You Judge Others by the Stories You Tell Yourself About Them
The story you tell yourself feels true even when it’s false.
We all judge. You help people be themselves when you judge them by who they are, not the story in your head.
On judgement and stories:
A friend of mine missed a meeting to go to a birthday party. Normally he’s a rock of reliability. Frankly, I was surprised and just a little disappointed.
I trust him. I let it go. I heard the rest of the story two weeks later.
My friend was invited to the birthday party to be part of a small group of mentors who had deeply impacted a former college student. I felt embarrassed that I had judged him.
I told myself a story and judged him by it.
Ass-u-me:
The story you tell yourself about others is filled with assumptions. When you assume, you make an ass out of “u” and me.
The story you tell yourself about others is about their motives. Beware of sentences that begin with, “That’s because….”
Assumptions:
You often impose your own fears, expectations, or suppositions on others. Fearful leaders assume threat, for example.
- Use track records to test assumptions. Are they often unreliable or are they a rock?
- Check your assumptions and confirm your concerns.
- Don’t ask questions that begin with “why”. A “why question” feels like an accusation. “Why did you miss the meeting?”
- Give people a chance to tell their story. “I missed you the other day.” (Pause)
Most people have good intentions. They want good for themselves and desire to do good for others. I bet you didn’t wake up thinking, “How can I be a jerk today?”
You probably have had a story based on negative assumptions, only to feel embarrassed when you heard the rest of the story.
How might leaders manage the stories they tell themselves about others?
I am trying to train myself to tell good stories. A car just blew past me because … maybe his wife just went into labor for their first child … maybe she learned her child is in the emergency room … maybe he is a volunteer fire fighter … etc. I naturally assume a negative story and I want to give people the benefit of the doubt and I seem to have plenty of doubt.
Thanks Duane. No one had to teach me how to tell negative stories to myself.
Dan, I love to tell folks the story of my best friend (now). At a point in my career his actions/inaction left me in a quandary on regular basis. Thinking he was lazy or simply lacked attention to detail, he drove me CRAZY! Several months later, he took a job in another department and the interaction with him made a 180 turn. Through getting to know him, his issue was actually being caused by the supervisor in his prior role. He wasn’t NOT doing things for any reason other than it was what he had to work with; or as my Grandad used to say, “they have me chicken $h!t and they expected me to make chicken salad.
The moral of the store (as you appropriately pointed out) is to get to know the person, ask questions, understand where they’re coming from and you might find out why they do what they do.
Thanks for the head slap Dan. We just had a chief leave who was not well liked. After I read this it occurred to me we are still talking about the guy. Did I ever sit down with him and ask him why was he the way he was? Not once. Judge not least ye be Judged. ouch
Great post, Dan!
I was wondering on point 3, what would be your approach to beginning that conversation?
Most people answer a why? w/ a “how” answer anyway, so it’s usually a conversation misdirected, or turned confrontational if you actually press for the why.
Best to start w/ #4 loaded with your because issue …
Missed you because we needed you(r) input, worldview, feedback, etc.
That gives them an opportunity to proffer both their story (It’s importance) AND a practical reconciliation.
We are usually intuitive in the areas of our strengths–that’s where we make our judgments. If I’m always on time, I’ll be critical of others when they are late. But if I’m frequently forgetful, I will conversely give people slack for their lapse of memory. Like the women caught in adultery, “let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
For as you judge so shall you be judged. Good reminder, do I judge people without knowing them? Do I have the same faults but hide them better?
A good story I tell is about standing in a long grocery line, when the person behind me bumped into me, but didn’t apologize. I decided to ignore it and didn’t even turn around, thinking, “what a complete jerk.” The person bumped me again, and I decided to take the high road and again ignored it. The third time the person really bumped me hard, so I turned around to tell them off, and saw a young person in his electric wheelchair having difficulty with the controls. He looked at me in distress, and mumbled “I’m so sorry” as he got his wheelchair in line. I really learned to hold judgment that day, and I am so grateful I didn’t jump to speak too soon.
Trust (your instincts … to ask), but
Verify (with all humility … to know).
I often remind my kids: You aren’t a superhero with an evil nemesis whose life’s work is to destroy you (cue the “bwah-hah-hah-hahs” and rubbing of hands). So when someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, take a deep breath and remember: that person didn’t wake up today planning to annoy you.
From HBR:
July 19, 2018
Choose to Be Kind to Someone Who Annoys You
When someone you work with annoys you all the time, chances are you assume the worst about them — and that mindset shows up in your behavior. But it’s important to be civil, and even compassionate, to colleagues, both because so much work is collaborative and because that coworker probably isn’t annoying you on purpose. Try to short-circuit your reactions toward them by making yourself do or say something nice. For example, you could compliment them on an idea they raised in a meeting, or offer to help out with a project. Or say your colleague arrives late — yet again — to the weekly team standup. Don’t complain or roll your eyes, and don’t be passive-aggressive with a comment like, “Nice of you to join us.” (That may be your instinct, but fight it.) Instead, say something like, “Welcome. Grab a cup of coffee and we’ll get you up to speed.” This type of generosity of spirit is good for you and your colleague.
Adapted from “How to Develop Empathy for Someone Who Annoys You,” by Rebecca Knight