Dad Let Me Suffer
Values are nurtured by those we respect. Sometimes the journey is painful.
The birth of a value:
When I was a kid, living on our dairy farm in Central Maine, I received an allowance. I don’t remember how much. I just remember the joy of receiving it. I saved the money to buy my first bike.
I went to the hardware store with money in hand and picked out the coolest bike I’d ever seen. It had high-rise handlebars, a banana seat, metallic paint, and an amazing stick shift. Today, I suppose the stick shift would be considered a hazard. But it was darn cool back then.
Dad and I went to the counter to pay, but I didn’t have enough money. I looked up at dad. He was no help.
The store owner put a tag on the bike that read, “Danny Rockwell.” I made a deposit, put the coolest bike on layaway, and left empty handed.
I’ll never forget the sadness of leaving my bike behind. But, I learned a lesson that stays with me to this day. You don’t always get what you want, when you want it. You pay first.
I’ve violated that value a few times in my life. It hung over me like a rain cloud. We feel pain when we violate our values and satisfaction when we align with them.
“Whenever there is a gap between what you value and what you are doing, you are in pain.” Hyrum W. Smith author of, “The Three Gaps.”
Values:
- Define success.
- Ignite motivation.
- Create satisfaction.
We evaluate our lives by our values.
The closer your life aligns with your values, the more meaning and energy you feel.
What values guide your decisions and behaviors?
What values guide the decisions and behaviors of your team mates?
This post is inspired by my conversation with Hyrum W. Smith. I recommend his latest book, “The 3 Gaps.”
Dan, where I find a dissonance with this is when you have to get what you need in order to make the money! The loan for the tools, train season ticket or what have you. The other place is those jobs where you want it, work for it, pay for it and still never get it!
Thanks Mitch. I’m glad you joined in. You illustrate an important idea. Values are personal.
Some might say that your illustration about tools is an investment that is a little different from a pleasure item.
Your last idea is always a possibility.
Thanks again for adding your insights.
I too grew up in Maine and live there now. Couldn’t agree with you more Dan AND I rally enjoy your sit. I save every post that you make. Serves me well in our consulting business.
Thanks Brian. Great to have a fellow Maine-iac on the journey. Best wishes.
I like your dad Dan!
Thanks Keith. Me too.
Thought stimulating.. certainly when we see little value or purpose in our work we lose motivation.. likewise when the only value is monetary value it can become empty or a “rat-race”. Defining our personal values, then discerning our organizations values and aligning the two can be a challenge.. usually non-profits have thought through their values more clearly than for profits (in my experience).
Thanks Ken. You’re nailing an important function of leadership. How well do we understand our team members values and how well are we helping them find alignment with organizational values? Perhaps for profit organizations could take a lesson from not for profits? 🙂
As a wellness program strategist, this post really resonated with me. The leaders that I’ve seen value their own health, well-being and resilience usually are the ones best at defining the goals of the programs designed to create engaged, inspired teams.
Thanks Mim. You bring up a value that many share, health. I hadn’t thought of how a high value on health might translate into the way we treat others. But, it makes perfect sense. I’m glad you shared your insights.
Define, Ignite, Create — Love it! Thanks Dan!
Thanks Mark!
Great post Mr. Rockwell! My Dad did similar things to me… on multiple occasions. I just thought he was cheap. We do the same thing with our 11-yr old daughter. She had to save up for the iPad while all her affluent friends were getting one just by asking. She worked chores, saved her allowance for an entire year and finally had enough money to purchase it. My daughter was extremely happy about getting it and I suspect, proud. Speaking of my Dad, he made me buy my first car when I was 16… from him. It was his beat-up, pea-green, four-door, Pontiac Catalina, for $600! I had just a couple hundred dollars and he wouldn’t let me owe him. He took me to our local credit union and got me a personal loan for $400 for one year. I sold it a year later for $800 and bought a Honda Nighthawk motorcycle. I hated that car.
Thanks Dan. “Mr. Rockwell.” Hmmmm… Dan will do. 🙂 It is great hearing from you.
I feel so sorry for your 11 year old daughter. How could you be so cruel? 🙂
Pea-green??? I love it!! It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
I see that your motor cycle riding began LONG ago.
Who would have thought, back then, that you would be where you are in the Credit Union movement, today.
Best wishes and be safe out there.
Hi Dan.
This values can drive you both ways, I mean, they can limit yourself too. For instance, if your dad tought you that you should study to get a stable job, you entrepeneur heart will be limited. I believe it is important to self meditate about what values drives you, and sometimes, you will find that one of those values are limiting you.
Great post!!!
Thanks Luis. Great point. Part of the growing process is owning our own identity and values rather than being defined by others. Glad you stopped in.
Thanks Dan – this is so true and comes up a lot when working with coaching clients – “Integrity Gap” – values and actions in misalignment … I see folks experiencing physical ailments and wondering why … chronic worry, poor performance at work and damaged relationship — all due to an integrity gap that may be going unacknowledged … such an important topic to raise – thanks
Dan, I love this post. I have often talked with leaders about finding their purpose by looking at where their skills and talents intersect. I can no add another consideration to that illustration about values. I think leaders have to be prepared to answer tough questions about their organization when their values are perhaps in alignment with the company’s espoused values, the ones listed on placards, paper, and their websites, but are incongruent with the values that are actually driving the organization.
Nice Post Dan.
To answer the questions…1. answer the question :). 2. Honesty, integrity, compassion, adventure, challenge, environment, connection.
My first lay-by was 10 months for a kayak, in New Zealand we called your first bike a chopper – so cool but as you say could get a little awkward if you slipped forward from the seat!!
Richard
In my experience, we are seeing a generation of employees that become defeated or resentful when the end result doesn’t come easily. The values they seek seem to be accolades and advancement without the work ethic and integrity required. This disconnect leads to the pain you describe, where they lack fulfillment and joy in the journey. However, when driven by mission, vision, & service, true contentment can be found, regardless of circumstances. Kudos to your dad for instilling that value in you!
Would I be erroneous in assuming that a struggle with some is that they don’t know what they value personally but are just following cultural behavior and expectations?!
My Dad not only allowed me to “suffer” he actually caused me to “suffer” on more than one occasion. It was not painful in any extreme sense but the “sufferiing” taught me life lessons such as the value of meaningful work, reliability, dependability, etc. For a kid those were hard from my perspective. He obviously knew a whole lot more than I did and for all his “gifts” over my lifetime and his, I am enormously grateful.
Dan,
After my father’s career put our family in four states in four years, we hit a period of stability. We were in one place for five years when we found ourselves facing another move. For everyone else’s sake, my Dad turned the new position down and resigned. My parents took their life savings and bought a couple small businesses to hopefully keep our family afloat (I am the middle of seven children). Soon thereafter, in a discussion about my future, they said, “You want to go to college, do you? I hope you can afford it.” My parents had sacrificed for me and my younger siblings to avoid another relocation; now it was my turn to step up to the plate. The story about your first bike reminded me of the multiple valuable lessons that my parents taught me through this life event. It wasn’t easy, but the pride of earning my way through school, completing my education, leveraging it into my own career, and carrying the values my parents taught me into my adult life formed who I am. They helped me realize that it is important not just to work hard and do my best, but to consider how everything I do impacts others – especially my own children.
Thanks Paul. What a great story.
Character and values matter!
Successful leaders know that what they do impacts others. 🙂 Thanks for sharing a great story.