7 Ways to Receive Feedback You Don’t Like
Short-sighted people plug their ears when they hear feedback they don’t like. These people receive praise and reject messages that suggest they aren’t perfect.
Feedback you don’t like is likely the most useful.
Effective giving
Take responsibility for the way you give feedback. Perhaps you’re judgmental, for example.
Say what you see. Don’t judge it.
I asked a leader to attend one of my presentations for the sole purpose of giving me feedback on my presentation skills. During coffee he said, “When you think, you look down. I lose contact with you.”
- He said what he saw. “You look down.”
- He didn’t judge. He could have said, “You shouldn’t look down so much.”
- He explained the impact. “I lose contact with you.” What am I going to say to that, “No you don’t!”
Resistance persists
What about the person who persistently resists feedback? You give feedback and …
- They tell a long story.
- They cry.
- They shut down.
- They change the subject.
- They blame others.
- They discount the value. “It just doesn’t matter.”
- They don’t believe it.
Effective receiving: 7 ways to receive feedback you don’t like
When people don’t receive feedback well, stop giving feedback. Teach them how to receive feedback.
- Feedback is a gift when it comes from someone who is committed to your success.
- Don’t wait to receive feedback. Seek it.
- The feedback you don’t like is likely the most useful.
- Say, “Thank you,” whenever you receive any form of feedback. The giver is trying to be helpful. Honor them.
- Assume it’s valid, even if it feels wrong.
- Ask, “Why do you think this feedback is useful or important?”
- Ask, “What suggestions do you have for me?” Even if you don’t want suggestions, ask for them.
How might people receive feedback they don’t like?
This is very informative. I don’t think anyone likes to receive feedback, however, I am of the mind that you don’t grow without that feedback which brings about change. We are always growing and evolving when we take the feedback as constructive.
Thanks Crystal. I think we all want to know where we stand. But we have to train ourselves to be open to tough feedback. Growth begins with feedback.
Thanks for the post Dan. I think it is very important to know the individual you are giving feedback too and how they are most likely to react. A good leader will adjust their approach to fit with the person sitting across from them.
Very good advice. And I will definitely use it!
But unfortunately, a lot of people don’t know how to give feedback. They think insulting someone, making them lose confidence, blaming them is feedback too.
That’s when it gets hard to receive feedback.
Hi Dan and all,
How timely. I got some feedback. The timing wasn’t great. I’d like to add that it’s easier to really receive feedback from the right perspective. A little removed in time, distance, emotional attachment or the activity you’re working on. I’m not saying being dispassionate is the only way to give or receive feedback, but at least the receiver has to be able to disengage from their first-person narrative drive enough to look from the outside in and gain the other’s perspective. Cheers
How might people receive feedback they don’t like?
Always assume “positive intent.” Consider—–the person giving me feedback is trying to help me. Maybe I can gain some new insights that will help me be more effective.
We are always learning and there is always room for improvement. Ignoring feedback is like cutting off your left foot. The people who I see not listening (and using) feedback will never grow as a leader.
Great points Dan! Agreed. Receiving feedback can be difficult at times because we may believe that the person providing the feedback doesn’t understand the full context of an issue or all the variables as intimately as we do. This may be true but Its important not to discount or appear dismissive of the feedback. Perceptions are reality for people. We have to accept the reality of their perceptions whether we believe they are well founded or not. This feedback as an additional data point is VERY important to consider as we make decisions about what to do next if we want as successful an outcome as possible. Thanks again.
Great post Dan! For me, you just added a whole new dimension to the conversation and shifted my thinking a bit. Thanks for that!
You describe a person who “persistently resists” as “crying” and/or “shutting down.” I don’t think of myself resisting negative feedback, but I do cry and sometimes shut down when I hear it. That’s because when my boss gives me feedback, I also think of her as my friend, so that makes it hard AND I really try my hardest and to hear that’s not good enough really hurts. Additionally, I shut down because I need time to process my feelings and the feedback. So crying and shutting down isn’t always resistance.
Thanks Dan,
This post is so timely for me. I’ve been involved in an inverted (bottom up) situation for nearly three years resulting from actions in which a superior believed false information but will not take responsibility for the wrongs he committed as a result. I was one of those who exposed the problem but now I’ve taken the fall. It would almost seem worth it if I had any confidence that the leader had learned from this situation but I have no confidence that he has gone beyond his power/ego issue. This issue reminds me how I should respond to correction (which will come). So, thanks again.
Great post Dan! This is hard for all of us to receive, but you are so right you will never really grow without actionable feedback. I like to start the conversation with someone I’m giving feedback to with this. “The feedback I’m giving to you today is for your benefit and to help you grow. Please receive it with that in mind.” that has really worked well for me. People can tell if your being sincere or not. I have had former employees say to me, ” You are the only leader that gave me honest feedback that was helpful.” Your people really do want feedback, if you do it with the correct spirit to help them grow.
