At Least 85%* are Not Self-Aware
Reject the thought that you’re self-aware. Odds are you don’t see yourself and you don’t see yourself as others see you either.
Dangers of self-blindness:
If you don’t see yourself, you can’t understand your impact on others.
- You think you’re nice, but you’re actually a bully.
- You struggle to understand another’s perspective.
- Everything is a competition.
- You unintentionally put people on the defensive.
- You aren’t the problem, others are.
- People seem to have over-the-top reactions to things you say.
- You struggle to enjoy achievements and honor the achievements of others.
How to develop self-awareness. Ask “what” not “why”.
What not why:
I’ve never been a fan of asking “why” questions. I think they’re dangerous. Yes, they’re important when it comes to purpose and root causes. But when it comes to self-awareness, they’re a roadblock.
Self-awareness doesn’t increase when you think about yourself and ask why. It increases when you focus on what to do.
“What” questions expedite growth. “Why” questions create black holes.
Recent research indicates that asking “why” questions are discouraging, distracting, and defeat the goal of growth. (HBR) *registration required.
A question like, “Why can’t I succeed with this team?” might feel like healthy self-reflection. But it’s depressing.
A better question is, “What might I do to move this team in the right direction?”
“Why” questions tend to turn your attention towards fear, shortcoming, or insecurities. Here’s an example from the HBR article.
“Instead of asking ‘Why did you say this about me?,’ Robin inquired, ‘What are the steps I need to take in the future to do a better job?’” (This is Robin’s response after receiving negative feedback from her team.)
3 ways to develop self-awareness:
- Seek and explore feedback.
- Practice taking the perspective of others.
- Listen and reflect. Don’t interrupt.
What happens when leaders aren’t self-aware?
How might leaders develop self-awareness?
*HBR, “What Self-Awareness Really Is (and How to Cultivate It),” Tasha Eurich
What happens when leaders aren’t self-aware? They live and work a life behind a mask, they need to be open to what the truth is, good or bad. We need to be prepared to have tough skin in some instances. Learn to be humble and kind!
How might leaders develop self-awareness? Pay attention to others expressions when speaking or listening, often time facial expressions can paint a good or bad picture how people perceive oneself. Share you thoughts with others and see the response “I think I upset Bob today”, what did I do wrong? gee I have donethat before maybe I need to present in a more positive sense.
Thanks Tim. The thing that comes to mind is the lack of defensiveness and excuse-making in your comment. If we plan to improve, we have to swallow hard and take our medicine without excuse. It’s tough.
“What did I do wrong?” seems like a beginning. “How might I do better next time?” turns us toward the future.
As always, thanks for your insights.
Dan,
Don’t need excuses we need results! Some people spend more time getting out of work making excuses, instead of just doing! it’s raining today we can’t do that, reallyput your rain coat on? 🙂
What are other questions we might ask our team in order to create our self-awareness? Thanks for the article.
Hi Patrick. Great question. Feedback techniques are relevant. You might check out this article: http://bit.ly/2jtvHzE.
In the right hand navigation pane on this page you’ll see a search window. Try typing in feedback.
Best to you.
Great piece. The “Why” inquiry is a barrier builder to defensive thoughts and behaviors, as you indicate. The “What can I . . .” phrase is more constructive and encourages building upon any situation. Good stuff.
Thanks Gregory. Your language is super. Love “barrier builder.”
Glad you jumped in. Cheers
Hard data can help us become more self aware.
For example, in your next meeting have someone count the number of questions you ask versus the number of comments you make. Or the number of times you offer praise versus criticize.
You get the idea–collect data. The facts may make you realize you are not operating as you think.
Thanks Paul. That’s just TOO practical. 🙂 … I’d rather sit under a tree and contemplate the meaning of my naval.
(I should say that self-reflection is important. It’s how we do that matters.)
Cheers
Great idea, I like that, I’m going to give it a try in my staff meeting next week!
Devin,
Please let me know how things work out after your staff meeting.
Thanks,
Paul B. Thornton
PThornton@stcc.edu
Loved this article, it really resonated with me. Self reflection and Value application can result in positive outcomes assuming the ‘ego’ is left at the door. The ‘what’ instead of the ‘why’ powerful! Thank you for the share.
Thanks Janet. Yes, ego is a part of the mix for sure. It blinds us our weaknesses and encourages us to be hyper-vigilant toward other’s weaknesses.
Thanks for jumping in.
Oh boy, you are talking to me. I’m definitely a justifier asking all those why questions. It’s puts more/to much of the focus on the other person when really I should just be focused on my impact and behavior. Thanks for the lesson Dan.
Respect to you for your transparency!! It’s a pleasure to be on the journey with you.
Thought provoking. Must admit, I always wondered ‘why’ my parents put that ‘y’ right smack in the centre of my name. The alternative of course would have been an ego reflecting ‘i’, but in a very large family ego was not a thing to be encouraged, in group dynamics you have to consider everyone.. ‘What can I’ sounds good, but ‘How can We’ sounds more inclusive, and more reminiscent of a partnership on an equal footing. Maybe I am not really leadership material at all, but do enjoy reading your thoughts, and the responses. Thanks.
Thanks Robynne with a “Y”. Your insights are important when the issue concerns “we”. I’m not a fan of saying “we” when you really mean “you”.
“How can we?” is definitely more useful than, “Why did we?” The former looks to the future, the later looks to the past.
Fab insight, Dan, and much appreciated.
I love asking ‘Why?’ when things needed to be rooted out, but have no life space for constantly sitting on analysis, preferring to get the info, deal with the situation, move on. Otherwise, like rocking … we’re going nowhere. Making excuses and justifying oneself or one’s actions all the time is wasteful, and often indicates delay tactics … sometimes these are employed by leaders who have a vested interest in controlling a situation – not a good idea, ultimately.
It is difficult to hear feedback when it is ‘negative’ but, if we are open and keen to improve and to grow, to become better versions of ourselves, the feedback is invaluable. When we hear the answers to ‘what’ (or ‘why’), we are empowered to do something about it and to move to the next level of learning, whatever our situation at the time …. in life, in business, in leadership, in managing a range of things.
Being transparent, where appropriate, definitely cuts out a lot of time wasting, so I’m all for that. We need to have courage to lead, and that means taking the waves and the praise, each of which is designed to grow us – and our results. The tough questions are those that put us into the spotlight, and we can reduce their potential sting by taking ownership of our own behaviour, developing our mental awareness, before we start pointing at others … contemplating our own navels, before we launch ahead.
Blessings.
Holly
http://www.thehollytreetales.com
Marshal Rosenburg began one of his many old talks about NVC by stating, “Why? is a violent question.” The statement jolted me.