Three Secrets For Transforming Conflict Into Creative Energy
Some people have positive, healthy associations with conflict, but most do not.
The casualties of conflict:
- Drama.
- Violence.
- Broken relationships.
- Uncomfortable tension.
The culprit:
Conflict isn’t the problem.
Google the word “conflict” and the most frequently associated terms are “resolution,” “mediation,” “management,” and “reduction.” The message? Conflict is the problem.
The problem with conflict mediation, management, and reduction programs is that each one positions conflict as the culprit.
Conflict is a tremendous source of energy if we use it properly.
Definition:
Conflict is the energy created by the gap between what we want and what we are experiencing at any point in time.
Myths:
- Peace is the absence of conflict.
- Compassion means less conflict.
More on counterproductive myths of conflict.
3 secrets to using conflict to create:
- Be open. It feels uncomfortable, vulnerable and counterintuitive, yet being transparent about your feelings and motives during conflict is the best way to create a safe place for real conversation. Authenticity starts with openness.
- Be a resource, don’t rescue. During conflict, it’s tempting to give unsolicited advice. Nothing breeds defensiveness more. Come with resources and options, share advice only if asked, and always stay curious.
- Know your non-negotiables. Conflict destroys when we give ultimatums, threats, or draw lines in the sand. Instead get clear about what’s at stake for you, why it matters, and what principles you desire to uphold. Share these without expectations, and be prepared to work toward honoring them.
You can change the world, one creative conflict at a time!
What warning do you have about dealing with conflict?
How might leaders leverage the creative power of conflict?
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20 free copies of, Conflict without Casualties.
Leave a comment on this guest post by Dr. Nate Regier to become eligible to win one of TWENTY complimentary copies of Conflict without Casualties. (Deadline: 4/29/2017)
About Dr. Nate Regier
Dr. Nate Regier is the co-founding owner and chief executive officer of Next Element, a global advisory firm specializing in building cultures of compassionate accountability. A former practicing psychologist, Regier is an expert in social-emotional intelligence and leadership, positive conflict, mind-body-spirit health, neuropsychology, group dynamics, interpersonal and leadership communication, executive assessment and coaching, organizational development, team building and change management. An international adviser, he is a certified Leading Out of Drama master trainer, Process Communication Model® certifying master trainer and co-developer of Next Element’s Leading Out of Drama® training and coaching. Nate has published two books: Beyond Drama and his latest work, Conflict without Casualties.
This is a tough one for me, either the way I’m wired or upbringing or both. It’s hard to get past that uncomfortable feeling, but on the [rare] occasions that I have, there have been amazing breakthroughs. Looking forward to checking out the book for tools on how to get there more often!
I am so attuned to others feelings that I tend to avoid conflict because I do not want them to be discouraged.
I’ve always viewed conflict as an opportunity. It opens up the doors for conversation, and for positive change when that’s the right choice. But either way, conflict shows passion, which means an employee is still engaged. I worry about when there is no conflict, since that may indicate an employee has checked out!
Conflict leads to many different uncomfortable feelings in the body based on the past experiences of each individual. So I think part of solution is how do we help people get more comfortable with the “feeling” in the body so they can more easily deal with the conflict at hand ?
Useful to consider how being authentic to oneself and with others is really important to minimise frustration. What about using the NLP 3rd Position to gain a perspective that isn’t that of any of those directly involved?
I don’t think conflict is comfortable for anyone. However, crucial conversations are important regarding the conflict. I do agree that transparency is very important. Great article.
I like framing what’s at stake with I statements and not as ultimatums. That’s really helpful. So instead of “if you don’t…, I will…” saying something like, “this is what’s important to me and I feel like I’m not getting it, how can we figure this out?” the shift in orientation feels like a great way to walk through conflicted scenarios (both internally and externally) and be more productive. Thanks for the post, I always learn something!
Useful to consider how being authentic to oneself and with others is really important to minimise frustration. What about using the NLP 3rd Position to gain a perspective that isn’t that of any of those directly involved?
