How to Listen – Best Tip Ever
If you think listening is easy, you aren’t doing it.
Listening is hard:
Listening is hard because some people can’t stop talking.
Perhaps a talk-timer would help, like a chess timer with a slap-button on the top. You have one minute to talk. When you’re done you slap the timer to assign your partner one minute.
But a talk-timer wouldn’t help. All you would do is wait for their minute to expire so you could say the really important stuff.
Listening isn’t competition.
Listening is hard because it’s no fun listening to someone who isn’t as smart as you. It’s difficult to listen when you’re so damn smart.
Listening is hard because you have important things to do. Time pressure and listening are inversely related. More time pressure – less listening.
Listening matters:
If you listen, you won’t tell people something they already know.
Listening multiplies your leadership impact and effectiveness.
It might be helpful to realize that other people like to be heard and understood as much as you like it.
10 powers of listening:
Listening…
- Indicates thought. Smart people look stupid when they solve the wrong problem.
- Displays wisdom. Fools talk. Wisdom listens.
- Expresses interest.
- Shows respect.
- Acknowledges worth. A listening ear tells others they matter.
- Encourages hearts.
- Builds trust.
- Strengthens connection.
- Improves teamwork.
- Advances effectiveness and efficiency.
If listening is so powerful, maybe we should try it.
Listening tips:
Listening expert Julian Treasure believes, “Every human being has to listen consciously in order to live fully.” Julian’s tips for better listening:
- Receive. Pay attention.
- Appreciate. Make little noises like mmm. Nod.
- Summarize. “So, ….”
- Ask questions.
Best listening tip ever: Listen to ask a question.
Best listening insight: Humility solves most listening issues.
Why is listening hard?
What’s your best listening tip?
Bonus material:
How to be a Better Listener (NYT)
How to be a Better Listener (Scientific American)
Listening is an Overlooked Leadership Tool (HBR)
Listening also shows we care enough about the other person to hear and listen to their perspective, thoughts, and feelings.
Thanks Steve. Caring is one of those leadership skills/qualities that makes everything else work.
Listening is hard because 90% (@best) of what we project onto others is bs… stuff WE Don’t really believe, we just want YOU to.
Mirroring back the mutual logic (one that applies to BOTH of us) of the Other’s statements is the fastest and most efficient way of slicing thru it.
Of course, tho, many of us don’t want to be known for what we actually believe, so be careful out there. 😉
Thanks Rurbane. Getting to the true self or true truth is usually a process that takes patience, kindness, and persistence. Maybe that’s why people don’t feel understood. In addition, sometimes we intentionally hide.
It’s hard to listen because there are so many distractions going on in our head and environment.
Three tips——
1. Create a word or phrase you say to yourself to remind you to listen.
3. Make eye contact—it’s a reminder to listen
2. Use paraphrasing as a way to make you understood the message correctly.
Thanks Paul. Great suggestions. My phrase is, “I like this person.” I need to remind myself of this on a regular basis.
I like your phrase.
People begin to heal when they know that they have been heard.
the question is, has the person who needs to listen been heard so they can understand the impact of it? This is too often the question that isn’t asked of the front line and middle management positions.
Thanks Dan. Fascinating and important. It seems that we all have responsibility to listen and understand.
I like the thing that Alan Alda says about listening. “The difference between listening and pretending to listen, I discovered, is enormous. One is fluid, the other is rigid. One is alive, the other is stuffed. Eventually, I found a radical way of thinking about listening. Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you.”
Wow! Thanks for the quote, Helen. That is a real kick in the pants for me. 🙂
Thanks for this post Dan. Listening and leadership go hand-in-hand. Asking the right questions and really hearing the answers is difficult and, I believe, an acquired skill (as long as one practices it … because even the longest tenured of folk don’t always listen well). We are often so caught up in our own thoughts and pouncing on the talker’s points that we don’t listen well. I wish I could add value to suggestions, but my only additional thought is to practice, practice, practice.
Thanks Daryl. Brilliant. The message I made is listening – like leading – includes getting out of my own head. It’s hard to lead others when I’m consumed with myself.
Thanks for this feedback, Dan! Who should I credit for this quote “Smart people look stupid when they solve the wrong problem.” ?
As far as I know, it’s mine.
Awesome!! Thanks Dan.
Someone once told me that there is a good reason that God (or whomever you believe in or don’t) gave you two ears and only one mouth. You should listen twice as much as you talk.
Thanks for joining in today, Kristin. For some of us, the challenge of listening suggests we should have three ears. 🙂
If you include both eyes to watch for body language, the listening to talking ratio is even better.
I always go with the old rule “God gave us 1 mouth and 2 ears” he expected us to use them that way. He also gave us 2 hands and 2 feet, I think that was so we would spend more time listening and working then talking. The other rule is, if you are thinking about your response to what a person is saying then you are not listening to them.
