The Shocking Truth about Disrespect and How to Overcome It
Nearly 80% of people who feel disrespected are less committed*.
Those who aren’t committed find fault.
Those who are committed find a way.
It might feel good to ‘put people in their place,’ but the consequences of disrespect aren’t worth the pleasures of feeling superior.
Disrespect inflames. You can get along with people who disagree, but you can’t tolerate feeling disrespected.
Feeling disrespected results in:
- Armoring up.
- Closed minds.
- Self-justification.
- Attack.
- Isolation.
Definition:
Respect is approval.
To show respect is to look on someone or something with approval. Praise is a form of approval. Glory is an intensified form of approval. A little boy saluting his dad a recent Toyota commercial is showing approval.
You’ve worked to feel approval most of your life.
- A smiley face on a school paper in first grade.
- Cheers from dad when you scored a goal.
- A ‘well done’ from a boss.
We spend our lives gaining enough self-awareness to overcome the need for approval. Receiving approval might become less necessary, but it feels mighty fine.
3 powers of giving approval:
#1. Approval sets direction.
People move toward approval and away from disapproval.
You tell people what to do next when you praise what they last did.
#2. Approval solidifies expectation.
You might expect people to show up on time, but you solidify expectation when you honor showing up on time.
The problem of expectation is it’s expected. You give respect when people exceed expectations and ignore them when they meet expectation.
Honoring the expectation of promptness is saying, “Thanks for being here on time. Let’s get started.”
#3. Approval invites connection.
Don’t expect to connect with people you disrespect.
Who works harder? Someone who feels connected or someone who feels disrespected?
Today’s leadership challenge: Find ways to express approval.
What prevents leaders from showing approval?
What are some expressions of approval?
Today’s leadership challenge: Find ways to express approval.
What prevents leaders from showing approval? Corporate policy’s can be difficult to maneuver showing favoritism or offering gifts that may cause animosity amongst the crew. Some gifts can be considered bribery, so tread lightly!
What are some expressions of approval?
Posting notes from clients were everyone can see, praising the individuals for a job well done! .
Smile and tell them they did a good job. Share a Pizza or lunch with the crew. A simple refreshment does wonders. Bonus in their paycheck. Sticky note on their paperwork expressing your appreciation for their accomplishments. Ask them what they need to accomplish their jobs in a smother transition, perhaps special tools, software, Apps for their phones, etc.
Thanks Tim. You are so right. I’ve worked with Union shops and giving rewards to one is not acceptable. We have to get creative. The second paragraph you write is helpful. If you can’t honor one then find ways to honor the team.
If there’s one word I hear most often from management and staff, it’s “Disrespect”. Everyone knows what they mean by it — and how they wish to be treated — but there is a lot less thought and energy put into how each person may be perceived as being disrespectful to others. Mgmt. usually says they’re only holding people accountable; Direct Reports usually say its the ‘way’ they were told vs the actual correction or directive. It all boils down to understanding how you’re setting each other off. The first step may be to literally ask people what they mean by ‘disrespect’ and put on the table how both parties are viewed by each other — especially if disrespect was clearly not intended — and try to come to an agreement about changes: “I’ll be careful of my tone when we’re in a difficult situation…..I’ll tell you I’m feeling the conversation is getting personal vs. professional…”. It’s a start.
Thanks Mary Ellen. We might step in the right direction if we ask, “What makes you feel respected?” and then listen closely to the answer. (Which would be respectful.)
“What prevents leaders from showing approval?”
If the leader is a person who is strongly internally motivated, it sometimes takes conscious effort to realize and meet the “feedback needs” of others who expect more affirmation. This has been especially true for me as a baby-boomer who was raised by my industrial engineer father to show up early, work harder than required and always do my best, look for ways to improve the work, and be humble about my own accomplishments. It took me a while to realize how important regular “expressions of approval” from leadership were for some folks.
