How to Bridge the Values Gap and Find Vitality
“Gaps in our lives drain the positive power to make a difference in the world.” Hyrum Smith, author of, “The 3 Gaps.”
The 3 Gaps:
- The belief gap: Is there a difference between what you believe is true and what is actually true?
- The time gap: Is there a difference between what you did today and what you said you’d do?
- The values gap: Is there a gap between what matters most to you and what you’re doing?
Bridging the values gap:
My wife is on a mission to declutter our home. But really, it’s deeper than that.
All the stuff in our storage room feels like dead weight to her. Worse than physical space, it takes up mental and emotional space, as well.
Yesterday, on a walk, I asked her a series of questions that uncovered her values.
- What is clutter? After all, clutter to one is treasure to another.
- What do you need to do to declutter? (Insert any goal in the place of declutter.)
- Is that all? Provide time to think about the project.
- Where would you like to start? Explore the process.
- What do you need to get started? Identify needed resources.
- Who might help?
- How long will it take? Establish a deadline with the big picture in mind.
- When can you start? Move from general to specific.
- How can I help?
- Anything else?
The question:
You might, at this point, believe her governing value is order. That’s partially right.
“What would it feel like to have your home decluttered?” I asked.
“Freedom,” she replied without hesitation. “Everything you own, owns a piece of you.”
“So this is a freedom project?” I asked.
“Yes.”
Her lesser value is order. The situational value that energizes her is freedom.
Vitality is the result of living your deepest values.
How might leaders tap into the energy of living their values?
How might leaders help others tap into the energy of living their values?
***
“The 3 Gaps,” is a wonderful read with practical application for leaders.
Great thoughts to Ponder. I love the list of Questions – Thanks Dan
Thanks for the list of questions. It helps me to understand why I need to declutter as well.
Great reminders, especially the first one — the belief gap — which trips up so many of us as we make assumptions that are not grounded in reality. All three are good questions. Plus I relate to your wife’s mission! 😉
The questions you asked sound very much like the ones good wellness professionals ask their clients. For any change that will stick, we need to understand how it relates to our personal core values. Imagine if more leaders and companies asked these questions before any major initiative. How much successful would they be?
Vitality is the result of living your deepest values. Wow! A concise statement of something I’ve tried to say for years.
Thanks
Dan, I always enjoy your posts, and my wife is in declutter mode too. She reads books about decluttering the way I read books on leadership. This post gives me some perspective on both.
The questions that are mentioned here are a really interesting way to help someone think deeply about what they’re doing and why. As a teacher leader, I sometimes come across colleagues who are so caught up in the day to day details of our work that the bigger picture and the vision they came into this profession with is lost. If I could change the words of the questions (keeping the same essence) and bring them to my teachers about their work, I wonder what I might be able to help them remember and act upon once again…
I’ve only started following your blog recently, but it’s given me a lot to think about as a leader. Thank you!
Wow…I am right there with your wife. Having two additional homes to empty out in addition to reducing clutter in ours has been very draining. Giving items away to those who can use them has been very uplifting!
How do you bridge the truth gap and begin to see what you currently do not?
Thanks Elysa. Bring the outside in?? Listen to those who might know??
Elysa;
That’s a great question we all should remember and concidered continually.
We have to have an open unbiased mind to look at things with absolute objectivity. I reflect back to my days as a child. As a child, when I encountered new concepts I did so with an ‘Open Mind’ because I wanted to learn, I wanted to expand my knowledge. Somewhere along the way to adulthood many trade in their open mind, for a skeptical one that IS NOT receptive to different views and values.
Give up preconcieved perceptions, keep an open mind, and embrace the wonderful learning opportunities these circumstances provide to expand our knowledge and understanding of the world & the people around us.
SGT Steve
Great process. As we know, so often the espoused values live on a piece of paper. This will be a great book not just to read, but to share with coaching clients and teams struggling to give values a life.
In conversation with your wife, you might want to go a little deeper. Why is freedom important? Freedom to what end? Freedom itself I might surmise is NOT the real value, it is a path to something else. What would she do with her freedom?
Great point Pete – both freedom from and freedom to are so worth exploring – and when she has freedom what does she have that is even more important?
