Coaching to Capitalize on Frustration
Don’t say calm down. Capitalize on frustration.
Frustration is energy.
Energized toddlers fall down kicking and screaming, when they can’t have candy before breakfast.
The message of frustration? Give me what I want.
Useless frustration is:
- Lost perspective. It inflates and exaggerates.
- Self-accusation. It turns inward.
- Attack. It turns outward.
- Distraction.
Useful frustration is:
- Motivation to confront uncomfortable situations.
- Courage to speak awkward truths.
- Passion to make things better.
- Focus.
Capitalize on frustration by turning it toward problems and situations not personalities and people.
7 questions for coaching to capitalize on frustration:
Those who feel heard are released from repeating the same words.
- What do you want? Frustration spirals out of control until you give it direction. Don’t move forward until you know where you’re going.
- What happens if you don’t get what you want?
- How is it bad for our organization, if you don’t get what you want? Introduce the big picture.
- What happens if you get what you want?
- How is it good for our organization, if you get what you want?
- What imperfect behaviors make things better? Imagine multiple solutions.
- What are you ready to do about this?
- Avoid propagating helplessness by solving situations others should solve themselves.
- Draw a line and start fresh. Digging up the past increases distracting baggage. Stay focused on what you want in the future, not what happened in the past.
- Choose the controllable. Frustration turns to positive energy when you focus on behaviors within your control.
- Practice behaviors. Tell me the words you’ll use. Explain behaviors, specifically. When will you do this?
People stop circling problems when they start working on solutions.
Bonus: Ask, “How can I help?” But, only ask after they’re vested.
How might leaders capitalize on frustration?
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I wonder if it would be useful to start by asking what positive things can come from this frustration. That would seem to help segment whether it’s useful or a negative that comes from some unresolved past pathology.
Thanks James. Ask the most obvious questions! 🙂
How do we benefit by addressing this situation?
What does this frustration say about us? You?
What isn’t in place, that allowed this to happen? (too confusing???)
What would prevent this from happening in the future?
Cheers
I must admit my coaching game is tested when someone in the team is frustrated. I haven’t yet perfected the art of turning that moment into an opportunity – for them, me and the broader organization. And by “not yet perfected” I mean “I generally suck at it”!
Having said that, I can see how this can easily be turned into a great coaching moment. I think one of the questions I’ve picked up from a previous post was “what would great look like?”. It’s a good one to help turn frustration into action. The key, to me, is in your statement about feeling heard. I know when I’m frustrated I just want to hear “we hear you, now how do we work together to make this better”. As someone once said to me “I just want to know I’m not crazy”
The other easy tip is to always have a solution on board. It doesn’t even have to be a good one. Just have one. And as soon as that one is completed or dismissed; get another one.
Thanks Alf. Hats off to you for your candor!! Your comment lifts and expands my thinking.
“I just want to know I’m not crazy.”…. LOVE IT! We need affirmation that we are OK, even if we might be missing something or falling short.
Frustration says we care about something.
Love the coaching questions! Very useful to redirect, stop focusing on the actual frustration, and look at the big picture so we can find solutions and move forward.
Thanks Vicki. Frustration seems useful as it gets the ball rolling. But, if it persists over the same thing, something is wrong.
Good morning Dan;
If we allow, frustration can be one of life’s most dangerous distractions. Organizations and thier Leaders should reinforce the benefits of maintaining focus on effort, goals, and problem solving. Otherwise you and your people can remain mired in frustration while outside the box thinking comes to an abrupt halt. People generally focus more on goals. When we do not achieve those goals or benchmarks, frustration can take over making progress and problem solving difficult.
Leaders must realize we do not have much control over external circumstances, and at times may not get the support we exxpected. But the truth is that if we remain committed to focusing on process, mean’s, and efforthelp people, teams, and organizations achieve goals and enjoy a greater level of sucsess raather than become stagnant due to ‘frustration’.
Regardless of life’s challenges, frustration’s, and difficult situations, ATTITUDES, (positive or negative), effect end results; negativity see’s the problem, positivity find’s the solution, negativity breed’s indecision, positivity inspire’s resolution.
