Trust is Given Not Earned
I’m trying to navigate an offensive idea. Bob Chapman* told me, “Trust is given, not earned.” Thirty days later, it’s still dripping in the back of my mind.
To trust or not:
I gave my friends an unscientific poll. The result was a three-way split. About 30% of my friends give trust to people who haven’t earned it. About 30% are skeptical and untrusting. I’m in that group.
The other 30% are in the “it depends” group. I think they’re untrusting but don’t want to admit it. But that’s my skeptical voice.
Distrust breeds:
- Suspicion and paranoia.
- Micromanagement and second guessing.
- Rules, sign-offs, and bureaucracy.
- Apprehension. Fear of taking action without permission.
- Skepticism. Distrust assumes negative intentions.
Distrust feels like protection but it’s destruction.
Bitterness and self-protection drive distrust. Someone violated your trust, and you can’t let it go.
The opposite of trust:
The opposite of trust is self-protection.
Distrust is fear’s response to vulnerability. Self-protection builds walls that limit influence, impact, relationship, and fulfillment.
There is no leadership apart from trust.
Leadership and trust:
Trust expands influence.
Successful leadership depends on trust. You’re constantly putting your confidence in others. The best you can do, if you don’t trust, is be an individual contributor.
Trust enhances leadership.
Steven M.R. Covey said, “When trust is low, speed decreases and cost increases.” Leadership without trust is micro-management.
Bottom line:
Trust is always given.
It doesn’t matter the context. In the end, trust is about the person extending it. If someone violates your trust, you expect them to earn it back. But, the choice to trust them again is really about you.
Even when you expect someone to earn your trust, you still end up giving it.
Wide is better than narrow when it comes to trust. But how?
- Extend trust first.
- Assume the best.
- Be vulnerable.
- Forgive.
How do leaders learn to trust?
*Bob is Chairman and CEO of Barry-Wehmiller, a combination of nearly 70 acquired companies valued at approximately $2 billion with 9,000 employees.
Bob’s book: Everybody Matters. (MUST READING!)
Book website: www.everybodymattersbook.com
Twitter: @barrywehmiller
Good topic. Always opens up the question: once you’ve lost my trust, what do you have to do to earn it again? Is it even really possible?
Thanks Douglas. The question of earning trust after it’s been violated is interesting. I think the answer to your question is that it’s up to you. Are you willing to extend trust again?
Of all the leadership topics I’ve thought about, this one is one of the most challenging.
How does one so perfectly execute human interactions and not make a mistake which might need to be forgiven. Transgressions are a human condition. Depending on the severity of the transgression I guess it is purely an individual call. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.
Dan, is it possible that distrust leads to indifference/ marginalization?
Trust expands influence… therefore another definition of trust is “it’s what happens when you’re not there.”
Thanks mwayland. I see what you are getting at. When I don’t trust someone I become indifferent to them. Plus, when people don’t feel trusted, I can see where that makes them indifferent.
The “not there” aspect is powerful. The idea of expanding our leadership through trust makes it so important to me.
Trust is number 1 for me. When it’s gone it’s gone. I stayed with an organisation too long because I thought the trust could be regained- it couldn’t and i regret that. The 2 ‘leaders’ would ridicule all staff in front of me and I was naive to think it wasn’t happening to me. The door (to their shared office) was often shut, and all the staff knew something was going down when the door was shut… I felt it eroded trust and built up fear across the workforce. In my view they became too close, they were friends first and ‘bosses’ 2nd. They were often ‘unseen’ and would spend copious hours in their office- door shut, and I think if you don’t make yourself visable it has the potential to erode trust…
Just my view 🙂
Thanks Troy. I respect your story.
Closed doors undermine trust. Openness builds trust. The feeling that someone is unnecessarily hiding something from you undermines trust.
I’ve hung on too long. I think it’s the “not quitter” in us. Maybe we feel like a failure if we quit or it’s too much hope.
Excellent post.
