How to Respond to an Angry Employee
Don’t ad lib when emotion is high.
Prepare yourself to respond to an angry employee. Develop a plan.
How to respond to an angry employee:
#1. Emotion comes first. Diffuse hot emotion before solving tough issues. Hot emotion, like stress, makes people stupid.
- Show respect. Treat people with courtesy, even if they are discourteous.
- Listen quietly until their emotions cool.
- Confront crude or insulting language.
#2. Stop conversations when people disrespect or insult you.
If you’re seated, stand up. Speak quietly but firmly. “You’re not going to speak to me that way. I’m interested in your concerns. Would you like some time to gather your thoughts?”
Taking time to cool off is not an excuse for avoiding tough issues.
#3. Buy time for yourself if you’re upset.
When under stress, adrenaline turns your brain to mush. Additionally, adrenaline causes some people to shake. You’ll need 20 or 30 minutes for adrenaline to run its course.
#4. Turn complaints to goals.
In this morning’s post the complaint was, “She accused me and our company of not valuing her opinions and is threatening to quit.” This complaint came after an employee received corrective feedback about her work.
Possible goals:
- “I want to value your opinions. What would be happening if your opinions were valued?”
- “Help me understand how my feedback connects to not valuing your opinions.”
- “I see that my feedback was upsetting. How would you like me to give you this kind of feedback in the future?”
- “If you would like to quit, let’s begin the process after you’ve had time to think about it.”
Tips:
- Angry people aren’t happy about anything. Don’t let a conversation about burnt toast end with, “You’re just like your mother.”
- Make a plan for the future that includes consequences if they blow up again. Include, “Here’s what I expect from you…”
What should be on a leader’s plan for responding to an angry employee?
Note: SEE PART ONE OF THIS POST.
I like how your post are going this week. You are bring up issues that no one ever wants to talk about. Thank you. My 3 lessons this year, 1: people are messy 2: its not my job to fix them 3: its not easy but its worth it (being a leader).
Thanks Walt. Your first lesson is so powerful. Yes, people are messy and I are one! 🙂 All the silly posturing that leaders go through to make it look like they do everything well is pure garbage. In the end everyone has to pretend they have everything together.
People don’t like being fixed. Growth is great. Being fixed is insulting. 🙂
So glad you jumped in.
It is challenging to give feedback. People in general do not like to be corrected. Maybe gaining trust and rapport as a leader could soften ones filter to constructive feedback.
Thanks Gerry. Great suggestion. For some reason your comment got me thinking about treating elders with respect and youngers gently. Sometimes age is a factor in this exchanges.
Through it all, leaders need to keep a clear direction in mind.
I love the series of posts answering a question from a reader and expanding on it. I feel they are really practical. Unfortunately too often we only learn these lessons after we have handled something badly.
And such is the nature of living the experience, Zac …
but for grace, so we go as well. Fail forward … in grace better than before.
Pogo had it right:
“We have met the enemy, and it is us.”
As an (life long) adrenaline junkie (in recovery), I can vouch for the shakes you speak of, but it’s usually the holding back of the instinctual Gremlin within that causes them … and the recovery time (for the thinking Sage within) can be but a few moments, just long enough to make sure the Actor persona can deliver a proportionate, qualitative response.
Don’t deny the Gremlin … it’s usually right about threats … its reaction just needs to be refined (and properly objectified) for the persona to be effective.
I read the first post and I am so glad you posted a follow-up because I was struggling with the first post. I 100% agree that if someone threatens to quit that you softly give them permission to do so (I learnt that lesson the hard way with an employee who cried wolf a lot). However, sometimes it isn’t possible to fire your staff member, I work in an industry where it just isn’t an option. Performance managing is the only option for situations like this in my world, which is what this post is.
I also think its important to note that the staff member in the first post may be behaving inappropriately, but maybe the point is valid. By asking these questions/goals as the manager that is part of the situation you will be able to better gauge if maybe you are contributing to the problem.
