The Power of Awkward
People view the world through the eyes of their strength.
Ms. Organization believes systems and structure are the answer. Mrs. Truth believes you should confront issues and kick some butt. Mr. Tenderheart, on the other hand, finds reasons to give people second and third chances.
The strong don’t get it:
People who are good at something wonder what’s the problem. Why are you struggling with confrontation, for example. Just do it! But, in frustration, you ask, “How?”
A manager who is good at having tough conversations didn’t realize some of the things she was doing. Her colleagues explained how she calmed herself, centered on the goal, put on her “firm voice,” and started nodding her head while she talked.
Everyone around the table laughed about her scary “firm voice.”
How can you help someone explain their strength when they do it naturally?
Try on someone else’s strength:
Your colleague is great at tough conversations. You ask for advice. They look quizzical and say, “Just do it.”
When they can’t explain what to do, tell them what you plan to do.
Tell them what you’re going to try and watch them cringe. They’ll see the flaws in your approach without even trying.
When you see them cringe, ask, “What would you do?”
Listen for simple easy insights. What’s difficult for you is easy for them.
Power of awkward:
Their strength feels awkward in your skin. Find ways to try it anyway. Practice. Roleplay. Test it in small ways where failure doesn’t matter much.
You’ve used your strengths to the point of failure. Awkward feeling behaviors take you to the next level.
How might leaders draw insight and wisdom from others?
How might leaders try on someone else’s strength?
This is a tough one. Stepping out of our comfort zone to try something new is always scary. But just as a pearl is made through irritation, a diamond through immense pressure, and pure gold through extreme heat, our ability to lead others comes through trials and tests of all kinds. Growth and development only comes through stretching and moving out from our area of comfort. I will consider what others are doing and ask myself what I should try to stretch myself. Thanks!
Thanks Jay. One way to sooth the discomfort of stretching, as you indicate, is to go to someone who excels where you want to stretch. Seek their insights. Talk about your plans. Listen to their counsel. Get their feedback after you’re done.
Just the right article to show my co-worker. She had been struggling with tough conversations but just did not want to confront her awkward feelings. Thanks Dan!
Thanks Albert. It’s a journey that takes some time. One person at the table that I mention in this posted decided to create a bulleted list of the key points she wanted to cover. One of her stress points was missing an important topic or issue. It seems like what is easier for some is more difficult for others.
This really is so insightful. I would say that perhaps our strengths can be our weakness in leadership. They can take us to extremes. We must be reflective about our leadership, aware of our strengths and weaknesses. It is important to be open to new ways of leading. A responsive leader who has the ability to use different styles depending on situation.
Thanks Dr. Deborah. It seems so obvious, but, if we are stuck, the thing that used to work doesn’t work anymore. Time to adapt.
Good morning Dan;
‘My-oh-my’ can I relate Dan. I was raised in a confident, self-reliant family and believe I have been
‘very lucky’ throughout my working life to gravitate to like minded self-confident leadeds. As such,
i’ve developed a ‘Fearless’ (Never say die) approach to my Professional and Personal life. When
I am faceing problems, deadlines, and unforseen obstacles, my focus becomes RAZOR SHARP.
As you are aware, I am also a Public Speaker. Clearly, I am a self-confident man who is comfortable
with ‘who I am’. I DO NOT easily become intimidated by change, or unexspected challenges that
render most leaders apprehensive and uneffective.
At times, the attributes that make me a Fearless Leader can easily be percieved by others as a
‘Cocky/Know-it-all, arrogant attitude. Leaders who routinely self evaluate how they are recieved
and adjust accordingly, achieve maximum effort & a healthier bottom line from employees that
are inspired to do and be thier best through the example you set forth.
Leadership isn’t always easy. The skillful, talented leader, realizes, not everyone share’s their
confidence or, ‘Gusto for life’. TONE IT DOWN A BIT.
We’re all different, the leader that consistantly looks for different ways to inspire different
personalities understands the secret to connecting with others. Inspiring a team full of
different personalities require learning how to inspire those don’t share our enthusiasm.
*( SELF-EVALUATION )*
Cheerrs Dan;
SGT Steve
Thanks SGT. You bring up an interesting challenge. Don’t lose who you are, but take others into account at the same time.
I like to think of it as don’t be less of who you are, but be more of something else. In other words, don’t lose confidence but add something to your confidence that makes it less threatening, for example.
Dito Dano…
SGT Steve
Intriguing presentation today, as always! I like “Just do it” you will learn by your mistakes. The role playing is a good way to go as well practice with colleagues can be of help too!
Thanks Tim. I’m more of a “just do it” person. But, I’ve learned that including others along with my “just do it” approach makes me better.
“When they can’t explain what to do, tell them what you plan to do”. This is an amazingly simple and yet powerful way get help – or be able to offer help. I immediately thought of how I would answer if someone asked me how to breathe – my response would probably be, as you said, “just do it’. But if they told me they were planning to breathe through a straw underwater, I might offer some advice 🙂 Thank you for this valuable tool.
Thanks J. You illustration is very helpful!! Much appreciated.
Another great one, Dan!
My husband and I do this for each other; we are are very different in how we approach problems. Maybe it’s a Mars vs. Venus thing, but it’s a good exercise that has helped us both expand our respective repertoires of leadership skills.
Thanks Dr. Pinzon. My wife and I are, like you, very different. It took me too long to respect, celebrate, and learn from that difference. I think that being less defensive has helped. Glad you stopped in.
Excellent coverage, Dan, of a very important topic. We need all three types of persons/strengths in every place of employment, family, church congregation, etc. One key: tapping into each in a way, to a degree, and at the time that makes life better. For the persons involved, the entity, and the community. And, respects all of those persons/strengths, too.
Thanks Painting. You widen the lens on this conversation. Much appreciated.
Great post – generates thinking about it.
There could be another problem: The one being observed or asked might not be able to explain it – because they really don’t understand it (Albert Einstein quote: “If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.”). Or they might do it correctly but have the wrong understanding of how and why it works!
I’d suggest this (boy, are you going to be surprised…): Consider the action you’d like to master carefully yourself first. And then have a conversation with the one doing the action. You will have a better idea what’s confusing you. You’ll be able to encourage helpful replies. Indeed you might even get on a train of thought that could end up helping the other person do / understand better!!
I know, I know…
Thanks John. I hope you know how much pleasure I feel from seeing that you are mulling these things over. I do the same thing. Nothing is ever final. 🙂 Cheers!
I am a huge fan of the oft-maligned role play or skill practice. Before a difficult conversation, it helps to map out what may happen and how best respond (knowing of course that nothing ever goes exactly as planned!). I tell my employees that as their coach, I want to be their “church parking lot:” when we are first learning to drive, we don’t start on the highway, we practice in a safe and controlled environment, like the local church parking lot! I, too, am a great fan of getting “comfortable being uncomfortable” and planned skill practice and role play can lower the threat level and make feeling awkward okay! Great post, Dan (:
Its such a great thought, being ‘awkward’. Another way to help adandon comfort might be to change the external circumstances. The shift in context can open up the possibility of ‘seeing’ different qualities in others. I am no braver than the next person – but have seen how unplanned adverse circumstances have jump-started all sorts of good things. Happened to me a couple of months ago..https://changechemistry.wordpress.com/page/2/…Am wondering now about how to incorporate ‘planned chaos’ into the work place! Thank you for your post. Really enjoyed it.