The Scariest Thing about Introverts
Introverts drive extroverts crazy. Or should I say, extroverts drive introverts crazy?
“… 65% of senior corporate executives viewed introversion as a barrier to leadership…” (HBR)
The blank stare:
The scariest thing about an introvert is the blank stare that comes over their face when they’re thinking. It looks like displeasure, dislike, even disdain, to an extrovert.
Extroverts are noisy thinkers. They think while they talk. Introverts get quiet.
Introverts intimidate extroverts. It seems like they’re disinterested or resistant when they’re just thinking.
Tips for navigating introversion and extroversion:
- Be sensitive to a tendency to over-value extrovert leaders.
- Introversion and extroversion aren’t strengths and weaknesses. It’s who you are.
- Expect disciplined thought from introverts.
- Leverage the listening skills of introverts. Talk less and listen more if you’re an extrovert.
- Gather spontaneous ideas from extroverts.
- Give introverts time to think things over. A blank stare means they’re thinking.
- Extroverts enjoy public praise. Introverts often shun the limelight.
Suggestions for introverts:
I see different numbers for the ratio of introvert to extrovert. But extroverts tend to run the show.
- Give yourself recharge-time. Schedule and protect alone-time.
- Express your need to think. “Let me think that over. I’ll get back to you tomorrow.”
- Stretch your collaboration muscles. Avoid dropping final answers on unsuspecting victims.
- Beware of frustration and bitterness. People may disappoint you because YOU haven’t expressed what you want.
Introvert advantage:
In a dynamic, unpredictable environment, introverts are often more effective leaders – particularly when workers are proactive, offering ideas for improving the business.
Such behavior can make extroverted leaders feel threatened. In contrast, introverted leaders tend to listen more carefully and show greater receptivity to suggestions, making them more effective leaders of vocal teams. (Adam Grant, Francesca Gino, David Hoffman)
What suggestions do you have for introverted leaders? extroverted leaders?
What dangers should introverts/extroverts be aware of, when it comes to their natural tendencies?
Great stuff! I definitely am more of an introvert but have learned how to step outside my comfort zones in certain instances. I think the biggest challenge is found in strategy meetings with 8-10 people…with the majority being extroverts. It is often difficult to first get a word in and second to “think on my feet”. As you alluded to, I also find it helpful when time is provided to ponder the issue, problem, strategy, etc. So for me, typically at my quietest in these type of meetings.
Thanks Derek. I’m glad you joined in. I think it’s important for people who lead meetings to invite the quiet members to chime in…as long as they aren’t constantly putting them on the spot.
Leaders might say to an introvert, “Bob, I’m interested in what you have to say on this topic.” Another strategy might be to assign an agenda item to each person around the table. They lead the discuss and also prepare the introductory remarks.
Just some thoughts. Cheers
Saying “Bob, I’m interested in what you have to say on this topic.” is kind of bad actually. Everybody knows that it is a polite way of saying “Bob, we don’t hear anything from you”. Much better if you assign minutes or make a sequence for people to speak up in a team. Based on my observation, most extroverted people take advantage of the meeting by dominating the conversation so having the designated minute for people to speak up is a good way for introverts to not get overwhelmed.
I am an introvert leader…I find that I often compensate for this in my interactions. For example, I pre-plan as much as I can before heading into a meeting. This way I know what I want to say, I prepare how to say it, and then I deliver my thoughts. I’m not great at on-the-fly planning and decision making. When issues arise during a meeting for which I am unprepared, I will offer to circle back around to address them, which gives me time to think and consider. I do also recognize my “weakness” in this regard and I work to push and strengthen myself. I think the main thing is balance: if I am introverted, then I try to grow in the verbalizing of my thoughts and decisions and in my interactions with others. If I were extroverted, I would need to learn to be considerate and appreciative of my introvert coworkers and give them time, place and space to grow and be who they are.
Thanks Justin. Hats of to you for seeing your strengths and weaknesses AND for taking control of your life as much as possible.
I find the planned response, “Let me circle back with you on that this afternoon.” is great for relieving pressure and also instilling confidence in others.
Dan, you said in your post that introversion and extroversion are neither strengths nor weaknesses, with which I wholehearted agree. Yet, in your reply to Justin you seem to be reinforcing his self-assessment of weakness.
Hey Richard. Thanks for pointing this out. Introversion and extroversion are natural traits. We are born that way. In that sense they aren’t strengths or weaknesses. However. introverts and extroverts have strengths and weaknesses.