I too am on the mission to declutter my home…I can completely relate to the need to be free of the clutter mentally, emotionally and physically. I am going to print your questions to ask myself in my journey!! Thank you for sharing this.
The second gap is where I struggle the most, it is a constant effort to balance fulfilling the promises I make to myself and my team with the daily demands that pop up across our organization.
Thanks for sharing the list of questions, it is a great way to frame up the creation of a plan to bridge the gap!
Strikes a chord with me in relation to the ‘knowing – doing’ gap. Society appears to be moving towards people knowing lots of ‘stuff’ and away from people doing lots if ‘stuff’. For ‘stuff’ read leading, values etc
Hi Dan. I personally find the phrase…what would it feel like to….insert anything here…to be a powerful way for people to step into what is possible. Thanks for sharing!
While I really identify with your wife’s mission, I can see even stronger applicability here in my role. Our organization has moved from being a “Mom and Pop” shop to a much larger one with needs for operations to be systematized. I’m thinking about ways to make time for conversations like this that can move the needle for us and Imagine the beliefs area is ripe for work. Thanks for the helpful nudge.
Vitality. I will admit not remembering seeing that word placed in the theme of workplace happiness or leadership development or similar EVER. Maybe I just missed it? Unlike “Excellence,” which connotes performance, “vitality” seems to get at the essence of acting and feeling human.
An interesting post about the human spirit. And I wonder how many of us feel this kind of “vitality” in our workplaces? Clutter and over-busyiness seem to be a much more normal state of affairs…
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Dan, The house clutter must be catching we are on the same path as we speak! Truly to to enhance our values is merely a choice we need to make, holding back and putting off till tomorrow is one point that causes regrets. Tapping into our values I believe develops with time and experiences, we are always learning about ourselves and others it seems for eternity.
Gap questions apply to all aspects of my life…. Self improvement, middle school educator, parent, school leadership team. Can not wait to dive deeper into this! Thanks!
It’s a learning process, you must make this questions in order to find real value, It’s not easy to identify your gaps, all by yourself… and definitly it’s a dynamic process, because maybe your values do not change much, but environment does, and sometimes it becomes more difficult to really identify that value that provides freedom when you close the gap.
Would love to read the book!!!
Unconfortable questions for action. GREAT! Tks!
Wow— nice example. Using the same ‘clutter’ reference, I see how de-cluttering my office environment would make a world of difference in my own productivity and allow me to work from a place of my values.
Definitely looking to fill my gaps!!
Thanks for highlighting this book. I like his quote at the beginning. While your article is valuable in thinking about values – thanks for the questions, the gap about beliefs also caught my attention. What I also noticed is the closed-ended question “Is there a difference….” . A good coaching question would be open ended and be something like “how is what you believe to be true different than what is actually true?” I think the closed-ended question about beliefs actually makes you sit up and take notice – of your beliefs, assumptions, truths. Thanks Dan!
I think one of the great points you brought up was to get to the Real goal or objective. We have been having some issues among upper management that are being dealt with as communication issues. However, upon really looking at them, they are issues of disrespect and dismissal. Therefore, we’ve been trying to fix the wrong problem. This was very eye-opening. Thanks!
YES! It is in the living our values that we are most motivated and have unlock the greatest power to achieve successful results. You just helped me with a coaching question to ask to someone whose been stuck in a bit of a rut. Thank you! love it.
Of the three gaps, the values gap has been my biggest personal challenge. How we spend our precious time tells the tale. Thanks for another thoughtful post, and best wishes for the “decluttering” effort!
Top of the mornin to ya Dan;
Several of my teammates and I debated this topic just recently. I’ve got to run to the Academy in a few moments. We found that for those who are a bit firm, OK, ‘unflexable’ where values are concerned have the most difficult time bridging that gap. Personally I strongly believe we all need to understand that as times change, people change, the world changes, and values change. Each of us must keep an open mind when cincidering another’s values.
We see changes in every generation. I believe it requires tolerance and an open mind to sometimes bring the gap. However I believe it’s worth it. Often times the differences between people and teams is what creates unbelueably succsessful organizations.
Got to go Dano
“CHEERS”
SGT Steve
I am a recent subscriber and I am thoroughly enjoying the reading! I am a 15+ year manager/leader and still learning, but have recently stepped way outside of my educational background and comfort zone. I find your articles very enlightening. I have already watched “Find Your Tennis Ball” several times and shared it with many others.