I agree that if you are open and own your discomfort, feelings, expectations, etc., then you can begin a dialogue that can lead to much better outcomes for all. Easy to say, hard to do. But, practicing will make this easier to do over time.
Conflict is a way to grow, if you can get past the initial sting of the conversation then it paves a way for growth in all areas.
Conflict is not easy for me. I tend to want to avoid confrontation but have come to understand when managed properly it is a source of growth.
Thanks for the very helpful pointers and motivation to change from being “conflict averse”
Thanks for the insight!! This sure gives me a new perspective for dealing with conflict, as I too have looked at conflict as a negative event and problem. I can see where this concept will be applicable to my role as a manager of a fairly large team in the healthcare industry. I certainly look forward to reading Conflicts without Casualties to educate myself further on redirecting my way of thinking to utilize conflict in a positive manner.
I have meetings starting just before lunch until I leave…trying to be in road by 2:00 your time. Are you available then?
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I can definitely relate to the myth “compassion means less conflict” and have learned personally first hand from this experience. I took that route and found that it was more detrimental in the long run. I have many take-aways from that experience and have learned there must be a balance between compassion and accountability.
A future leader..always looking to build a professional library
I love this definition: “Conflict is the energy created by the gap between what we want and what we are experiencing at any point in time”. In the “best way” , I envision conflict as the opportunity to learn, grow, stretch, and manage ego. Thanks for this topic! One warning with dealing with conflict I tell myself is: “who is doing the talking? Ego vs. Right Intention”
Conflict as we understand it leads to many negative and uncomfortable feelings. It sets up the parties to be in defense mode. While in defense mode the goal is to be absolutely right and defend at all cost. Changing our view of the meaning of conflict will allow the opportunity for engaging in honest communication, resolving the issue and have a more meaningful outcome. Thanks for sharing an opportunity to grow.
Thank you for the pointers, as an HR professional always looking for new/different approaches to reduce the drama and have a positive resolution that allows for acceptance.
Good article, maintaining a calm posture during these events is important as well, reducing to a screaming match never works well. It is difficult to get to the being transparent, guarding is a ntural defensive strategy that is very hard to get past.
Blessed are the peacemakers. Conflict is an opportunity to glorify God, to show love and respect for others, to stand for truth. I like what you’ve written here.
Love these tidbits! Thanks!
It is so important to listen! Most times, I find that the conflict will de-escalate as soon as the other person feels they are being heard.
Some people mistake being “comfortable” with conflict as enjoying it or at a minimum not appearing to be affected by conflict. That is not my experience. I am comfortable with conflict only in that a resolution can be found and things can improve! I do not want to live or work in an environment full of conflict. SO, the only way to work through conflict is to face it head-on and dig until it is understood. When people are not willing to do that, they do not grow. We learn about ourselves through our relationships with others –good and bad.
Remaining curious seems to be the key – as long as I can keep the relationship as the top value rather than my own ego. Great thoughts from the author.
The most problematic conflict issue at work occurs when when there is a belief that both parties are not on equal footing when presenting their propositions. In such a situation, when the assumed pre-determined result occurs, people are left not only with a situational issue — but a work relationship that can become deadly unless a way is found to resolve the underlying concerns. At that point, knowing your absolute non-negotiables is critical. If you can’t get beyond this conflict, then you have to either make a stand and deal with the consequences (could be good, could be negative), leave, or stay risk becoming a negative force within the company. Silver lining — these types of ‘at your core’ situations can help make you grow into a better employee, leader, and person.
Excellent subject. I love these ideas.
Insightful.. you created a thirst for the book! 🙂
Perfect timing for this article! Thank you for sharing.
We were always in “debates” growing up. My parents rarely argued so a strong debate, which required having facts to support your stance, was just routine. Now that I’m an adult in the workplace, some totally shutdown instead of rising to the occasion. When asking their viewpoints they explain how arguments became violent during their childhood and that was extremely scary as a young child. This information seems helpful to anyone since we always want to get our way and many times that requires reaching consensus.
Great points about conflict and our bias toward it.
