Hugging in the Men’s Room
Corporate life is dead because there’s no heart.
I scrambled for something to do when he said, “My son committed suicide two years ago.” We were standing in the men’s room.
The choice:
You’re faced with a choice between what seems right and responding with heart. Distance seems right. Block emotion. Don’t let people see your heart.
I’m learning to lead with heart because people with heart have shown the way.
One corporate leader tears up when talking about his team or customers with health problems. His open heart gives me permission to open my heart.
I had a choice when I heard, “My son committed suicide,” I could be distant and professional. Or I could respond with heart.
I let myself feel what he felt. I chose heart. My eyes filled with tears. I put my arms around him. Tearfully I whispered, “I’m so sorry this happened.”
It wasn’t until later that I realized it’s awkward to hug a guy in the men’s room. Thankfully, no one walked in.
A hugger:
Bill Campbell (1940 – 2016) was a hugger. Bill was one of the most highly regarded coaches and mentors in Silicon Valley. He worked with the founders of Google, Apple, and many others.
“He hugged just about everyone, and if he couldn’t get close enough, sometimes he’d blow kisses. Right there in the middle of a board meeting or Eric (Schimdt’s) staff meeting.” (Schimdt was Chairman of the Board at Google and after that Chairman of Googles parent company, Alphabet.)
“The reason Bill was able to get away with his hugs-and-curses approach was that all his behavior was rooted in heart: it came from love.” Trillion Dollar Coach
You don’t have to hug or blow kisses. But heart is the channel of influence.
What dangers do you see in leading with heart?
How might leaders show up with heart?
Bonus material:
Leadership is about Emotion, Forbes
Good Leaders get Emotional, HBR
How do you really feel? Effect of leaders’ perceived emotional sincerity on followers’ trust, Science Direct (Abstract)
I think the art of face-to-face communication and what I would have thought of as ‘normal human responses’ — in the workplace — has taken over a significant portion of my work experience. I find myself repeatedly saying to some staff: “You don’t have to be best friends, but you do have to work together professionally.” — while at the same time counseling other staff that they are at their place of business and not the Club on a Friday night. I would worry about the overly physically demonstrative leader in the #metoo era– but not about the leader who shares moments of happiness, sorrow, concern, and excitement with their Team. No one wants to be a nameless, faceless cog in a work machine. Here’s to moderation and empathy.
Thanks Mary Ellen. You bring up important extremes that happen in organizations when things go too far. I’m concerned about physical touch as well.
I’ve had time to think about this experience. Perhaps when someone shares something personal, a more personal response is appropriate?
In any case, this topic is a mine field.
Mary I say that all the time as well. When an employee complained “they don’t like me”. I responded “good news no part of your job or theirs require you to like each other”. Then I go down the road of “but you will work together and those issue better not be interfere with your work”. I also have a rule if employee A come in to complain about some petty drama about employee B I call that employee in at the same time. It has all but shut down the I am telling the boss about this game. At the same time team building is critical and if they can solve the small drama games internally the team grows. Being a leader and showing that side is very hard, make sure you have a co-worker/mentor to share (or vent) to.
Dear Dan,
A thought-provoking post compelling every reader to think seriously on the corporate life and the leadership styles!
Working at corporate offices for years together makes me think what kind of different leaders that I have come across and their impact in my successful journey. Corporate life is full of challenges and opportunities! As we go along, we experience the work pressure and the joy of fulfilling assigned tasks with timely delivery. Add to this is the appreciation and encouragement from the seniors to influence our future performance.
Leaders with heart are soft spoken, ready to help & guide and empathetic! Yet, they believe in results and provide freedom to operate with tough deadlines. They believe in their subordinates and are keen to develop future good leaders. They insist to create and follow right organisation systems and processes to ensure long-term success.
Winning the hearts is the right way to lead and earn respect of the followers! It also helps to build an Organization Culture of Caring with Performance.
Thanks Dr. Asher. You wrote something that seems to be important in the context of empathy. “Believe in results….”
We don’t have to choose between heart and performance. It can be difficult to navigate the tension between tough and tender. But it’s worth the effort.
