When Feedback Makes You Mad
You just received feedback that made you mad.
You feel attacked, misjudged, and underappreciated. The person who gave you feedback is obviously an idiot.
You begin typing your resignation email. Before you hit send…
5D’s when feedback makes you mad:
#1. Delay.
When you feel attacked, adrenaline rushes in to save the day. Adrenaline offers three options: fight, flight, or freeze.
Adrenaline makes you stupid. Blood rushes from your brain and organs to your muscles. Give yourself thirty minutes to become human again.
#2. Doubt your initial reaction.
Inaccurate assumptions and definitions dominate initial reactions.
#3. Don’t criticize the giver or the method.
You can always find fault, especially when you’re mad. Finding fault when receiving feedback is destructive to relationships, future feedback, and personal growth.
#4. Define terms.
Your boss told you, “Take the bull by the horns. You’re too passive.” But your boss is like a bull in a china shop. He bullies people and causes havoc. He wants you to be more like him?!?!
Ask questions like:
- When you see me being passive, what do you see me doing?
- If you saw me taking the bull by the horns, what would you see me doing?
- What would it feel like to you if I took the bull by the horns?
You can solve any issue if you define it with behaviors. But you can’t solve something vague like, “You’re too passive.”
#5. Dig deep.
Useful feedback often addresses blindspots. You just don’t see it. Dig in with one question, “What might be right about this feedback?”
Ask colleagues, “What might be right about this feedback?” Surprisingly, you may find a tiny grain of truth.
After the 5D’s, return to the giver. Explain what you’ll do with their feedback, if anything.
What are some useful responses when feedback makes you mad?
Resource: Responding to Feedback You Disagree With (HBR)
Assume positive intent. Think–the person is trying to help me even though his/her message is painful.
Thanks Paul. Yes! Sometimes with assign negative intentions to the bearer of bad news. That’s a real distraction. Stay on message.
Dan–I also like your #4. Defining terms is so important. Precise communications is critical.
Yes, we can get upset about something that isn’t even true. Sometimes that ends in embarrassment.
Concise, precise and accurate … like the care and calm of a sniper … hit what you are aiming at, and nothing else.
Sniper is a little scary, but I get the point. 🙂
Well, “sniper” in the sense of calm & focus in the midst of chaos … as you say taking the emotion & adrenaline out of the decision-making/word choices … does “marksman” work any better for you?
Great outline for the SelfTalk required when provoked or surprised by someone asking you to change your behavior … at the root of it is the necessity of genuinely honest introspection, “How am I contributing to this issue/mess?” Know thyself before anything else.
Now try having this discussion with an adrenaline junkie/multi-tasker who got to where they are mostly by that means … true introspection is not one of their strong suits – patience and many iterations/”failures to communicate” are a foregone given.
Thanks Rubane. You nailed it. The ability to engage in introspection is core. Can we set aside the emotion and reflect? Or, do we use emotion to justify and blame?
… always remember … as I was told by a sage Commander of a nuclear sub … “It’s at least 15% your fault for just being there.”
I would say give yourself AT LEAST 30 minutes to become human (regain logic, perspective, calm).
Calmly say for example, “thank you for your feedback, interesting, I will give it some thought and come back to you, we can discuss later” and DO go back, DO discuss.
Any form of “mad” conversation if you can indeed call it conversation, is nothing but destructive, rather than possibly being very constructive, if spoken calmly.
It’s not only feedback that a 30 minute delay should be applied to, NEVER respond to ANY email in haste. Think – prepare – leave in draft – read – send.
Thanks Thinker, Love the third paragraph. “Any form of “mad” conversation if you can indeed call it conversation, is nothing but destructive…” When the heat goes up it’s time to shut up and cool down.
As with anything “heated”.
In the organization I work for we have a saying, “Trust is given, mistrust is earned.” That is counterintuitive to society today. However what this does is allows you to extend grace to whomever is giving the feedback.
Also, understand that the person giving the feedback is human. That means they aren’t perfect. Done correctly and with good intentions, this could be an opportunity to help the person who initially gave feedback to become better at giving feedback. Perhaps they were too harsh or too vague, a growth opportunity resides in that. If it is a good leader, they will appreciate you taking the feedback they gave, applying it (if it is good), and allowing them the opportunity to grow as well.
Powerful thoughts Dan. Depending on the source of the feedback, it can be particularly difficult to “receive” it. Valuable input can be given from many different sources and we can easily throw away a golden nugget if we dismiss feedback/input because we do not like or respect the source. It takes humility to receive feedback from those type of sources.
Thanks, Dan! I appreciate the steps to take a deep breath and get the most from the feedback. I would add that I’ve found that anytime feedback makes me mad it’s a mirror to my behavior at some level. 🙂
Take deep breath and think first!
Don’t let anger drive your response!
Read the email repeatedly until it sinks in “what the message truly is”, you may have misinterpreted the content intent.
Perhaps take the email with your response and discuss one on one.
Maintain your composure during your discussion.
Like the #4. This would make the true difference to the conversation…Thanks!
Nice points. Sometimes others can diagnose passivity, when you are just naturally cautious and weighing up all the factors. Like risk assessors. Whilst hot headed people that thrive on adrenaline can look a bit silly to them. Maybe its good to try and strike a balance, a happy medium. Asking direct questions without seeming threatening, is a good way to clarify what someone really means, or say, “Can I get back to you on that when I’ve had a think about it”.
As part of the “Delay” step, I find it helpful (for me), to categorise feedback into one of four categories: “Known Areas for Growth”, “Known Strengths”, “Blind Spots”, and “Hidden Lights” (positive blind spots). The process creates delay and also helps my brain move from an emotional to factual frame-of-mind.