You Never Bring out Someone’s Best by Making Them Feel Inadequate
You never bring out someone’s best by making them feel inadequate.
You may not mean to intimidate others but you probably do.
Intimidated people:
- Comply, but don’t bring their best.
- Speak YOUR mind, not theirs. They figure out what you want to hear and say it.
- Pretend they respect you.
You intimidate others if they won’t speak up.
The person with power is responsible to minimize intimidation.
5 Ways to lead more and intimidate less:
#1. Approve of people.
There’s a difference between approving of others and disagreeing with them.
People feel intimidated when they wonder what you think of them.
Approve of people even when you correct their behavior.
“Failure is an event not a person.” Zig Ziglar
#2. Inquire first. Judge last.
People don’t enjoy feeling judged by your quick brain. Leaders often decide quickly and get bored. “Let’s move on.”
I know a caring leader who gets a blank look on his face when you bring up problems or offer suggestions. He’s kind and open but he unintentionally intimidates people because he seems disinterested.
- Ask open questions.
- Begin questions with, “I’m interested in … .”
- Avoid using ‘but’ when possible. “That’s a good idea, BUT … .”
#3. Meet in their office, not yours.
Your office feels like going to the principal’s office, even if you don’t mean it to feel that way.
#4. Strengthen connection – eliminate distance:
- Be prepared when someone meets with you. Don’t say, “I’ll be with you in just a minute.” Making people wait is an expression of power.
- Let them see you silence your phone and put it away.
- Avoid sitting behind your desk if you must meet in your office.
The trappings of power are tools of intimidation.
#5. Don’t blame others for feeling intimidated. It’s intimidating.
How might leaders lower the intimidation factor?
Great advice, Dan…. Although I don’t mean to be intimidating, I think I am in several cases. This is something I will work on and improve, especially in my work environment.
Thanks Lisa. I hear you. I don’t think I’m intimidating, but others do. So I need to pay attention to that dynamic. Best wishes.
I was once given the feedback that I can be intimidating because of my competence. That is, I make things look easy, and someone who is new to the job or is struggling with a new opportunity can be intimidated by that. Since then (and that was years ago), I make a point of unpacking, to explain the steps, rather than assuming that what is obvious to me is obvious to everyone.
Nice awareness, Jennifer!
Great advice!
How might leaders lower the intimidation factor?
Smile more often ( a genuine one, if but for a moment).
Make meaningful eye contact- often.
Speak to folks who can do NOTHING for you.
Thank folks for contributing.
Open your office door more than you close your office door.
I would clarify that be prepared when someone meets with IF the meeting has already been scheduled. If they drop by your office and you are in the middle of typing an email, then they should expect to wait, so that you can give them your full attention.
Conversely, if you go to their office, start by asking whether this is a good time. And make it clear that you are okay if the answer is no. Because making someone else rearrange their schedule for you is intimidating.
Good stuff. Thanks for sharing!
I think that leaders need be able to adjust leadership styles as needed, some people work well where there is no intimidation others need intimidation or will be lazy in their performance.
Set up your office to be inviting. Bring in a small couch, comfy chairs, personal items. Create the setting so that the first place you sit is on the sofa minimize the focus of your desk or any awards, diplomas. nothing that shouts, “I am in charge!”
Follow David’ Rock’s SCARF (Neuroscience research)…it offers support for all points listed here. Another add would be not to set up a meeting without providing some context…simply, “let’s meet at 2:00, I need to talk to you about something,” sets up a threat response. Standing in front of your employee’s desk while they are sitting is a no brainer. Orienting oneself internally in a posture of equanimity with the other will be sensed by the other and smooth the quills.
I find Gerry’s comment interesting, and residual from command and control styles of the past. Intimidation does not cure laziness in performance. Intimidation and power moves create resentment, resistance and decrease productivity and engagement.