Dear Dan: I Can’t Stop Helping People
Dear Dan,
I work late because I’m being helpful to people on my team. How can I stop helping too much?
Sincerely,
Too Helpful
(Question after a recent presentation.)
Dear Too,
The desire to help is both useful and dangerous.
When you help too much you:
- Create dependency rather than empowerment by doing someone’s job for them.
- Neglect talent and creativity in others.
- Become indispensable. Successful leaders make themselves dispensable.
- Let people take advantage of your generosity.
- Avoid conflict.
- Need to be liked and refuse to set boundaries.
- Resent the people you serve.
Over-help is a trap:
Once you’re in the trap of over-helping, it feels like you can’t stop. You don’t dare to say no. It’s easier to help than to face their negative reaction when you don’t.
Redefine help:
Over-help is doing someone’s job for them. Helpful-help is:
- Removing obstacles.
- Helping people find their own solutions. (Coaching)
- Noticing a teammate’s strengths. “I’ve seen you be creative in other situations. What does your creative self suggest right now?”
- Suggesting connections. “Mary might have some ideas. Why don’t you touch base with her?”
- Asking, “Who might know?”
- Giving direction or information. Perhaps you need to point the way and release your team members.
- Staying connected. “Drop in and let me know how things are going.”
- Giving permission. Timid employees just need permission.
- Identifying the next step. Employees feel paralyzed by big problems or goals. They’re afraid of failure. Ask, “What’s the next small step?”
- Celebrating progress. “Keep going!”
New response:
Don’t rush to help.
Ask, “What have you tried?”, when someone comes for help. Let people know you expect them to do their job.
If they haven’t tried anything, ask what they might try.
Bonus: Read Turn the Ship Around by David Marquet.
What suggestions do you have for leaders who help too much?
Great post! Thanks for the “help” in defining and explaining this issue.
Thanks Joan. I find that being kind and helpful needs a little clarification. 🙂
Great point and one that I have found to be true for many of my coaching clients, especially woment leaders. In Eneagram there is a style called “Helper.” As in most of these styles the helper personality does so because they get gratification or recognition for so doing. Also this style can overdo this gift….helping too much even when it may not be wanted. Stopping to think about why you are helping is key…is it self-serving in some way, how it may or may not be perceived as help and as you so accurately describe, asking if it is helping the person grow in abilities and confidence rather than their working independently. So it can be complex as to why a person may be helping. Non-Helper types usually don’t have problems with these boundaries.
Thanks Gerri. Figuring out why we do something can take time. I can see why it’s valuable. Maybe I’m helping because I need to be liked. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of conflict. The real work begins after I’ve identified a reason behind the behavior.
My analogy is feeding a stray cat. You feed one, he becomes dependent then he brings his pal’s then you are feeding them too and next thing you know, you are a crazy cat lady who has no life of her own, you are just caring for lost and needy strays.
Love it, Don. The monkey illustration is another. Frankly, the cat illustration is hilarious.
WOW! Two days in a row I feel like I have to comment.
THIS again hit the nail on the head.
I am printing and posting in my secret drawer.
I will utilize your suggestions.
THANK YOU for knowing just what is needed.
Thanks Amanda. We aim to please! 😉
Dear too Helpful,
Depends on what is fulfillment for you that you enjoy, or find disliking?
Over worked is over worked!
Perhaps you need to define what is your time and time for others.
As Dan Mentions ” Don’t do their jobs”!
We have to challenge them to “think on their own”, the spoon feeding needs to stop!
Leave the cat’s outside, let someone else feed them!
Work on your comfort zone!
Thanks Tim. Love the suggestion of exploring what is fulfilling. What’s fulfilling about work or helping. How can you engage in fulfilling activities without going too far?
The one angle I don’t see addressed is over commitment/time management. Baling someone out once is being a friend. Baling them out repeatedly is being a doormat – you get the work and late nights while they get the recognition.
Questions to ask for this problem might include: 1) Sounds like you’ve over committed again. What are you doing to correct this habit? 2) Have you talked to (manager’s name) about this yet? 3) How did you plan to get all this work done and still meet deadlines?
If the other person truly needs help with time management and over commitment, you (and, hopefully, the manager) can help coach them through their difficulty. If they are actually abusing their team members’ good will, they will recognize that you see through their scheme and go elsewhere for their help (something you might want to war your teammates about).
…and if you’re doing the work for everybody on the team, it’s time for some assertiveness training.
Dear Dan,
An interesting post pushing one to think further how best to avoid it! Your suggestive steps are quite practical and implementable.
We can add two more things to the list of corrective actions.
1. Avoid saying ‘yes’ to everyone! In our anxiety to be useful, we try to share the responsibilities of others. Be selective and extend your help only in difficult times!
2. We have the basic desire of getting a faster recognition by way of promotion with creating good impression of knowing many things and liked by fellow colleagues. A wrong myth!
We need to be the best in our assigned role and our results should speak for our abilities and capabilities. Have a learning aptitude but don’t overburden with avoidable workload of others!
Great post, it’s interesting that when you think you are doing the right thing you could actually be doing the opposite. I’m really interested in the impact of intention as I’m learning that it seldom turns out how you think it will.
I recommend The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay-Stanier