Strategies for Dealing with Defensive Employees
Feedback is wasted on Mr. Defensive. He closes his mind to anything that feels threatening.
The chronically defensive can’t benefit from helpful suggestions or constructive feedback.
Strategies of Mr. Defensive:
The moment you bring up an uncomfortable issue, Mr. Defensive:
- Has a reason or excuse why things didn’t work out.
- Casts blame. It’s always someone else’s fault. Mr. Defensive can’t take responsibility.
- Explains all the good things he’s done. Mr. Defensive is awesome, even though things aren’t going well.
- Tells a long story that keeps them in control of the conversation. You can’t get a word in edgewise when Mr. Defensive begins story time.
- Accuses others of being worse than he is. He might have screwed up but he’s not as bad as someone else.
Don’t get defensive when someone gets defensive. Practice kind candor.
Kind candor clarifies confusion as long as it turns toward the future.
Strategies for dealing with defensive employees:
- Evasiveness: Say, “I’d like to circle back to my original topic.”
- Avoidance: Say, “I’m having trouble connecting what you just said with the issue I mentioned. What relationship do you see between the original topic (name it) and what you said in response?”
- Avoidance: Say, “I thought you were responsible for this project. Am I mistaken?”
- Blame: Say, “I don’t want to talk about someone who isn’t in the room. Could we discuss your role in this issue?”
Notice don’t judge.
I noticed when I brought up this issue you turned the conversation to something else. I’d like to circle back to my original topic.
Deal directly with defensiveness:
Mr. Defensive loves it when you dance around issues.
Seek to understand.
Say, “I notice that you started talking about someone else when I brought up this issue. What’s going on for YOU right now?”
Short-term pain beats long-term drain.
How might leaders deal with defensive employees?
One way could be starting a conversation with closed questions to get to the heart of the matter first.
LOL, showing an avocado with what happened to Joy Behr stabbing herself and giving herself an Avocado Hand. There are so many narcissists in today’s workforce, I’m not sure whether corporations will remain as competitive as they have been in the past.
Additional ideas on dealing with the “blame game” would be helpful!
Wow – perfect quick reference list of six strategies for daily engagements throughout my work week! 1 through 4, plus 5: Notice don’t judge. I noticed when I brought up this issue you turned the conversation to something else. I’d like to circle back to my original topic. and 6: Seek to understand. Say, “I notice that you started talking about someone else when I brought up this issue. What’s going on for YOU right now?”. I plan to post this over my phone / pc and possibly the water cooler!
And all this time I’ve just been calling him Mr. A##hole.
Examples of “Kind Candor”???
Look, I believe in you,I wouldn’t be here with you otherwise, but in order for me to continue to believe in you I need to help you find a way to produce outcomes we had agreed to.
I think I might tend to be a bit of a Ms. Defensive myself, which might explain why I had a reaction to #3 Avoidance: Say, “I thought you were responsible for this project. Am I mistaken?” Unless, there is genuine confusion about who was responsible, this comes across to me as being a bit snarky. I would suggest that it be used with great caution. Really liked a lot of the other suggestion. I’ve learned a lot from following your blog!!
I agree, Melodie. What has worked well for me (and, I’m embarrassed to say, WITH me first, which is how I learned it) is to ask? “I hear you. Since we’re depending on you to lead the effort, please share a quick summary of your plan to get there, given the current situation?”
Why is he defensive? Does the organisation have a history of setting impossible (“reach” goals” then hammering those who fail to achieve them? If Mr Defensive believes you’re talking to him to sick him with blame for everything he can’t control, why wouldn’t he be defensive?
These examples and strategies for kind candor are GOLD!
What do you say when you realize that the issue really was someone else’s fault even though Mr. Defensive may have been partially responsible for the undesirable outcome?
I would remind Mr/s. Defensive that you will be talking to E’ee X at another time and you appreciate the feedback regarding X’s work, but right now we need to circle back to the original topic.