5 Principles for Finding Release
The dark side of leading is the secret pain you can’t release.
7 reasons leaders can’t release painful experiences:
- Feel the pain, still.
- Fear recurrence.
- Don’t feel heard.
- Have an ax to grind.
- Prefer blame to responsibility.
- Struggle to forgive.
- Want to remind you how you failed.
Painful experiences often overshadow joys.
Release:
Letting go is the harder part of moving forward.
- Failures haunt.
- Offenses sting. Fear of pain blocks joy.
- Unmet expectations weigh down. A disappointing past grows heavier with time.
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” Herman Hesse
5 principles for finding release:
- Press through painful experiences. Don’t wait for pain to disappear.
- Grow tender, not hard. Deep hurts often keep hurting.
- Stay vulnerable, not foolish.
- Listen to the darkness. What positive message comes through your painful experience?
- Forget forgetting. Forgetting is a pipe-dream. Release is a recurring behavior.
5 ways to come alongside:
- Accept, don’t reject or correct, their sadness.
- Ask questions.
- Listen.
- Reject the need to make it better.
- Turn them toward the future, gently.
Future:
The only way to build the future is to do it now.
If you wait for the future, you repeat the past.
5 questions that help others find the future:
- What’s important about those painful experiences?
- If things were better, what would they be like?
- How might this expand your potential? Pain humbles the heart and quiets the spirit.
- What forward-facing behaviors might you engage in today?
- What would you like from me? Don’t let them brush this question off. Wait for an answer.
How are you a better leader because of painful experiences?
How have you helped others grow through painful experiences?
a wonderful post for Easter day You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. Maya Angelou
Thanks Tom. Don’t allow defeat to defeat you. 🙂
Talk about a message on forgiveness! Another good Sunday with you.
Thanks,
Alan Garner
Thanks Alan. Have a great week.
Going through trials and challenges, even when we are not successful allows us to become better and stronger leaders, as long as our response is to focus on learning. In those cases where we are not successful it can be extremely difficult to let go and move forward. I have and continue to struggled with this in my own life. But one thing I know is that if we can’t or won’t let go, we hold ourselves back from growing. We hold ourselves back from success for our team and ourselves.
Thanks Jay. “as long as our response is to focus on learning.” <—- Nailed it.
A timely post as I walk a journey with a buddy needing release. Thanks.
Thanks Dale. Don’t you just want to make it happen? 🙂
Great post! If we don’t let go of things that are holding us back, there is very limited energy for new ideas and experiences.
Thanks Mim. It’s great how the world opens up when we let go of worn out ideas.
Depending on where you are, releasing the pain might not be something you can easily or safely do. Despite what it says on the internet, in many organisations, vulnerability is NOT strength. Vulnerability equals weakness. If you show weakness or vulnerability you WILL be attacked. Which animal do pack predators go after? The once they sense is vulnerable.
The same goes for forgiveness: it’s difficult to forgive someone who is not only not remorseful but might well be waiting for a chance to try again! You don’t forgive a wolfpack: thereare only three option there: you dominate the pack until you get “beaten” for good, you “kill” the pack, or get right away from the pack. You can’t “forgive” them: it’s their nature.
Thanks Mitch. You bring up the topic of public vs. private release. Release as public venting seldom takes us where we want to go.
Thanks also for bringing up the thorny issue of forgiving where there isn’t remorse. I wonder about unilateral forgiveness while keeping our guard up. It starts to look like always working for the best of the organization, even when there are some jerks in it.
Best for the journey.
I have had some bitter times recently with my managers at my new work place not understanding my idea for a bit of high tech solution and my ability in the company, but I have accepted the conditions of where these people come from and have decided to forgive, let it go and move on. It’s like Dan wrote in one of his previous blogs- it’s all about you, not them.
I was furious in the beginning, angry – how come you do not understand me, when I looked at their backgrounds on Linked in, set into high tech conversations and what apps they use, I understood that they did not see my point at all, it’s like 10 -20 yr. technological gap between us….
Thanks Anita. I respect your candor and transparency. One thing to keep thinking about is how do you further your career in this context. Giving up may not help you. I wonder if there is a way to slowly move the agenda forward, a pilot program, for example.
Pulling back too much limits your contribution and limits your career, especially if you move to another organization.
As your posts almost always are, this one has lots of great ideas / suggestions. It is tough to view the past as over, serving only as a learning opportunity (good or bad) for the future. Whether it’s something we don’t want to revisit or don’t see value in revisiting, the prime responsibility of those around us I believe is being “there” in support of our moving forward. Only we can (and we should) move forward – choice again – and those around us can and should understand their critical supportive role.
Thanks jcbjr. This post came out of an acknowledgement of your key point. Painful experiences aren’t simply over. In one sense the past is never over. Thanks for expanding my thinking. It’s a fascinating topic.
Wow – such a great post, and so very timely! I’m walking through my own opportunity to ‘release’ a variety of hurtful experiences, both professionally and personally. I’ve had a life mantra of ‘good and getting better’, and I think it couples well with this post. My takeaway is to focus on using these opportunities to get better, not bitter. Appreciate the helpful insight, Dan.
Thanks Jeri. “Good and Getting Better” … sounds like you’re still doing it! Best
Thanks for the post Dan. Sometimes it is very difficult to let go of painful experiences. The only thing that works for me is to think, “What did I learn from this? What will I do differently next time?” And then of course, time is a great healer…it’s funny when I can’t even remember what I was so upset about!