How to Throw Someone In the Deep End of the Pool
Coddling is degrading because it tells people they’re incompetent. Pampering devalues strength.
Over-protection is rejection.
Stretch yourself if you want to grow.
It’s not a stretch assignment if it doesn’t keep you up at night.
Define the deep end:
Ultimately, the person being “pushed in” is “jumping in”.
The person being stretched defines the deep end. You might press them by saying, “I think you can go deeper.”
Anyone who doesn’t jump in on their own isn’t ready for a stretch.
Define success:
What will it look like if the person in the deep end succeeds?
6 questions to define success.
- What will be true if the stretch assignment works?
- How will the person in the deep end measure progress?
- What will be different about the person being stretched?
- What new results indicate success? How will you measure results?
- How will relationships and connections be stronger?
- What new skills will be present and active?
Help:
Over-help defeats growth.
Skillful help means the person in the deep end is on their own AND not on their own at the same time.
- Skillful help is NOT helping just enough.
- Skillful help doesn’t do things FOR people.
- Skillful help does things WITH people.
- Skillful help is support while they splash.
- Skillful help is coaching.
If you want to insult someone’s potential, pull them out of the deep end before they’ve given their best. In the end, if you’re always pulling someone out of the deep end, the stretch assignments are poorly designed.
Help is supporting people while they splash, not protecting them from the water.
Help is throwing a nose plug, not a life preserver.
What concerns you about pushing people in the deep end of the pool?
How might leaders push people in the deep end of the pool?
Dan – love this article! It’s the best I’ve seen on this topic because you hit the nail on the head and told it like it is.
Thanks KolormeHR. Here’s to a great weekend!
One of the best
Sent from my iPhone
>
Thanks Cliff.
Good Morning Dan,
Your article was “just in time” for me and a subordinate that needs to swim in the deep end. See brief email exchange below. Critique/feedback welcome. Thank you for all you do for us!
From: me
To: Tony
Subject: RE: UPS Maintenance Contract – Goals
Hi Tony,
I want to discuss tomorrow [Friday], no time today. Also, I only want the scope to be NS and HAM [as previously stated], you have all the details you need in the spreadsheet I gave you.
Please focus only on NS & HAM; all the UPSs I want covered are in the spreadsheet.
Bill
From: Tony
To: Me
Subject: RE: UPS Maintenance Contract – Goals
Let’s talk about it this afternoon [Thursday] if you like. We need an exact count of UPS’s and Inverters in each facility. Then, It will be straight forward to request for the total amount needed for a 2 year maintenance contract for all five facilities.
Do we need to copy Maria on this?
Thanks,
________________________________________
From: Me
To: Tony
Subject: UPS Maintenance Contract – Goals
Hi Tony,
Let’s talk tomorrow [Friday] about your goals for this project.
Bill
From: Me
To: Tony
Subject: Uninterruptable Power Supply (UPS) Quote for Preventive Maintenance/Parts for NS & HAM UPSs
Tony,
Please review all attached docs and we can discuss your comments/thoughts later this week.
Remi has a city-wide requirements contract we can use for this work. I will send you the Remi contract by separate email.
Remi has promised to save the city money from the mfg. quoted PM/parts price (attached).
After we discuss your comments and thoughts, your goal will be to get the money we need for FY18 approved from Jose and place the requisition through Hope to get this work scheduled; then you can manage the contractor/invoices/payments etc. I will help you.
Thanks,
Bill
Thanks Bill. It’s interesting to read your exchange and also try to see the big picture.
One question comes to mind, How might external results connect to personal growth goals?
Because I had too much material, I plan to post a part two to this post. Another thing to consider is negotiating the relationship between you and Tony.
Best wishes
Thanks Dan for giving me some things to think about. TGIF!
This is such a great way to frame it! Why didn’t I think of this – lol. I like to tell people I’m working with where I think they are and where they need to go to get there… what a great way to explain it I’m just pushing them “in the deep end” . Thanks for your always insightful ways to look at the every day troubles of a leader!
Thanks Barbara. Reading your comment reminds me that the more experienced person “sees” things that the person in the deep end might miss.
Not my favorite post.
I don’t like the choice of words used to make the point: Coddling, pampering, over-protection. It’s obvious to anyone that these verbs as used are not usually the best management practices.
However, support, working-with and coaching are used as more acceptable … despite often showing up coddling, pampering and over-protection.
It’s a question of which words leaders choose to define their management practices while actions, effects and outcomes are often identical.
“It’s not a stretch assignment if it doesn’t keep you up at night”? Not true. The notion that suffering must define self-growth is driving people to exhaustion and incorrectly implies that anything less is mediocre if not outright failure.
I’m tired of this “tough-it-out”, “suck-it-up” and “push harder” movement. Too much of this and we risk diminishing ourselves and compromising our relationships to no valuable end.
I absolutely believe that the best managers at times must coddle, pamper, protect.
Knowing when and when not to is the real skill.
Glad you jumped in today, Debra. You have my respect for be uncomfortable with the language in this post. It is uncomfortable. Growth is uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable on my levels. One is the discomfort that something is going away. Another is stepping into the unknown.
Even intellectual growth can be uncomfortable with past ideas are challenged and then rejected.
If leaders can grow without being stressed, it’s news to me.
I notice that you use “at times” people need to be coddled. Who could possibly disagree with that statement?
