Surgery Without Anesthesia
“My husband says a conversation with Dan is like surgery without anesthesia.” (During a birthday party for a long-time coaching client.)
People don’t tell leaders the truth. They imagine what you want to hear and tell you that. They want to:
- Protect feelings. Feeling good justifies incompetence – when feelings rule the day.
- Shield status, both yours and theirs. You don’t bring up the frailties of the queen to her face, especially if she signs your paycheck.
- Ingratiate themselves. Power invites groveling from those who seek personal advantage.
- Avoid conflict.
Conflict avoidant people:
#1. Change the subject.
When you ask a question, people answer a different question. You might ask, “Do you think I’m too blunt?” The answer, “I think you’re kind.”
#2. Ignore issues.
It’s easier to turn your head than to bring up a tough issue.
When was the last time a team member brought up YOUR poor performance?
#3. Withdraw.
The people you need to hear – front-line employees – are avoiding you.
The person with position is responsible to move first. You go to them. They won’t come to you.
Self-surgery:
What are you NOT doing that might have negative consequences? Stop blaming and take responsibility.
What are you doing that makes it difficult for people to speak hard truths?
How might you seek input and feedback?
How has input from others caused you to adapt the way you think about yourself?
Illustration:
A coaching client shared what he planned to say to his board. When he was done, I said, “You’re better than that. Let’s try again.”
People rise to challenges.
Encouragement matters. But you go further if you occasionally hear hard truths.
What might leaders do to better hear the truth about themselves?
Bonus material:
The more people prepare for your visit, the more lies you hear. Everyone’s office is clean. The ‘little people’ smile and bow until you leave.
9 Things You Should Know About Liars (Science of People)
How to Tell if Someone is Lying to You, According to Body Language Experts (Time)
They often say “look in the mirror”!
They also say “be careful what you wish for”.
My experience has been “tell it like it is” stepping up to be a Leader you will get past the feelings into reality real quick, some like others don’t.
Depending on the individuals you occupy space with, if you have respect from one another either privately or public (if feelings are involved seek the private option) you will “tell each other what you feel or sense” in a perfect world, sometimes we have to pry as people prefer not to hurt feelings, so think “how your going to say” and “what your going to say” to get the point across. If you have been with people for many years you know when you have crossed the line to the point of no return!
Sometimes it takes blunt statements to get people to commit, then there are the other times you need a little sugar coating to sweeten the discussion! (Milk and cookies please).
Thanks Tim, You got me thinking about how to speak the truth in a way that it gets heard. And in a way that is helpful to everyone involved. Maybe tomorrow’s post. Cheeers.
Dan,
Glad to keep your wheels spinning, honestly I don’t think you ever stop?
Thanks for guiding us! Cheers
Hi Dan! I like what Eleanor Roosevelt said, “To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart. As I understand it, she was tough and caring at the same time, good leaders should at some point be able to do both. Feelings shouldn’t ever “rule” the day, but there are times when it’s a tight dance and you have to make the tough call to be kind, but open and honest. Most appreciate that. There are some who never wants the truth, so then you have to determine what kind of leader you are and if leadership is right for your. Wonderful, wonderful post. Feedback has allowed me to totally change how I engage with everyone, the truth works, even without anesthesia! Hee hee,,..
Thanks Yarnir. So glad your bring heart into the conversation. Truth without heart is cruel. But truth with heart is easier to receive.
As someone who avoids criticism this is a welcome post. I am also reading Radical Candor by Kim Scott that is helping me to see that feedback (guidance) is kinder in the long run regardless of how it feels at the time. Provided it is done well!
Thanks Graham. First, thanks for your honesty. Kim’s book is useful. I forget her language, but the point that speaks to me is about the connection between compassion and challenge. The more directly you challenge the more compassion you should exhibit. Sadly, we are often the opposite. The more we challenge, the more angry or aggressive we become.
Interesting that this comes up: Protect feelings. Feeling good justifies incompetence – when feelings rule the day. We seem (IMHO) to be moving towards “feelings” ruling everything even making non-truths truths because if one feels something it must be true. This trend seems to be ruling political, social and media thought and it makes me mad when I see it. Because as hinted in the discussion feelings seem to make people feel safer even if the outcomes are wrong. Feelings are important but when they overrule truth and facts they become something less. There also seems to be a tie between “feelings” ruling decisions and the incompetence that comes after (at least in the political space). Am I wrong on this perception.?