I love “walking meetings!” Whether for professional discussions or with my wife and/or children. Seems to put everyone on neutral, equal ground and fosters candid discussion. Fortunately, I live in North Central Florida, so the weather is conducive to getting outside the building for these.
Look forward to tomorrow’s article!
A wonderful framework for discussion. I like that you unpacked the issue on a walk, great for the mind, body and soul.
Thanks, love your posts! Following on twitter.
A trip to Cambodia, then to Africa showed me true happiness. People (especially kids) who didn’t have much, were the happiest people I’ve ever met.
I came back & got rid of almost everything I owned, all non essentials were gone and wow! Life was so much easier all of sudden…. simplicity is happiness! After reading this, I realize that I’ve freed myself by getting rid of “stuff”.
Love this root cause analysis done on a psychological level.
Hi Dan-What a great post…so much food for thought questioning the why and digging deeper into our values. Very interesting with the decluttering in relationship to the minimalist movement. As we seek to find that peaceful balance with our core values, the external world and our things. I am helping a friend declutter his home and can’t wait to ask him these questions. Thank you.
“Everything you own owns a part of you” resonated with me and I think is very powerful!
I have a friend who is a professional organizer and she has some great stories about diving into these kind of gap issues and the deeper underlying root causes/needs. She says something that resonates with what your wife said: As you go through all the things in your house, physically hold them and ask “does this bring me joy?” If the answer is not an obvious yes then get rid of it.
Also, I wonder if she’s seen Fight Club, where Brad Pitt’s character says, “The things you own, end up owning you.” Violent movie but some very powerful deep questions are asked in it.
Fascinating stuff, Dan. I particularly like the first and third gaps mentioned–the belief and values gaps. The two are intertwined, in my opinion. What we value and what we do generally flows out of what we believe, and thus the degree to which our values and actions make sense depends on the degree to which what we believe actually corresponds to the truth.
I do wonder (I’ve been in a similar situation), does the decluttering actually provide the “freedom” she is seeking?
If she was to measure her “freedom-satisfaction” (for lack of a better term) for a time span before the decluttering, and then afterwards, is there an actual rise in the satisfaction she is looking for? (beyond a temporary rise created by the accomplishment of the decluttering task).
I do like the 3 gaps and how your questions uncovered a bigger underlying value. (hence stress created by the values gap).
Once a bigger value is uncovered, there is still much to explore. Is decluttering the only tactic that she can use? is it the right tactic? Is it being wrongfully-accused, meaning that once the decluttering is done, there is another item getting in the way of “freedom”?
I realize my comment is on the surface issue of the decluttering, and I’ve had items disappear due to this tactic. lol. I’m a believer in your first point “clutter to one is treasure to another.”
Now what is behind all of this, and the point of your article. The 3 Gaps so seem like great concepts to have in your pocket as you explore any issue. Thinking about how I define those gaps (without having read the book) I can easily see ways in which they zap the positive power out of some situations.
Thanks for sharing. I will try to keep these in mind as I look at dissecting my own issues, and if others ask me for help with theirs.
Love this post, Dan. An important observation: everyone needs outside help to discover their deepest values, just as you asked these questions of your wife.
So true Robert. That’s why “alone we go faster, together we go further”. It’s difficult to stay objective when you’re emotionally concerned, so we need outside help !
I love the practical application of “work” leadership principles to leading well at home! Game changer.
Gaps 2 and 3 seem fairly straight forward — making better use of your time, doing the most meaningful things. Gap 1 seems a bit tougher to grasp. How do you determine what is true and what is thought to be true?
I like the 3 Gaps. If I focus on them I can change where I am at and how I feel about myself.
The belief gap is one I struggle to coach people out of all the time – often because it is closely linked to another ‘gap’
My personal live collides with this post. Thanks for the practical questions to expose a clear direction to close the gap between my immobility and desired reality.
Your definition of vitality (living your deepest values) made me think… I am striving to fully live my deepest values but I am not there yet so it seems I am chasing vitality.
This one nails it on the head, or in the heart. Inner contradictions grow out of these 3 Gaps. An inner house in conflict is never as strong as one acting in unison and integrity.
