How to be Tough When You Prefer Being Kind
Stress increases when leaders can’t bring kind and tough together.
Kind without tough makes you a pushover.
Tough without kind makes you a jerk.
Accountability is candy to some leaders. It’s easy for them to say, “No.” They have no problem holding people’s feet to the fire. But you aren’t one of them.
Extremes:
Some leaders choose kindness and neglect toughness. They bring coffee for the staff. They exchange pleasantries and tell jokes. They’re always affirming. But they avoid tough situations. They can’t say, “No.”
Some leaders choose toughness and neglect kindness. They avoid social pleasantries. They stand aloof because it’s easy, safe, and less confusing.
Lead with kindness:
Let kindness be your first step toward people. Don’t begin with toughness. Be pleasant, upbeat, curious, and affirming. But what if some take advantage of kindness?
They ask for special exemptions. Worse yet, they grant themselves special privileges.
What if the tough side of leadership is hard for you?
How to say no when you prefer saying yes:
You don’t have to choose between kind or tough. Don’t be Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
When it’s time to be tough, do it with kindness.
Declare your intentions and say no with kindness.
- I want to say yes, but this time I have to say no.
- I work to be fair with everyone. I’d love to make an exception, but I can’t.
- I wish I could say say yes, but I have to say no.
- It’s hard for me to say no, but this time I have to.
Elevate your leadership by bringing kindness and toughness together.
How might leaders bring kindness and toughness together?
I have trouble with the kindness part. Thank you for giving me some ideas for how I can add kindness to my conversations.
Thanks Eddie. Some leaders would love to have your trouble. 🙂 I believe the ability to navigate kindness and toughness is the epitome of character.
I have trouble with the toughness part. I look at multiple scenarios that lead to ways that I can say “yes” before I say “no.” I can be tough when I need to be, but that isn’t my nature.
Thanks for jumping in Lisa. The trick is choosing when you need to be. Sometimes kindness waits too long. It’s a challenge.
Today’s blog reminds me of one of the leadership lessons I learned at the AF Academy: “You can be fair without being easy, and you can be firm without being an ass.” I think the right blend of kindness and toughness is really demonstrating respect and loyalty to both the individual and the team.
Thanks Paul. Yes! I think respecting someone’s talent and skill includes expecting them to live up to their abilities. Don’t let people drift. That’s real respect and loyalty.
Still, it’s easy to mistake fear for kindness. We’re afraid to challenge people so we choose something that looks like kindness. In the end it’s cruel.
I like being kind when people fail responsibly. They give it their best but fall short. It’s the lack of effort that’s disrespectful of self and the team.
No, I will not follow the advice this time! (just practicing). Thanks as always for the great insights, there is definitely a balance between kind and tough; building relationship and delivering results; giving support and challenging, etc.
Thanks Rick. There’s a lot to be said for practice! 🙂 There’s something freeing about adding “this time,” when we say, “No.”
Thanks for your advice. I appreciate your candor and openness. This time I’m choosing another option.
If the person is very sensitive, you might say, “I want you to feel my respect, even though I’m going a different direction.”
If you’re concerned that they might pull back if you don’t listen to their advice, “I sure hope you don’t stop offering your suggestions, I’ve chosen a different path forward this time. Thanks. I want to keep learning from the people around me. That includes you.”
I need to stop typing now!! … you got me practicing! 🙂
Dan, as one who struggles at times with being “tough” I appreciate this post. I add one observation. Many years ago, reading Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott, I came to appreciate how the word “but” generally negates what has gone before, while the word “and” implies that two things are true and you are choosing one of the courses and not the other. I think that using “and” instead of “but” in all of your examples of how to declare your intentions with kindness does not weaken the impact; and makes it more likely that the intention and the kindness behind it will both be heard.
Thanks Kenneth. I actually debated about what sounded better. I’m glad you chimed in.
My first instinct is “and”. However, this morning, something felt good about “but”. Thanks again.
Great advice from Dan and everyone! Years ago I worked for a company owner who lacked any kindness of heart (ask me about the time she threw her jewelry at me!). I’ve also worked for bosses who could say no with diplomacy and still encourage us to try new methods and even make mistakes. I agree that the word “and” can still sound inclusive while saying “No.”
Thanks writeswell. Did you keep the jewelry? 🙂
Glad you chimed in on ‘and’ or ‘but’. Much appreciated!
Loved the 4 ways to say no and still be kind. I think having some actual words gives a “can do” feeling to this post. We know that by making this effort to be kind, but firm, we build relationships instead of walls. I think I probably need to post this list everywhere I go to avoid saying yes when I need to say no so I don’t over schedule myself too. 🙂
“Declare your intentions and say no with kindness.” – these 4 are great. I would suggest going a little further by explaining why “no”, “I can’t” is being said in a specific instance. It may bring kindness back, nearer to toughness.
As with most things, trying to find the correct equilibrium is the “tough”.
If we answer with a clear conscience and add a little clarity as to why we responded the way we did, the situations are not as tough.
Sometimes reality dictates when we have no control.
Well Said. Its obvious that the kindness with out toughness are taken for ride often. It needs a fine blend of these two to be a stronger & sustainable leader
Sometimes toughness is OK on it’s own, especially if statements such as “I wish I could say say yes, but I have to say no.” Do not resonate in the circumstances.
The declarative intent statements are helpful. Thank you.
Carla
As a school leader I have been working to cultivate a persona that equates to a velvet glove and an iron fist. The job of principal is direction, protection, and order. All the rest is just noise.