Three C’s for Listening Like a Leader
Listening is a vast ocean surrounded by empty beaches.
I’ve been paying attention to listening, both my own and others. You’re more likely to meet a red-crested tree rat* than to meet someone who actually listens. (Present writer included.)
5 reasons shallow listening is normal:
- Desire. Listening is such a bother.
- Ignorance. You might listen if you knew how.
- Time. Hurry up. The clock’s ticking.
- Energy. You don’t have energy to listen deeply.
- Discipline. On a list of “hard things to do,” listening is near the top.
Set the stage for deep listening:
Unfocused conversations feel like chasing chickens.
Establish conversational direction or you’ll end up exhausted and disappointed.
- What’s on your agenda today?
- What good thing might come from our conversation?
- What would you like to accomplish during this conversation?
- What’s important for you to bring up during this conversation? What’s important to you about that?
Three C’s for listening like a leader:
#1. Character.
#2. Calmness.
Breathe deeply.
Although listening takes energy, it requires a calm spirit.
Inner agitation blocks listening.
#3. Compartmentalization.
Set a fence around your listening space. You don’t have anything else to do except attend to the person speaking.
Explain time limits before you begin. Because listening requires rigor, you might need to set short-time limits.
After explaining limits, attend fully.
The character of a listening leader:
#1. Courage.
Churchill put it this way, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
#2. Compassion.
“Compassion is the quality of having positive intentions for others. … It’s the ability to understand others and use that as a catalyst for supportive action.”**
#3. Confidence.
Insecurity seems to loosen tongues and close ears.
#4. Openness.
A closed mind lies behind closed ears.
Poor listening is a character issue.
What’s one thing you could do that would make you a better listener?
*The red-crested tree rat hadn’t been seen by scientists for more than a century — until May, 2011. (NPR)
**From, The Mind of the Leader, by Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter.
Hi Dan: Love the visual of putting a fence around my listening space. Thanks for that.
I agree that most of us don’t really know how to listen effectively, actively, deeply – however one wants to describe it. We can hear the sounds around us before we are born (apparently) and then as we get older we develop listening as we begin to pay attention to the sounds and words in our environment. That is it. No one ever teaches us how to listen or how to carry out any other communication skills. We learn from our parents, teachers and others in our community as we grow up. Relying on others who have learned the same way does not guarantee we will develop the skills required to be effective listeners. I like your 3 ‘Cs’ of listening and would propose a fourth – curiosity just because I couldn’t resist. Thanks
Thanks Kathy. Great seeing you here today! Isn’t it interesting that it’s easy to take speech classes, but it’s rare to see a listening class?
Maybe our speaking would be better if we learned how to listen. 🙂
One suggestion for compartmentalization: When someone comes to you for a meeting, hibernate the computer or simply turn off the screen, close the laptop, close the notebook, or put a stack of papers aside away from you. These physical actions send signals to the other person (and yourself!) that you are closing the fence and there is just you and other other person in the space. 🙂
Thanks Aurelian. Yes! Do this as prepwork. When the person enters your space, you are fully prepared to listen.
So true. Listening to the sound of the ocean is one of the most peaceful and calming sounds I know. But, I’ve also adopted a catchphrase from a grief counselling course I attended many years ago. People need to be Heard, Acknowledged and Accepted, I would also add the word Understood. Enjoying the reading. Thanks.
Thanks Robynne. The words you add are filled with meaning. We can ask ourselves:
How might I acknowledge the person speaking?
How might I accept the person speaking?
What should I ask to enhance my understanding of the person and the message?
Dan,
We touched on this last week, take away distractions! Learning to “Focus”, nothing else is important during the event, that’s at least in a perfect world!
Thanks Tim. Focus begins with determining what matters and then removing things that don’t matter.
I appreciate EVERYTHING about this! I think one element to give thought to is that often times people have such limited exposure to someone who deeply listens to them, that when it does occur, they are unable to process this phenomenon. This can lead to a moment of discomfort. When you arrive at the moment of responding to them through paraphrasing or questioning it can even be mislabeled as an over analysis of their words. In reality, they aren’t used to someone listening to their words for understanding, meaning, and emotion and being able to respond in a way that creates reflection or cognitive shift…I know this is taking it beyond listening – It’s the coach in me!
The benefits of deep listening are priceless! It is worth the intentional time and energy that is required. I equate listening to caring and support. In that moment, you see them and hear them as a person and that is a powerful acknowledgement of their existence in your life.
Words are important – Listen deeply!
Thanks Jeannie. Brilliant insight. I’ve been thinking that sometimes we don’t really want someone to listen to us. It requires courage to listen AND let someone deeply listen to us. Shallow communication feels safer than careful listening.
Plus, as you indicate, it’s so rare that we might wonder what the heck is going on.
I’ve learned to buffer my curiosity with a little banter. If I don’t, people start wonder what I’m after.
This is a fabulous post Dan. Once again I have my 76 Masters Leadership and Change students reading you Blog and especially loves the past days posts about active listening be a key tool for effective leadership and management. As always thank you for what you do.