I like the idea that introversion or extroversion are who you are. Strengths and skills can be developed.
Introverts/extroverts develop their strengths, but they are who they are. It shouldn’t be considered a strength or weakness. Glad you jumped in.
This is so relevant to my years in ad agencies and
equal opportunity for exchange between the introverts and the extroverts. Various techniques allowed everyone to feel comfortable and to contribute—such as storyboarding (the Disney version), refraining from labeling ideas as keepers and not trampling on others’ ideas, and designating a specific time for everyone to retreat and reconvene. More than once, I was quiet during a session (lost in thought) then at the end, and to everyone’s surprise, blurted out a theme which was chosen for the campaign.
Thanks Carole. Your story is so powerful. Show respect and give people time to think things over and you’ll get some quality ideas. Brilliant.
I’ve heard the difference between introverts and extroverts best explained not by how outgoing vs. quiet they are but comparing where people get their “energy” from. Extroverts thrive on other people, enjoy crowds while introverts tend to expend energy in those types of situations. As an introvert this is true for me. But what is also true is that speaking up and speaking out is ok – just don’t ask me to do it all the time.
Great post, it’s important to highlight the strengths of both.
Ditto that, Rick … much more important to understand than “appearances,” which to introverts is NOT (truly) reality, while for extroverts it IS (truer than anything else), especially if decisions are being made …
Also, extroverts are far more likely to be immersed in the moment, the present reality (presentism) while introverts are most often triangulating past, present and future (this internal process generates their energy, largely self-sufficient).
You can see why they can infuriate one another if they aren’t aware of these biases, their own – or the Others’ – genuine dialogue is key to energizing a great relationship.
Thanks Rick. The source of energy is the same thing I read. Introverts find energy by looking within. Extroverts find energy by looking without.
Thanks for your observation re: asking for an introverts contribution. I’ll add that I often ask, “What’s coming to mind for you?” I’ve been told this question frees people from expecting a final thought.
Dan, you made me chuckle with the blank stare comment.
I shared this one with my HR co-workers. We have a larger number of introverted leaders and many of us in HR are actually introverted or walk the line between introversion and extroversion.
As an introvert, I have learned to show engagement by asking a lot of questions. If I feel I can give a good response or my response is desired, I will say something like, “my first reaction is …” or “I’m just brainstorming here …”. This sets it up so I can back out of it later which I may do after I’ve had more time to ponder and do some research.
It’s taken me several years to feel comfortable speaking up with ideas in the moment.
Thanks Lucille. The technique of asking questions is a strategy that serves leaders well. It definitely lets people know that you are paying attention.
Love how you preface spontaneous remarks. Wonderful technique.
This post rings so true to a “recovered introvert!” Throughout my career, there was often a “tortoise and hare” relationship between the more vocal and more active -sometimes peripatetic- extroverts and the more thoughtful, deliberate problem-solving approach of introverts like me. I had to learn how to diplomatically and strategically “make my voice heard” and overcome the inertia generated by extroverts driving the decision-making process. Leaders need to learn to discern the difference between activity and accomplishment. Often, problems were dropped in my lap after the extroverts had tried a “quick, cheap and simple” solution that failed. Excellent analysis of these personality traits from a leadership perspective!
Thanks Jim. It’s great to see a real world illustration of frustrations that might emerge between intros and extros.
I’m glad you put “recovering introvert” in quotes. We are who we are. We also serve others and serve ourselves well when we learn to adapt to others.
Right on. So many judge us introvert but I use it to my advantage. In a internal struggle I had a real type 1 egotistical jerk. He did not consider me a threat in the power struggle going on. He never knew what hit him. Document document document and then calmly drop it all at the right time and place. Extroverts do a lousy job documenting. Of course with love always with love…
Thanks Walt. One of my biggest leadership blunders was underestimating introverts. Quiet isn’t weak.
You also bring out that introverts are thorough. Extroverts generally aren’t as good with details as introverts.
When we speak of extroverts and introverts, what we’re really talking about is their energy and, more specifically, where it comes from and how it is renewed. Extroverts get their energy from the outside world. Introverts get their energy from within. That’s why moments of solitude are so important to them when they need to recharge their batteries. It’s quite likely that most leaders and team members do not understand the real meaning behind each of these qualities. As an exceedingly outgoing introvert, I can vouch for the importance of both in a team and would encourage each energy type to better understand what’s really going on. Fear, disdain, hiding behind questions rather than expressing one’s point of view, and superficial barriers to what could be effective leadership are a heavy price to pay for misunderstanding and stereotypes.
