7 Ways to Gossip Like a Leader
Malicious gossip builds silos and weakens relationships.
There’s research that says gossip has a good side. But I’ve heard people crying in their cubicles because of rumors.
Teams move in the direction of their conversations.
Playful gossip:
Friends talk openly about each other’s weaknesses because they accept each other. “Yes, Fred sucks with details.”
- You say it to their face and sometimes to others.
- You smile when you mention their weaknesses.
- It’s combined with respect for strengths and affirmations. Relationships that center on weaknesses are dark, not playful.
The danger of playful gossip is others hear your words but don’t see your heart. They might assume malice.
Even though there are dangers, playful gossip is usually respectful and helpful. But never use it as an excuse for tearing someone down.
7 ways to gossip like a leader:
- The person is in the room. If you have to whisper, it’s probably malicious.
- Strive to make something better.
- Focus on something that actually happened – not motives.
- Focus on behaviors not character.
- Discuss an action plan with a wise adviser, coach, or mentor.
- Help someone self-reflect, not speculate about others.
- How do YOU feel?
- What is your intent?
- What’s next?
- Focus on the future, rather than camping in the past.
Leaderly language:
Leaders use words to bring people together and strengthen relationships. Malicious gossips weaken relationships.
Malicious gossips gather supporters and weakens teams.
4 ways to answer malicious gossip:
- You seem to think things are bad. If things were better, what would be true for you?
- What do you want me to think when you talk about Fred?
- I’m just wondering what you’re trying to accomplish by telling me this?
- I’m curious. What would you like to do about this?
Malicious gossips place personal interests above organizational advantage.
What differences do you see between playful and malicious gossip?
How might leaders deal with malicious gossip?
Dan,
I was taught “if you don’t have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all”, or don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
These lessons came with hardships many times when people can be totally cruel towards others with malice intent.
From a leadership standpoint, I think we will follow others who tend to be more neutral than passing judgements.
We weren’t put on this earth to be judgemental, yet we haven’t learned to get along either.
Thanks Tim. I hear you. I also know that talking about people is a part of life.
You made me think about the difference between judging people and judging performance.
I like that you included playful gossip. I have had several highly respected and good colleagues I have been able to enjoy playful gossip with, and a few times it served as an unthreatening reminder for me to watch a specific weakness.
And your suggested ways to answer gossip is spot on. While I have either lost respect for the gossiper / tended to discount their future talk or told them they should not do that (note, I am not a supervisor or manager), your suggested questions to ‘put it on’ the gossiper – is good in so many ways. One, If asked ‘what do you want me to think of Fred’ or ‘what do you hope to accomplish by telling me that’ may result in powerful self reflection by the gossiper, and the resulting conversation could lead to growth and maturity for the gossiper. Or it may cause the gossiper to refrain from gossiping as much.
As always Dan, great stuff!
Thanks Jackie. Your reflections are helpful.
Like you, I have friends who talk playfully about my weaknesses and I do the same with them. BUT, we also respect each other and acknowledge each other’s strengths.
Perhaps malicious gossip can’t celebrate the good in others.
“I don’t think she/he would do that intentionally (or I don’t find that in his/her behavior..), lets expect the best of one another.” Has become something I say in these situations.. It often stops the chain of talk, I’m less sure it actually resets the malicious persons thinking – and that’s the real challenge.
Yes, Thanks Ken. How about assuming the best.
How about gossiping about someone’s good qualities. “Can you believe how helpful Bob is?” 🙂
“What differences do you see between playful and malicious gossip? “- playful intimates fun, even go so far as say polite cheeky, could be banter, assist in team building. Malicious intimates it being done with destruction in mind, more than likely for selfish reasons.
“How might leaders deal with malicious gossip?” I’ve come across a term similar to “unless you hear it from the horses mouth”, therefore seek the horse and hear from it. If there was any type of gossip ongoing, I like(d) to try and apply the rule, discipline myself, unless I heard it from the person being ‘gossiped’ about, it was just that, gossip.
Dan I think that it’s extremely important for leaders as well as all others in the organization to speak only positively about others to others in public and in private. That is the rule. Anything else is not acceptable unless one is a) addressing performance issues with the boss of the person in question but ONLY after they have already been discussed with that person or b) discussing illegal/unethical behavior of the person in question with their boss.
There is a quote I once read that said “Believing half of what you hear is brilliant, knowing which half to believe in, is genius.
Totally agree, gossip is an absolutely productivity, motivation and morale killer.
As a leader it is your job to rise above and ensure these issues don’t take hold in your own workplace.
“Focus on behaviors not character”Can you elaborate and add some sample actions please..
Thank you