Thanks Walt. Covey said, Seek first to understand, then be understood.
Listening is hard because our brains were designed to react first. It was (and is) necessary for survival. Think about early humans living in the wild: if they didn’t react quickly to the dangers around them, they would not have survived. They relied on instinct plus the reacting with patterns they created from previous experiences in order to survive. Our brains work the same way as our ancestors, so reacting first is still the way we operate. As the post states, it takes a conscience effort and practice to train our brain to listen better instead of reacting to everything.
I thank Andy Hunt’s terrific book, “Pragmatic Thinking and Learning” for making me realize that reacting first is built in to the way I operate.
Thanks Daniel. My problem is I know what you are going to say before you finish saying… AND I know the solution/answer before you even ask or need one.
Listening is hard for me because even when I’m interested in a topic the speaker will often say something that triggers my mind to wander down a long path of day dreaming, and not coming back until I have realized that I left the conversation. Coming back is always so difficult, too. I’ll think “Wait… where was he going with this?” Nodding and eye contact usually can keep up appearances and buy me time to get back in the conversation. My advice is that if you find your mind drifting try to readjust and re-engage in the conversation. Try repeating the last thing he or she said or just be honest and say, “Hold up, hold up. Can you back up a little bit and explain that again?” Even if you were not listening you will at least appear to be interested and that can go a long way with someone.
Thanks Garry. The think I take from your comment is to engage with the speaker. Silence is important for listening. But a little banter helps us stay engaged.
I like that, doing a reset to make your brain to reengage. I going to borrow that.
Dear Dan,
You really nailed in here “Listening is hard because it’s no fun listening to someone who isn’t as smart as you. It’s difficult to listen when you’re so damn smart.” This is perfect for arrogant narcissist like I’am.
I really like your blog and your tips, one last thing on tips for better listening the appreciation doing the sounds like mmm can be seen as disinterested
Appreciate. Make little noises like mmm
Kind regards,
The Goat
Great post! This is something I am working on everyday. It takes intentional attention and effort to master the art of being a great listener, and like you said humility.
I was taught that most people “hear” but don’t “listen.” Hearing is a physical process, while listening is a mental one. Also, I was taught to finish listening before you begin forming your answer to what was said. Dan, Your article was excellent.
What’s your best listening tip?
I feel like in most cases, I try to relate to the person talking by sharing similar feelings I’ve had with their concerns. I think this help them understand I know where they are coming from and maybe have some insight into a solution. But I don’t always bring that solution to the conversation. I’ve practiced this move with my young adult kids. It sounds to me… then I say I felt the same about that when I experienced that. It helps give me an “in” with them emotionally and they tend to open up more than I expected. Sometimes just listening allows them to sort of talk through the problem, alleviating me of creating a solution. This can be used for co-workers and team members.
Powerful Asset – Listening! I agree with every point that you made, Dan. There is a nest of Clergy on my road and they are like politicians who answer BEFORE the question is raised or asked. However, listening is a tremendous display of respect. It is a critical display of YOUR CHARACTER when you take time to listen FIRST.
I couldn’t help but personalize the skill and art of listening in reference to my wife. She would say that she is a good listener in her work,but my observation is the opposite. She is compelled to give comment and response before people complete their statements. She tries it with me and I become rude to shut her down. I would never do that with a client but the thought has run through my mind when a client asks and answers a query.
Great topic I plan on sharing with some of my clients through a newsletter or some other form of communications.
I hear you.
Great tips.
Especially “listen to ask a question”
I love the Judge Judy show and as per her famous quote” That’s why we were given two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as hard than we speak”
And two eyes, that we can see twice what we may think;
And two hands, that we can turn over what we may hear and see.
“Invert! Always invert!”
Charles Munger, left hand of Warren Buffet
Run the equation backwards and forward to see if it still balances.
Thx / great read
Best ,
Don Smith
My mom would always say that the reason we have two ears and one mouth is because we should spend twice the time listening then we do talking. I truly believe good leaders need to be excellent listeners because this is the only way they will build trust and connection with their team. Dan, I love the ten powers of listening you mentioned because each point is so crucial for becoming a better leader. I think most people have the misconception that great leaders need to have a strong, gregarious, and exuberant personality in order to be an effective leader. However, often time’s extroverted leaders are terrible listeners, and they do not have the humility to focus more on listening rather than talking. I completely agree that listening helps to build humility because one must focus on fully understanding another person before they talk themselves. Listening is important for developing trust, respect, and connection with employees. Personally, I try my best to listen carefully, so I can ask interesting questions to the speaker. This helps the speaker know I care about what they have to say, which in turns strengthens the relationship. I truly believe the world needs more humble, cautious, and wise leaders who focus on listening to their respective counterparts. Because all human beings desire to be understood, the best way for someone desiring a leadership position is to focus of developing their listening skills.