How to Put an End to Complaining
I made it to 7 a.m. before complaining.
This morning I decided that I wouldn’t complain all day. After some thought, I lowered my expectation to the morning. But the first thing I did was complain at a 7 A.M. meeting.
If I’m not careful, I’ll start complaining about my 7 a.m. complaining.
What is complaining:
- Complaining is noticing problems WITHOUT exploring solutions.
- Complaining is whining about something you can’t change.
- Complaining is insecurity’s first response to poor performance.
- Complaining is focusing on bad and ignoring good.
- Complaining is attempting to elevate status. Humble-braggers complain about being too busy. After all, only losers have free time.
3 reasons leaders complain:
- To excuse poor performance. Results disappointed so you need something or someone to blame.
- Sympathy-seeking. You want others to feel sorry for you. Call this Woe Is Me complaining.
- Dissatisfaction. Reaching forward sinks into unhappiness with the past.
Not complaining:
Noticing isn’t complaining. “I notice you were late for work everyday this week,” isn’t complaining.
Pointing out things that are broken, not working, or harmful in pursuit of improvement isn’t complaining.
Leadership includes problem solving. But if you leave out the word “solving”, you’re a whining complainer.
Maya Angelou says, “What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.”
3 ways to stop complaining today:
#1. Make a commitment to not complain about a single thing for one day. If that seems aggressive, stop complaining in the morning. Recommit when you falter.
#2. Confront problems before they become nagging complaints. Delay lets problems grow into worrisome beasts.
#3. Turn temptation into positive behavior. Just think how positive you’d be if you turned every temptation to complain into solution-seeking and gratitude.
Tip: Read Jon Gordon’s, The No Complaining Rule.
Why is complaining so prevalent?
How might leaders put an end to complaining?
Love the Maya Angelou quote. This is a true challenge, particularly as you’ve defined complaining. There doesn’t have to be a whining tone associated with it. Observing and committing to changing the situation is truly powerful and redirects the emotion and thinking of everyone around you to something actionable. Good stuff!
Thanks Susan. I love how Angelou says, “What you’re supposed to do…” It has a sense of moral imperative.
I think leadership when we commit to make something better, not until.
I agree. It’s too easy to sink into complaining mode. I will try this one for size.
Thanks Donna. Best wishes.
Why is complaining so prevalent?
Because every problem can’t be solved or ignored. Because unlike Maya Angelou once she was famous, most people lack the influence to change the situation. Because people can’t always change how they feel about stuff – not everyone can grasp the advantage in discomfort. Because they need that job, too, because money trumps self-actualisation when you’re hungry.
How might leaders put an end to complaining?
The Japanese Navy allegedly had posters that said “The beatings will continue until morale improves”.
Thanks Mitch. For some reason, I thought about Marshall Goldsmith who talks about making a decision if you are going to do something about it, if not, let it go.
why are you accepting a 7 am meeting request? Maybe if you balance work with the sleep you need to function at your best, you will be more grateful?
Thanks Jamal. Love your comment. I’m an early riser. 7 a.m. is good. But, I feel the spirit of your comment.
I love this post Dan. It was very thought provoking for me. I like the Maya Angelou quote, but I especially like the 3rd suggestion about the temptation to complain. That can be applied to any temptation we face in life, not just the temptation to complain.
Thanks Sandi. Yes, you could call it, “Choosing to do otherwise.” When tempted to complain, be grateful. 🙂
Why is complaining so prevalent? Maybe it is far deeper than environment…are we passing “complaining about” rather than “doing something” on to our children. In my household, the first question asked when I arrive home is “how was your day?” And my husband and I would discuss good/bad events of work that day and I am comfortable admitting for both of us, we also complained about something…a co-worker, the idiots in charge, the political persuasion at the time…
So, to turn to the Toltecs, my husband and I domesticated our children to complain, just like we were domesticated by our parents.
How many generations will it take to change? One (1), if we trust the Dali Lama I read somewhere if we teach all 8 year olds to meditate and maintain a regular meditation practice, in one generation the entire world would know peace. Know complaints, No Peace; Know Peace, no complaints.
Thanks Connie. I wonder about the value of having someone in our life that we can complain to? I read that venting doesn’t help. It actually makes things worse, sometimes.
You remind me that leaders Model the Way. If you don’t plan to do something about it, don’t talk about it. Is that too idealistic?
Hi Dan,
I notice you said that “I notice you were late for work everyday this week” isn’t complaining and I think it might be, if you didn’t follow-up with either a suggested solution or, better still, an invitation to discuss what a solution might look like for the individual to see if you need to play a role in their solution. Ah now I also see how adding the solution to the potential “complaint” feels a lot better and has increased my resolve to complain less!!!
John
Thanks John. Great observation. I’m in the habit of making an observation and letting it hang out there to see what people say. But, I see your point. Don’t wait. Lead people toward a solution.
This was convicting, challenging, and inspiring. Thank you. In my leadership research I have found that we are typically wired for negativity. Here’s a good article that captures this: https://goo.gl/u1NgDM. I believe that’s why the news sensationalizes the negative – it sells. Doom-sayers in the market place, faith community, media, political arena, and gossip circles seem to garner a large following. And yet, positive people are so attractive. We sure are a disjointed lot . . . there I go again being negative.