All the Best! Jerry
Hi Dan
How are things with you? Thanks for another thought-provoking post. I thought about it, and sometimes I like receiving feedback, sometimes I don’t. I thought about it some more, and came to a couple of conclusions on why there’s the difference. Sometimes that feedback might just be given at the wrong time when I’m unable to take it in – and in this case, I think your advice about thanking the person is apt, plus probably I’d say upfront I appreciate their input but am not in a position to take it in just at the moment… However, I think another aspect which means sometimes I don’t like receiving feedback is the aspect of what you call “taking responsibility for the way you give feedback.” To me, if feedback is given in a judgemental, offensive or inappropriate manner, it takes a great deal of self-control to concentrate to see past the way the message is given. If the same person keeps giving feedback in the same way despite it’s lack of effect, I begin to see a pattern and may conclude that the person is not giving the feedback from a point of wishing to help. Rather, they may really be intending to damage. So, I appreciate your emphasis on the “taking responsibility” for how feedback is given – and we should all be careful ourselves that we think carefully how feedback should be delivered to the particular individual we want to speak to. The way to give feedback to you might be different to how it should be given to me, for example.
This is a very important aspect of team dynamics as well as ‘leadership’ in its widest sense. If a team member gives the leader feedback in an appropriately sensitive way, quite often things can be moved on brilliantly – and ‘Influence’ can come from anyone at any level. Possibly it’s how the feedback is given that makes the difference.
Take care, and i’m looking forward to saying hello again.
Alison
As a lifelong INTP, I also have difficulty thinking and speaking effectively at once (breaking eye contact so I can concentrate, yet often taken as disinterest in my audience – or worse, being perceived as being less than honest) … and (as an INTP nearly pathologically unable to see myself in perspective)
I desperately WANT & NEED feedback … but it makes it no less difficult to squelch the resistance/denial/hurt reaction to “hard” truth …
So … one effective way to take in/humble/delay an involuntary reaction to a less-than-acceptable reflection of myself from someone else is to INTERNALIZE A UNIVERSAL TRUTH that is at once and always applicable to every individual (by way of anecdote):
A good friend and I – teen driver and teen passenger, respectively – were blindsided by an adult who ran a redlight. 3 witnesses testified at the scene to my friend’s lack of blame in wrecking his Dad’s car. His Dad came and picked us up, clearly disbelieving and gratefully relieved that no one had been hurt. Once we were in the car and out of earshot of the police and tow operators, his dad – a Commander of a nuclear sub – turned his greysteel eyes on us and said, “I’m telling you this now because you’re still in too much shock to give me any blowback … and because you will hear me now and think about it later … All other things aside,
This was at least 15% your fault for even being there.”
We were in shock all right – ‘We’re TOTALLY innocent!” – and I never forgot my question –
“What on earth did I contribute to this?”
Clearly unsympathetic, he dad told me, “Precisely. Now you’ve had a potentially catastrophic experience … there will be more; but fewer if you never forget what exactly – and how exactly – this happened.”
Fairness in the criticism – or its unfeeling delivery – was beside the point; he was telling us to be vigilant of potential bad things happening, and of our locus in the sphere of influence. I learned (much later) to always check to make sure approaching traffic was stopping/stopped even if I had the “right” of way.
The point was driven into my very psyche when my good friend’s father died too quickly of leukemia a few years later. I never did tell him I’d finally gotten it,
” … part my fault for even experiencing this … what did I contribute? Pay attention for now …”
Nice article. Honest feedback can be a huge issue, because without that you don’t know where you stand. But also, its important for the person receiving feedback to respect the expertise and more importantly, the intention, of the person providing it. So there are ways and ways of saying things. Years of hairdressing helped me with this, particularly with styling and client consultation. You focus on maximising and reinforcing the assetts they do have, explain why a particular style won’t work for them, and also make suggestions of what would work better for them. But the key ingredient is properly listening to them first. And then use lots of tact and positive energy in your tone of voice when suggesting alternatives. Just another view.
Thank you especially for point #6. It invites further comment from a well-intentioned person who might be struggling to give the feedback, and it gives drive-by critics some subtle feedback in the process. And thank you for the reminder to suck it up, listen, and take it to heart. I know this, and it still stings.
Dan –
Really love this topic, as it determines how successful your team can be.
In my experience, achievers crave feedback and want to improve… and the mediocre performers often are complacent and defensive. Feedback, when it is delivered by someone who is truly informed, is powerful because it clarifies the gap between where you are and where you could be…
Without that sense of dissonance, and a sincere desire to close the gap, we do not improve.