6 Power Tips for Having a Tough Conversation
You tried to deal with the issue when it was small but there’s no improvement. Now it’s time for a tough conversation.
Power Tips for Tough Conversations:
#1. Build positive relationships:
Positive relationships are the foundation for successful tough conversations.
Pat people on the back more than kicking them in the pants. You suck the life out of people when all you do is point out what’s wrong.
#2. Preparation:
Tell people they matter by being prepared when they show up.
Don’t say, “I’ll be with you after I finish this email.”
- Set your phone to ‘do not disturb’ before they arrive.
- Put your computer to sleep.
- Get your head in a positive space.
- Write down three positive qualities you see in the person.
- Record your best intention.
- Think more about what you want than what you don’t want.
“Before anything else, preparation is the key to success.” Alexander Graham Bell
#3. Location:
Your office is number three on the list of best places to have a tough conversation.
Have tough conversations in their office, not yours. If their office isn’t an option, choose a neutral space or take a walk.
Remove physical barriers. Don’t sit behind your desk, for example.
#4. Stay open:
Prepare for a tough conversation with a trusted adviser or coach, but don’t script everything you plan to say.
#5. Get to the point quickly:
Avoid chit-chat. The feedback sandwich is full of baloney. It’s a terrible waste of positive affirmations.
- “Let’s jump right in.”
- “There’s an issue I’d like to discuss.”
#6. Turn to the future:
Turn tough conversations toward the future quickly.
Don’t spend 45 minutes explaining what’s wrong and 10 minutes discussing how to make it right.
- State the issue.
- Give an example.
- Declare your positive intention for them.
- Ask, “How might you improve in this area?”
What power tips for tough conversations might you add? (I’m planning to add to the list this afternoon.)
Dan,
As usual you hit the nail on the head “Be concise with the issue”, learn to make your point, build on the mistake and move forward.
When we hear praise don’t hesitate to pass it on, just today we had a client state how well they liked our work, first thing I did was pass it on the workers, which helps develop their pride that someone is taking notice in their skills and they are appreciated. I have made it a point when good things happen to process the feedback to those who deserve and let others see what it takes.
Thanks Tim. I’ll take your suggestion as one important way to build a positive foundation for the time when a tough conversation might be necessary. Cheers!
Great tips to utilize for the tougher conversations we tend to have as leaders.
What power tips for tough conversations might you add?
‘Avoid confrontation’ as soon as it starts.
Do not allow the conversation to turn towards a heated debate or excessive argument. Or if it does, do not allow yourself to engage in such actions and diffuse it, or end the conversation until everything has boiled down.
‘Follow through’ with plans of actions.
I try my best to end conversations like this as you mentioned above, with questions and actions to improve the issue at hand. This includes creating plans of actions or furthering my expectations of what I would like to see done or what they want to see happen with themselves. But I always follow up, I ensure that the track is being followed and if they need assistance with something, that I am there to help. Also, this allows me to see if changes or actions are not being changed and are continuing to be an issue. Which allows me to judge what needs to happen to correctly rectify the situation at hand.
As always Dan, I appreciate your posts. Have a great day!
Thanks Richard. I’m going to add both of your suggestions to this afternoon’s list. Follow through is necessary, especially if you’ve already had a conversation and things didn’t change.
A single conversation isn’t magic fairy dust.
Cheers
After the tough conversation, I try to resist the urge to avoid the person or treat them differently. I want to normalize interactions, especially in view of their co-workers. Then I try to follow-up with reminders of what we discussed privately to ensure the issue taken seriously.
Thanks Duane. Don’t treat people like they have a disease. 🙂
Ahhh, one of my very favorite topics, and the reason I travel with an enormous Winning Well diaper genie (you can imagine the looks we get at airports 😉 . Instead of the sandwich technique (where you tell them something nice, tell them what you really think, and tell them something nice), which is totally confusing, ditch the diaper genie. Take off the self-protecting layers of spin, and speak your truth in a productive way with focus on improving both results and relationships.
We teach a method we call the I.N.S.P.I.R.E. model for tough conversations– which focuses on N- Noticing the behavior and P-probing to get to root cause and I- Inviting them to come up with the solution. It’s powerful and works up down and sideways. https://trainingmag.com/managing-art-tough-conversations.