Thanks for thought provoking posts as always. ☺
Great posts the last couple of days. Some really key points: Build relationships and always remain respectful and professional when others are not. And, equally important, don’t let others engage in inappropriate disrespectful behavior.
You have to take feedback as constructive. I learn by the feedback I receive. It is never easy to get “negative” feedback but again, if you take it as constructive it is a little easier to swallow.
I love how accessible you are to your readership. The fact that you answered a question, giving initial ideas plus saying you would give it more thought and then posted more the 2nd day. I’m having a hard time to find the words I want to use to express how that speaks to your level of passion and dedication.
Speak with the sense of understanding their concerns, getting past emotions, to get to the root cause, so we can help them or at least guide them to a solution.
Agree with the above comments and found this “goal” particularly helpful. Often times people who are perceived as angry or disgruntled have been letting things bottle up and then explode. Responding with the “Help me understand how my feedback connects to not valuing your opinions,” could lead to a more meaningful and insightful dialogue around that employee’s experiences that created a belief that neither she or her opinions were valued. By asking a question to understand the other person’s perspective, the door is opened for feedback while demonstrating listening to understand.
I read through both related posts and really find them timely and interesting. I am dealing with a customer, not a colleague so somewhat different situation, who everyone I have sent to help resolve his concern has come back and said they won’t work with him again. The customer doesn’t realize that he is contributing to his own dissatisfaction and issues by being belligerent and obstinate to people who are trying to resolve the issue. I feel like these people are a liability because they make threats and thus get others to cave. It is a delicate ordeal and I appreciate your thoughts on calming the situation while drawing boundaries.
The way I try to give feedback is to give positive feedback 9 times and then give the “constructive” feedback the 10th time. I work with children and find that building up a good “emotional bank account’ works best. In conversations with the parents to the children I use the same technique. Many of the parents to my 9th graders have never received positive calls from school – ever! They are in a defense mode as soon as “school” calls. What a shame! We need to build an “emotional bank account” with the parents as well – and believe me, they “have your back” once they predominantly hear positive comments about their children.
Bringing these ideas to an office environment – I believe that if leaders can give 9 concrete positive feedbacks among the constructive ones it would make for a great environment. It seems, though, that if everybody is doing what is expected, we do not give feedback. Positive feedback is sometimes only given when somebody goes above and beyond (which of course is well deserved) or to the “chosen ones” (which is not always deserved because others have supported and “held up” this person).
How often is credit given where credit is due? E.g., One employee gets credit and positive feedback for a job well done, and this employee immediately “confesses” that the job mostly, actually, was done by somebody else. Does this happen?
In my teaching environment I often experienced teachers “beating their own drum”, going to the principal or at staff meetings sharing what they had done well. Instead, I started working in a different culture than the American, and there I would go to the principal and tell her that my colleague was doing some amazing things with her students and suggest a visit. This made a huge difference to the culture within the school. We looked for the “good” in others!
This could be transferred to any work environment and promote leadership that is respected, whether the person has a “formal” leadership position or not. We have many informal leaders among us that never get the chance to lead, because of the hierarchical office environments.
This is good advice. So much more positive and very little constructive.
Thank you for sharing your gifts, Dan.
This is such a wonderful piece! From experience, leaders must invest in building trust with their subordinates as this will make feedbacks easily absorbable when the receiver understands such feedback is being been made, among other things, in his/her best interest overall. The real trouble is: it’s difficult to trust a feedback from a leader who has not built sufficient trust and integrity capital with his/her team.
This is very useful. I would also like perspective and practical advice for dealing with a disrespectful boss!
Well said on how to confront. This is useful in almost any situation. Polite, but quiet and firm.
How would you deal with a disrespectful boss?
I have been following your writings for a while now and appreciate the insight. This particular situation has made me consider some less aggressive, borderline insubordinate supervisors that I deal with. I would really like the opportunity to run that around the bush as well or if you have a direction for me, that would be appreciated as well.