Dan;
I think the key message is that authentic leaders show empathy and compassion. At the end of the day we’re looking to add value to others and the old saying goes, “people don’t know you care unless you show it.” Empathy, compassion, kindness and gratitude are somewhat rare today but remain the super powers of a prosperous culture.
Very thought provoking post!
Rick
How might leaders show up with heart? Attempt (notice I say attempt) to be kind, respectful, polite, non judgmental, and speak with a tone that comes across as non threatening. All attributes that come from the heart NOT the brain. I say attempt above because its difficult in today’s fast moving world to stop and actually work those attributes. In some ways the busyness of what we do and the fast pace of the world gets in the way, those ways affect our brains, our bodies and block our hearts from acting as we might have before the fast pace came to us all.
Quite like the quote: People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care…
Dan,
The land mines are out, the post brings the “Wizard of Oz” to mind. The Lion “If I only had a heart”? As we all know, we all have a heart, letting others in and showing our heart is tough!
Life’s experiences have either built a shield around our heart after having it broken in certain instances, or it leaves a hole that time may heal or may not?
In the world we live in today it seems “the heartless” can make ones journey seem difficult, so “shower them with kindness” and hope they open up their heart, often times easier said than done, seldom will the heartless let their guard down!
The intention “I let myself feel what he felt” is the beginning of empathy. I worry that colleagues at work make assumptions at this point that lead to gestures that serve the one offering empathy and that consent to gestures such as hugging are more assumed than explicit. We can be emphatic and ask if a hug is welcome.
Love this post. I think showing up to lead with heart means a lot of things. It’s a willingness to enter in; you don’t always have to agree, but you’re willing to acknowledge the views of others. It’s empathizing with others in their hurt, frustration and tears. It’s celebrating with them in their wins, accomplishments and successes! It’s showing you are a real person — without just the title of leader. It’s being vulnerable about your challenges and owning your shortcomings. It’s celebrating your wins and successes with your team. I could probably go on, but those are a few things that come to mind. I think heart in leadership is often dismissed, but is the most powerful connection to building trust.
This is an awesome post. A good friend at work sent it my way…..It caught his attention because my son took his own life 5 years ago last month. This friend, from day-one has “gotten it”. Grief is vicious and unpredictable, even in the work place. He has always listened, with open ears….and heart. This is SO needed, as a way to support peers in the work place that are called, against every ounce of their being, to go through traumatic events, be they passing of family member, health, issues with children, etc. We are most wise to have the courage to pause and support each other when heavy stuff hits. And yes, this friend has given me hugs. I would encourage each member of this audience to have this same courage, to support a neighbor or peer who has been called to walk through traumatic waters in life. It makes a far greater difference than you can imagine.
Rick,
So sorry to hear prayers for you and your family to heal on the inside, this happens to much, sometimes we have no control.
Tim
Thanks Rick. Respect to you for sharing your story and using it to encourage others. We keep trying to make sense of things.
You remind me that Leadership Freak readers deal with some very tough issues. Your comment expands my perspective and responsibility.
I’m sorry you lost your son.
As is always the case Dan, you touch on topics that are truly meaningful. Empathy is a valuable attribute for Leaders to express, but in this case, I wonder what the value of empathy will be in years to come as the expectations of new workers and their “feelings” mindsets enter the workforce. Will the expectation of receiving empathy become so commonplace that the value of empathy is diluted to the point that it becomes meaningless?
Thanks Jim. It seems that empathetic leaders also need to challenge, confront, correct, and direct when necessary. Bringing tenderness and toughness together is the ultimate leadership skill when it comes to people.
Dan, what a great topic, lots of wonderful color added by the comments above. Thanks for bringing it full circle in your last comment…believing in results.
One of the dangers of leading with your heart is the fear of vulnerability. Some may see vulnerability as being weak, risky or unnecessary in the workplace and it may be less professional. To some. But what I have found is that when we lead with our hearts and become vulnerable, most people around us also see transparency and a quiet strength that is contagious. Which I believe is also powerful.