I Had a Boss Who Poisoned Relationships
Every word you say to yourself and others matters.
Gossiping manager:
I had a boss who poisoned relationships. She bad-mouthed support staff. My mirror neurons made it natural to agree.
Gossip ignites tension.
It wasn’t right but I agreed with her bad-mouthing because she was my boss. I didn’t have enough personal authenticity to speak my mind.
When your boss complains to you about others, you take up an offense that isn’t yours.
Pollution:
Gossip pollutes your life when you take up an offense. Think of it. You get mad at people you don’t know or might not work with.
Negativity that resides in your mind pollutes your heart.
Suppose you hear a group of married men bad-mouthing their wives. If you aren’t careful, you end up disliking people you don’t know.
Why is some gossip more damaging?
Liking matters:
When you allow someone’s words to poison your mind about a person, that person becomes less trustworthy to you. You question their integrity.
Gossip is damaging because you tend to agree with people you like and disbelieve people you don’t like.
I have a friend who has “complained” about his wife to me but it doesn’t feel harmful. I have another friend who complains about his wife and it feels like poison.
One friend doesn’t seem to like his wife. The other friend loves his wife.
Lingering stink:
People misjudge you because they heard something bad about you. Those judgments cling like skunk spray.
Misjudgments stick when gossip pollutes your mind. People get branded. It doesn’t matter how wrong those judgments are.
What makes some gossip more damaging?
How do you address negative issues without being a gossip?
I have a staff member poisoning the team. I myself would have let this person go a long time ago. Our director is postponing the decision for no known reason to me. It has been exhausting.
Dan, great article. There is so much truth to the saying “You can’t unring a bell”. Like you, when I was younger it was just easier to agree with the one gossiping, but I have since learned how damaging that can be to the person being gossiped about and to me for allowing it to happen. Being older and wiser now, I have no problem speaking up when I hear gossip to stop it quickly. I truly enjoy your daily emails, thanks!
Whenever there is something I dislike, I try to come with a solution and volunteer to be part of the solution.
Dan, the timing of this article is perfect! Any suggestions for those of us trying to help the staff who is the “victim” of the gossip? I’m fairly confident another supervisor’s gossip is responsible for the way their staff is treating my staff member. It’s definitely putting a strain on everyone and making work difficult. Thanks for your thoughts!
Call it out when you see it or hear it Sarah. “Have you talked to this person about it? Lets go see them now!” I learned this trick from Dan… 😉
I was really hoping you were going to provide some suggestions for tactful ways to push back when hearing uncomfortable gossip 🙂 If anyone has suggestions I’m all ears!
Thank you Dan for your insights. I find this topic challenging as gossip is common in the work place and sometimes speaking up without knowing all the facts can start others gossiping about you and alienating you at the same time.
I’ve taken the opportunity to address with each staff member “Has there been a time when you felt or witnessed bulling or gossip?” “How do you feel it’s impacted our team?” “What are some steps you can take to help build trust?” I would not have been brave enough to bring this up had it not been for these posts. I feel it’s opened a dialogue. Thank you