Dear Dan: Help People Who Work for a Control Freak
Dear Dan,
How do we help people who work for, or are recovering from working for, a control freak?
Many of our leaders have controlling impulses, which has helped them get to their positions of authority. Sometimes there is no win/win with a controlling leader. Is the only option to walk away?
Sincerely,
Looking to help
Dear Looking,
We’re born with a need for control. Take a favorite toy away from a two year old and you’ll hear the voice of a young control freak.
Even the strategy of ‘letting go’ is a form of gaining control.
Partial control:
If you want to help people who work for a controlling leader, explore the topic of partial control.
The things you try to control are often partially within your control. Relationships, interactions, employee performance are partially within your control.
Explore control:
Make a list of things they would like to control/change about their controlling leader. Stop interrupting might be on the list. Possible follow-up questions:
What could you do the next time your leader interrupts you? Answers might include:
- Interrupt them.
- Listen quietly and return to the original point when they are done.
- Accept that they are going to interrupt you and let it go.
What would you like to do the next time your controlling leader tells you how to do your job? Answers might include:
- Do it their way and be happy you to have a job.
- Calmly thank them for their input and explain what YOU plan to do.
- Explain that your strengths are different from theirs. If they want top performance, you need to leverage your strengths.
The above responses might not work, but executing on planned responses takes back a bit of control.
Stay tuned for more suggestions.
Best,
Dan
What suggestions do you have for someone looking to help people who work for a controlling leader?
Source: “The control freak not only asks all of the questions, he answers them all too. He’ll give you advice even when he has no expertise.” Bob Sutton on Forbes.com
POW! My first thought was Samuel Goldwyn, and his, “When I want your advise, I will give it to you” comment and that old quote from a session I ran with a trucking company CEO: “That’s like asking the vegetables how to design a refrigerator.” BOSS spelled backward IS self-explanatory, for sure, when it comes to this particular species of the management animal.
SOMETIMES, it might be possible to “share an idea” about how to get things done and be given a little rope to accomplish it, but often it is more like pushing the rope than pulling it. You might add this to the list:
“How long do you think they may stay in that job and, if they move, will they continue to have any similar impacts on how things are done?”
Maybe it is better to work with one of these people than someone who is totally aloof and uncaring and distant and all that, where you are left out there hanging on your own.
Me, I would keep my options open. Often, the grass IS greener on the other side of that fence.
Thanks Dr. Scott. There is a flavor or arrogance in being a control freak. A control freak is smarter, more talented, and knows.
Perhaps a constant sense of knowing what other’s should do might signal the problem.
The idea of sharing an idea makes sense… Seeking permission might help a control freak still feel in control.
I wonder about the idea act first and apologize later.
I totally agree on act first, apologize later approach for as long as it lasts. Eventually, the control freak will say “run things by me before you do anything.”
Maybe just different definitions, but I don’t think control freaks are always competent. I think you described the competent control freak very well.
I’ve seen control freak behaviors from incompetent people. They want to know everything going on because they don’t understand the work. Some people also use it as a tool to look better to their managers, by taking the credit from their own team.
Thanks Jon. It’s great that you bring up incompetent control freaks. A new manager who hasn’t mastered the new role might resort to being a control freak.
The other thing that comes to mind is to be polite when you act first and apologize later.
Interesting question again, Dan. What I tend to do is ask what the Control Freak expects from me and have a dialogue on how that fits my role and expertise. If I am hired to just do what he/she says, I am well overpaid. So determining the expectations and defining e.g. feedback loops may help to get over the control habit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t 😉
Thanks Anne-Marie. Yes. Restate expectations so they can hear themselves might be interesting.
Negotiate a feedback system also creates an opportunity for two-way conversations. I’ll add that it will likely takes lots of repetition to get through. Don’t expect one conversation to make much of a difference.
Control freaks are thick headed. Feel successful if you get through with a small point.
Yep Dan, that’s right, it takes some endurance 😉
Sometimes the “Control Freak” is waiting for someone to jump forward, confidently, boldly & fearlessly take the bull by the horns, not taking no for an answer. Other times they are ego driven and by suggesting something to them rather than telling them your plan, allows them to maintain control giving them the opportunity to make the final decision or it allows them to change the idea slightly. It then becomes a collaboration in which they “of course” were the reason for such a brilliant solution. You however, know the reality. Win/ Win.
Thanks Roger. In a future post I plan to explore the idea of ‘drawing a line’ or setting boundaries. That’s what came to mind when I read your suggestion of taking the bull by the horns.
I think there’s value, but be sure not to tread into their clearly defined turf. But be warned. Control freaks think everything is their turf.
I guess it depends on what is the driving force behind the controlling behavior, I have found that sometimes it is the illusion of incompetence of others or the reality of others not fully engaging and simply standing by willing to be led/ controlled.
