5 Ways to Deal with Tommy Touchhole
A touchhole is the small hole in early firearms through which the charge is ignited. Tommy Touchhole reacts to slight offenses with inordinate intensity.
Insignificant issues have disproportionate impact on touchy people.
You might be a touchhole if:
- Everyone dances around your feelings.
- Taking offense is an art-form.
- Everything you see and hear is a plot to undermine your credibility. Paranoia leads to taking offense.
- You focus more on receiving respect than giving it.
- Negative thoughts spiral in your brain at night.
- Negative feedback offends you to the point that you can’t hear it.
- You spend too much time worrying about what people think of you.
5 Ways to deal with Tommy Touchhole:
#1. When possible, respect Mr. Touchhole’s sensitivities – as long as they don’t significantly disrupt teams.
Most of us are Tommy Touchhole in one way or another.
#2. Explore advantages. I worked with an administrative assistant that was touchy about the way things were done. Her job required sensitivity to details.
What you call touchy might be a strength.
#3. Challenge Mr. Touchhole to get in touch with his compassionate self. “What does your compassionate self tell you to do next?” When Tommy tries to squirm out of compassion, hold his feet to the fire. “I hear your concern, but what would be true if you leaned into compassion right now?”
Anyone who argues against a reasonable course of action is trapped by self-affirming inaction.
#4. Clarify values. “I notice that you’re upset about this situation. What does your response say about you and your values?”
#5. Create replacement responses. “How would you like to respond when something sets you off?” “What will you do the next time you feel slighted?” for example.
Curiosity is often a useful response to strong emotion.
Bonus: Provide a coach or mentor. Growth happens in trusting relationship.
What signs indicate that your have a Tommy Touchhole on your team?
How might leaders effectively deal with Tommy Touchhole?
Bonus material:
Leadership Derailters: Taking Offense (Leadership Freak)
10 Tips for Highly Sensitive People (PsychCentral)
Tell them to “take a chill pill”! Seriously some people just have short fuses and dealing with them can be a challenge “Psycho 101”. Typically I tend to listen and when they are down at my response after letting them cool down a bit perhaps the 10 second rule, and convey to them we can handle the situation. Let them know we have control over the situation and see how they respond. Love “your labels” this week as well!
Happy Friday 🙂
Thanks Tim. A little time does a lot of good when emotions are high. Tommy might need to count to 30 or more. 🙂
It might also be helpful to understand why they are touchy. Figuring out the underlying issue may lead to understanding and a coaching moment.
Ditto that:
Curiosity is usually the best response to strong emotion
(but only up to the point of it becoming abusive/violence…
in which case a firm, “Enough!” may be necessary).
Thanks Rurbane. Nice to see you today. Perhaps it’s important to note that compassion or empathy or listening or curiosity are NOT reasons to let people walk on you…
Or you could just get rid of them. Very few star performers (and touch-holes seldom are) have value greater than the drag they create on the rest of the organization.
Thanks Douglas. Love the use of “drag.” Anyone who creates drag is an issue. We should spend a little reflecting on the idea that we might unintentionally create drag.
Thank you Dan, I like
— #4. Clarify values. “I notice that you’re upset about this situation. What does your response say about you and your values?” —
Expressed empathetically I think this can open a dialogue, and — for me– creating a conversation with these folks can be a challenge.
Thanks Ken. Empathy feels like an open door. I’m glad you added the insight that these inquires are more effective when accompanied by empathy.
Thanks for the thoughtful post Dan, what do you recommend when it is your superior? I can’t say to them, “What does your response say about you and your values?” Although I do like the idea of asking them to lean into their compassion.
Thanks Veronica. It’s always harder to change others than ourselves. 😉
I wonder if asking a superior, “What’s important to you right now?” might start a useful conversation and invite them to reflect on their behavior/attitude.
In the moment we might say, “I notice you feel strongly about this. What’s important to you?”
If the relationship is strong enough. “I’m surprised at your response to this. Help me understand what’s important to you right now?” Or, “What are you hoping to achieve?”
A sincere inquiry goes a long way, as long as we aren’t being manipulative.
Just a thought to get the ball rolling.
Telling that today’s post isn’t about fathers and their weaknesses…
Not intended for dads, CJ. But if the shoe fits… 🙂
Emotional word pictures can help the dialogue with such a person. For example, using an illustration of how you were a Tommy Touchole to someone, and then express what you learned and how you changed the way you responded.
Thanks az. Love the idea of touching imagination with word pictures. It seems to open the mind to new ways of viewing things. So glad you jumped in.
Thank you, Dan, also for sparking the conversation.