Thanks again for jumping in and sharing your dislikes.
“It’s not a stretch assignment if it doesn’t keep you up at night.” I’m not one for unnecessary can’t-sleep stress. Consider, “It’s not a stretch assignment if you never think about except when you’re at work,” or “It’s not a stretch assignment if you never think about it in the shower, or while you’re working out, or walking the dog.”
Thanks Robert. I gave your comment a thumbs up for offering some alternatives. Much appreciated.
I’m not for “unnecessary” can’t sleep stress either. 🙂
Dan, I love your thought provoking posts, however I wonder about the statement “it’s not a stretch assignment unless it keeps you up at night”. How might a stretch assignment that is in alignment with your strengths and values help you sleep better at night?! Looking forward to your next post!
Thanks Karmen. You and others wonder about that sentence. If you can sleep better when the risk of failure is real more power to you. It’s not a stretch if failure isn’t possible.
Having said that, I wrote that if people are always failing the assignments are poorly designed. If they never fail, at least in some ways, the assignments are also poorly designed.
Think of failure as an iteration of success.
Whether or not I can sleep at night in the face of possible failure depends on both my coping skills (my responsibility) and with the psychological safety established by my peers and especially leadership (their responsibility). My best work has been stretch assignments in psychologically safe environments. Thanks for starting a conversation today, Dan, and staying with it!
Thanks Robert. Yes, coping skills are learned with time and stress. I doubt if anyone copes well at the beginning of the journey. But, as time passes and skills increase we learn to sleep well even when stakes are high.
Love the addition of psychological safety. One thing that means to me is we can be open about our stresses, concerns, fears without being punished.
Dan,
Well put today.
Over the years you have to learn to leave things at the Office, easier said than done! If we allow work to rule our lives to the extent we take it home we stop living our lives.
There is no magic switch to turn the brain off, other than ourselves, a lifetime of trials and errors to fall back on, heed the advice to relieve stress, learn to relax and deal with things in a timely fashion.
Try not to throw others on top of others in the pool! “Teach them to swim first”, so the can get out of the pool!
Happy Friday!
Thanks Tim… Try not to throw others on top of others in the pool! < —- Love that!! Frankly, using stretch assignments as the default method of development seems a bit scary. 🙂
Dan, I love the subtle, but powerful distinctions you are making here. They are jumping in, not being pushed, and if they aren’t ready to jump in, they aren’t ready for the deep end. I also love the “Help is throwing a nose plug, not a life preserver.” Our words create our world, so the words we use matter. Just like the metaphor and underlying mental model matters. Along with defining success, we can also help them prepare for what the experience will be like. Going outside of your comfort zone is uncomfortable (by definition) – so the struggles are actually a great sign of the growth that is taking place. And it’s good to remind ourselves that we don’t get to look good and grow at the same time.
Thanks Trevor. “We don’t get to look good and grow at the same time.” Wow!! Like the first presentation you give. I remember my knees knocking. Heck, I still get a stomach ache sometimes before I speak. 🙂
Dan, I can smell the pool water as I read this. Very good metaphor, and great discussion. I do agree with the comment about not being able to sleep at night. There are many things people have to deal with in their personal and professional lives. If people truly have support, they know there is a lifesaver or life raft if they need help. Having support is critical. Not having support, stretching or not, can cause anxiety, which is a work hazard as it is.
Thanks Donna. I appreciate you dropping in today. The combination of challenge and support protect stretch assignments from being cruel and unusual punishment.
The day to day path to growth is fits into a nudge model. Nudging ourselves and others forward. However, there are times when the deep end of the pool is a legitimate option.
One factor in the deep-end approach is the timeline. How much time is given for the person to learn and grow?
I am a leader, and when I dive into the deep end, I do lay awake at night, I have stress, I push myself and doubt myself, but when I succeed, I feel a sense of accomplishment that is unmatched from less “deep” challenges. I agree with this article 100%.
I find that when I am in the deep end it’s because there has been just enough ambiguity about a certain task…sometimes too much ambiguity can be frustrating if it is a pattern.
Your leadership in sharing ideas in unique formats is a gift to me on a regular basis. Today’s message is certainly one of your best. The sentence: “What will it look like if the person in the deep end succeeds?” is so strong! Remembering to work to obtain buy-in and being able to help them visualize what their success will look like seems to be one of the greatest gifts that you can provide to them. Thank you. Again.
What concerns me about pushing people in the deep end of the pool?
That they literally or metaphorically drown. There’s the idea that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and this is a “good thing”. It ignores the fact that if somebody hasn’t got stronger, they’ve died. You throw somebody in the deep end, they drown in the work and “die” – they never try anything new again because having been left to drown they have no inclination to take the same risk again. Why would they?
What a wonderful exchange this made for today. I’m not entirely sure that “what keeps you up at night” is supposed to be totally literal, like what’s on your mind. When something is on the line for me… I’m worrying about it, doing my best to achieve it and not wanting to disappoint, whether that keeps you from sleeping, enters into your thoughts in the shower or drives you to be a better you – its all a good thing. We need our limits to be tested and our abilities to be pushes so we earn it and only then do you appreciate it much more. No one is letting anyone drown, but if you don’t try to swim over your head are you confident you can do it?
Deep. The tab in my browser while this article is open reads “How to Throw Someone.” And I am easily amused. Thus, :-). Thanks for keeping me amused…now I’m off to throw someone…