My Disappointing Adventure with Humility
Three years ago I took the VIA Survey of Character Strengths and Virtues. I received a ranked list of twenty-four character traits.
The top of the list represented qualities and traits that are natural and easy for me. The bottom of the list represented strengths and virtues that don’t come naturally.
I’m naturally good at creativity, bravery, honesty, curiosity, and leadership. Forgiveness was #19. I can forgive you, but it takes work.
Zest, approaching life with excitement, was #20. I never liked bubbly people anyway. My clients will tell you that I bring lots of energy to presentations, but I work at it.
The last item on the list, at #24, was humility. You might say my interest in humility is well placed.
Good News and Bad New:
I took the VIA Survey again last Sunday (2/10/2019). The good news is humility is no longer at the bottom of the list.
Now humility is #23. Yes! Humility jumped from #24 to #23 in three years.
At my rate of improvement, humility will be at the top of my character strengths in 66 years.
My friends laugh at my humility ranking. Tom rubbed it in by proudly texting that humility was #9 on his list. (I’m not going to forgive him. I’m pretty sure he cheated.)
5 things I know about humility:
#1. Humility is like laying on the grass and looking at the stars. Sometimes you feel like you could touch them.
#2. The real test of humility is pouring yourself into someone and having them outperform you.
#3. Self-interest is normal. Other-interest is the beginning of extraordinary. Begin interactions by asking yourself, “How might I serve?”
#4. Reflect on yourself when you think others need to change.
#5. The strengths of others are more valuable than arrogance thinks.
Bonus: My only hope is you can practice humility, even if you don’t feel humble.
What do you know about humility and how to pursue it?
Dan, the five things you know – you can tell and feel that these are real to you and are impacting when read and pondered – will be keeping this post. My father told me once that he was humble until someone shared the definition with him.
Thanks Scott. Love your dad’s comment.
As you can tell, this is an important topic to me, even if it’s not natural. I know you’re learning about humility too. Best for the journey!
I believe I learned what humility or something about humility was from an early age. I had a difficult time when I was a kid being raised by my grandmother. I was one of those spoil bad kids that would never obey his parent. However, one day my grandmother suddenly died. My world stopped like a “reality” shock. I couldn’t take anything back or even say I was sorry for the things I did wrong. It took a long time to get to a content place where I would regret my disobedience and behavior. Going through that experience, gave me great humility. Not to take anything for granted and be thankful for the little blessing that comes in your life. With that humility, I express in all my experiences, decisions, and goals that I have. I guess people will find humility; differently, I feel like I found out, although unfortunate, in a way that I needed.
Thanks Sterling. Sometimes we find humility by being humbled. However, no one can humble us. We humble ourselves. Or, we allow ourselves to be humbled.
Some people go through adversity and become bitter. Other people become humble.
It seems like humility is an awareness that our behaviors matter and life is frail.
Thank you for this. Number 2 on the things to know reminded me of the small teams I’ve had over the past few years. I sent one of them an email after reading this and told them that #2 reminded me of him. I expressed how proud I was that he took what I showed him to a new level. Now this former team member is up for a supervisory promotion. I came away with nothing but gratitude. Pouring into others is so rewarding.
Thanks George. Perhaps the greatest test of humility is ending up in the students shadow. But, receiving gratitude does make the journey fulfilling. Thanks again for jumping in today.
Hi Dan – good to meet you. #4. Reflect on yourself when you think others need to change. That is humility for me. Surrendering to the fact that I need to work on myself.
Thanks Madeline. Good to meet you, too. Personally, my irritation with others is a trigger to turn toward my own journey. I “hate” it when I see my faults in others. 🙂
This resonates with me so much…too much…ouch, and thank you!
Thanks Greta. Ouch for me too.
Hi Dan. I once read the quote that ‘humility is a learned behaviour’. This resonated with me as I have always admired humble people but have been nagged by the thought that there is often something contrived about their behaviour. We are socialised to downplay our pride in ourselves. In primitive times, we would beat our chests at an achievement. I’m not sure we should be expending energy on increasing our humility at the expense of authenticity.