Great information on the three gaps people struggle with on a daily basis. For me, I struggle with the time gap in business. My best laid plan rarely works out to keep me on track. As someone mentioned on an earlier post, the values and belief gaps are definitely intertwined. If you’re doing what matters most to you then your beliefs should follow in line.
Dan, your questions provide such a great scaffold for taking action. Love it!
Those are really deep thoughts that require a high level of commitment.
I like the idea of the questions. They help focus the effort.
How would you approach recognizing when there is a gap between your expectations of others and where you also fall short in meeting them?
Dan, I love your posts…this one really struck a chord with me. Thank you!
Very interesting! I would like to learn more about this.
I think the quote: “Everything you own, owns a piece of you.”…. is very thought provoking and could be the title of many sermons, or lectures… Speaking from one who enjoys clutter and trying to declutter to make life more simple and value driven…. Thank you for sharing!
There is much wisdom in this. We intend to declutter the junk at home. people believe that junk drains energy. It also takes up time to look after it.
A decluttered mind helps to reduce these gaps
Wonderful.
Your wife is both lucky to have and a doll to put up with you 🙂 Maybe that is another gap to explore! In truth, we all have these gaps to some degree or another and I believe the breadth of one gap is directly proportional to the breadth of the other gaps. I’d be interested to hear if H. Smith recommends an order of operations when seeking to bridge the gaps.
I was honored to hear Harry Kraemer, Jr., former CEO of Baxter International Inc., speak on the importance of values-based leadership. We only have 168 hours in a week. How do we spend that time? What does how we spend our time say about our values? How can we free up time and space in our lives for a life balance. I applaud your wife and am inspired to do the same. Thanks, Dan!
Thanks Pam. I talked with Harry when his book, From Values to Action, came out. He had a big impact on me and my thinking.
So enjoying your writings on Leadership!
I like the idea of looking at the word GAP to the 3rd power!
__ GAP = got a problem?
__ GAP = get a partner…
__ GAP = get a plan!
Thxs Dan!
The best way we can influence and help someone is being a great role model through our character, conversation, and conduct. Words are easy to say but living them are proud of our comminment to be a better person and leader in our families and society.
“Everything you own, owns a piece of you.” This one struck me to my core! First I believe it’s true, so it makes me look at what I own with new eyes. Then I have proof that it’s true as it is revealed that I am face with an internal struggle when thinking of getting rid of it…
Great post. The hard part is too look at yourself honestly, to be brutal with yourself about how you are spending time, and to truly understand what your values are, not what you think they ought to be. Self knowledge is painfully limited and as they say “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”
Elysa;
That’s a great question we all should remember and concidered continually.
We have to have an open unbiased mind to look at things with absolute objectivity. I reflect back to my days as a child. As a child, when I encountered new concepts I did so with an ‘Open Mind’ because I wanted to learn, I wanted to expand my knowledge. Somewhere along the way to adulthood many trade in their open mind, for a skeptical one that IS NOT receptive to different views and values.
Give up preconcieved perceptions, keep an open mind, and embrace the wonderful learning opportunities these circumstances provide to expand our knowledge and understanding of the world & the people around us.
SGT Steve
Great piece—I have forwarded this to several people already. I particularly enjoy reading all the comments —it’s like a group conversation with lots of different perspectives and ideas. Thanks!
This was an incredible post. I hope to see a copy of this book join my bookshelf 🙂
Another great reminder that tapping into our core values and the broader narrative we’re living will always bring with it the freedom, energy, and motivation we need to accomplish our goals.
This also reminded me of the old Trident bubblegum commercials that gave people a better reason to chew gum in public – which was to fight cavities. Trident chewers would say, “I’m not chewing gum. I’m fighting cavities.” Your wife isn’t decluttering. She’s liberating herself.
I think two key questions need to be answered in our hearts..
— Is what I’m doing valuable?
— Is my role valuable?
The will to sustain a long term effort evaporates without a positive to these questions..
I would like to be one of the chosen. I never stop learning!
Looks like an interesting book, curious to read more about the 3 gaps!
Dan, terrific post. I love the questions you ask your wife here. Very relevant to many situations of “clutter.” Enjoy your wise words every day!
