The Mirrors That Help You See Yourself
Ego sees others but not itself.
Egoless is a silly myth.
Ego serves leaders well when self-interest drives service. But ego has a dark side.
You have an ego problem if:
- Fault-finding comes naturally, but affirmation is like choking on mosquitoes.
- Taking offense is an Olympic sport with you. Are you easily offended?
- You’re too busy or important for conversations.
- Correction from others offends you.
- You give explanations when someone corrects you.
- The problem is always “out there”.
- Giving advice is an exercise in recreation. It’s your attempt at getting people to be more like you.
Mirrors:
Others are mirrors.
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung
The things that irritate you about others often reflect your own weaknesses. I see this in the clash of controlling people.
Controlling people hate each other.
Reflection:
Ask yourself, “What might I learn about myself?” when someone irritates me.
Others help you see yourself.
You won’t become self-aware by meditating under a tree. You see yourself when you brush against people. For example…
Controlling people irritate me. I bristle at the thought that I might be controlling. I wonder why?
You can’t change what you refuse to acknowledge.
Helping others see themselves:
#1. Maintain emotional calm when bringing up sensitive issues.
#2. Explain how you learned to see yourself in others. Lead by example.
#3. Be curious.
- Who irritates you?
- How might you share some of their irritating qualities?
- What advice would you give to that irritating other?
- How might that advice apply to you?
You connect with others when you accept your own imperfections.
What irritates you about others? How might those irritating qualities be in you?
How might leaders help others see themselves more clearly?
Dan, I’m new to the Leadership Freak scene- I’m enjoying it as my morning read! As a former collegiate athlete the same annoying things that teammates did as freshman- I realized I’ve done the same. It makes sense to see myself more clearly through the eyes of those freshman as I was once in the same shoes not too long ago- it builds empathy for the underclassman and tightens the bond as teammates.
Thanks Jeff. Welcome to Leadreship Freak. I hope you find some inspiration and occasional some insight.
It’s interesting that seeing yourself in others creates empathy. I hadn’t thought of that. It’s a wonderful thing. I had expected humility. Of course, they aren’t mutually exclusive.
Great post Dan! U are amazing!
Thanks Thomas! Right back at you.
Ok, so these stand out in the discussion; Who irritates you? How might you share some of their irritating qualities? What advice would you give to that irritating other? How might that advice apply to you? Who irritates me; Those that are not passionate about their work, they are just going thru the motions. How might I share those qualities; I don’t. What advice would I give, get with it, get some passion and start being aggressive and forward, we’ve given you the opportunities, the support and the challenges go for it. How might that advice apply to me; It does not. I hate to keep coming back to it, but its generational in all bases that I see. I was brought up to value hard work, to go the extra mile, to see ahead, seems a whole lot of others were not. I am done venting; you all have a Grateful and Blessed day
Thanks Roger. I’m glad to provide a space for you to vent.
I think I do fairly good at this. Self evaluation is critical to a leader. Asking for a 360 review is a great tool. Now how do I get my team leaders to start doing this.
Thanks Walt. Congratulations on being open to feedback. Leading by example is the beginning of leadership.
Woow. This hit close to home.i.e. my ego feels so smug about disliking controlling people and at the same time recognizing that sometimes hidden under my gentle exterior is way too much need to control. Have been reading a super book that mirrors some of what you say Cherie Carter-Scott’s “If Life is A Game, These are the Rules.” My advice to controllers and to myself – really listen more; don’t just pretend to listen. Pay undivided attention to where someone is coming from and let go of your own interests while doing so. Be as candid with your self as you are with the other person you wish or feel the need to control. Appreciate their strengths while recognizing their needs.
You are so right on there. Listening is a skill that first I had to admit that I don’t do a good job at. If I am thinking of my response while the person is talking then I am not truely listening. I got two book that are helping me. First is Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Tavis Bradberry and the next is an awesome book by Karen Martin called Clarity First. Its not easy but its worth it to admit we can be better leaders. If someone rubs me the wrong way, I agree 9 out of 10 times its is a behavior or something that I don’t like about myself. So I work on fixing myself before addressing others. Thanks for your input.
Thanks amazing…I respect your transparency.
If you want to lead yourself… be as candid with yourself as you are with the person… !!
Thanks for the reminder Dan! I believe reminding ourselves of the servant leadership path we choose requires serving employees and not our egos. Having the humility to know when you’re wrong and seek feedback is important in growing as a person. If we’re uncomfortable with being corrected with an employee, the ship may be stirred in the wrong direction. A leader should be able to acknowledge when they are wrong in order to move forward in team goals.
Thanks Mohamed. Seeking feedback is one of the best expressions of humility… Of course, listening to the feedback is important too.
Agreed!
#2 of “Helping others see themselves”, I think is quintessential. Consistently setting the example is probably the safest, as well as, most effective way to to convey your message. Give folks examples of your own vulnerabilities, or rather, a glimpse at some of your own inadequacies you have regrettably projected on others. I would not suggest accusing them of doing the same, but this divulgence may be the icebreaker needed to make them comfortable enough to reciprocate. Although, to be noted, I think you would also have to monitor this approach. Imagine how you would look to your subordinates who know you to be egotistical and now you are creating an unexpected facade of humility. It could end up working against you, and the only responses you get are eye-rolls and a “yeah right” smirk. I guess there is a craft to sincerity that must be mastered.