7 Ways to Say, “No,” When It’s Easier to Say, “Yes”
Tough and mean are two different things. Mean is uncaring.
You don’t have to choose between a caring heart and tough decision.
7 Ways to say, “No.”
#1. Declare good intentions.
- “I’d love to be helpful, …”
- “I wish I could, …”
- “I would like to say yes, …”
- “I want what’s best, …”
#2. Don’t lie.
Don’t express a desire to be helpful if you don’t feel it.
Hypocrisy is obvious.
#3. Declare a time-frame.
- “I’d love to be helpful. This time I can’t.”
- “I wish I could say, “Yes.” This time I have to say, ‘No’.”
#4. Prepare:
Lay the groundwork for, “No,” before you need to say it.
“I’m excited to have our one-on-ones. I want to bring up an important topic. I love saying, ‘Yes.’ There’s going to come a time when I have to say, ‘No.’ When the time comes, how would you like me to do it?”
People might say that they want you to be direct or hear them out. Others might say that they’d like you to explain the reason.
Go back to your discussion when the time comes. “Remember when we talked about me saying, ‘No.’ This is it.”
Preparation lowers stress.
#5. Soften – don’t harden:
Say, “No,” with gentleness.
Inexperienced leaders might believe that tough is being hardhearted – that you have to say, “No,” with aggression. Perhaps fear makes us choose a rough exterior.
Say, “No,” for helpful reasons. Keep that in mind.
#6. Put your foot down:
Some might interpret gentleness as weakness. Be prepared to be direct.
The choice between gentle and firm is unnecessary.
When a team member tries to change your mind, but there’s no change coming, be direct. But lead with gentleness, even when being firm.
#7. Rehearse:
Develop comfort with saying, “No,” by practicing with a coach or mentor.
How might those who struggle to say, “No,” learn how to say it?
Added resource: How to Say No Assertively to a Request for Your Time
My top priorities are requiring all of my time and attention.
So unfortunately, I have to say “no” this time!
Maybe you could try…..
Thanks Paul. Great suggestions. I particularly like, “Maybe you could try….”
I think I might say “Other priorities are requiring all of my time and attention right now. …” Rather than my top priorities. When I first read that, I felt a bit insulted. I’m obviously not a top priority. While that may be true, it just sounds a bit off-putting to me. Just a thought… I, too, like the last line.
Melodie,
…good point. thanks. ,
Good list. #4 is especially useful. If you can see it coming it might be easier to manage.
The impact of #1 (Good intentions) is problematic. Most people have at least an intuitive understanding (if they haven’t formally heard it) of what NLP calls “the Rule of But”: that everything before the BUT is BS
Thanks Mitch. Preparation makes things feel more expected. Hearing, “No,” can be a bit of a shock. Laying a foundation normalizes it a bit.
You’re reference to “but” is important. “But” is an eraser. I left that term out of the post. I’m with you. I don’t like saying, “I’d like to help, but…”
Thanks again
I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to consider YES when the answer has been no (“because we’ve always said no”).
Thanks Kate. One suggestion is to recruit a few team members and share the goal. “I’m working to move from “No” to “Yes.”
What are your suggestions.
Please give me feedback.
Don’t hesitate to let me know that you notice.
I appreciate your participation.
How do you use this when saying no to something someone above you wants done?
Thanks Jack. Great question. I’m not sure it applies. Saying no to a person over you depends on the culture and relationship. If no one says no to upper leadership/management, I wouldn’t be the first, unless you are willing to risk.
We should remember that offering different opinions and challenging assumptions is different from saying no to someone.
You might consider a thoughtful approach that begins with understanding the leader’s goals and objectives. Another factor is showing respect. Does the leader feel your respect.
Respect is a foundation for truth-telling. Apart from respect, disagreement feels adversarial.
The other factor is how long has the person been in the organization. New employees are learners.
What else?
Thank you! I should clarify offering different opinions is really what I mean. It appears at times differing opinions can be offered but still do not change the outcome..
#5! I usually feel that I have to harden in order to say no, preemptively putting up defenses I think. I’m going to experiment. Many thanks, Dan! Love your work.
Thanks RG. The spirit of experimentation is essential for growth. Very encouraging.
Great post! One of the fundamental failures of leaders to influence work and deliver results is the inability to put their foot down and say “no”. In my observations, leaders who can’t put their foot down always seem to have the most chaotic and unproductive cultures.
I’ve had to develop #5 over the years since my hasty responses to act are interpreted as blunt or rude.
Thanks Wise. If you can’t say no, you’re overwhelmed, in effective, and chaotic.
But we can do it with courtesy and gentleness. Congratulations for working through this.
Practicing saying no — Fabulous idea. If we’re uncomfortable with that, something caused that discomfort. It’s important that we understand why if we want to become more assertive and comfortable with our decisions.
I am new to your blog and it’s fantastic. You really foster introspection and wellness.