I am intrigued by the Gap conversation, definitely a concept that I would like too throw out to my team as we continue to develop them and to add into conversations with their customers in tackling large projects.
great freak.
It can be so easy to get lost in the process of coming up with ideas or in the process of doing that you lose track of the ‘why’. I’m a teacher and a new leader of teachers and we can easily get bogged down in the day to day stuff. This list of questions will be really helpful to remind me to remind them and myself to step back a little and ponder the ‘why’. Thank you.
Great thoughts-very practical to take and apply to what I do on a daily basis.
The Values gap resonates with me. I know what I believe that I value at work and home. All too often, though, my actions in both environments don’t line up with those values. There is definitely a gap. It reminds me of the urgent vs. important dichotomy from Covey’s 7 Habits. I get sucked into the urgent all the time, when it is the important that really needs and deserves my highest and most focused attention.
Interesting concepts – looking into self deception. Something that seems common. Looks like it would be a great read
I enjoyed the post today. Thanks for the work you do in putting this blog together each day.
This is true both of individuals and groups. When working with churches in vision discernment I begin by helping them identify their core values. One of the things that drain churches of energy and vitality is trying to do things that are not congruent with their core values. When they begin to live into those values they often find the life and ministry of the congregation takes on more energy. Of course, the same thing is true for individuals, families, and other organizations. Great article!
Dan,
Grateful for this and all your posts – they’re helping me sort through my own values and make positive differences. Thank you.
Peace and life to you.
Hyrum Smith is a favorite author. His writing style is straightforward and instructional and his topics are spot on. Pretty much like the topic that you’ve presented here, Dan.
Always good stuff on here!
Everyone needs a sense of purpose, a life mission, and when we can tie actions that would normally bring up resistance (tedious, overwhelming, not fun), aligning them with out bigger purpose or mission – being free, being of service, learning compassion, etc – the resistance becomes suddenly lessened and an inner shift in perspective allows for the joy of perceiving opportunities for growth.
The Three Gaps all strike the innermost parts of how we try to live our lives. All are important, and I am glad you chose the Values Gap to demonstrate the process. It is the gap between what matters most to you and what you’re doing.
And it seems so enlightening and exciting and motivating to start a project of ‘de-cluttering,’ and finding out it is really about Freedom. The questions that you ask are not aggressive, but they are insightful.
And what a gift to the other person: The questions result in the other person providing honest answers, and seeing the road ahead differently from where they originally began the journey!
I admire the gift that you give us everyday.
Thank you.
I believe being an authentic leader empowers you to deal with all 3 gaps! Authenticity in leadership was a revelation to me: to be able to freely lead as influenced by your values and what makes you ‘you’, has been a mantra for me. It also works so well with character strengths, love languages and the ability to have a growth mindset in dealing with the 3 gaps listed. I continue to be challenged and grow through your posts, thanks! BTW – our school holiday break has consisted of ‘de-cluttering and all the discussions that come with attachment to ‘things’, very relevant.
Thanks for the great summary of the gaps. Of course the challenge is in recognizing and responding properly. That isn’t easy.
Good Stuff! I have been working on some of this for a few months. This is very helpful! Thank you!!
What I find difficult when trying to identify a core value of someone, is assuming that you have identified it before you actually have. Good leaders never assume things, but always validate the data as much as they can. You did this by your last question that nailed the value by her own response. Good fishing!
This is something I have been exploring recently too. Obviously you can relate to your wife’s need for freedom, as can I. What happens when we can’t connect to someone else’s value?
Interesting. I like this. We need to find ways to be owned less by the things we do without taking the time off or riding in the backseat.
Just had an epiphany about the time gap today. I had a list of things to accomplish however, I ended up n the classroom subbing for one of m staff. My list and intentions were hijacked… Even though I had a good day, I feel behind as no one subbed for me. How do I address the time gap when I’m not always in control of my time?
The urgent so often crowds out what any one of us plans on getting done for the day.
Thanks for the reminders!
I don’t let go for most. I’d like to learn otherwise if otherwise.
Dan, don’t we need to start with the “Why?” questions? If we don’t understand why there is clutter or why there are gaps, we have addressed the symptom, not the issue. Been there, done that and the symptoms will return if the underlying issues are not addressed.
I would love to read this!
