Solution Saturday: Direct Reports Don’t Open Up
Dear Dan,
I work for a company that believes developing people is central to success.
Part of my job is connecting with my direct reports in such a way that they feel free to discuss and address areas where they can improve. The trouble is, I have a direct report who clams up.
I feel the barriers go up every time I ask a question about her performance or aspirations. A conversation with her is like pulling teeth. She always seems protective. If there is an issue, it’s other people’s fault.
How can I get my direct report to open up?
Thank you for any suggestions,
Pulling Teeth*
Dear Pulling,
This morning I imagined what it might be like to have a boss who expected me to be vulnerable and transparent. Frankly, it felt scary. I’m pretty open, but I can imagine how some people would be uncomfortable.
Having said that, vulnerability and transparency are essential to development. Fake relationships are all about maintaining the status quo and protecting ego.
Be aware that transparency and vulnerability are unusual expectations. Typically, in organizational life, we’re expected to have it all together. Vulnerability isn’t at the top of the list of desired qualities.
When someone is uncomfortable, treat them gently, not aggressively. Pull back when they pull back. Give them space. I’m not suggesting you avoid important issues. Just address them kindly.
How are you being vulnerable and transparent? Model the behaviors you desire. Just be aware that vulnerability and transparency may be off putting to some people. You might try telling a story of one of your failures. Talk about what you learned.
Allow for awkward silence in your conversations. Filling the silence prevents you from getting where you want to go. If the silence seems too uncomfortable, say something like, “I see you don’t have much to say, would you like some time to think about it?” Perhaps a brief postponement would be useful, as long as you come back to the topic later.
How might you prepare your direct report for the conversation? Perhaps you could send her an email with two or three of the questions you intend to ask. I realize this might send her into “report” mode. If it doesn’t work, try something else.
Get out of the office for a meeting. Try a coffee shop or lunch. Just be aware that this suggestion might make her even more uncomfortable. On this note, if you happen to travel together, use car-time to discuss light topics like hobbies, sports, current events, or the last vacation.
Don’t shy away from tough questions or uncomfortable topics. When you bring them up, do it with kindness. You might discuss your discomfort with how your conversations are going. Whenever you do this, avoid the trap of focusing on the past.
Explain your hopes for yourself. “I want to develop my ability to bring out the best in people. I’m not sure I’m doing very well in our conversations.”
Invite specific feedback on your performance from direct reports. “What one thing could I do to be a better communicator?” Dig into the topic. Look for specific, actionable behaviors.
When you receive generalities, say, “Thank you for that, but I’m looking for something that I can put into practice today.”
Adopt new behaviors. Discuss results. Adapt. (Model transparency and vulnerability.)
Give it time. Some people are naturally skeptical. They need time to see if you’re trustworthy. If time doesn’t help, discuss the advantages and disadvantages of skepticism.
Understand the difference between friendship and partnership. You want direct reports to believe you’re on their team. You don’t want them to feel pressured to be your BFF.
Lastly, you might consider a 360 degree assessment that focuses on the skills required to create safe challenging environments. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to sit across the table from you. I like narrative 360’s that are based on conversations, rather than surveys.
How might leaders help direct reports practice vulnerability and transparency?
*This question is the composite of two questions that two leaders recently brought up.
This is something that Dan also mentioned, but I like to chat about times in the past where I faltered and how I learned from it. When the right opportunity comes up, I like to talk with my directs (both individually and with them as a group) about how I learn from them and how much I appreciate their coaching upward to me with feedback. Some of our individual conversations are about things we’re working on or working toward, but some are just casual chats about things in our personal lives or even things that bug us at work.
I’m definitely not trying to be anyone’s BFF, but the casual chats go a long way toward learning about each other and building genuine caring. Caring is a huge part of my work relationships in all directions (directs, peers and superiors). Caring drives me to do the right thing, which can be pretty difficult at times. Ultimately, I feel that caring has to be felt before trust is given. So when I begin working with a new direct report, I just try to get to know them, their likes, their strengths, their dislikes, etc. From this I learn to appreciate their value and show them that I appreciate and care about them. After we’ve established caring and appreciation, then we roll.