My question is, what if you’re the one who has violated the trust? There is an internal redemption that you go through, which if it is based in sincerity, is not an easy one. However, there is also a reconciliation between you and the rest of the organization that would occur in the best of circumstances. Perhaps you could direct me to some blog posts or write about this in the future.
Thanks Jennifer. What a great question. You make me think about humility, acknowledgement, restitution, …. (what else)
Clear communication comes to mind, as well.
I’m glad you brought this up.
A full disclosure, and “I’m sorry, I now know I was wrong” goes a long, long way. And then you have to not make that same mistake again, EVER.
Your friend Mr. Chapman must be channeling the concept of “granting trust” from the writing of Fernando Flores and Robert Solomon. It was in their 2003 book “Building Trust: In Business, Politics, Relationships, and Life” where I first saw the use of the phrase and have pondered it ever since.
Thanks dolive. It’s great that you extended the conversation. I have’t had a chance to follow up with Bob. I appreciate you bringing some added resources.
For anyone interested. Check out, “Building Trust: In Business, Politics, Relationships, and Life”
I am one of those who trust everyone until it is broken. Yes my glass is typically half full, sometime of wine, and I believe the best of everyone. Has this backfired – absolutely – the stories I could share, and yet the number of people who have never betrayed my trust is far greater. Trust is fundamental to leadership, to building relationships based on connection and understanding and yes I think it can be built a second time although, for me, a third crack at it might not happen. Rebuilding trust requires the person regaining it (the one for whom it was lost) to take an enormous risk, to be vulnerable which I think takes courage and I can recall many situations where I did begin to trust another again. It took time, patience and a genuine desire on my part to trust again. As my trust of the other increased, I could see them being genuine, caring and sincere. As I saw them showing up this way I regained my trust in them and over time it grew. We can all make mistakes, slip and do things that cause others to distrust us. We can also learn from these experiences, reflect and learn so we change and become deserving of the trust of another. So I would say trust is given first time round and earned the second time.
Thanks Kathy. What a great comment. It’s encouraging to see your candor. We are all going to get “hurt” it’s unavoidable. The strategy of self-protection might seem right. Your story helps me believe there’s another way.
The benefits you mention are echoed in Bob’s work. thanks again for joining in.
I tend to give trust to those under me and mistrust those over me. And I find that I get back what I give out. I am well trusted by those I lead and mistrusted by those leading me.
Trust really depends on the work environment and the tone set by leadership. Even if an employee gives trust in the beginning, actions speak louder than words. Treated poorly, broken confidences and promises, and continued poor working conditions will decrease trust, not matter how much money is earned.
Now you have gone and done it Dan…. You have made me ponder. As I recall the last time this came-up, I immediately rejected your position and exclaimed that trust is always earned. This time, I read your “bottom line” over and over again. At first, I determined that it all depended on the perspective as to whether or not the trust was being given or if it was being earned. Then, I pondered some more. What I came-up with was that trust is only measured by the value that we ourselves place on it.
In other words, you are completely correct that it is solely based on the person extending the trust and that trust will only be measured by the perspective of that person. Yes, it feels good when someone trusts us but we have no way of “measuring” how much the other person has entrusted us… It does not matter. Only the person trusting us can gauge how well or to what extent the trust has been maintained or violated while we will not. It is up to us to provide the degree of trust that we are willing to sacrifice.
At the point where we are all leaders of our own selves, learning to trust is about self-monitoring and working on the thoughts that lead me to feel distrust, suspicion and shutting down or putting up barriers. Is it possible it is the same process as working with the internal messages that say anything that impacts my self negatively? I find that I have to take a deep breath and ask myself a few questions, including what do I gain by viewing this situation this way, am I positive that I am understanding the situation accurately, could there possibly be a different view, how would I feel it another view were true???? I might then come up with a different way of viewing the other person and work with them again.
Trust is at least as much an attitude as it is a decision. A distrustful fearful attitude is not going to trust easily even when it is earned. The “Bottom Line” section really nails it.
I think of it this way – “Trust is given AND earned.”