We are a funny species that dreams up ideas such as these, and we have the power to turn these dreams into beliefs.
The more I read and watch others, I think that at the core, it is not really the “conflict” that is the matter. We script some kind of “Intent” that we put behind what others are doing. then we act as if our made up reasoning is true.
As we deal with conflicts, we should make it a goal to make sure our intent is understood, that way the other parties will be more open to us being involved.
There is a key to this. Before we even begin with others we have to begin with ourselves. We need to figure out what our real intent is. When we approach others if we are pretending to have one intention while truly having another, our behaviors will give us away. In the end we will act in ways that will show our true intentions. (unless we are great liars), which is not a great place to be.
Great points on turning conflict into creative energy.
I see connections to the importance of vision/mission/etc. The role of the leader to lead is key. If you have a powerful end in mind (vision/mission/etc.) and you are able to influence others to also want to get to that end with you, you can turn many conflicts into a creative energy to keep things moving forward with momentum.
The idea of being open and vulnerable during conflicting times is definitely counter-intuitive. Yet, I have found this to be true in the churches I have served. When I pushed back and became defensive, things deteriorated and unraveled quickly. When I stayed calm and listened without a defensive agenda, things improved. Your book sound very interesting. I will check it out whether I get a free copy or not. Blessings.
I used to think “Confront” was a negative term, and maybe that is because I always like to fly below the radar and avoid uncomfortable feelings. I started hearing someone else use this term as a positive and realized that my “filter” and way of seeing things gave me that perception. Conflict is another one of those words. When you break it down, it is all in how you look at things. Many times toddlers have tantrums before a milestone breakthrough. Of course, this happens organically and internally. The conflict is just part of the process and not the milestone itself.
Being a resource and not the rescue is one of the most difficult lessons I have learned. It is easy to swoop in and “fix everything”, but after having been rescued myself, doing so robs the other party of the opportunity to learn and develop their own skills so that the next time they encounter the same conflict, they don’t need your fix – they can handle it on their own.
I like the reminder about not giving advice during conflict. I don’t think advice giving always comes from a place of “I’m right and you’re wrong”, it sometimes comes from a place of wanting to fix the uncomfortable feelings that come from conflict. Instead, the reminder to be transparent, genuine, compassionate even, will help create safety for each person to work through their own uncomfortable feelings without feeling the responsibility to fix uncomfortable feelings for others.
Listen first and understand and I mean truly understand their perspective. Then propose options. Conflict is just begging to create opportunities if both parties can engage with one another.
Curious about this book as the blog post makes it sound like you are just viewing the same event though different eyes.
I have written a quote in my daily planner that helps me with perspective when dealing with conflict, “The value of the relationship is greater than the conflict of the moment.” I refer to that often.
This is a good post! Deep down none of us desire conflict but with different perspectives and personalities it is inevitable. Some great insight here on transparency and also speaking out of what you feel instead of pointing the finger, which is our natural response. I use a biblical standard in my approach to conflict resolution found in Matthew 18. If you have a problem, you go privately to the person and try and reconcile the situation. Typically this works wonderfully. Yet on some occasions, if that doesn’t work you move on to bringing another person with you for accountability and continue to move forward from there and bring a few others for support if it completely gets out of hand and there is no restoration. At some point you would have to walk away and continue to show love and grace regardless of the outcome.
Great insights on Conflict. So many people are afraid of conflict, and miss the transformation power that comes with it. I need to do some work on that in our organization — this is very timely. Thanks!
Conflict, arguments, negotiations….those are areas of difficulty for me. It’s the one area I continuously try to work on and find hard to do. It usually feels like a negative confrontation and I’m uncomfortable with that. I’d love to learn how to really (finally!) really overcome it and see it in a creative light as an opportunity for me to learn – I love learning! Thank you for the opportunity. 🙂
This is a great post.
A lot of social improvement could occur if we (collectively) changed the frame around conflict to something closer to what you describe here.
