A New Question That Invites a Story
During a listening exercise, a young woman asked a question I’ve never asked.
I led a group on a listening exercise. The instructions were simple.
Listen to ask a question.
She asked, “How did that become important to you?” Her question invites a story.
The anatomy of a question:
Questions show:
- Respect.
- Openness to explore.
- Willingness to learn.
#1. Avoid, “Why is that important?”
“Why” questions:
- Might feel like accusations.
- Invite reasons. The answer to a “why question” is a reason, not a relationship.
- Encourage excuses. “Why did you hit your brother?” is answered with a justification.
I often ask, “What makes that important to you?”
- “What” invites reflection. (You might say “why” invites reflection and you’d be right. I prefer “what.”)
- Adding “to you” invites personal reflection.
#2. Good questions are short.
The longer you talk before asking a question, the more you answer your own question.
Avoid long stories and elaborate explanations before asking questions.
“Tell me more,” is a great question that isn’t really a question.
A good question might be, “Hmm,” combined with raised eyebrows and a smile.
#3. Avoid questions that begin with didn’t, don’t, isn’t, or couldn’t.
“Don’t you think…,” is an assumption pretending to be curious.
Assumptions offend curiosity.
The person who asks a question that begins with didn’t, don’t, isn’t, or couldn’t is trying to:
- Judge your intelligence.
- Look smart.
- Control the conversation.
- Give an answer by asking a question.
#4. Practice silence.
Stop talking after asking a question.
Use eagerness to talk as a trigger to zip it.
Don’t mistake introversion for listening. An introvert can be as arrogant and disinterested as an extrovert.
Tip:
If you try the “Listen to ask a question” exercise, don’t answer the question. The point is to learn how to ask questions, not answer them.
Questions are invitations to connect.
What suggestions for questions might you add?
Bonus material:
Better Brainstorming (HBR)
Great lesson! I needed it today.
Best wishes, Tim.
Seems so easy: “Listen to ask a question”, but it’s really hard to do. When management comes with a pressing issue –often dealing with staff issues — it seems the best way to go is to offer a solution so the situation is resolved before it blows up. However, that just means the same management staff come back again and again to get ‘the fix’. Allowing others to talk more by asking a good question may get them to talk out a solution; often surprising the speaker.
Thanks Mary Ellen. It’s true. We unintentionally train people to come to us when we offer quick solutions. That slows people down and adds stress to us.
THAT is a great question to ask people. It would go hand in hand with always assessing “why” are we doing this task or that task. I cannot wait to get them thinking with it!
Thanks David. Her question blew me away. Powerful.
I love it. As a chaplain, this speaks to me. Thanks for adding this question to my toolbox.
Thanks Kathy. Glad you found it useful. I love the question.
Awesome!
The first person I must apply today’s learning is MY WIFE. Her first and last inquiry is normally, “Why?” It drives me crazy because it FEELS accusatory before or if there is any substance or content in the query or ATTACK.
Thank you.
Thanks C. I don’t want to get between you and your wife! 🤷♂️
Great stuff Dan. It seems like the “why” questions can just roll off the tongue so easily — especially with family members when we are frustrated. Obviously teenagers can be an easy “target.”
Whether it is a teenager, spouse or colleague at work, this is a very important principle.
If we have trust and a heart that cares deeply for the person, it makes it much easier to ask questions that open up discussion rather than shut it down.
Thanks pope. Great insight. Curiosity and caring go together.
Hi Mr. Rockwell,
I am an 8th grade Social Studies teacher. I know I am not a business person like the a lot of your followers. I go back and forth with wanting to be a school administrator.
None the less, this question really intrigued me. I have been wanting to try and get my 13-14-year-olds more engaged in lessons and I thought this question would be great to ask them!
Obviously, the only problem is we are learning about Early American History (the 1600s – 1890s) and asking the question “How did this become important to you,” is kind of hard to ask/understand to Jr. High students.
This is definitely a difficult question to ask any age group of students but at the same time, I feel like it would get students thinking about their own ideas, thoughts, and values instead of putting an answer down from their textbook. Also, I feel like they would be more engaged because it is about them and me as the teacher showing interest in them and what they think.
Instead of memorizing a date, war, person, etc I want my students to apply what we are learning and why we are learning it and the importance of having history classes in all grade levels.
Any help, insight, thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
8th Grade History
Thank you Chad. I wish you well as you consider your journey. Who knows? YOu might end up in administration.
Regarding your students. I wonder if inserting “them” into the question helps.
When studying Early Americans, “What made xyz important to THEM?” Or, “How did xyz become important to THEM.”
Also, could the use of a person be substituted for THEM?
Hi Mr. Rockwell,
Thank you very much for your insight!
I will try this.
Acting as a business analyst, I ask “why” all the time, but it is true that it can sound accusatory. Perhaps the question “Why do you X that way?” could be asked “How did this process get developed?” or “What led to this process being developed?”
Thanks for your insights Diane. Sometimes “Why” is appropriate. Having said that, I find your suggested approach intriguing.
Hi Dan – I really enjoyed this post and the comments along with it. I like thought provoking questions and will try this one out. By the way, what made this topic important to you today?!
Thanks Lisa. This post became important when I felt the power of the HOW QUESTION. I’m always watching for something to write about. Anything that impacts me is fair game for Leadership Freak.
Thanks for asking.
Words have power: in communications, in naming, in technology, in peace talks, in negotiations, everywhere.
I’m adding this phrase to my repertoire. This one is about inviting a story from the past.
It also reminded me of another phrase I learned at an NVC session: ‘What’s coming up for you?’, which invites a story of the present, helps the other person be present too.
Again words have power – such a small nuance and such a different response. Pretty cool! 🙂
Thanks Daniel. Your question, “What’s coming up for you?” is wonderful. Anything that moves people toward the future is helpful.
Thanks for this! I love learning to ask better questions. It helps me slow down in assessing a person or situation. And learning to ask good questions has definitely made me a better listener.
BUT DAN!! I wanna know “How did that become important to you?” That is a great question and I also want to know the answer. haha