Thanks Yvonne. For me the journey is about my aspirational self. But, I can see where pretending to be humble when you aren’t can seem contrived.
I hope that genuine aspiration toward an illusive quality seems authentic.
What do you know about humility and how to pursue it?
Sometimes it is better to keep your mouth shut then upset the Apple cart!
Be careful the words you use to critique others, the results sometimes can be “truly humbling and painful”, be prepared to weather the storm!
Thanks Tim. I’m with you. Humility is often practiced by what we DON’T say.
My first thought when reading your article was, “What character trait became number 24?” Yes, humility is important, but so are all the other qualities you mentioned. How did you subjectively choose which traits were of importance and needed to be more fully developed and which could be allowed to fall in ranking on the list?
Thanks CJ. You ask a great question. Overall, don’t you think it’s best to focus on what you’re good at?
The reason I aspire to humility, even though it’s not a strength is my dad modeled for me and I want to be like him.
There are some qualities on the bottom of the list that I see and don’t give a second thought. But this one is important to me.
I think humility in this day and age seems to have gotten a bum rap. People think it means a person who denies their talents, but that’s not true humility — that is something else — and not a positive trait. I view humility as understanding I have talents given to me — that I try to enhance by my own efforts, and the efforts of those who I consider mentors/leaders.. By that same token, everyone around me also has talents given to them — and in a leadership role — I may be the means to help them enhance their talents. The seemingly mundane is pretty heady when you think about it! 🙂
Thanks Mary Ellen. I’m with you. Too often, humility is consider weak. My response to that is TRY IT for a month.
Your approach is helpful. Humility isn’t about being a loser. It includes knowing what you do well. AND, perhaps just as important, it includes know what others do well.
Hilarious that Tom BOASTED about his humility.
Thanks Jon. I told him what I wrote. We both laughed.
Dan, this took great humility to risk posting this. Move Humility to #22.
Hahaha! Thanks Jim. It’s part of practicing humility, even if I don’t feel humble. I sincerely believe that humility is a practice.
Agreed. Interestingly, perhaps 10,000 hours still might not be enough…
Humility is a difficult thing. I feel like I am an overall humble person, but the side effect of that is sometimes I lack self-confidence and assertiveness. It can be very difficult to balance the two: you are either full of your self or empty of confidence. I think the balance lies in recognizing your own strengths and using those strengths to serve others while at the same time recognizing your own weaknesses and relying on others to help you be strong.
Thanks Justin. Love your observation about strengths. Another thing came to mind as I read your comment. Part of self-confident humility includes knowing and practicing your values. At least it matters in my experience.
Sticking with your values is a foundation for self-confidence.
Your idea that we use our strengths in service to others really speaks to me. And, I think it helps self-confidence NOT become self-serving arrogance.
Dan,
I cannot begin to effectively thank you for the strength of your words; your posting reflect the best of humanity and Lord knows, I am but a Kingdom Man still very much under construction. And when I read your posts, I walk away with joyful confirmation that I am traveling on a journey toward leadership excellence. Stay in your marvelous gifting and light, Dan. You are the change. Your voice matters. Your example matters. And never underestimate the power of your example and the extraordinary gifting upon your life, Sir.
Thank you for encouraging me to grow, so I can be a light for others. Bless you, Dan.
Kind Regards,
siggi
Thaks Siggi. I appreciate your encouragement. It seems that humility says we are on a journey, we haven’t arrived.
Having spent the majority of my career thus far in middle management, #2 says it all! Although I’ve been able to hire and develop 2 individuals that eventually assumed my positions, I am well aware of my need for ongoing focus with humility. Stay humble, curious, & hungry.
Thanks Dan
Thanks Scoot. It’s not easy to train your replacement. They have their own style. They don’t always do things like you. Plus, you can do their job better – at least at first. I takes real humility to let go and support the person who is taking on your old role.