Conflict, viewed negatively, sits on a premise that outside “authorities” have to be brought in to manage it, whether this be law enforcement, mediators, civil courts, etc. This is a deficit view of human beings which assumes that people lack the skill or motivation to navigate, resolve, and transform their own conflicts.
Conflict, viewed positively, sits on a premise (which has been well researched) that human beings possess both the desire and capacity to navigate, resolve, and transform their own conflicts. With the well researched model, people possess innate capacities and motivations for empowered self-agency as well as acknowledgement and respect of other.
Our society is dramatically slowing its maturation and evolution by remaining stuck with conflict, viewing it as something negative, when it is actually a potential and dynamic source of energy.
robert
Dan, what was the post you had several months ago? Change doesn’t need to start at the top? Start from where you are. We just need to find the opportunity for “creative conflict” and make the change.
Excellent synopsis. I tend to be the one who embraces conflict in the workplace and in my family, but others don’t understand that you can maintain a safe place within the conflict. People are so easily hurt by conflict because they come at it from emotion rather than seeking clarity and growth.
This is a good perspective. I love to get things done; I am a “doer”. For me conflict has usually been negative in a sense that I see it as an obstacle… assuming I know where I am going and how to get there. It is good to stop and think right now as to how I could view conflict differently, how I could turn it into something good. Conflict will always be there. I think it is important to determine at the moment of conflict if it is positive or negative. I don’t think all conflict can be positive so it will be important to ask myself that question. I believe a lot of conflict has the potential to be a good thing. Conflict must still push us towards a greater goal. In any conflict, as mentioned, it makes people feel uncomfortable and people put their defenses up. No matter what it is important that everyone is respectful. I love how your second point shows that a balance is needed. I want to help, but I need to be a resource. If I am involved in the conflict I need to be authentic and open. I also need to respect others involved and respect and uphold the outcome… Sorry for all the fragmented thoughts there. Thanks for the post.
Conflict can be one of the best things to happen in a team as well as one of the worst. If managed properly, done with respect and focused toward a better outcome, conflict is hugely beneficial. Otherwise, it isn’t. As a leader, on of my role’s is to play referee to a certain degree, or facilitator to help ensure that all perspectives are heard and understood.
As a leader I feel my role is to look at conflict as an opportunity to help my organization improve. I believe Patrick Lencioni talks about embracing conflict in one of his books. I have learned that if we view conflict as an opportunity and embrace it, the organization will move forward more effectively and efficiently. It’s much easier said than done!
Thank you for these helpful thoughts.
Love this blog! Conflict left unexamined can lead to a disconnected team. Definitely affects production. May as well use conflict for good!
Conflict is a change agent and is only an issue when it is not directed at progress, not used with concern for the organization and individuals, or there is a lack of trust and common purpose. The discomfort of constructive conflict is what causes movement, movement causes progress, progress causes growth. The opposite of conflict is often complacency and stagnation. I work to create an environment where conflict is viewed as opportunity rather than challenge, where it is approached as an opportunity to grow.
I don’t like conflict. What can I create from conflict other than more conflict? What’s at stake for me is my peace of mind. If my mind is not at peace, then there is conflict, and I don’t like conflict.
No one “loves” conflict. Diversity is crucial for growth. My greatest successes were with teams where I had people who were the exact opposite from me. My greatest failures tended to come with teams that all looked a lot like me. Being comfortable with conflict and valuing opinions which are very different from your own are vital for growth and success.
Conflict is always uncomfortable for me initially, but I try to channel that discomfort into really evaluating what the TRUE source of the conflict is. Usually, the real issue isn’t even related to the matter at hand but rather a deeper-rooted less complex problem. Perhaps my biggest area of growth as a leader has been in my willingness to go into the eye of the storm in order to defuse as much as possible and try to get to the bottom of things – the raw, honest truth of things – and fast.
Being from the Midwest, we tend to be “nice” and don’t like conflict, however, “good” conflict can lead to great solutions. It is very difficult to get folks to buy into conflict is good.
In times of conflict, if I concentrate on remaining present and not drawing conclusions based on what “I think” is being said or intended, I am much better off. It’s a process…..