Cheers Dan
SGT Steve
FYI – We are getting dangerously close to signing
the Departments 1st ‘Faith-Based Leadership
Developement Training Program into practice.
I AM AMPED…
Thanks SGT. Great point. If we aren’t careful, frustration is a major distraction. Shifting to solutions makes the difference.
Your suggestion that frustration is misplaced when it’s focused on things beyond our control is well placed. One of the questions to ask when frustration erupts is, “Are the things that frustrate me within my control?”
Cheers
PS… Congrats on your work with leadership development. Did you mean Character-based? 🙂
Dan;
Yes, Character-Based. “Is there any other kind?” LOL
SGT Steve
Great post Dan!
Your question 7 “What are you prepared to do about this?” is so, so useful. I’ve had some great results using this. The question that is often very difficult, in my experience, is dear old #1! Often, frustration couches itself in terms of “what I DON’T want”, and it can rob people of the focus they need to see what they do. I’ve been lucky that I’ve been able to help people over this – I’m lucky that there are a lot of people around me. I can say to someone “who’s doing what you want to, or as near as you can see”. That can provide a starting point to focus on.
I think you have to be wary of the big picture. If the people you are coaching/leading are very low down, quite often, their success or failure, frustration or satisfaction, is irrelevant to the big picture.
Thanks Mitch. The two questions that really drain negative energy from frustration are … “What do you want?” AND “What are you prepared to do about this?”
“Who’s doing what you want to?” — KaPow. Often, it’s difficult to imagine options. Thinking of what someone else has tried is a great starting place.
I also like, “If you were giving someone else advice about this, what would you say?”
Quoting: “Capitalize on frustration by turning it toward problems and situations not personalities and people.” For me, the only way I can deal with “personalities and people” is to in fact deal with the related core “problems and situations” at least to the point where some progress has been found. At that point, you can hopefully bring the progress into the discussion to justify resources to optimize the efforts dealing with the initial frustration.
Thanks John. I find that trying to address people issues when frustration is high only makes matters worse. You end up with defensiveness, aggression, denial, or blame, to name a few.
You can’t solve people problems when emotion is high.
Interesting post today!
Frustration tends to look like anger which, ironically, can invoke more frustration and … more anger. : / Learning this early will benefit at all levels. Personal and professional. As a matter of fact, if society as a whole, could learn to identify that anger is typically one of two things – frustration or sadness – then, society is more likely to offer an effective response rather than more anger. More anger never makes the situation better. We see this every day in the news.
Thanks Dianna. You connection of anger with sadness is fascinating to me. Great food for thought. I think I’m sorry for myself when I’m angry. “I deserve better.” “People aren’t treating me right.”
Dan, your example of toddlers with respect to frustration reminded me of my college days—and one of the most “wonder-filled” things I’ve ever done: Teach 2nd grade students. Frankly, I was always frustrated because kids know so much yet it’s up to the “teacher” to learn how to understand their communication. A loving, knowledgeable and experienced teacher gave me this pearl of wisdom: “Kids who need the most love–will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.”
To “get good” at something, it’s helpful to be willing, even enthusiastic, about “being bad.” Baby steps are the royal road to skill.
If babies held the same tendency toward self-criticism as adults, they might never learn to walk. Can you imagine infants stomping, “I screwed up again!” Fortunately, babies are free of self-criticism. Subconsciously, they just keep doing…practicing.
When a little child is learning to walk, we encourage and praise them for every tiny effort or improvement they make. The child beams and eagerly tries to do better. Is this the way we as adults encourage ourselves when we are learning something new? Or do we make it harder to learn because we tell ourselves we are stupid or clumsy, or a failure? Baby steps. They’re the royal road to skill…and to big dreams!
The other thing that happens with adults is that when someone fails or takes a long time to progress, we turn round to them and say “I haven’t got time for your screwups, we need to hit the ground running on this”. If we took the view taken at work with babies, none of them would ever be allowed to learn to walk.
Thanks Books. Your comment gives me hope.
“Kids who need the most love–will ask for it in the most unloving of ways.” … Wow!! Very cool.
Frustration — an opportunity to let others know they matter and all we need is imperfect forward movement.
Very timely, thanks!
Great post that has made me think about the frustrations one usually has and how one deals with it. Thanks for sharing.