3 Rules for “Not Helping” Like a Leader
Under-helpful leaders seem distant and uncaring.
Over-helpful leaders encourage irresponsibility and low engagement.
3 rules for “not helping” like a leader:
#1. Don’t fix the mistakes of capable team members.
The operative word is capable. Everyone screws up, unless they always color within in the lines.
If you assigned responsibility that was beyond capability, shame on you. Fix it and move on. If they’re capable, expect them to fix it.
3 exceptions to rule #1:
Don’t be a cold-hearted assassin. Sometimes capable people need help.
- It’s cruel to watch good people flounder and drown. Offer help when capable people are pressed beyond capacity. If they can’t meet daily expectations and fix a mistake, lend a hand.
- Assign others to help fix someone’s mistake when it develops skills or builds camaraderie.
- Help capable people when their spirits are low. Everyone needs encouragement from time to time. When shoulders droop and heads hang, grab an oar.
#2. Don’t offer solutions when others haven’t offered any.
Quick solutions from you invite helplessness and dependency in others. One reason you’re sick of people coming to you with questions and problems is you offer too many answers.
Sip coffee with “I don’t know”. The sentence, “I don’t know,” is opportunity for someone to figure it out.
Confusion invites exploration and expands thinking in capable people.
When tempted to offer quick solutions, ask:
- What do you think?
- What have you already tried?
- What might work?
- Who might know?
“Go figure it out,” is better than, “This is how you do it,” when team members are capable.
#3. Don’t do someone’s job for them.
Ask, “Whose job is this?” before stepping in.
You’d be surprised how many leaders are doing someone’s work for them.
You limit potential and constrain the future when you do someone’s job for them.
How might leaders “not help” in leaderly ways?
Dear Dan, It’s Fantastic!
I just experienced rule 2 & 3 for my new assignment and believe me, I found myself as a new person with enhanced capabilities.
I must thank my mentor and leader who helped me by applying rules for “not helping” like a leader.
It really worked for me and I am sure ti will work for other. Thank for the wonderful insight.!
Thanks Piyush. It’s great to read a raving endorsement. It feels like the future is bright. Best wishes
In rule 1, under the headline of “3 Rules”, it is a bit confusing. Did you mean to say if they MAKE a mistake?
Thanks John. Yes, I mean, if/when they make mistakes. I appreciate the feedback.
Dan: This is another great one! like so many of your daily articles this one hits home. I do my best to practice these rules of management: 1. Don’t lie. 2. Don’t Undermine. and 3. Don’t micro-manage. Follow these rules of a manager and you will have a happy and productive staff.
Keep them coming.
Thanks,
Rich
Thanks Rich. You offer three great rules of management. #3 is one of the toughest when you love being involved and desire to offer help.
An important part of a leaders job is to coach people on how to be more effective and efficient. However, there is an important difference between too little and too much coaching.
Too much coaching can feel like micro-managing. It can frustrate initiative. The person may not take the actions and work through the struggles to learn.
On the other hand, too little coaching and guidance can cause failure. Sometimes failure can be the best thing, life lessons often come out of failure. Other times it can be catastrophic – in the case of accident, injury, or other severe loss.
Another important aspect of coaching is timing. Is it the right time to coach? Is the person open to your feedback and suggestions?
You need to stop and think—am I providing too much and too little coaching in this situation.
Thanks Paul. Your suggestions about coaching really apply when people make mistakes. Generally, sooner is better than later. However, when emotions are hot, it’s important to allow time for them to cool. Hot emotion causes us to give too much weight to a failure, for example.
So glad you took this conversation in the direction of coaching.
They key as you stated several times is “capable people.” I see managers do this with people who are good workers and eager, but do not have the experience and after a while, with no support, they get defeated. Departments then lose good people to better managers.
Well said, Patrick. It’s good to watch for nagging frustration, dropping shoulders, and fear of trying new things.
With new/inexperienced people, perhaps erring on the side of helpfulness is appropriate.
Knowing how people respond to challenge is another factor.
Dan,
I see the challenge as learning when to step up and knowing when to stand back, “Paul” mentions, we need to stop and think, per situation the basis of what is really needed? Sooner or later your skillset develops to recognize when and what to do.
Thanks Tim. As you indicate this is about personal skill and learning to understand people. Experience, if we reflect on it, is a great teacher.
Dan – your post (better) illustrates a point I often make with our leadership team about ruinous empathy. Even as a naturally helpful person, I recognize I’m not doing my employee any good when I don’t help him grow. Doing his job also means that I’m probably not focusing enough on my own.
It’s helpful to envision someone literally handing you their problem when they come to you with a problem or complaint, sans solution. You can’t help someone who doesn’t have a problem. Maybe start with coaching them through it, but don’t own the issue yourself if it’s not yours.
With extreme over-helping, you risk congealing your talent pool into a group of people waiting for you to fix things or tell them exactly what to do – their true capabilities are lost to themselves and indistinguishable from anyone else in the group.
Thanks Lesley. Your use of ruinous empathy is powerful! The first time I saw that expression was reading Kim Scott’s book, Radical Candor.
Envisioning someone handing you a problem feels like a powerful practice. You take my mind to “Whose got the monkey.”
Thanks again for your insights and observations.
Yep, two useful ideas I’ve collected over the years from exactly those two sources. Stolen with pride!
Thanks Dan for writing it down beautifully.
When we help people sometime it happens that we might be building dependency on ourselves for quick solution. It is better to figure out a way ahead and build leaders around us to make it happen.
Hi Dan, watched you for the first time on Lynda.com two days ago. You are inspiring.
I would like to share my thoughts from my experience.Sometimes managers are hesitant in imparting knowledge for fear that his/her subordinates may improve to a point where their leadership becomes obsolete.
Some of the issues mention above could be attributed to managers who are insecure, lack training and posses poor managerial skills. For this reason,(insecurity) the managers need their employees to rely on them for decision making. Managers also fear rejection.
For example, capable employees may continue asking questions that are never fully answered by a manager who keeps them knowing just enough to protect their managerial position.
However, great leaders and skilful managers are confident, motivational and impart, empower and create leaders of others.
It is plausible that employees are a mirror image or reflection to some degree of their managers. Could it be that managers are creating these unhealthy environments were capable staff become dependent as opposed to independent?