You are so right on. I will add this as a leader. First it is our job to make sure everyone gets the opportunity to provide their input. Second is we need to find a way to get the team to understand the value of everyone’s input. I am reading a book (Quiet Influence) right now that does a good job at that.
Thanks Kim. My reading validates your observations. I keep going back to showing respect and honoring individual strengths. This approach has revolutionized my approach to people.
Our society glorifies the extroverted leader and sometimes the strongman who exudes all the negative aspects of extroversion. Because of this bias, society gives the extroverted leader more of a chance and even excuses for bad leadership or even repugnant behaviour. Now being quiet … well I’ve heard, at the very worst, that I might go postal because I’m quiet. Yup … open your eyes and see who the targets are in your workplace … the ones that are sacrificed for someone’s ego … I guarantee that most are introverts sacrificed for the ego of a rogue extrovert. This isn’t ‘it happens every once in awhile’ scenario … this behaviour permeates our society. Listen for ‘that’s business’ or ‘it’s the law of the jungle’, ‘because that’s the way society works’. Well to have a civil society one must act civilized and not to the lowest common detonator; the laws of the jungle. That’s uncivilized. So let’s improve society and treat introverts not as some perverse mental disordered person that needs to be shunned, ignored and sacrificed ‘for the good of the company’ to stroke some fragile extrovert’s ego.
Thanks Michael. I can’t vouch for your observations. What I can say is that in the past I underestimated and under-valued introverts. I don’t do that anymore.
Great book called “Quiet” by Susan Cain helped me value my introversion!
Thanks Cheryl. Yes, Susan’s book is great. I just read The Introvert Advantage by Laney.
You made some great points with this post, Dan. I find interviewing introverts to be an interesting experience. They normally think before they respond to a question. Some extroverts may think that they just don’t have an answer or are trying to make something up, but usually when the introvert replies, it is a complete, provocative thought. The same thing if the introvert is the new kid on the team…. he will be quiet and may speak once he has thought over the question…. with pretty good answers!
Thanks Lisa. Absolutely. Give Introverts time to think. I’ve found it’s important to allow for quiet in a conversation. That can be tough for a talker. 🙂
This was excellent and very helpful insight. I’m generally more introverted and have learned over multiple years to formulate my thoughts and use framing to help summarize meetings. But I always wondered why the Sales Team leads had to say everything outloud, multiple times, while planning strategic customer approach. Now it makes sense!
Extroverts see the glass half full, and need to fill that vacuum with everyone else’s affirmation of their worldview …
Introverts see the glass half empty, and need to qualify what’s in it to be sure whatever fills it out doesn’t do more harm than good …
The rest of us (who refuse to be identified as either as our inherent character) just wish we could get them from talking across one another and realize that the glass may be too big, will take too long to fill, and who is paying for it, anyway?
I believe that leaders could be more effective if they learnt human behaviour, this way they can mould their approach to fit the needs of employees and work environment more effectively.
Interesting…vw
Thanks for sharing your insights. The area of introverts as leaders is one I spend a lot of time on in my executive coaching. As an introvert myself (SC in DISC terms) I can relate to the concerns introverted leaders have operating in an extroverted world.
To help them value what they naturally bring to the leadership space, I often draw their attention to Jim Collins’ work in Good to Great where he refers to Level 5 leadership as the ‘most evolved’ level. What’s interesting is that many of the aspects of Level 5 leadership (humility; striving for the good of the team or organisation rather than personal reward; ability to work on your own etc.) are traits of introverts.
In Collins’ view, based on his research, many of the great organisations and teams are led by Level 5 leaders. The way they operate is in many ways ‘natural’ for those who are more introverted. The fact that they go about this in a quiet, unassuming way means they aren’t as exciting and sexy as companies led by more extroverted leaders – so don’t get the column inches they deserve. But they are out there doing their thing, very successfully.
Ultimately, it’s not about either introversion or extroversion being right our wrong, it’s just about valuing the difference each brings.
The scariest thing about Extroverts is that they often co-opt the successes of others and corrupt “us and ours” ethics with “me and mine” prerogatives.
This “power games” dynamic repeats time and again, even at the best led and most successful companies (and families, too). Introverts tend to be slow/reluctant to adapt when a frenzy gets underway.