Conflict is a motivator. Think of all the times someone said “that can’t be done” and then someone else went out and achieved the impossible. The goal should not be to eliminate conflict as that could stifle progress. Ideas get better when there is an opponent challenging them. Personally, I view conflict as another form of diversity. …And yes I was the kid that asked “why not” often.
Growing up, particularly as a female, to avoid conflict it’s hard to change my view. But I’m learning that conflict can be a starting point for something great AS LONG as the parties are open and transparent about how they feel and why so there are no hidden agendas. I’ve also learned that I don’t shy away from conflict if I feel my core values are being threatened.
Excellent post! The most important is to be transparent with feelings and motives. As always, a post useful and deep. Thank you
Often both a personal and professional issue, I appreciate how this is explained to give a new perspective. Conflict is not always a negative experience since positive solutions may rise to the top.
Really insightful! Thanks for the post. This notion stuck out to me: Conflict is a tremendous source of energy if we use it properly”, as well as the idea to “stay curious”. To me, that means, listen, and then listen some more! Early on in a project with a team of 17, more than once someone would state a thought/idea and one individual would quickly quip with her point of view, and the first person would restate hers, then the second person would say, “oh, now I get what you’re saying, and I agree” – listening can help sideline negativity and defensiveness before it gets to conflict.
I think it’s hard to use conflict constructively. It’s hard to not be a victim, or seem defensive if you’re also being assertive, or giving an explanation for the reason behind the issues. I think the resolution and follow-up in a positive, affirming, and non-threatening manner is what makes a leader, not a manager!
I recently was challenged to begin to think of conflict in a positive light. Without comfort we are often confined within our comfort zones and this means our growth is minimized.
Constantly working on not giving unsolicited advice during conflict. You helped prepare me for an appointment where I’ll practice it again today. Thank you.
This is a great topic. I agree with the overall content. Most people avoid conflict which leads to bad moral, poor performance and lack of maximum progress. I have been labeled as aggressive many times when in fact I am simply facing conflict with an assertive style. You will gain much more respect in the long run and also have many less headaches by facing the conflict. It takes courage and skills to face conflict. I have a picture of Winston Churchill on my desk that says, “You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life”
Wow, this information is so timely for me. I am navigating conflict with a couple of my staff right now. Nothing about it feels creative at this point. It is definitely a gap between what is wanted and what is currently being experienced. At this point I am feeling like the casualty in the process!! Any and all help is certainly appreciated.
Conflict is rarely about getting the other person to respond the way you want and more about you dealing with your pride. Having been through some tough moments in life, I have found that conflict is best handled when you approach it first, get over your pride and hit it head on rather than waiting around for your desired outcome. It is never easy to deal with but we have to act first.
Conflict is neither good nor bad, it just is. Learning how to respond to conflict, without over-reacting, is a learned skill. I keep learning more about how conflict plays out in the workplace and this book looks interesting!
I love this perspective! Thanks for sharing.
It is consistent with what Jim Collins discusses in his book “Good To Great” when he talks about ‘confronting the brutal facts’. Great companies have a culture where ‘healthy conflict’ is both encouraged and rewarded because they know this is the secret to getting better and becoming a truly great organization.
Unfortunately most companies I encounter run from candor, conflict and confronting the brutal facts and end up dying a slow death over time
Conflict can be uncomfortable but it also can be a way to grow, if you can get past the initial sting of the conversation. Iit paves a way for growth in all areas.
This is very timely. I recently attended a conflict management course at work. It’s safe to say that I’m a ‘fence sitter’. I had the nickname splinter at one point! The trouble is I’m not good with conflict. I avoid it at all costs, even to the detriment of my own feelings and wellbeing. I learnt a lot from that course but I’m afraid to say I still tend to run away from conflict. I think it must be an embedded childhood habit
I could use some resources for demonstrating what healthy conflict looks like. I often see conflict avoidance because people don’t quite know the right way to bring up tough issues. Some people also justify rude or demeaning behavior by saying conflict is good.
Good advice – as always.
