be ignored, else they will be bigger than the strengths. I am not talking skills but attitude, outlook etc.
The best that a leader can do, is have a candid discussion with the individual and let him go! We can recover faster from this one time pain than all time mediocrity !!
warm regards
Saifi.
Bangalore, India.
Dan, We work to align the positive with the negative in hope of building a total positive! Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t, some eggs are harder to crack than others as you know. We need to coach the weakest link to build a successful outcome for all, if companies and individuals are going to succeed. Some people just need to be left go sad to say!
Dan, this is going to sound a bit funny and tangential to the issue at hand: “Don’t ever leave the one you love for the one you like, because “the one you like will leave YOU for the one they love.” Sometimes this is true when we “manage people out” believing that the next person will be better. The only time the grass is greener on the other side is when we don’t water OUR side.
Two persons of note told us a leader’s job is to “inspire” or “lift” others. The first was Jesus Christ. The other was Abraham Maslow—who can be said to be the father of Positive Psychology. While others were studying why people do not succeed, both of these of persons of history were preaching the art, science and beliefs of why man could, would and did enjoy prosperity as a birthright—by nature–once certain needs of their “will” were met.
Dan, you ask the essential question: “When is it useful to focus on weaknesses?” I think the answer is always or never…depending if one is “introspective” or not. When we look inwardly and contemplate who we are, what we do, how we do things, take inventory of how we feel about ourselves, and see ourselves through the lens of introspection—we need not focus on our weaknesses, for we will know them among things we’ve done or failed to do. And we will correct them and stand corrected.
All of us want to feel better and be better. A few of us just don’t know how. A bit of introspection reaps a lot of peace and immense self-correction.
When I feel that someone doesn’t fit I can’t help but reflect that in my tone and body language. What is worse for anyone than feeling like they don’t belong? The activity in your post of thinking through the behaviors that we like is more about changing our attitudes toward them than encouraging right behaviors.
They give me trouble and call it work, I give them work and they call it trouble.
Our faith leads us and the resonance can not be accepted other than this power.
There were trials with children from confidence in their abilities and talents
– more than fulfilled the expectations of the teachers!
Maybe sometimes it just needs more patience and some intuition,
so that the result may develop.
From weakness strength can transform and vice versa.
Faith can move mountains known (placebo effect)
– we have more undiscovered forces than we think. Believe … 😉
Perhaps we may learn to cultivate letting go always in the first step.
The desired potential is like a seed, it needs light (positive energy)
– Hope and Care (Love it) – Time and Space (Width – Freedom) to grow.
Demand within the meaning of and promote in the Balance
– a climate of growth and appreciation.
The hermetic provides clear and simple approach
– the active forces are polar!
Strength and weakness have other players and paradox – they can weaken
and strengthen – they can complement each other and eliminate etc.
The we-effect is a sacred power.
The interaction of the compound – is a sacred bond strength.
Love the one you’re with – that is very wise.
Love the one you’re with – be aware.
Love yourself and be peace.
Happy Eastern
– wish you all a peaceful & lucky time
Warm regards. Beate
My team consists of 50+ teachers and 50+ staff members. I intend to write the 7 qualities for each one. What a powerful positive project.
I also enjoy yours insights.
good points – it’s so easy to take the good for granted, and focus on the shortcomings. In the sports world, the goal is to put players into the role they can succeed at – as managers we can do that as well.
Another very timely post, Dan! It really speaks to me 😉
I love the idea about listing 7 positive qualities about each teammate and then sharing one with each. Generally, I feel a deep appreciation for my teammates and the strengths they bring to our organization. Remembering to communicate that appreciation is where I can tend to fall short…sometimes it’s because I worry that I’ll fall into the trap of “trying to be fair” by making sure everyone is included which then can make the compliments seem insincere. But most of the time it’s because I get distracted by all of the other demands of the day. As I complete your challenge, I think I can avoid the insincerity trap by ensuring that my feedback is very specific to each individual. The way you have framed the challenge also makes it feel more manageable since the focus is on one person per day.
