How Men Overcome Discomfort Mentoring Women
476 of the Fortune 500 were led by men in 2018 – only 24 were led by women. (CNBC)
Birds of a feather:
The birds-of-a-feather principle suggests that we build relationships with people who are like us.
Elders tend to hang with elders. There’s a hip coffee shop in town. I never go there unless I’m with a young person.
Doctors build stronger relationships with doctors. Baptists fellowship with Baptists, and women have more female friends than men.
“Homophily in race and ethnicity creates the strongest divides in our personal environments, with age, religion, education, occupation, and gender following in roughly that order.” (Annual Review of Sociology)
Women are disadvantaged when most top leaders are male.
Men mentoring women:
Bloomberg ran a business article with the headline, “Wall Street Rule for the #MeToo Era: Avoid Women at All Cost.”
Joan Kuhl, author of Dig Your Heels In, offers three practical suggestions for men who feel uncomfortable mentoring women.
- You can’t have different rules for men and women. You might prefer public spaces or coffee shops for mentoring conversations. If you take male mentees to sporting events, you must include female mentees.
- Establish trust from the start. Be willing to listen to hard feedback about company culture.
- Focus on goals and skills. Make the relationship development specific to the business.
What about touch:
I recently wrote about hugging a man in the men’s room. Physical touch is part of human existence. But, set clear boundaries.
- No lingering touches.
- Pat on the upper-back or forearm.
- Offer a hug, but don’t dive in. Give people a chance to express discomfort. (See video below.)
- Be aware of the connection between power and intimidation through touch.
Joan Kuhl on men mentoring women and physical touch in the workplace:
What suggestions do you have for men who are uncomfortable mentoring women?
Bonus material:
Advice for Men Who Are Nervous About Mentoring Women (HBR)
Myths about false accusation (Stanford)
Understanding Diversity Mentoring (David Clutterbuck)
Comfort level is so critical and personal when it comes to physical contact. I echo Joan’s input in the video that it’s truly important to set boundaries and make expectations and understanding clear. I’d be very interested to read this book! Thank you for sharing!
Based on my experience, opportunities to mentor someone of the opposite sex are a great way to share respective perspectives and build bridges of mutual understanding about how the workplace dynamic affects both males and females. Companies should encourage much more of this.
And as a bonus, I’ve learned much about female perspectives in the workplace that I’ve been able to share with my teenage daughters: insights into how the world they live in affects them, and what they can do to encourage productive change in the future!
I have constantly had conversations thru my career with men on how to approach women to discuss certain topics.
Great article and the separation can also be between men that are threatened by other men. Some leaders totally disregard surrounding themselves with people smarter than there might be. More leaders should forget about the sex type and their ability to manipulate and just hire the best person. Hire the person that can lead, that others will follow and that supports the overall company mission. Don’t hire yourself, reach and hire the next great thing, regardless of sex.
Great conversation about an extremely relevant topic. The best advice is to respect people’s comfort levels. Not sure? Ask. Always keep it professional. Don’t invade people’s personal space. Women need mentors to succeed in business. We need sponsors too. The person who will propel us forward. Thanks for bringing up this topic.
As a woman who frequently mentors men I disagree with the challenges you’re proposing being linked to a mixed gender relationship.
A neutral, safe environment and a relationship based on trust should always be the cornerstone of any mentoring relationship, & location preference or personal contact comfort levels can be as different between two women / two men as it is between a man & a women so those decisions should always be based on individual preferences, regardless of gender.
Thought provoking though and areas we should all consider in our mentee relationships if we want to provide the best support possible.
Keep It Sincere and Safe
Handshaking only with sincere professional eye contact.
Interesting post. I’ve been mentored by a male peer before and it went well because he was quite blunt at times but that was refreshing because he wasn’t treating me differently from his usual style with other men.
I wonder how much we align to others who are like us, or whether this also involves a bit of change and adapting to culture “how things operate here”…? “I must be more X___ to fit it.” Etc.