Thanks Roger. You bring up an interesting idea. A control freak responds to the perception of incompetence in others. In other words a control freak thinks others are weak.
The other side is a control freak may feel a need to step in with others don’t step up.
Or they are impatient…, don’t want to wait for the other person to get his/her thoughts/acts straight.
You need to figure out the why behind the behavior. The Control Freak didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to be controlling. The Control Freak is afraid of something. For example, the Control Freak may be afraid of failure, and also afraid that letting others do things their way will result in failure that the Control Freak will be blamed for. If so, explain how your approach will be successful, and state your willingness to be responsible for your actions.
Thanks Jennifer. Generally speaking, I don’t like figuring out other people’s motivations. I think we are usually off base. You could say it’s fear. You could also say it’s trying to protect people from failure.
A control freak thinks they are helping. It doesn’t have to be negative motivation.
Having said all that, thinking about the possible fears and answering them might be helpful. For example, maybe they are afraid of being out of the loop. The answer is send them regular update emails.
BINGO from me on these points, Dan! I know it’s not the answer for working well with all CFs, but this is a big part that worked for me during two different stretches in my career when I reported to a CF.
As I perceived each person’s fear of not being in-the-know and their hunger for info, I asked them about it (in a PC way like “I can tell that you’d like to get regular/frequent updates from me”). Then I promised that I would share info regularly and would always come to them if there was a perceived or real issue or risk. After that I fulfilled my promise and made sure to never leave either person hanging without info.
I’m not a big fan of running to my superior with ongoing updates for every issue or concern. I prefer having a level of autonomy to take care of business. But when reporting to a CF who just can’t give me this freedom, life is SO VERY much smoother by acknowledging their need and providing them with the info they want.
Then for those times when I needed to push for something that I felt was right and the CF didn’t agree, I was able to find a compromise to get what was right. But it only occurred because we had established a level of trust from my proving I could be counted on. Note that I mentioned compromise; you can’t just get things exactly the way you want with a CF, so skilled compromise still comes into play. I just want a WIN / WIN and sometimes this is the only way to get it with a CF. I don’t need to BE right, but I’m determined to find a way to get what’s right, especially when I’m advocating for/fighting for a person.
A CF is just one of the many different personalities we all encounter. Excluding the rare monster, I believe we can all find a way to work successfully with everyone. Then we can also take some lessons that will help us in the future to be better leaders ourselves, including how we worked through the tougher times and still came out better on the other side.
Thanks Mary. Brilliant. You got me thinking about the control freaks I’ve worked for. Maybe it’s best to just forget about labeling them. It’s better to think about how to work well with them AND stretch your own leadership muscles.
Today, I dare to draw the line. That’s based on appreciating my own value and strengths. When I was younger, it was harder to draw the line. You have to find other ways. Sometimes you give in. Other times you compromise. One thing is sure. Always do your best.
All great points, but often overlooked is that micromanagers are working for micromanagers who micromanage through their direct reports. Especially non-confrontational senior execs.
Thanks Tim. You make me think about the power of culture and that culture building begins from the top.
In some professions control freakery is considered a massive positive thing. In places were blind, unthinking compliance with rules and regulations is a driving force, control freaks are the gold medal managers.
Thanks Mitch. The conversation about the healthy side of control must include highly regulated industries. I wonder if there is a difference between exercising control and being controlling?
I think what happens is that exercising control is perceived as good, so more control is better, and you get to tightly control every aspect of everything, because more is always better, right?
It’s actually very simple, how to deal with a control freak:
Confront them with a material and relevant issue that they know they can’t control … usually a technical issue that YOU can …
They are quick to delegate … and try to undermine you … be vigilant, even as you persevere.
Thanks Rurbane. Battling with a control freak leader creates winners and losers. I can see where this might work in the short-term.
I couldn’t help but think that simple and easy are two different things.
Simple … is the RESOLUTION of the complexity … EASY is the cliche …
Resistance will intensify their controlling nature. Avoiding negative behaviours such as time wasting (idle chat) which triggers micro managing and focusing on the work at hand can help greatly.
Thanks Gerry. The phrase ‘do your job and do it well’ comes to mind.
I am thankful to be leaving a position where I will no longer be under the authority of
the Most Intense Control Freak I have ever workef for…Sometimes I feel like my autonomic system (breathing!) is being hacked..ha…
My take away is to address any wacky control impulses I myself might have
and “Nip them in the bud”…. I have worked with great supervisors in the past..
so I believe I can recognize severe dysfunction at this later point in my life.
Thanks for your comment, Debra. It’s encouraging to see that you’re making the best of a painful situation. Congratulations for choosing to NOT be like a control freak.