Thanks Karin. Great seeing you. I’m looking forward to our Facebook Live this Afternoon.
he “I” is so important. Don’t solve people’s challenges for them. If you start solving problems for others it becomes a snowball. You’re always solving problems. It might be good for the ego, but in the end it’s a bottleneck that disrespects other’s strength and creativity.
I recommend:
1. Describe his/her behavior (be specific)
2. Indicate the business consequence of his/her behavior (upset customers, unhappy team members)
3. Describe how his/her behavior makes you feel
4. Direct or discuss required changes
5. Offer to help but keep ownership/accountability with him/her
I find a lot of managers overlook or don’t cover #2, which I think is very important topic to discuss.
Thanks Paul. YES! What’s the impact of your behavior on others. We might explore the beneficial impact if things change. ???
Cheers
Agree with not scripting the entire conversation but, notes are a must, specifics are a must.
Sometimes we get so involved in one point of discussion that we overlook another. We may also forget something that needs to be followed up.
If there is follow-up, try to make it two-sided. If the relationship is supposed to be a partnership, both sides need to have some accountability. Example: poor performance results from knowledge deficits. The individual commits to learning more and you commit to providing her with coaching.
Lovingly, kindly, respectfully and giving your UNDIVIDED attention, get to the subject matter a hand. No need to prolong the issue and run the risk of understating the reason for the meeting in the first place. If it is important enough to have a meeting, treat it as such. Great article!
Thanks Ron. I appreciate you bringing the L word to the conversation. 🙂
Thanks Dr. Pinzon. I’m so glad you bring the idea of partnership to the conversation. Partnership is working on things together, not fixing things for someone else. Powerful!
The other idea that comes to mind is model the way. Work on your own development. Involve others in your own development and then encourage others to develop themselves.
“Do you understand why this is a problem and is something that I need you to address? and “What ideas do you have about what can be done differently?”
My Managing Workplace Roadblocks toolkit also offers some team-based discussion tools for generating alternatives to address the many things that appear to get in the way of improving performance. People LET themselves be roadblocked and we need to work on the process of Dis-Un-Empowerment. – Remove the things that are unempowering.
Thanks Scott. Great questions! I enjoy your use of language. 🙂
Difficult conversations are just that. All supervisors, managers, leaders have them. Few are good at them (at least in my experience). While we tend to “know” what we should do and what we should say, we generally don’t. Either through lack of confidence in how we are approaching the situation or because we are fearful of how the conversation will turn. Few of us like hard conversations.
One thing I have done is to ask the person I’m having a conversation with: “If you were me facing this situation, how would you address it.”
One other thing, the best staff will know when s/he has made a mistake. I’ve had serval instances where one of my department directors would come in to talk with me having already beat him-or-herself up, so there is no point to continuing to beat them up. They’ve done the work for me . . . but then those are the best employees to have.
Thanks Daryl. You wrote, “Few of us like hard conversations.” Your a little scary if you like them!
Your question is wonderful. Leaders are usually working too hard. Your question starts a conversation.
The best employees need encouragement when they not doing well. You are so right.
This is a post of everyone – in the workforce, education – even parenting. Preparation for the tough conversation is key so the conversation has a better chance of being productive. Avoiding the tough conversation just makes it tougher when it eventually has to happen. So timeliness is also important as long as it’s not reactive. As often quoted – “What you allow is what will continue.”
Thanks Vicki. The longer you wait, the tougher a tough conversation gets.
Yes, even parenting is improved if we prepare. Now isn’t that an interesting idea. 🙂
All excellent points! I would add: Establish the facts (vs. assumptions), as well as mutual respect and purpose/goal.
Thanks Pamela. You said a lot in one sentence. The term “mutual” is important. Trusting relationships make tough conversations easier.
I HATE the ‘Feedback Sandwich’. ‘Stop beating around the bush and get to the point will you please?’ is what I think of any sub-par Manager with no very little leadership skills.
Exactly, Michael. Let’s pick the scab and get busy making things better.
Using different communication styles can enhance the conversation.
A mentor once told me this and I have to agree, ” Difficult conversations will always be difficult, you just recover quicker with more practice”. A simple but true fact that reminds me that being anxious before, during and after the conversation is normal!