My whole life I have “rescued” and over the last two years, I have been working on coaching with questions to address conflict. I have found this to be so much more beneficial to the person questioning (coaching through the conflict) and the people around the table. Your article just reinforces what I have been reading a lot about lately. Thanks!!
Dr. Regeir’s definition “Conflict is the energy created by the gap between what we want and what we are experiencing at any point in time.” I once believed some of the myths, but conflict (as defined here) is inevitable. How to channel the “energy created by the gap” in healthy ways is something I want to keep learning! Thank you for this post.
Very helpful post. I am eager to read the book. Many things have contributed a more healthy view of conflict for me. One of those is Patrick Lencioni’s “Five Dysfunctions of a Team” in which he says that lack of trust contributes to lack of creative conflict which leads to other challenges. Creative conflict is essential to good decisions that are broadly owned and that lead to accountability and action. This post reinforces some of those same ideas.
Avoid the urge to immediately respond -this provides the breathing space to avoid escalating the situation.
The webinar I am listening to, Conflict Without Causalities, is so timely. I will use these ideas with a group of supervisors attending the Five Behaviors of a Cohesive Team (Lencioni) which emphasizes mastering constructive conflict to produce better business results. Your book add the concept of ‘with compassion
CONFLICT has always been challenging from the time I was a little girl taught to “be nice.” This continues to be a place for me to grow even now that I’m in my 60’s. Thanks for new ways to look at and approach this.
I always have trouble with conflict – whether as a manager or a co-worker. I do not understand the drama and the angst! Thank you for this post…I now have a clearer view of how to handle the inevitable!
Without conflict it’s very difficult to make changes. I think a leader can initiate healthy conflict to foster change.
Creative solutions in conflict begin w allowing listening. Listening for understanding. Empowering everyone to feel heard respected and understood In conflicts over animals from divorce to activism being able to be creative would be a blessing. Lets not get stuck in being right rather lets solve for an outcome we can’t even see wo creative discussion.
I silently ask my self WAIT, Why am I talking instead of listening
For most of us, we don’t derive the full benefit from conflict because we make it personal. Either we take it personally and / or we convey its personal to the other person. Once we can be truly free of “the personal” in conflict, we can gain enormous benefits.
I always learn from Dan’s articles and his guests’ posts as in today’s. If I may, i would submit the following considerations about conflict.
In all conflicts:
1. Work hard at seeing the other side.
2. If possible, give each other a time frame to consider what others have said, especially if high emotions are involved.
3. Consider what is at stake, if one walks away from the conflict with no resolution.
4. Realize, in rare occasions, walking away from the conflict may be the best option ( when values clash).
Great post, Dan. I 100% agree, and I’ve found that the most productive teams I’ve been involved with produce a lot of what might look like conflict, but actually is a tremendously productive clash of ideas.
If you team isn’t generating “conflict” it might be because either they don’t feel safe to engage in honest discussion, or the team lacks diversity of perspective.
The 3 suggestions are just what I needed to pay attention to. The timing is perfect for me.
Conflict can be complicated and uncomfortable for many. Interesting topic!
Conflict motivates growth in the same way that tension and release motivates music. Unity is not absence of conflict, but conflict with purpose.
I love that “conflict” is not the “problem.” Easing conflict does not necessarily achieve goals. Masterfully navigating conflict can result in a masterpiece of performance.
Keeping the peace is so overrated. I used to be conflict adverse – now I don’t create it intentionally – but voice my needs and clarify with compassion. Love the reference to not rescuing. That does neither party any good.
Boy, did this route out a bunch of myths I was believing. I’m glad for the definitions and constructive ideas to deal with conflict in a healthy manner.
I see transparency as a large area of opportunity in management in general. People like to know the reason why behind decisions and usually can see the value once explained. We sometime forget how we felt as kids when the parent said “because I said so.” Leadership sometimes needs a reminder to be transparent and not the “parent.”
Thanks for this post! This is golden advice. It confirmed some of my inner wisdom and added and clarified a lot! I wonder what you do in a conflict with someone who isn’t used to solving it?