No wonder Introverts get evasive (in body language) and quiet (in energy) when getting/demanding attention (the cult of personality) and “Just trust me,” (for immediate results) becomes the norm.
Btw, evolution (in physics and in psyche) is the inexorable progression to increased complexity/chaos,
not necessarily to a higher plane of consciousness, comprehension or mastery … this is a common misapprehension of the human condition (as suggested by “most evolved”).
I would like to know more ways an introvert can conduct themselves in a company meeting with a team of extroverts. I am the only female/introvert manager with all extrovert male managers in the meeting. I liked the, “let me circle back around to that’ approach and ” my first reaction/ just brain storming here” strategy. Any others?
Unless, I have an agenda a head of time, I am usually caught off guard. Everyone excuses my quietness in the meetings because I’m good at what I do. I would like to be more dynamic. But, randomly calling on me in a meeting, on a topic I’m not prepared for often leaves me tongue tied.
Introverts are often times perceived as stuck up or conceited but that is usually the farthest thing from the truth. Understanding our personalities helps us step out of our comfort zone and be heard.
Thanks for posting this, Dan. I particularly appreciated “Stretch your collaboration muscles. Avoid dropping final answers on unsuspecting victims.” I need to do this more. I’m one of those very introverted leaders… who can’t get enough public recognition. 🙂
As an introvert leader, I also find myself surrounded by extroverts in most meetings.I think it is critical for all leaders to understand and appreciate the differences in these styles, as it will improve organizational effectiveness.
Some of my experiences:
I have often been challenged (by extroverts) to speak up sooner in meetings as they “truly value my input”. They struggle to understand that it isn’t a shyness issue, but that I am generating my thoughts internally… speaking up sooner wouldn’t produce the same valuable input from me.
Listening to extroverts develop their thoughts as they speak is actually a very helpful part of my thinking process. Very often I am able to piece together the many thoughts streaming from the mouths of multiple “competing” extroverts in a meeting and formulate quietly a fully constructed recommendation that is valued by the entire group.
One drawback of my thinking process happens when a meeting is dominated by extroverts who quickly rush toward a solution and become set on an option before some of us introverts have had time to provide any input at all. I’ve found myself in several situations where some extroverts have become defensive when my input is offered “too late” and they feel that I am challenging their position. In fact, the problem is that they developed a “position” prematurely, before all the options were on the table. Ego clashes like this could be avoided if there was a better understanding and appreciation for the difference in these styles.
… and I completely agree that we are who we are. I have learned many skills that help me look like an extrovert when it benefits me to do so… but I still process my best ideas silently in my head and I am drained by extensive social interaction, rather than energized. That’s who I am.
Nice… I’m that classic introvert thinker. I once had a long-time client who was an extrovert corporate coach who told me he was afraid to introduce me to his clients – Why? He gave three reasons; i. you’re too blunt in your appraisal of a business, ii. you’d care more about their businesses than most of them would and iii. your ability to identify the root problems and hard choice solutions would be beyond most of them… you just think at a level many of them can’t think at (his words, not mine).
The capacity to lead is not an issue of intro or extroversion, although I do believe that companies with a high profile public face do much better with an extrovert in the hot seat… However, I also think that these same leaders would do well to select introverts as coaches and advisors. The reason simply is that introverts tend to not want the front job; are quite happy playing important roles behind the scenes. Whereas an extrovert counterpart is likely looking for ways to usurp their leader… food for thought.
Every person whether he/she is extrovert or introvert can show the best sides on leader position or become ignored by team members. I have to admit that not only the temperament of leader means something, but also who are team members. If all of them work in harmony then the temperament will not play a huge role in relationships, I think.
introverts express themselves true writing, because they love quiet places so they think while they write, but mostly in riddles
they are also good writers
Nice writeup… I’ve learned how to balance the introverted part of me… thanks
As a highly sensitive introvert, it took ageing and maturity for me to understand and finally tolerate my highly extroverted friends. Now I understand they must be allowed to be noisy. They just MUST gather ( Shows, Church, Parties, Programs etc) and make noise(oops, that should be ‘talk’) I am now convinced that even if Jesus Christ reappears and declare that he never told Christians to gather and have dance and noisespree(praise and worship) my extrovert friends will still gather flocks and tell em Jesus thinks we are still in 2000 yrs-ago- era. “Sombaaady make a joyfuuulll noooiiissseee”