Great workable concepts with applications for leaders, organizations – and anyone who wants to make a change from their current to their desired state. This would be an excellent resource to use in the organization where I work, as they are beginning to examine their corporate values, what they mean, and how to ale them more top of mind and action.
An insiteful and thought provoking read. Can’t wait to read the full version.
Great thoughts
This viewpoint helps us ask coaching type questions in a way that the recipients do not find threatening or controlling. It gives a new perspective.
This was a very interesting and thought provoking read. I would love to get the book and dive more into this.
Awesome read! Very thought provoking. Would love to get the book and dive further into it
I am a leader, a wife and a hoarder. Recently I felt the need to decluttter the house. I could not say why this change came about until I was very recently diagnosed with cancer. Whilst some b stuff at work and in the home I valued greatly, I realise those things that I valued the most were positive things I had achieved or made or others benefited from it so I could literally throw them away. You begin to begin to realise that some people are like my clutter. They did more harm than good and some were if value to my life and professional development. Any time of decluttering as a wife, leader or self confessed hoarder is truly a carthartic experience. Thanks Dan for food for my thoughts. Jude
Vitality is also the act of fighting to live to uphold one’s values when protecting then is hardest.
I just bought the Audible version so I can listen to it next. Almost finished with “Rising Strong” by Brene Brown: another great read!
Thanks Lisa. I loved Rising Strong! The connection between setting boundaries and having compassion was a real light bulb moment.
This is some really strong content. Thank you for these thoughts and challenges. Thank you for believing in developing others!
Gaps 1 and 2 are the hardest for me. Love the part when you drill down to the impotence behind your wife’s desire to declutter
Your framing of the gap between what we expect of ourselves and what we accomplish is intriguing, and I’m interested in reading more. I’m looking forward to reading the book!
Nicely put, “…the framing of the gap…” was changed from a void, something missing to bridge the sides, to a switch that can be flipped. There is nothing missing at all. There is an opportunity to make a choice that will change your experience, and with that comes the ripple.
The series of questions made me think of Margaret Wheatley’s ‘Perseverance’ when she talks about letting go of the river bank. We are often punishing ourselves for what we perceive to be holding on for dear life when we really need to relax and see where it takes us.
Love the center on the values that govern what you *think* you want to accomplish – and it is the questioning/ coaching that helps us to uncover that (it is a strong person who can coach themselves there!).
Very much looking forward to the centering questions about the TIME gap – ouch! Implicated!
Thank you again Dan for sharing your valuable lessons. Finding gaps is the first step to discover opportunity and understanding the other person’s needs is the first step towards closing the gap between service and profits (there needs and ours).
Wow! What a great offer!
Dan,
Hope it’s not too late to enter the raffle….
I absolutely loved the example you used here because it hits so close to home. If you don’t mind, I’m going to borrow it so that I can have a conversation about the very same topic with my spouse! ; )
Dr. Pinzon
Yes! This is very helpful to me…you words and your wife’s words. I will be thinking about this. Thank you.
Your words of wisdom inspire to action!
Excellent piece
Coach Dan, you of course cannot know how appropriate and how much valued your list of questions are for me… I have been dealing with an issue lately, after such an extended period of inaction, that this sequence has already had impact – on first consideration.
The first five are so important to me, setting the focus for me. Only in the sixth and again in the eighth do the very crucial contributions of others come into the mix. I do, however, much as your representation suggests (your questions to your wife), believe there is an important need to include others in your thinking and planning.
Thanks so much for the heads-up for this thinking and for the book!
Very interesting perspectives in the three gaps.
This post could not have come at a better time – as I feel it’s time to re-assess goals.
Running helps me “declutter” the mind, will definitely ponder on these questions on my long run this weekend😊
The discussion of the 3 gaps really hit home with me. The Bible talks about walking with integrity and I always kind of struggled to understand what a life of integrity looked like and how to frame it. As soon as I read about the belief, time and values gap, it hit me. That’s it! That’s spiritual integrity (really the only kind there is) and that’s where it hits home. Thanks for sharing that and I look forward to reading more about it in Mr. Smith’s book – soon I hope.
Great point about searching for the deeper value. It’s tempting to run with the most obvious choice when you start assessing values — whether they are your own or someone else’s.