Once in a while, a certain direct will be a big challenge in building trust. I just keep opening up and keep working at it. I once had a direct with whom it took about a year before I felt I had earned their trust and respect. I really worked at it during that year, but it was so rewarding to finally feel that we had arrived at a good place together. What I most learned from that time is that everyone’s timing is different and you can never give up doing the right thing. I didn’t consider it their fault that it took longer than with others. This person was my barometer and I didn’t feel that I had “arrived” as a manager until I finally felt their trust in me. I was glad that they challenged me because I grew from this experience. And down the road I even let that person know how much I appreciated how they drove me to work at being a better leader and coach.
From my rambling, I’d say that caring and appreciation are key toward building trust. The other person (direct, peer or superior) will only open up to after you’ve built trust. So be sure to give your trust along the way and it will happen. And don’t ever give up. As Dave mentioned, it just takes more time with some people than with others.
Thanks Mary. It’s so great that you bring trust-building to this conversation. Your passion and patience are inspiring to me.
Perhaps a coaching question for managers in this situation is, “What are you doing to show that you care?” This question needs to be addressed from the direct’s point of view, not ours.
It’s so powerful to read how you took this situation as a development opportunity for yourself. We don’t grow until we look at ourselves. It’s so easy to blame other people and in the process miss the opportunity to grow.
Cheers!
Excellent response, Mary!
In my opinion, good leaders are authentic in caring about their team. Good leaders make sure they set up their team for success. Good leaders play people to their strengths, “catch people doing things right,” don’t expect more of their staff than they do of themselves, and work with their staff (to a reasonable degree) to help them develop their careers consistent with the employee’s interests and ambitions.
While we can all improve ourselves in some way, I’m afraid the trend in American management is to nitpick about trivial matters instead of accentuating the positive.
Too often, managers just raise their expectations of employees who routinely go above and beyond and excel, constantly trying to squeeze more and more out of employees. Employee behavior that was going the extra mile soon becomes the new baseline. In many organizations, top performers just get rewarded with more work and higher expectations.
In the end, I think the best leaders, managers and companies are intentional about defining, recognizing and rewarding top performance and focus on what matters most instead of always looking for negatives. Focusing on the positive builds respect and trust, and that builds productive teams. If I’m off base here, I welcome other perspectives.
Very interest question and response. I like the listening / not jumping into silence periods. If the direct report is reluctant, jumping in sends the wrong message.
I’d also suggest asking the direct report for thoughts on an important topic with the reminder that they are important and valued. The direct reports must believe their feedback is valued. And this brings up two other thoughts. First, acknowledge the value OR the lack thereof. “Great thought; how might we flush things out further?” Or “Hadn’t thought of that; here’s the concern that comes to mind that maybe you have thoughts on.”
And second, when in a team meeting, ask the reluctant one to share her thoughts.
Thanks John. It’s great to see your comment.
The idea of asking for their thoughts reminds me of the power of being a learner/follower, or more specifically, placing others in the position of power.
People who feel competent and respected are more likely to feel powerful. Feeling powerful produces boldness. (I don’t want the negative connotations of power to block its usefulness.)
Your suggestion also reminds me of the importance of giving feedback and asking second questions. Cheers
It seems like the direct report may be filtering the current environment and work relationships through prior experiences. Her historical beliefs can crowd out the good that the leader is doing. I wonder if she has had the opportunity to see her pears and teammates model this out. I’m sure there are many ways to address this, but she may have to “let go” of past issues (forgive other people and herself) for these techniques to be effective.
“Tough road to hoe” for sure! Trust builds bridges, respect drives the contributions when taken equally. Fear will prevent total trust especially if one has been burned before.
To aspire to grow will only suceed if we all believe in the mission!