Dan, this may not make sense to you or others…BUT for me humility coalesces with self-esteem. Whenever I am feeling like humility is #98 on my list…I remember that self-esteem can play a big part of feeling disconnected in my relationships.
Thanks Eric. I’m not sure if I’m tracking. But, the idea of knowing who you are AND become comfortable with who you are seems important to humility. Without that, humility seems like weakness.
Exactly, you are tracking Dan. Thanks!
Thanks for humbly sharing this with us Dan! Your “five things” prove the truth of the comment on the VIA website: Your lower strengths (those near the bottom of your profile) are not weaknesses. Instead, they are strengths that come less naturally to you and require more effort to use. You have poured effort into making your strengths available to others. That humility inspires the rest of us who seek to do the same in our own unique ways.
Thanks Mark. I like the idea that some qualities take more work. It’s definitely true for me. Curiosity is easy. Humility is another story. 🙂
Great topic! I’ve been working on it myself for a few years. The more I worked at it, the more I felt it to be insurmountable. Until I then realized that it cannot be worked ‘outside-in’ but ‘inside-out’. People who lack humility either have a HIGH view of themselves, or a LOW view of themselves. Both are prideful attitudes. (Yes, having a low view of self is pride in disguise). Humble people have the RIGHT view of themselves (and they don’t flatter themselves either!) They know who they are, what they are capable of and who they are becoming. They focus on the ‘who they are becoming’ more than ‘what they are not’. They practice on the ‘what they are not’ areas until they see it improve (There is hope, Dan!) Of course, on that journey of transformation, we have many people who can assist us and help us grow…friends, family, peers, superiors, etc. But the most resourceful are obnoxious neighbors, loathsome detractors, unethical competitors, malicious connivers, hateful enemies, etc. You get the message. Let’s keep practicing…it doesn’t matter how slow you improve, as long as you are improving!
Humbly submitting for your consideration. Thanks!
Thanks Enoch. Your insights and suggestions indicate you’ve been working at this. I’m glad you brought up the importance of including others in the journey. It’s essential for success.
On the journey!
Hi Dan, humility is such an interesting concept and virtue. At 5 years old, my daughter proudly announced that she was the best at humility. And that about sums up how humble our family is. That apple does not fall far from her parents’ trees. We work at it. Thank you for some timely food for thought.
Thanks Jen. Don’t you just love kids!!
After working on this myself over the years I settled on the personal solution of giving others credit to the point where their uniqueness stands out as just as valuable as anything **I** have to offer. Not above me or below me, but just whatever their most awesome features are.
If I don’t know them well enough yet, I just assume they will reveal their awesomeness at some point. Therefore, it is no longer a matter of me emphasizing humility, it is that humility just happens because I am just one of a crowd of unique, awesome people that surround me.
I don’t always succeed at this, but not because it is difficult; it is more often because I forget to really look! I forget to mindfully see because of my own ideas and thoughts taking up the bandwidth. When I do remember to see, I make a better connection, and it feels so much better than the alternative. 🙂
I am not sure how well this will work for anyone else, but I find that trying to tamp down or fight something in my inner world doesn’t work as well as building something else up so that the thing I am building is the thing that takes precedence. Valuing others and their thoughts more helps keep my head the right size.
There is one other thing that I find is essential to humility, and that is self-worth independent of features esteemed by others, or possessions, or net worth, etc. In other words, believing in one’s intrinsic self-worth apart from life’s manifestations levels the playing field because if I am intrinsically worthy, so is everyone else, regardless of where they are on their journey and what they are needing to learn. This eliminates the need for one-upmanship or manufactured self-importance. As a consultant colleague of mine points out, we are all AFGOs (Another “Flipping” Growth Opportunity). 😉
Brilliant!! Seeing strength in others seems to be good for everyone.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Is this in any way linked to vulnerability? I’m curious to find out. Also, empathy. Your thoughts?
