His Comment Has Irritated Me for Months
I often talk about the power of saying, “How can I help?” But, several months ago, a man came to me after a talk and said, “Have you ever thought about asking, ‘How may I help?’”
His comment irritates me to this day. I haven’t adopted his suggestion.
“May I,” is asking permission and I don’t like asking permission.
Aspiration:
The innocent word, “may,” reminds me of the subtleties of arrogance.
Humility is always aspiration.
You haven’t mastered humility and you never will. To think otherwise is arrogant.
I prefer giving help to receiving it. “How can I help,” may be bad grammar, but it protects, even feeds, arrogance. The one giving help is superior to the one receiving it, at least in my un-humble thinking.
The act of helping makes arrogant leaders feel superior.
Isn’t it odd that an act of humility may be an expression of arrogance?
Control and ability:
“How may I help,” gives control to the person being helped.
When I have something you don’t have – knowledge, power, authority, skill, or resources – I feel superior and in control. The little word, “may” changes all that.
“How can I help,” puts focus on a helpers competence.
Servant leadership:
Humility is the spirit of servant leadership.
Without humility, servant leadership is self-centered, disingenuous, disrespectful, and manipulative.
Helping:
A life of impact requires helping others.
You want to give help and rightly so. But, the dark side of giving help is superiority.
Continue helping, but realize humility only answers arrogance. It never eliminates it. Perhaps using “may” is one small step on the journey toward humility.
Humility is always being learned but never achieved.
What prevents leaders from embracing humility?
How are you embracing humility on your leadership journey?
Download MS Word version: His Comment Has Irritated Me For Months
Waaait for it. Thought provoking. Thanks
Thanks Bob!
It’s the intention behind the words that should be recognized.
Thanks Kelly. Motivation matters.
Intention is invisible until we give it voice. It becomes visible first in our language. Bravo, Dan for leaning in to your discomfort and for finding a new layer of truth within it.
Thanks Andrea. Powerful insight. And, you are encouraging as well. Cheers!
Irritation produces a pearl!
Thanks Gary. 🙂
I did retail sales training for a while and I am simply reminded of the typical rejoinder, “No thanks. I’m just looking…” — People say this even when you approach them with “How can I help you,” or some such opener. It is a conditioned response triggered by being in a brick and mortar store.
On the “may / can” dichotomy, might could it be somewhat attached to where you are from? I know lots of English words and all that and I am not sure that I would really react to the distinction.
What bugs me more is the old, “You’ll have to…” phrase used when people are telling you what you need to do to get service or get something fixed. Customers generally do not HAVE to choose to do anything.
My mom still gets the local newspaper. She is 95 and has subscribed for 70 years. She sent a check in and they did not get it. The woman says to me, “You’ll have to check with her bank to see if it was cashed and fax us the information. (Fax? My Mom?) It’s only $30; you would think they would simply write it off for customer goodwill.
THAT phrase gets to me a lot more than can / may.
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Thanks Dr. Scott. The can/may dichotomy is definitely about me. It’s such a small thing that I’m embarrassed to even write about it. But, for me, his suggestion that “may” might be better, points to my own struggles with arrogance.
Hat’s off to your mom!! Maybe a good son needs to give her a gift subscription. 😉
Oh darn! I guess my “How may I serve you?” falls onto the wrong side of the equation as well. Once again, a great thought provoker. Thanks (mostly 🙂
Thanks Tony. Dang!! I’m not ready for “How may I SERVE you?” OUCH 🙂 I’m barely able to eek out the word “may,” now you want to add “serve.” Sheesh!!
I guess it really is a journey.
Wow, just two words….”can” “may” ! Amazingly I would prefer someone to ask me using “may” rather than “can” …… Then I can hopefully be humble enough to accept the help… Being on the side of either rejecting/accepting help when one is very independent is always a challenge. Thought provoking!! Thanks !
Thanks Nicole. Being humble enough to receive help is another topic. We must admit that those who won’t receive help aren’t going very far. But, knowing this doesn’t seem to make it any easier.
I’m always ready to jump in and ‘help’ whenever and wherever I think I can. However, it might be interesting to incorporate this approach with my kids and of course my husband. I can see how this can empower them and give them the space they might prefer at times vs. my ‘help’.
Thanks Lynda. Applying leadership ideas to family life is the ultimate test of their validity and our application.
I also like, “What can I do?” In the end, I think the nuance is going to be missed on most people. Offering help, what ever the language used, is a huge step in the right direction.
Thanks wolski… The term nuance is appropriate. I suppose the only reason it matters is that it matters to me. It’s really about pushing myself.
How “may” I help makes the other person think of possibilities…How “can” I help makes them think of limitations….you can’t do this, I can’t do that….gonna have to chew on this…
Thanks Betty. I hadn’t thought of limitations. It makes sense. In a way, its such a small thing. But,for me, I have to ask myself why the word “may” is so difficult to say.
…if we don’t think “superiority” but “competence” does it make a difference?
I help folks through grief, I’m not better than them (superior) I just have some understanding (competence) in something that they are dealing with, which may be new to them….(but regardless of how we word things folks must give permission to receive what we offer)
I may not be tracking with your thoughts today ;(
Thanks Ken. I can understand where you’re coming from. To be sure, I’m splitting hairs and revealing an inner challenge that I face.
Nothing wrong with having competence that others might be able to leverage. That’s a great thing. Glad you joined in.
Dear Dan,
An interesting post with good message.
Liked the change of word from ‘can’ to ‘may’ while offering help! Your views are really appreciative and we should be humble while checking for help with a service-oriented mind. ‘Can’ certainly denotes a superiority feeling and we should avoid conveying our message bit differently.
Thanks Dr. Asher. It does seem to be about feeling, at least for me and hopefully for the other person, as well.