Establish some groundrules. One good one is no personal attacks. The rules would depend on the situation and the parties involved.
Timely post, thank you. I am dealing with a situation right now that I need to address and you post really helped. I would love a copy of the book. Thanks
Would love to learn more about conflict resolution. Great blog!
For me, conflict is something that cannot be swept under the rug or overlooked for two primary reasons:
1.) If I choose to overlook it, it shows my team that I value myself more than them.
• Example: If I have a student who is being disruptive during group time, leaders tell me about it, and I do nothing – it can lead to frustration from my team.
2.) On the other side of a difficult conversation can be an outcome better than ever thought possible.
Here in Cape Town, South Africa, Quakers were very successful in confronting apartheid by retaining the belief that every person deserves respect, however contrary their beliefs and actions may be. As important as it may be be be clear on one’s non-negotiables, one should also be prepared to accept that one may be wrong and so creat new understandings and new actions for oneself. Thanks for your ideas!
I’m always afraid of conflict, be it minor or major. I create scenarios in my head that make it worse for me. However, when I finally confront the issue I am able to manage even, with my stomach in knots. I think one of the biggest causes of conflict is when people are reacting through emotion and haven’t been able to get to their intellectual thinking phase. I am the type of person who does not work well with people who are in their emotional state.
Conflicts happens , everywhere and every time ,specially if you have a diverse team from different departments.
I tend to try and avoid conflict. this brings a different perspective as to how to deal with conflict. I look forward to reading more of what Dr. Regier has to share about it.
Conflict is daily battle for me and my team and the response to it always seems negative. I like the idea of turning that into a positive and look forward to reading more about doing so.
It is within dynamic tension (conflict) where the most productive growth occurs. It is outside of one’s comfort zone where the greatest personal growth is possible.
I enjoyed this post. we can all benefit from this guidance at many levels of our lives.
Thanks for the reminder that I can honor my principles and work to maintain them even in conflict. Effective and open communication without getting defensive is the key.
Dr. Reiger’s approach takes me back to my earliest days as one who supports people to use conflict as part of positive change – a piece I read long ago in the Tao of Negotiation: at the heart of all conflict is a person or persons who do not feel seen, heard, or loved. It seems to me that the points Reiger makes re how to use conflict in creative ways all support one to feel “seen, heard and loved, perhaps truly cared for….and his “don’t” work against such an environment. Thanks for the share.
This is so true. We have to let go of being right and not be afraid to talk to each other. Thank you for your work. I will keep In touch
What a great post that exposes the myths of conflict, particularly for those of us brought up learning to “turn the other cheek.” Fear of conflict is one of the “five dysfunction of a team” and could arguably be a key contributor to the other four: absence of trust, lack of commitment, avoidance of accountability, and inattention to results.
The author’s advice to be open, be a resource, and know your non-negotiables is excellent. I would add that being open by sharing feelings and motives should focus on the one being transparent — not others. Expressing how circumstances make me feel leads to transparency as long as I take accountability for my feelings and not blame them on someone else. Otherwise, conflicts that tend to be emotionally-charged can escalate out of control.
Excellent comment and I really like the connection to the Five Dysfunctions. Bravo
Peace is the absence of conflict. Interesting.
It can be very difficult to try and address or deal with conflict without soliciting advice. I do struggle with that. Great suggestions here!
For me-being a resource and not rescuing really resonated. Last week a colleague took me aside after a particularly conflict heavy meeting and reminded me that sometimes, people want to vent or share their frustration. At times my well meaning redirections can actually do more harm then good. I will continue to work at trying to implement some of the ideas posted here. Letting go of the idea of being right is challenging and needed to operate in awkward but creative space brought by conflict.
Great stuff! Thanks for continuing to share!
I agree that it’s often not conflict itself that is the issue, but how we respond to it.
My husband and I always joke about our fondness for conflict. Conflicts are are enjoyable, but they’re a great way to learn more about each other and strengthen our relationship. We’ll be married for 17 year this October, so I’d say conflict is definitely not all that bad if you know how to use it. 🙂