As a man who has worked in a female dominated industry, I can suggest only to be yourself. Start slow by building trusting relationships. Keep your behavior consistent with all. Show people you care and that should be good!
I had a Woman professional to coach me.. Yes that helped me a lot in having a Women’s perspective to develop myself.
Men should not be fearful of mentoring women. However, people in general should understand boundaries. “Give people a chance to express discomfort.” This is good advice for anyone. The goal should be to have relationships built on mutual respect.
If a man is uncomfortable mentoring or being mentored by a woman there are some foundational issues to address. If you genuinely respect the other person you should have no problems. If you feel uneasy with a situation simply ask if it is just you or a legitimate issue. We must all admit we are different, then look for ways to grow stronger through the differences.
It is not only the female employees who suffer when men are uncomfortable in professional relationships with women – it is also the women in the non-traditional roles that play supporting roles to men – think IT, engineering, medicine. Men who are unsure how to mentor a female will gain more than just the ability to mentor; they will also gain the ability to deal with women in all ways in a more respectful and professional basis. The ripples create waves of change!
Definitely need to understand and observe boundaries. Appreciate the advice to remember to be consistent. I also appreciate Joan’s admission that the MeToo movement has some casualties that sometimes result in too much distance in our work relationships. As she wrapped up, “we need human connection.” It needs to be appropriate and genuine.
Mutual respect and trust are the keys here. The foundation is to be yourself – honor the strengths and support the weaknesses in others. No one is perfect – neither mentor or mentee – learn from each other!
The simple rule of thumb is to treat everyone how you would like to be treated.
Good advice for anyone in a mentoring situation – you don’t necessarily know what might make the other person uncomfortable and creating a safe space helps tremendously to build confidence and trust in the relationship.
As a woman that mentors a largely male cabinet of leaders, I think that the guidelines set above work for all. I do agree that men need to figure out how to equitably mentor women, but regardless of gender, it is critical that you understand the boundaries and comfort zone of all your reports.
A few comments about the suggestions offered:
If the employees do not trust management, establishing trust from the start is a tough one.
Being able to listen to hard feedback about company culture is spot on and so often overlooked.
When hiring employees today, it’s all about asking if they have the skills to get the critical tasks done.
As a woman working in a predominantly male field, I expect to be treated exactly as my coworkers are treated, with professionalism and respect. You create the boundaries and comfort zones by what you allow. Having a culture of inclusion and diversity makes us a better team.
Great article. It is always a good reminder to think about the Golden Rule…“do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
I found these guidelines helpful in growing another and in protecting both parties involved. Thanks!
Great topic and very timely! Respect and trust are the foundation of any working relationship.
It starts with a mindset of equality. Before you say that or physically reach out, think to yourself, “Would I do this to a member of my own sex?” If you wouldn’t then don’t do it! The men who are afraid of being seen alone with a woman do not have an equality mindset. They assume people will interpret it as inappropriate. But people won’t believe that as long as you treat others equally.
Your reputation will go before you. If you’re a dirty old man, yes, people will believe something wrong is happening. It is not the act of being alone with a woman. It’s your reputation of being a creep! So change your reputation by treating everyone equally.
Something we all need to think about as we work together.
Referencing this statement: ““Women are disadvantaged when most top leaders are men.” This posture only affirms those who “feel” victimized, which in turn most often yields to passive-aggressive behaviour…”
I’ve seen statements like this before relative to the Me Too movement. There is a “slight of hand” that happens when someone suggests that accepting the truth of a social condition either deepens or affirms a feeling of being a victim. I have seen the reality of women being disadvantaged when most top leaders are men. My “posture” of accepting this reality of the situation does not result in me feeling like a victim in this circumstance. And I’m insulted by the insinuation that this will lead me to passive-aggressive behavior. That feels like a strange conclusion to me.
The “slight of hand” is that we are now telling women that its all this belief you hold about the disadvantages created for you by our social construct that makes you a victim. If we take this a bit further, doesn’t it logically follow that if women simply give up this posture (i.e. stop believing in the reality of the disadvantages), then they will no longer be victims?