True! Liked your freaking idea.
Humus, in Latin, means “soil” or “earth”; “humi” refers to the state of being “on the ground”. Today’s concept of humility equates it with weakness, but actually it implies “lowness”. What’s wrong with being “low”? : ) Why do leaders feel uncomfortable putting themselves on the same level as the people they are meant to serve? It seems to me that arrogant leaders feel threatened by others, use their position to fill themselves with a sense of power and only crave the glory and the perks that come with position. But even good leaders could find it hard because of the perception of weakness.
Let’s strive for humility! In the words of one of the most humble and admirable leaders of our time, Mother Teresa:
“These are the few ways we can practice humility:
To speak as little as possible of one’s self.
To mind one’s own business.
Not to want to manage other people’s affairs.
To avoid curiosity.
To accept contradictions and correction cheerfully.
To pass over the mistakes of others.
To accept insults and injuries.
To accept being slighted, forgotten and disliked.
To be kind and gentle even under provocation.
Never to stand on one’s dignity.
To choose always the hardest.”
Thanks for another great post!
I enjoy reading these posts every chance that I “can”. I hate to miss any chance and LOVE…LOVE…LOVE this resource. Oh my goodness…OMG! The real thought for me was……..”why did this irritate?” Is the instinct to “reject criticism….or hold on to the familiar”? To me, the underlying message was not about semantics. – – not about serving. It made me wonder…why the need to hold on to the critic’s grammar correction? What underlying belief is the source of this kind of thinking?
What can I do that might be helpful to you?
“CAN I help you?” doesn’t seem arrogant. It seems, not humble, but equal. Am I able to help? I’m not better or worse, superior or inferior, I’m asking if I’m capable of providing what you need. If I am I help, if not, someone else might.
Thanks Mitch. It’s really about me, more than the wording. I appreciate your perspective on this.
I remember learning the can/may rule in 3rd grade. My teacher made it very clear that “can” is directive and “may” is inquisitive and is the proper way to show manners. Not sure I’ve always followed this teaching so thanks for the reminder! Humility and manners do still count and work!
I agree. Pedantic i may be but “can” is about stating, inquirying about one’s ability within the verbalisation whereas “may”…to me instantly indicates a humility either in seeking an answer or offering help. It is all about settings in different times and places. Good old lingo…less correct has its place.. but so does retaining or having the ability to lift our level of grammatical usage. It has nothing to do with “classes” of people but more to do with using language as a multifacted tool.
If someone is offering me help, I am not going care if they structured their offer properly.
I would be more apt to be offended, however, if I offered my help and someone responded with “Thank you! Yes, you MAY help.” verses the response of “Thank you! Yes, you CAN help.” I might not want to help so much if I thought they were giving me permission to help!
Interesting post. Words have power.
Good points to think about. I like “how can I help?” I don’t feel uncomfortable with it nor have I experienced push back or resistance to it. I also like “What can I do to help?”
“Humility is the spirit of servant leadership.” Yes! Absolutely! Unfortunately when it comes to servant leadership too many people confuse humility with self-deprecation. Then it becomes ‘How must I serve you’ and that doesn’t serve anyone.
Thanks, Dr. Rockwell!
I see either “may” or “can” as being situational, but agree with your thinking. Of course, the key to using either word comes in the willingness of the person asking to follow through with the recipient’s needs or wants.
what a strong post…
How about this??? “I believe I have some experience that can help you. May I ask about the specifics of your situation?” I do understand more clearly now how appropriate ‘can’ is in this case.
I work in the Hospitality Industry and as a professional of service we assit our guests to do their stay more enjoyable creating memorable experiences and we use “How may I assist you? … just a humble comment.
A servant leader asks , may I. What if the help he wants, you cannot raelly do it?
Your blog posts and inspiring words make an inpact. Thank you for that. Made me think about where I am focusing my attention. On me or the other person.
Pay attention to your attention, then realign your attention to your Intention.
Realigning now…
Kind Regards
K.Skarsvaag
Leadership Department
Royal Norwegian Airforce Academy
Best post yet!
I think I get it. So, when asking “may”, you are placing yourself beneath the person you are trying to help. It’s even worse when the person corrects you to say may instead of can. I have to say, this has bothered me for quit some time myself when I was corrected by my third grade teacher.
The reason for helping is to not do for others, but to share a new way of accomplishing things. I don’t like helping when it is expected or when the person is fully capable to do it themselves.
D
Two things come to mind immediately. 1. To me, this points to a previous post by Dan regarding self-awareness. I see this very much in the same vein and the importance of meaning. Being self-aware of personal concerns like these allow for realization. Whether you state “can” or “may”, it will always feel more genuine when you have explored the concern that may exist behind it.
2. As someone who works in higher education and an employer of students, there is a constant “self-check” in how we develop our students. It is easy to feel superior when working with a group of individuals who often have little to no experience and when they ask for help, we walk a fine line of teaching/developing and padding our own egos.
Thanks for the post Dan. Always insightful and inspiring.
At first glance, the rebuke seems pretentious. But, I like how you’re willing to explore it and go deeper into what makes us respond defensively. I hate rebukes and conflict too!
I always felt that asking, “how can I help?” was an invitation to the other person to give me some specifics, vice the use of may or might,which opens the door to vagaries in responses.
Enjoyed the blog article. For further insights on how one may offer to help and why our intentions to help may be accepted or rejected, I suggest Edgar Schein’s book “Helping: How to Offer, Give, and Receive Help.” As this blog post did for some other respondents, Schein’s book gave me perspectives I hadn’t considered before and influenced me to change some of my behaviors when I’m in a position where I may be able to help others and also in how I try to instruct others in my training and development role.