Glad to see the quote from Speed of Trust. They have some good things in that book around the concept of “smart trust.” This is the middle ground between cynicism (“can’t trust anybody”) and naivety (“everybody is deserving of trust”).
I typically trust people until they prove to me that they cannot be trusted. I have to see a repeating pattern before I will lose trust in someone. Everyone fails at times. However, when someone has lost my trust, they almost never get it back. This is usually because they continue in the patterns that caused me to lose trust in the first place. On the rare occasion that someone does change, they will earn my trust again (perhaps in even greater measure).
I am fiercely loyal to people who have a repeated pattern of being trustworthy. That is I trust them and they reward my trust by their faithfulness.
I think my attitudes toward others makes it hurt deeply when people don’t trust me. Especially, when I have done nothing to violate their trust.
Too often leaders don’t trust people to do a job “properly” and as you say “micro manage” yet have not adequately trained those people in the first place. A good leader provides an environment where people can be trusted to do what is expected. that means providing training in what is expected and how to do it. It’s unfair to mistrust someone you’ve put in a position where they are set up to fail.
I’m an employee of mr. Chapman. I agree with the discussion of trust. But you mention that distrust breeds micro management. .the need for approvals, etc. However there are certain areas where this has nothing to do with trust. ..it has to do with audit requirements. …which is definitely part of any large business. To say these are elements of distrust provides a conundrum to those leaders in that position. ….how do you prove trust and still meet the basic needs of the organization? I have full trust in my employees but I still must approve and review everything. And prove that I have. So I think that’s a bit of a generalization.
To begin with, I give everyone 110% trust. When trust is violated, demerit points and must be earned back.
To me trust is a thing of give an take. It is growing from offering and reverse offering it. And of course one can trust his colleagues/employees and still be in charge – as long, as the red line for a need in apporval is clear to both sides.
Dan, would you say your “Breeds of distrust” are indicators for existing distrust or could the lead else where?
DD
I enjoy most of your posts Dan, and often learn something or have reason to think again. But in this case I could not disagree more. I agree that the starting point is to extend trust. I also agree that in the worst case distrust breeds all the horrid practices you reference.
But at some point a cat shows its colors and it strikes me as foolish to continue extending trust to untrustworthy, dishonorable people. Perhaps it is my own limited experience but, sadly, such people do exist. I think I’d be failing my staff if I blindly continued to extend trust to the others about us who repeatedly demonstrate why they are not worthy of it.
That doesn’t mean we adopt behaviors that limit our effectiveness. It means we accept with eyes wide open that there are limits to what we can expect from people. If they surprise us it’s all upside. And I’d welcome that.
As some of the other comments shared, trust works differently upward and downward. But I wonder how much of trust is really about motives and how much is about capacity.
Most of the comments here hinted at motives… But lots of distrust is merely that I question whether the person I need to rely on has the capacity to execute.
Micromanaging bosses is difficult at best and perilous most of the time.
Very interesting article. I also give trust but if a person breaks that trust they must earn that trust back. If it is broken again a second or third time, depending on the circumstances of the situation, they may or may not earn my trust back again.
So for the people who say “it depends” I think it would be an interesting exercise for them to look at who the people are they trust vs. distrust right away to determine if there are patterns and then dig in to find out why those patterns exist. Did someone who reminds you of someone who is a great friend get the trust versus someone who reminds you of someone who burned you? What is their criteria for determining who they trust and don’t trust right away?
I disagree that trust is always given. It’s not, and it shouldn’t be. Unearned trust may be advanced in good faith, of course. But at some point, as the relationship progresses, there will be an opportunity for the recipient to either maintain or betray that trust. If the person who is trusted betrays that trust, it is just and prudent to withdraw it. Trust is thus validated or betrayed by the actions of the trusted. To put the responsibility on the person extending the trust is to give carte blanche to the trusted to behave in any way they wish, and that indeed is an offensive idea. Genuine trust is a fragile privilege that must ultimately be earned and maintained, although it may be initially given in an act of good faith.