I’m not sure why we are attempting to twist the situation. Assuming the intentions are good, perhaps people who are connecting the acceptance of reality to being a victim are genuinely trying to help women feel less victimized. But, it actually has the affect of telling women that their clear-eyed acceptance of the truth of a situation is the problem to be solved.
Women who make no excuses for the truth are not victims. They are the leaders who will change the world for the better.
Thanks for distinguishing between acknowledging a disadvantage and using it as an excuse.
The slight of hand is about the effect of accepting ANY absolute statement, independent of bias in the statement … the same general dynamic has a TENDENCY to occur … this only compares the statement at issue to the general dynamic, AND indicates the inversive nature of particular biases – just as you’ve demonstrated. Thank you for the discerning thinking.
#1: Don’t accept absolute statements
such as,
“Women are disadvantaged when most top leaders are men.”
This posture only affirms those who “feel” victimized, which in turn most often yields to passive-aggressive behaviour (the bullied becoming the bully) – a scenario no one can win (players change but cycles repeat).
Most women have advantages that most men don’t …
Neither sex (or gender) has any fixed (permanent) advantage over rational/analytical pursuits or thinking critically … nor over art/poesis or synthesis.
Bias happens. Just don’t allow it to GOVERN our mutual pursuits. Prove that bias (emotional OR intellectual) has nothing to do with (pragmatic) reality.
And be persuasive, not manipulative.
The above are the words of Mentor Linda Sain to professional wannabe Rurbane, circa 1980 … just as true then as now.
Great read. Consistency, fairness, equality – everyONE has something to offer, its our bias’ and opinions that get in the way of greatness. Start with trust and integrity regardless of your audience – be fair and equitable in all your practices, no cherry-picking with what behavior is allowable.
I bucked the status quo and was a female supervising an all male team. I shocked a lot of people by even applying for the position. I earned the respect of those I worked with by being honest, open, fair and understanding. Frankly, they appreciated a softer, less competitive leader and we had the best team ever.
As someone who regularly mentors and coaches women, I am always conscious of appropriate boundaries but also aware of how valuable these conversations can be for both parties. Women who want to grow personally and professionally need respect and commitment from their mentor. I try hard to establish trust by being vulnerable myself about the things I’m afraid of or the failures I have experienced. My mentees and coaching clients like how I hold them accountable. We all deserve to be connected with people who want to help and support us, regardless of gender.
To the men in the business world, if you’re contacting woman professionally, don’t ask questions that will make a female whom you don’t know at all uncomfortable. Stick to professional questions. Recently on LinkedIn, 2 men contacted me looking for a personal partner. The first one got right to the point of his inquiry, so that was terminated fast! The second one initially acted professional, but couldn’t understand why he’d asked for professional reasons what my daily tasks are. It’s not like I’m looking for a job! I’m looking for advisors & investors! To me that had nothing to do with freelance writing, editing & proofreading either. I did give him an honest answer though. His next statement was his wife had died & he was alone raising a daughter. Being clergy, I told him I was sorry for his loss, but I’ve experienced his type of line before (one day on Skype had over 100 men contact me with the same line), so told him off as well, then reported & blocked him. If you’re looking for a life partner, don’t be predatory on those coming into the business world for the first time nor on those of us older women returning to it after any form of retirement. And contacting a female member of clergy for counseling, state that right up front, but keep it on a professional basis! It doesn’t matter what field it is, but we remote workers are that way for very valid reasons & those reasons are not necessarily your business professionally. All you need to know is whether we can do the job, if it’s a job offer, etc. Or find out what we’re looking for professionally.
As for the topic discussed in the video interview, location of where you place your hands or body while hugging is important to not set off triggers for both males & females. Only do what’s normal for contact with a sister, brother, mother, father, daughter, son, aunt or uncle (providing not perverts). I’m also a hugger as most empaths are regardless of gender or orientation. My work & research with veterans, however, made me sensitive to not only my own personal space, but also theirs (most vets have been males I’ve worked with). Make a verbal or opened arms offer but be ready to be refused.
