The Wailing Lady
The flight from Dallas to Philadelphia was shorter than expected, but the landing was disturbingly loud.
The lady two rows in front of me wailed in panic.
I buckled up in Dallas when an elderly lady was wheeled in by two flight attendants. They gently lifted her to the seat, buckled her, and tucked her in with a blanket. It seemed kind and peaceful.
Two and a half hours later our wheels hit the runway in Philadelphia with an alarming jolt. The frail lady two rows up wailed a wail I could feel in my bones. And she kept wailing.
Frailty magnifies panic.
It was a pathetic terrifying sound that still comes to me.
I wondered why the healthy man one seat over didn’t do something. He raised his hand as if to quiet her, but to no avail. He leaned in her direction.
Across the aisle another passenger looked on. The helpless lady continued crying pitifully. I looked at the two and wondered, “Why don’t you do something?”
It’s frustrating when OTHERS don’t act. Did you notice that I comfortably excluded myself from the “You” in, “Why don’t YOU do something?”
It’s easy to wonder why OTHERS aren’t doing something. After all, I’m not allowed to unbuckle.
Finally, a flight attendant unbuckled and knelt beside her while we taxied.
4 excuses to NOT act:
- TSA agents could board the plane and drag you off in cuffs if you unbuckle.
- Others are closer.
- If you unbuckle, the plane could lurch and who knows what might happen?
- Maybe you’ll make matters worse if you hold the hand of a terrified frail elderly lady while a plane taxis to the terminal.
Choose compassion over conformity.
Compassion is often a breaking of the rules.
Rules, at least occasionally, justify cruelty.
What does compassionate leadership look like?
What concerns you about compassionate leadership?
Wow – this needs to be read by EVERYONE. The take-away is huge on so many levels! I look forward to your posts – trying to implement what suggestions are offered. Not always easy, but definitely worth the effort. I receive positive results, so it keeps me coming back for more. Thank you much for all you do!
Thanks Rexanne. It’s a pleasure to be useful. I appreciate your encouragement.
Very good post! Very thought-provoking too. It makes me wonder how many times I’ve done the same thing. It’s so easy to ask, “why doesn’t someone do something?” I guess the question we should ask instead is, “what can I do?”
Thanks Michael. I notice that asking what others should do is SO much easier than asking what I might do. 🙂
This is exactly why people don’t taking action/show initiative/be proactive at work: the cost:benefit doesn’t stack up. A successful outcome that is obtained outside the prescribed process is still a failure, and will need repeating within the process. It isn’t about doing the right thing: it’s having the right person do the right thing the right way, and it’s generally considered to be better if it fails this way than any non-process “successful” outcome
Thanks Mitch. Leaders define success. Very thought provoking. In organizational life you might do the right thing or a good thing, but it might not contribute to success.
Sometimes a good thing is a distraction. Of course in the instance above, it wasn’t a distraction.
Thought provoking. Interesting how we often forget we have a voice in these situations which tend to leave us speechless and feeling unable to help.
A personal experience I’d like to share: Many years ago when I was a young lass, I worked in NYC in the mid-town diamond district. I was heading down the subway stairs when I saw three thugs trying to rip a briefcase out of the arms of a man on the landing in front of me. Appeared that they knew he had something of value in it. I was speechless and frozen on the steps. I turned around to go back the way I had come and saw that there was a large number of people now piled up behind me, also frozen on those steps watching the scene below us. I was mortified at their lack of action and screamed ” Someone help him! The man is being mugged!” That quickly brought 2 policemen who must have been not more than a few feet away below near the ticket booth. The thugs ran and the victim was free to carry on his way. After that I’m not sure what happened as I continued on my way, deeply shaken by what had just happened.
The lesson I learned that I carry with me everyday is that my voice is powerful and I should not stay silent if saying something somehow can make a difference.
Thanks Stephanie. I’m glad you just yelled and didn’t intervene! 🙂 Your point is well taken. We can do something. Don’t minimize speaking up to help.
PS We were just in the diamond district. Saw the tree and had dinner. It snowed hard. Frankly it was wonderful. (No muggings)
Dan, I usually love your posts, and maybe its because caffeine has not yet kicked in this morning. I get mixed messages when I read this. Or maybe that’s the point. And I guess that breaks down what kind of leader you are and what you choose to be in the long run, “Did you notice that I comfortably excluded myself from the “You” in, “Why don’t YOU do something?”
I guess I wonder why you didn’t say anything to the people in front of you and to the side the of the woman, by just “wondering” if someone else could do something, you could have asked someone to help comfort her and rang the flight attendant mercilessly. People tend to be bystanders unless asked to help with something I’ve found in situations. At the scene of an accident, you “might” get one or two people to take action but dozens stand around. I think it’s not really their fault, its the deer in the headlights, people freeze and don’t know what to do, until you give them the ask and the snap out of it.
Thanks Chef. Yes. I could have asked the folks up front to do something. The thing that confronts me is that I did nothing. It’s not that others did nothing. It’s that I did nothing that troubles me.
Gotcha 🙂
Dear Dan,
Liked the narrated experience! ‘Expecting someone else to help’ is a common thinking that prevails in many people with empathy. However, we resist coming forward and extending the possible help primarily because we are fearful with a wrong attitude of thinking negative consequences.
I had once helped a passenger who was feeling restless in the midst of flying, two rows ahead of my seat, though I am not a medical doctor. I made him comfortable by rubbing his back and checking on few symptoms. Guided air hostess along with one another knowledgeable passenger (non-medical) and an immediate oxygen was provided giving a major relief to the passenger.
He came to the normalcy and could walk alone once the plane landed. I waited till the end he moved out of the aircraft accompanied by an air-hostess.
A simple act of timely help is possible if we are keen and decisive while others are least bothered!
Thanks Dr Asher. Brilliant story. The lesson is just do what you can.
Choose compassion over conformity. Yes good thought for the most part in everything you do but as you noted in some cases you have to make a decision to let others move that compassion. Granted there are few instances where this might occur but I do agree lead with compassion over conformity WHEN you can.
I shared it on both my platforms – loved this. Great reminder to just be a good human. We did it in kindergarden – we can certainly do it now!
Thanks Dan. Definitely something we need to reflect on. Your story immediately led me to the Parable of the Good Samaritan, Luke 10:25-37. It has always been easy to make excuses as to why we should not get involved. But if we truly love our “neighbor” as ourselves, then we would not think twice about helping someone.
Excellent advice! “Someone should do something!” should always be followed with “I’m someone!”
Very thought provoking post and comments.
Perhaps the question to ask oneself: what would you like to have been done? Seems you wanted the passenger to be helped but the circumstances didn’t easily lend itself to that.
Would it have been helpful to have said: Is there someone who is seated nearby to check on our fellow passenger?
Dan, your wisdom is enlightening and your honesty is endearing. Sometimes I wonder if we start thinking about potential lawsuits instead of what we can do to help. My adult nephew has disabilities and autism. He can walk but has to be guided. I was walking him out of church when he tripped on a rug and started to fall. Two gentlemen rushed over to steady him. They insisted on helping me walk him out to the car because the incident scared him. I was touched by their fast action and compassion. This was a valuable lesson for me in compassion over conformity.
Hi Dan, the question for you now isn’t what stopped me doing anything in a situation I can’t change… but what will I do differently in a similar situation; makes the self conversation active and future focussed… and you can only change your future not your past!!
John
“Choose compassion over conformity.”
That is something anyone (not just leaders) can benefit from. And in the type of world we live in when some people cry out for compassion, yet like in this story, we seem to find excuses not to show compassion.
Thanks for this thought-provoking article, Dan!