To some extent, the respect vs. commitment issue seems to be a chicken / egg proposition: Those who need the most affirmation are often the least motivated “high maintenance” workers, while the most committed tend to be self-motivated and need less of what I used to call “continuous positive pressure,” i.e. a constant pat on the back to keep them going strong.
Another great post!
Thanks Jim. You brought clarity to an important issue. I’ve never been able to articulate our reluctance to give approval like you did in that first paragraph. You’re so right. I’m motivated from the inside. I don’t need you to acknowledge me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy it. But I’m going to do what I think is right regardless of who pats me on the back.
Because i don’t need it, I don’t feel others need it either. This is self-limiting.
To add to your second paragraph. The danger of having highly motivated people is they get neglected. They aren’t squeaking. It’s important to spend time with the high performers.
So right on. I was raised by a hard tough timber logger Dad. WWII and the depression made him tough. You have to be first to the job site and the last to leave. Family issues were dealt with in the winter after the snow flies. At first (in the 80’s) that worked for me and then as a young leader it was “the way”. Sometime in the early 90’s that stopped and I had to relearn how to lead. I am glad I did. I would probably be dead from a stroke by now and surly not still married. Good post
Thanks for your story Walt. Nothing like some real work transparency to help everyone see the light. Cheers
Exchange the word ‘approval’ for ‘acceptance’ and it becomes the #1 need that drives our behavior and shapes our world. Extending acceptance to others is the byproduct of experiencing it for ourselves. #liveloved
Thanks Rhonda. It seems that acceptance is a bigger word than approval. You can accept someone or something but not approve. But you can’t approve without accepting. thanks again
Yes, yes, yes. Everything you said.
People who complain about being disrespected are often not respecting what can seem like small things. Things like always arriving late to a meeting, using cell phone in meeting, leaving meetings/conversations early, looking at email while someone is talking to them, not getting back to someone. Basic human courtesy is respectful, like saying hello, keeping a door open, wishing someone a pleasant evening. When’s the last time a manager said thank you to staff as the day ends, or thanked someone for being engaged when the manager knows there are things going on at home that could easily pull them away. Employees are people, not robots. Everyone, at every level needs to feel respected.
I think some leaders use the “I’m busy” excuse way too much. We need to stop benchmarking ourselves against “busy”. We need to be more efficient, delegate, and get out there and talk to people. Imagine the boost a leader can give someone by saying they are giving them an assignment because they value their capability, creativity, or attention to detail. You just know, this employee is going to knock it out of the park. Imagine if a leader remembered the name of your spouse or kids or your favorite whatever. People connect to that and when they connect they want to please and give their best effort.
Thanks Lucille. The comments today are spectacular.
Perhaps the “I’m busy,” excuse is symptomatic of not showing enough approval. 🙂 If we showed approval a little more, maybe others would perform better and we wouldn’t be so busy. Just a thought.
Marvelous post, Dan. What strikes me about the disrespect/approval paradigm is that it is NOT just confined to the workplace. Research shows that Respect is one of the top three if not the top need expressed by males, and Security for females (very possibly Respect expressed differently, given that they do tend to express many things differently than we men do). So your post highlights a number of things that would go a long way to improve two-way relationships in our parenting, marriages, as well as in the workplace (among everyone, not just from leadership). This Practiced Behavior (http://wp.me/p2k440-5n) might be best considered more an achievable personal attribute than a desired workplace skill. Thanks once again!
Thanks Jim. Glad you jumped in. Thanks for extending the conversation. Your post is a great read.
What prevents leaders from showing approval? This could be lack of training on good leadership skills and how to manage people effectively.
This one is interesting because I never thought about feeling disrespect and their being a potential root cause in observing a lack of commitment. There is definite truth in how a behavior can affect all aspects of someone’s work. A bad attitude or feeling disrespecting can close your mind to different solutions that are unconventional. Attitude is everything, it can get you out of a tough situation or make it much worse. I also am in favor of displaying approval at appropriate times, you don’t want to set the bar low. Expectations need to be higher than norm for admiration in my opinion.