How to Stop Bristling at Feedback
Leaders rarely say, “I’d like your feedback.” It’s even more rare for feedback to be received well.
The most important thing about seeking feedback is the way it’s received.
5 reasons leaders bristle when receiving feedback:
- Blindspots. Feedback often comes from someone who sees something you don’t.
- Self-rejection. You can’t stand the idea that others might see you as human.
- Confidence. Your approach is the “right” approach. No one wakes up thinking, “I want to make wrong decisions today.”
- Perceived knowledge. Young leaders know too much and so do gray hairs. We need more dumb leaders.
- Hurt feelings. Feedback offends good intentions.
It’s challenging to give tough feedback. It takes humility and practice to receive it well.
7 ways to destroy the benefit of feedback:
- Explanation. The next time you bring up a tough issue, listen for, “That’s because….” Reasons to tolerate unacceptable behaviors follow, “That’s because.”
- Diversion. Receiving negative feedback often results in pointing out the faults of others.
- Minimizing. “It’s not that bad.”
- Intimidation. Anger intends to punish people who bring up uncomfortable topics.
- Self-pity. “No one understands the pressure I feel.”
- Authenticity. Indulgent authenticity rejects feedback about shortcomings by saying, “I’m just not good at ….”
- Discounting the source. “They’re being vindictive.”
10 ways to receive feedback like a pro:
Feedback is essential to tapping personal and organizational potential. When receiving feedback:
- Relax. Relax. Relax.
- Keep the end in mind.
- Stay comfortably close and connected.
- Imagine your guard going down when you feel it rising up.
- Lean in and ask a question when you feel like pulling back and making statements.
- Focus on behaviors.
- Ask for examples.
- Explore a path forward.
- Set a follow-up meeting.
- Say, “Thank you.”
What causes leaders to bristle at feedback?
What tips for receiving feedback might you add?
What causes leaders to bristle at feedback? “That is the way we have always done it” , “We have been in business over 90 years, WHY do you think you know more that us?”
Thanks Gary. Been there. Heard that!
Hi Dan
Interesting topic, one most leaders will have struggled with I’m sure. I’m going to challenge your final list – bullet 7 – is that O.K. 🙂
I personally find this a poor response to your trying to be constructive by providing feedback. Partly because it’s a form of denial (Prove it!) and partly because it turns the ‘attack’ in a sort of passive aggressive way, and partly because often the ‘feedback’ comes after an accumulation of things – not just one moment or instance. If the person giving feedback is not ‘strong’ it is also a surefire way to close down any further feedback.
I’d replace it with – ‘Thank you – next time you see me doing that please point it out – I need to improve on that’. Also deep down we all know when there is an element of truth – and truthfully we don’t need the evidence spelt out.
As a coach once pointed out to me – everyones perception is real (to them) – an authentic person validates that for them (the feedback giver) and then decides what they wish to change in themselves.
Happy Tuesday
Richard
Brilliant! Thank you, Richard. I love the tone of “next time,” and the openness in your approach.
I’m going to agree with Croadie, but for a slightly different reason. Where I work, it is a common strategy to ask for an example when someone points out a problem, then they will correct the example and think the problem is solved. It’s like treating the symptom instead of the disease.
Thanks Clif. Yes, I see where it’s easy to allow an example to become the exclusive focus.
I think there’s still a place for examples. They’re important. However, you point is well taken.
Thanks for a powerful insight.
Lack of control over one’s ego makes feedback so much harder. If you struggle with empathy then it will be much harder to see another’s opinion with value (since you’re putting yourself in the other person’s shoes).
Thanks Michael. I know the ego thing is true for me. I found it very easy to write ideas about why leaders bristle at feedback. 🙂
I couldn’t agree more about ego making feedback so much harder. You must let go of any feelings of the ego taking over to really hear the feedback and keep the end in mind. Well written blog.
It’s amazing to me that anyone would not seek feedback, understand it, and act upon it!!! Very few truths / facts in this world; but ‘perfection is impossible’ is one of them. Why in the world would anyone not want to improve??? OR not want to be complimented for that matter…
Thanks John. When I think about it in the way you put it, I feel like an idiot for being reluctant to ask for it. 🙂
Lack of self-confidence or having too big an ego!
Thanks Albert. When you put lack of self-confidence together with a big ego you have a deadly combination.
I really enjoyed reading the comments – and your replies today (a few days late). You are demonstrating one way to receive ‘constructive’ feedback well. At times feedback is positive; I find that at least as challenging to receive well as criticism, because I don’t know where to take the praise, except if I can pass it on.