Making the Most of Dissatisfaction
When nagging dissatisfaction drives your leadership, teams struggle, relationships flounder, and results always disappoint.
Persistent dissatisfaction eventually becomes intolerable. Escape seems the only resolution.
The answer to dissatisfaction is learning to find satisfaction, not running from dissatisfaction.
The continually dissatisfied haven’t learned how to be satisfied.
How to navigate dissatisfaction without losing passion for excellence:
#1. Learn to feel two opposing emotions at once.
You are capable of feeling opposing emotions at the same time. (Cognition and Emotion)
A suffering parent dies. You feel both grief and relief. Your only son or daughter marries. You feel both joy and sadness.
You earn a promotion and you feel excitement and anxiety.
- Acknowledge negative emotion. Reflect on positive emotion. Satisfaction is a product of reflection, not circumstances.
- Practice giving compliments and expressing gratitude. When was the last time you said, “Thank you?”
- Consider how a dissatisfying situation is an opportunity for meaningful contribution.
#2. Realize eliminating problems isn’t the answer to finding satisfaction.
Problem free teams and organizations aren’t the solution to finding satisfaction. When problems and difficulties go down, satisfaction doesn’t automatically go up.
Eliminating a negative doesn’t automatically produce a positive.
Low income produces dissatisfaction, but an increase in income isn’t the answer to feeling satisfied. (Argyle/Martin)
Dissatisfaction continues because we haven’t learned to be satisfied. Your level of satisfaction in life is more about you than it is about life.
- Focus on solution-finding more than problem-declaring.
- Develop skills and practices that produce satisfaction. Practice full engagement and gratitude, for example.
- Ask yourself why you fear satisfaction.
#3. Create trajectory and momentum.
You need enough dissatisfaction to motivate, not so much dissatisfaction that it overwhelms.
Forget about attainment. Acceptable progress is leadership’s greatest achievement.
You rise to meet dissatisfaction when you believe you can resolve it.
How might leaders experience satisfaction and dissatisfaction at the same time?
What does learning to be satisfied – while pursuing excellence – look like?
Bonus material:
How to be More Satisfied with Your Life – 5 Steps Proven by Research (Time)
Stop Worrying about things you Can’t Control (Inc)
Dan, in most organisations, this isn’t the approach:
“The answer to dissatisfaction is learning to find satisfaction, not running from dissatisfaction.”
In most places, the answer to dissatisfaction is considered to be to grow a thicker skin, learn to accept pain/suffering/discomfort and move on from there. Or finding satisfaction by finding that you are suffering less pain than before…
Thanks Mitch. There’s something to the idea of learning not to be easily offended. But it seems like only part of the story.
I’m satisfied with the progress we have made, but dissatisfied that we have hit a plateau and stopped growing.
Thanks Paul. The question becomes what are you willing to do address dissatisfaction. But the idea of feeling both satisfaction and dissatisfaction is helpful. Perhaps more leaders would benefit from this ability.
St. Paul speaks of this as contentment. And he says it’s a secret: “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need” (Phi 4:11-12 ESV). Satisfaction is not self-evident, but it can be learned. Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks Pete. You notice the word that I stuck out to me. I have “learned.” It seems that satisfaction doesn’t come natural. The natural state seems to be discontent.
Having mentioned natural state, I’m thinking about our individual – in born – happiness set point. Our natural level of happiness is biological. Research indicates that about 50% of our happiness level is biological and 50% is the result of choices.
Dan, your posts on dissatisfaction the last two days have hit me right where I am at the moment. These words today really hit home: “Dissatisfaction continues because we haven’t learned to be satisfied. Your level of satisfaction in life is more about you than it is about life.” It has helped me to see that the situation is not hopeless and that I am not helpless, but that I am able to take action, make choices and decisions that will move me out of feeling dissatisfied. Sometimes I feel like the only choice I have is to be and remain dissatisfied. You’ve helped me to see that if I remain dissatisfied forever, it’s because I’ve chosen to feel that way. Thank You!
Thanks Darren. I appreciate your story. I believe dissatisfaction is an important part of leadership. It seems like you have one side of the equation. Now, for the other side. I note the comment above yours which refers to “Learning” contentment. I wish you well on the journey.
I believe gratitude is important — no matter what the situation, you can always find something to be grateful for, even if you need to look a little hard.
Thanks Jesse. Research supports your belief. Few things are more powerful than habitual gratitude practice.
I do have a question though, Dan. As far as focusing on solutions, not problems — what if you have come up with several solutions to frustrating situations, but your suggestions are always shot down and leadership is resistant to try anything for improvement? There is normal frustration, but it seems to be a deeper level of frustration when you’re trying to improve things, but you’re not permitted to do anything. Do you have any thoughts on this?
Jesse,
Assuming your solution won’t cost a lot of money—ask leadership if you could try your solution for 60 days and see what happens. If it doesn’t work try something else.
Build a coalition—get 6 of your co-workers who support your idea. Now –7 people are asking leadership to give it a try. Strength in numbers.
Hi Jesse. Paul’s suggestion make lots of sense to me. Pilot programs feel safer than making permanent change.
I wonder if there are ways to make small changes without asking permission. Just make something a little better.
Your observation that aspiration can cause frustration is important. Sometime the frustration of NOT making progress causes us to just give up. That’s self-defeating. But a desire for personal growth or organizational improvement can cause frustration.
As the saying goes, “Try hard not to offend, and try harder not to be offended.”
Thanks Jim. Glad to see you. I gotta say, being easily offended is frustrating for the person and frustrating for those around them. I can’t see much good in being easily offended.
You should have sat in on some of my lectures this past semester and you would understand my point. I am going to begin every lecture next Spring with this saying as the first slide. The course is on health systems, policies, and management. Fairly controversial subjects this past semester, if you know what I mean.
Well, the thing that comes to mind is, “It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.” 🙂
All in all, it was a good semester with 34 students. I learned a lot about this generation’s take on a number of health topics. Next time I teach it, I want to reach out to you regarding a leadership lecture. I would have this past semester, but I was on a very short fuse and had to refresh the course as we were going along.