Regarding the part about managing someone out, I agree that there is a time and place for that as well and I look forward to your future post(s) about that. In the book “Good to Great,” Jim Collins talks about not only getting the right people on the bus, but also getting them in the right seats on the bus, all while getting the wrong people off the bus. Sometimes a person’s strengths aren’t a fit for the role they’re in. Regardless of who hired him or her, it’s the leader’s job to address this in the interest of the greater good of the organization. Obviously the leader should first make every attempt to help uncover the strengths/skills necessary for the person to be successful. However, if the leader has provided support and it’s still evident that this “isn’t the right bus”, then coaching/managing them out of that role in dignified way may be a demonstration of the highest form of compassion.
Focusing on strengths is empowering -such a leader is a catalyst and will be in high demand; however, there are times when focusing on weaknesses is useful and appropriate. When mitigating risk or hazards, is beneficial to consider weaknesses. For example, when pairing up a pilot / copilot aircrew, you want to consider both strengths and weaknesses -sometimes combined weaknesses negate combined strengths almost setting up that aircrew for failure.
fact…
Thanks!!! I blushed when I read, “the things that irritate you about others are the things you think you do well.” I often complain about one particular person who always complains…… Less complaining, more focusing on her strengths because actually she has many.
Thanks Erika. I respect your self-reflection. Best for the journey.
Scenario for Thought: What if you’re hired to a leadership position where an internal candidate – who applied for and did not get the position you were hired for – remains? This person also works in passive aggressive style behind the scenes to undermine your authority, yet it is difficult to “catch” this toxic behavior. The person is actively looking outside the company but is not finding success. Suggestions?
And then there are the times when you just have to love the weaknesses of the people you work with; their weaknesses make room for others on the team, they show us we need each other, they keep us humble, they allow us to serve one another and (sometimes) even to laugh together.
Other people’s strengths can be a great help when we need them and their weaknesses may be what makes it worth working with them.
Thank you so much for you’re wonderful posts. They brighten my day every time I read them and switch my brain to the right frequency. Keep it going! I really enjoy reading it.
Focusing on strengths instead of weaknesses. So simple, yet really insightful. I find it important to do this for ourselves as well.
Thank you for acknowledging that sometimes people are just not a good fit and that a good leader helps to manage them out.
I’ve shared this story many times in workshops on this topic. I was a minister in a church with amazing musicians. We had four piano players, two highly skilled, one who was talented and the fourth who could get us through a church service in a pinch and served as a backup to the other three.
One particular Sunday the fourth was on deck. Following the service I complemented her on the great job she did, to which she replied, “Oh, I hit so many bad notes.” So I asked her how many bad notes she hit. 14 or 15 was her response, so I asked her how many good notes she hit, “I don’t know.” she replied.
Then I said this to her, “We sang songs for about 30 minutes, in that time you must have hit 100’s of good notes. Why would you focus on those few bad ones and not the 100’s of good ones?”
This principle of focus is true of people, work, etc. Everyone has a few bad notes in them but for the most part people are good and have the best of intentions in what they do. The problem comes in when we focus on their few bad notes and not the 100’s of good ones.
My dad died at 63, I had opportunity to share this story with him one year before he passed away during a conversation with me where he started to rehash his mistakes a a father. I stopped him shared this story and told him about all the good notes I thought he his, while at the same time acknowledging there were a few bad ones. Then I told him this, “Dad you can spend the rest of your life beating yourself up over those few bad notes or you can focus on the 100’s of good ones and pat your self on the back for being a great dad.”
Love this post. I plan to start writing 7 qualities of every co-worker today!
If weakness(s) has a counter affect to the culture of your program then as a leader you need to help that individual grow/improve their weekness(s). How else do/would you maximize their potential growth?