How to Become an Otherish Leader
It’s lonely at the top because leaders lack otherishness.
Otherish leaders focus on the success and well-being of others.
You’re lonely because:
#1. You wear a mask.
Masks prevent people from knowing you. If people saw the real you, they wouldn’t follow.
Otherishness requires vulnerability.
#2. You believe you’re special.
How much time are you spending on the floor vs. in the office?
You don’t see your own weaknesses, frailties, and needs.
#3. You choose results over relationships.
Connecting isn’t a priority for most stressed out managers or leaders.
You’re lonely because you don’t have time for people. You believe that getting stuff done is all that matters.
#4. Everyone wants something from you.
You’re skeptical about the motives of others. It’s hard to imagine that people are being helpful because they’re generous.
Otherishness requires trust.
#4 is my personal ‘favorite’.
5 practices of otherish leaders:
Thinking about yourself is healthy in small strokes. But don’t make an art out of self-focus.
- Train your eye to notice good in others.
- Brag about others when you feel like bragging about yourself.
- Notice the impact of your presence on others. How do people feel after spending time with you?
- Speak with gratitude when mentioning accomplishments.
- Offer TO help, more than asking FOR help.
Evaluate and develop otherishness:
You can’t evaluate your own otherishness. You’ll either be too hard on yourself or too generous.
Self-awareness and self-perception require others.
- Ask individuals to rate your otherishness on a scale of 1 to 6. (Anonymous rating.)
- Design assessment questions based on the above “Five practices of otherishness.” For example, “How likely am I to notice good in others?” 1:6
- Ask for input. Tell people you’re working to focus more on others and less on yourself.
- Ask, “What might I do that would cause you to think that I’m focused on the success of others?”
Which of the reasons for loneliness in leadership is your ‘favorite’?
How might leaders focus less on their success and more on the success of others?
Bonus material:
5 Reasons it’s Lonely at the Top (WSJ – subscription required)
Not Lonely at the Top (NYT)
This is How to Prevent Loneliness as a Leader (Fast Company)
Humility and the Development and Repair of Social Bonds: Two Longitudinal Studies (Research Gate)
Power decreased loneliness by reducing the felt need for affiliation with others. (NYT)
Great post Dan! A friend of mine shared this quote about working with others: “There is a difference between fixing someone and supporting someone. To fix, you need to control. To support, you don’t need to control. Most people don’t need fixing, they need to be supported. To fix, makes you responsible. To support, makes them responsible.” ~Dr. Rick Marks
Thanks Duane. I can see where fixing people results in loneliness in leadership. I don’t want to hang around people who are trying to fix me.
Dr Marks’ quote is powerful. Personally, I prefer support to being fixed. 🙂
Ah, the fine line b/t enabling/empowering/affirming …
God, I wish I had mastered this.
It all (#1 thru #4) amounts to the same thing … you end up isolated when you are not connected; you wind up lonely when relationships are merely functional. It doesn’t matter your level of authority/power/influence, it’s still the same dynamic.
Stop saying “I” and start meaning “We” … and the trust will form.
Most real leaders, btw, are rarely at the top, for long at any rate … for precisely these reasons … they viscerally disdain the “bubble”/isolation/loneliness that is inherent in being the “dear” or “chosen” One (Other?). They actually fear that power does indeed corrupt, and that they will succumb … and this is the true meaning of humility, that they are not really that different from you or I but for temporary circumstance.
Thanks Rurbane. I love a simple actionable idea! Move from I/me to us/we. Now that’s something you can commit to. Cheers
Then change Eval. Pts. 1,2, & 4 to substitute we/our for I/Me … works wonders (literally).
Great blog. We often find individuals that focus solely on the “What” and use it as a platform to boast about their accomplishments while discrediting individuals that may have actually done the work. All too common among clowns in leadership positions that believe they have the right to take credit because everything and everyone is a subordinate to them.
Focusing on the people doing the work or closest to the work and boosting them up through recognition is a SMART investment in strengthening relationships throughout the organization and strengthening the organization as a whole.
Wearing a MASK is very common and SAFE. The reasons why people wear a mask are personal and oftentimes longstanding. Find the reasons why the masks are present and begin by working on issues of TRUST.
Thanks Global. Stealing credit is a great strategy for weakening relationships by creating distrust. In addition, what employee will be energized by being minimized, ignored, or abused.
Great Dan,
I have spoken more than once the Job is “we” not ‘I”.
My favorite questions are how can I help you? What do you need?
Most important is “don’t promise what we can’t deliver?
Besides “Only clowns wear masks! 🙂
LOL… only clowns wear masks! Thanks for that, Tim.
I hadn’t thought how over-promising might connect with a self-focus. I want to look good or I need your approval so I over-promise.
Yes I wear a mask, yes I spend 98% of my time in my office. Yes my work load is big. Yes I think only I can do it right. Thank you for kicking my butt first thing in the morning. Now what am I going to do?
Thanks Walt. A friend of mine texted me and said, “If I boasted about others ever time I wanted to boast about myself, I’d be boasting an awful lot.” 🙂
I write this stuff because I see most of it in my own life. Cheers
“You believe that getting stuff done is all that matters.”
I think in most organisations, your boss won’t disagree with your assessment. Relationships are irrelevant until the money is in place. The general rule seems to be that disfunctional, disjointed and profitable beats involved, interrelated and penniless every time.
Thanks Mitch. Service, relationships building, innovation, have a goal in mind – deliver a product or service to clients that has enough value they will pay for it.
The way we get that done matters, although some leaders seem to think that being a jerk is justified by profits and productivity. If you ask me, people who think that way are idiots. It’s a false dichotomy. This has been demonstrated by many great companies/leaders.
We should acknowledge that you can make profits and be a jerk. That doesn’t make it right.
Dan,
Your “false dichotomy” comment hits the nail on the head. I spent a lot of time during my last several years before retirement convincing managers that “results vs. relationships” was not an either/or proposition. Being a jerk seems to be just fine with many managers as long as things are getting done. This post (and many others you have written) points the way to better results through effective relationships that build trust and true teamwork. Kudos!
The only thing I don’t like about this post is it is too short. LOL I like the suggestions and will look for more from you on this topic.
Thanks Lost… Hey, leave’em wanting more. Have a great day. You made mine.
#3 is my favorite reason for being lonely. I believe being results oriented is an important trait to have as outcomes are often more important than means since individuals can take very different paths to achieve the same goal. However, when a leader is infatuated with results over all other aspects of the system they work within they may lose sight of the bigger picture. In addition, as you allude, they will alienate their subordinates and the leader may then be seen as a cop rather than a leader. Getting to know those whom you intend to lead is the first step in earning that trust and reciprocity in trust you mention in #4. Nothing can be lonelier than being the guy who only holds people’s feet to the fire. Often I’ve seen managers outsource that task to a supervisor so they themselves can stay in the positive light. I don’t think followers are that naive though; they know ultimately that crap rolls down hill. I think honest interest in your subordinates, coworkers, and bosses will help build the bridges needed to effectively lead, down the organization, across the organization, and up the organization.
A very helpful post. It can be a big step to learn that you can be vulnerable with others when you are leading but the risk has huge pay offs in building connection and lessening loneliness.