Thanks Roger. Feelings and truth are not the same thing. Feelings can’t distinguish between fact or fiction. Go to a scary movie. You know it’s not real, but you feel scared. Someone gives you some corrective feedback and you make up some wild story about them to make yourself feel better.
Support and encouragement are essential. But so is speaking up when someone is harming others or holding the team back.
We should also stay open to the idea that they are not intentionally holding the team back. Most of us want to do well.
I have no filter. I’ve been going around speaking the truth (from my perspective) all of my life. I don’t identify with the status quo and I know for the past 20 years I’ve spoken my mind about work policies / issues that don’t pass the sniff test. Having me around is a true test to a leader’s tolerance and patience. It really is a good test to quickly identify better leaders but it wreaks havoc to one’s career. When the values of the status quo is strong in an organization, tread lightly if you’re concerned with the status quo. But this comes at a price. Follow the status quo too much and you will be a weaker leader … a leader with diminishing integrity … a leader in name only with a hollow valueless center.
Thanks Michael. For some reason, you got me thinking about influence. It’s possible to lose influence or increase influence through speaking the truth. It feels being adaptable is useful. (Just thinking)
You learn a lot about a leader by the way they receive contrarian ideas or tough feedback. 🙂
In any case, words have weight. Be ready to bear the weight of your words.
So true. I was in a senior leadership team meeting once and the big boss said “you guys would tell me if I was off course, right?” There was dead silence. Which was the exact answer, although I’m not sure he got it.
Thanks Glen. You made me laugh. And so, the senior leader just pressed forward oblivious to the situation.
There is “what we feel” and there is “what is actual”. Our job is to align “what we feel” with “what is actual” as often as we can.
Thanks Frank. Bingo. Put the actual ahead of the emotional.
Thanks Dan. I think the point about dealing with the front line is bang on. Maybe this is effective because they can either feel more threatened to speak the truth or more free to speak the truth when you’re further up the tower. I experienced both and it was always worthwhile.
Good evening,
I enjoyed reading this piece. I am in the middle of an MBA Program through Strayer University. Jack Welch Management Institute. Jack stresses that leaders should lead with candor, directness and straightforwardness.
Personally, I have had people in leadership and management positions ask me questions in regards to themselves. I spoke the truth, whether they cared to hear it was an entire different story. I do not believe in sugarcoating truth, playing games or office politics.
Leaders or managers should not expect subordinates to bow down to them. In my opinion that is slavery. Subordinates should have the freedom to express themselves. As long as they remain polite, professional and exude executive presence.
How can leaders better hear the truth about themselves? I think that is a tricky one to answer because it goes against much of our conditioning. Leaders like to spout that they wish for full transparency but we all know that deep down inside criticism makes us all cringe to an extent. We are emotional beings and to be void of all emotion would make us less than human. However, I think the best method for dealing with such emotion falls back on the behavioral norm that many psychologists and therapists preach about being happy with oneself and not dwelling on external influences to our happiness. This in turn makes us open to suggestions. But, even if a leader is open to suggestions, how does she portray her willingness to accept criticisms from subordinates? I think leaders must be very conscious of their first impressions. First impressions will last a long time. We as leaders must be mindful not to marginalize or ridicule individuals for their suggestions about ourselves or our decisions. It goes back to the age old cause and effect analogy of a toddler learning not to touch a hot stove. Often it only takes one bad experience for an employee to lock up and be fearful to speak up again. Leaders must realize that this is not a friendly game of basketball where you can criticize someone about their play without expecting significant backlash. Employees may feel as though they are risking their careers (their livelihoods) by speaking up. That is what makes it so hard to create a free thinking atmosphere and escape the group think mentality that leads us to ignoring undesirable situations created by our leaders.
I find if you want the truth as a leader, then you should likely try to build a culture of inquiry. Building relationships based on mutual respect and recognition across hierarchic boundaries makes all communications more reliable.