Thanks Justin. I believe everything good in leadership begins with humility. So, if vulnerability and empathy are good things, they begin with humility. 🙂
Thanks Dan for your reply. Much appreciated. What do you recommend for developing humility? Really struggle with this one. Thanks.
Dan, I was curious, so I just took the test myself. I tried not to let your blog and attitudes about your “humility” ranking, affect the way I answered the questions. Not sure I was successful.
There are 24 personality attributes, and ultimately upon answering the 120 questions the attributes are ranked.
I totally agree with the results of my test. I guess I know myself well.
I totally disagree with the trait which ranked last, but as in all tests which rely on communication via language, there can be misunderstandings about what the test writer meant.
It is inaccurate to assume that top 12 traits in a person’s profile are their “good” traits, and the bottom 12 are their “bad” traits … and that those bottom 12 are areas, in which the person needs to improve.
We are such a competitive society that it is natural believe that #1 is best, and #2 is ONLY second place. And by that logic that #22 or #24 is horrible.
In actuality a person could easily be equally strong in the first 6 or 8 traits. For me “Creativity” was #1, but “Perseverance” was only #6. And yet I know that I never give up when I’m working to solve a problem, yet creativity is something, which I can’t just flip a switch to make happen.
As they say in the results, this is a rank of personality traits which EVERYONE has. And each person is stronger in some and LESS STRONG in others. If we all ranked the same this would be a pretty boring world.
I ranked #23 in Social intelligence. I am not surprised. My disability is ADHD and possibly a touch of Aspergers Syndrome. I’ve always had problems “reading” people. I’ve worked all my life to be better, but at 65 years old, I know Social Intelligence will never be one of my strongest traits. Its just who I am.
Oh, and BTW I ranked #22 in Humility. I’m not surprised. That trait is also related to social interaction and perception.
As other people have pointed out in response to this blog, the definition of humility is pretty vague. Does it mean not being prideful, boastful, and arrogant? Or does is mean “putting the needs of another person before your own, and thinking of others before yourself … acknowledging that you are not always right?”
Obviously in a work environment where groups of people must work together toward a common good, it might be important for the participants to sublimate their instincts for self-promotion for good of the project.
But on the flip side if you are in advertising, then you want to boast about the glories of your product, show pride, and convince your audience that your product is better than those from other companies.
I have always been very proud of my products, but not as good at promoting them. I guess I need to find someone who is not very humble to do my advertising.
Thanks Paula. It was enjoyable to read your comment. The idea that you could be good at a trait that is down the list is important. The VIA content uses the term, “less natural.” Perhaps the traits at the top of the list are our first response to situations and the traits at the bottom of the list are things we learn and intentionally practice.
C.S. Lewis said:
“Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.”
From my perspective as a reader of your blog, you do that well.
Thanks Wendy. Here’s to the journey
I think humility is a natural attitude of self-terms and conditions. How one display humility is determine by what and where he practices it. Sometimes I crave to get the facts right by proving to be the best by being the humble person in the team and paving way for those working with me. I came to understand that acting to please others and following the odds to be even never gives you credits until you can define what you really want in the future.
Dan, it could be valuable to determine what you’re afraid of. It takes a great deal of courage and heart (these words share the same root in Latin) to be humble. Humility does not emanate from the amygdala.Is it possible that you are reacting impulsively rather than responding with conscious intention when you are less than humble?
Thanks Kim. I can tell you that humility requires conscious intention, but curiosity is like falling off a log.
And we can get right back up with greater understanding, self-compassion and conscious intention to honor our values.
Thanks Godwin. Defining what you want is a rare activity. I find that it’s good to often ask ourselves and others “what do you want?’
My friend Wally Bock was having trouble posting his comment. Here it is:
Dan, you are in very good company. Humility was one of the thirteen virtues Ben Franklin worked on most of his like. When he wrote his Autobiography in his old age, here’s what he said about humility. “I cannot boast of much success in acquiring the reality of this virtue, but I had a good deal with regard to the appearance of it.”
You can see Wally’s site: https://www.threestarleadership.com/