Forget About Silencing Your Inner Critic
Your inner critic’s voice is louder and more believable than external voices. Others compliment you, but you know you’re a fraud.
Forget about silencing your inner accuser. Negative aspiration tends to strengthen negative behavior.
It’s unsatisfying to pursue NOT doing something.
Forget about silencing your inner critic, but don’t surrender either.
Lies:
Telling lies doesn’t defeat your inner critic.
You might adopt an inner mantra. “I’m confident.” But only those who LACK confidence need to tell themselves they are confident.
Don’t tell yourself a lie in a futile attempt to make it true.
Lies don’t set you free. Repeating, “I’m brave,” when you’re afraid, isn’t convincing.
You can’t lie your way into character.
Expose lies:
There’s perverse comfort in believing your inner critic. I’m no good. I can’t do anything. Don’t expect much from me.
Expose lies. Don’t accept them.
Set a timer for 10 minutes and record every self-accusation that comes to mind. Don’t hold back, even if it seems silly. “No one likes you,” might seem silly, but if your inner critic says it, record it.
- You’re selfish.
- People gossip about you.
- You aren’t very smart.
- If people really knew ….
The trouble with self-accusation is the kernel of truth in the lie. Your inner critic might say, “You’re a selfish pig.” Sometimes you are selfish.
Aspiration and lies:
Aspiration dies in the face of lies. You can’t aspire to confidence if you’re telling yourself you’re confident.
Embrace the darkness if you pursue the light.
Do you grapple with anger? Record everything that makes you angry, even when it’s embarrassing. Maybe you’re still angry at the first boss you had.
Sometimes you’re envious of leaders who are more successful than you. Sometimes you shade the truth to enhance your image.
The act of seeing self-accusations on paper loosens their grip on your thinking.
How might leaders grapple with their inner critic?
I like it: Embrace Doubt if you seek Truth.
The more certain you become about something, the more your living Faith fails to guide and govern … and that’s when we make mistakes in humane judgment … and lie to ourselves / deny ourselves when it comes time to act.
Listen carefully (to the gremlin within), but don’t take it literally.
There is more art to living and leading than there is orderly progression and rational predictability.
Thanks Rurbane. Your comment about taking the gremlin literally makes me think about the problem of over-statement. The inner critic loves words like ALWAYS, ALL, and NEVER.
It’s hard to make day-to-day progress when the voice in our head keeps using Global Language like All or never.
So true that!
I sometimes think there’s a lack of true introspection these days. We joke about how some people present themselves in work: We say: ‘Do they hear themselves talk?, or, ‘It must be nice to live in their world.’ — but I wonder if that’s not just the modern culture’s philosophy that everyone can simply will themselves to be the best, the most confident, and definitely be able to fake it till you make it. Seems that as in everything — it takes some of both approaches, but when you take either approach too far (give completely in to your inner critic or silence your inner critic altogether) , you’re probably going to be less than your best authentic self.
Thanks Mary Ellen. Some of us need an outsider to help us think clearly about ourselves. 🙂
acknowledging our shadow self can be very uncomfortable at first. Once we can incorporate your shadow we can better acknowledge the light side of ourselves and recognize the lessons our shadow is trying to teach us.
Thanks Dan. The expression “shadow self” feels powerful to me. A shadow isn’t the thing. If we aren’t careful, we start to believe we are the shadow.
Great perspective Dan
My view is that we are all capable of building up and of tearing down, of light and dark. Denying that we have capacity for both good and bad limits our ability to be truly self aware.
great column as always.
Whew! This is a heavy one. If after recording detrimental thoughts on paper, if there isn’t relief, the help of therapy or executive coaching may be required. As a culture and as leaders, we need to be more open to providing or allowing time for employees to address psychological hangups that could be affecting them professionally.
Thanks JB. Good add. It’s not like recording the inner-critic is a cure-all. The bottom line is, we never get “there” by ourselves.
Dan, this is counterintuitive advice that really makes me think. I don’t know if I want to record my darkest thoughts because I don’t want to see them later and I don’t want anyone else to find them either. But I’ll try it. There is a catharsis that is created by handwriting. But depending on a person’s mental state, they may not be able to objectively evaluate the things that they write. For example, when I was in the depths of depression, this would not have helped. Because I did write things. And it was bad. Now I’m in a better place and think that I could evaluate it objectively.
You’re right that there is a kernel of truth in our inner critic. But instead of selftalk, I like self questioning. Just ask yourself, “Can I do this?” No matter what the answer is, I’m right. Even if my answer is no, I can’t do it, then I can discover the reasons how I can do it.
Thanks for making us think, Dan.
Thanks Hamilton. I’m so glad you jumped in. First, I did the exercise yesterday and found it strangely liberating. (Hence today’s post)
I can see that a depressed person might not get as much value.
Personally, when I did the exercise, it helped me see that I’m being small about some things.
The other question might be, “What do you want to do about that?” But only ask that question after you’ve rejected the exaggeration and thought about the kernel of truth. Cheers
I have found that there are no “one size fits all” solutions. My approach is to try something and see if it fits. If it does I keep it, if it doesn’t I let it go.
I remember when I was in a very deep state of depression and anger I was very prolific in writing lyrics as an outlet. I was able to express many thoughts that were troubling me through creative expression. I stopped for several years and have just recently started again as well as doing some journaling. I’ll see how that goes.
So how come my inner critic is always positively directing me with questions with concerns with direction. My inner critic in all ways does not negatively attack me. Could it be my attitude and not allowing it too? I think that might be the case.
Truly great and useful! Thanks much!