Refusal is NOT rejection when dealing with vets or civilians with PTSD, it’s as much for your protection as it is for theirs. The right touch at the wrong time can be end in injury. My most ironically funny example was once I was in almost full flashback mode struggling to remained in the here & now & my husband wanted to comfort me. I told him an emphatic no & to remain on the opposite side of the room & just keep talking & walk slowly. HE DIDN’T LISTEN NOR FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS, much to his later regret & misfortune. Instead, he nearly ran towards me to hug me. My automatic literal knee jerk reaction found him bounding like a guided missile right into my foot, my heel firmly contacting his crotch. What made this both sadder & funnier later is that he was a black belt martial arts teacher.
Master the firm handshake, firm thumb pressure is key, don’t crush anybody’s hand. If (big IF) a hug is appropriate use a side hug.
We need to get out of the mindset of “equality” and turn our thoughts and actions to EQUITY. Since women are starting out at a disadvantage- we need to learn to be equitable not equal. Equal will keep women where they are with the illusion that they are progressing. How can you win a 100 yard dash when the opponent has a 50 yard head start? Don’t be afraid to provide equity even when you get a side glance or two.
Interesting post, Dan! We see this disparity of male vs female leaders in education. While most teachers are female, most leaders are male. This inequity has led to my work in creating communities and events for female leaders in the education space that include mentoring other and aspiring leaders. I appreciate the three rules from Joan, but I do think that they are gender-neutral and should be applied across the board.
As always, thank you for pushing my thinking!
Jennifer
Mentoring both men and women in the same uniform way is also beneficial to the mentor as well, as it calibrates their general behavior and language as well to a more moderate and higher level. The challenge would be for men to choose the appropriate examples and situations that would suit both and deliver it.
In India physical touch is a powerful connect and is quite common and liberally used, though it needs to be adjusted in the corporate world. The hug in the men’s room could be a normal one in India for someone close whom you have not seen for even 3 months! In this context we also should be aware of the geographical cultural differences that also adds to the complexity.
Is there an way you could reframe this so that it’s not all about male discomfort, when in reality in these situations they are coming from a place of privilege? Otherwise it somehow becomes our fault.
As a female, I’ve never had a male mentor. I think there is a lot to be learned from both sides when mentor/mentee relationships are mixed-gender. THe author’s suggestion for having the same rules for men and women is good… to an extent. There’s not a one-size-fits-all approach that can be applied to men and women…. it should be tailored to the individual mentor/mentee relationship.
This is a perfect article fo my office and I am sharing it with many of my coworkers. I hope it helps all become better.
Very helpful, thoughtful and sensitive. Thank you.
Dear Dan,
A confused post! Not clear on the motive behind raising any doubt on mentoring style.
Men & Women are the same for mentoring or grooming for higher positions. A mentor/coach may provide a better attention or provide more respect to women participants but don’t differ on his style of delivery. They do keep a safe distance by not showing any over-enthusiasm by touching or hugging.
Great topic, Dan. I have mentored 2 women and 1 man so far, and have treated all my mentees in the same way: respectfully, kindly and keeping it professional. I think this method works fine for everyone involved.
Ah, the handshake is being discussed again. Quite some time ago (before the metoo movement) I work with few ladies on a project that would advance their educational career. When the first women extended her hand after the assignment was successfully concluded I responded accordingly. And so with the next lady when her assignment was equally concluded with a positive outcome, I extended my hand to congratulate. She did respond al be it reluctant. Next week I got a summon from HR and a briefing about “me trying to advance myself to have physical contact with a female subordinate”. She essentially complained that my extended hand “invaded her comfort zone” The message was refrain from doing so with the additional suggestion that if the female extends her hand first, I respond, but if the female does not extend her hand, I shouldn’t do so. So much for the equality part. I looked at the mirror and came with a much better advice: No more mentoring of females. And with the job change that I went for, I don’t have to deal with this nuisance. My career is more important than some female feelings. The only females I work with are my equals in our department and with those women I can read and write.