Managing Hotheads is Like Handling Rattle Snakes
Dealing with hotheads is like handling rattle snakes. It’s thrilling if you have proper training and equipment.
Three hot-heads on a team are better than one seething manipulator.
Hotheads express their concerns. Seething backstabbers are like the Energizer Bunny. They keep going and going, but you might never discover their real concerns.
Hotheads tell you what they want. Backstabbers might never tell you what they want and then hold it against you when you don’t give it.
4 reasons people lose their temper:
#1. It’s natural. Hot headed leaders blow up quickly and move on just as quickly.
#2. It’s bullying. Bullying leaders use anger to pressure people into compliance.
#2. It’s unmet need. You need to feel heard, but no one listens – eventually you blow.
Unmet emotional needs eventually find expression in hot emotion.
#3. It’s timidity. When people don’t speak up, issues build up until they blow up.
Natural hotheads:
In another life, I worked for a hothead. He got red in the face and yelled when things didn’t go right. In a short time he acted like nothing happened.
My hotheaded boss knew what he wanted and he was decisive.
Natural hotheads are naturally passionate.
I wonder if removing his quick temper might have neutered him.
Hotheads can learn to manage outburst, but bulging veins and tight lips get the message across.
Managing rattle snakes:
- Engage in constructive conversations after hotheads cool down. An outburst opens the door to discuss any tough topic.
- Acknowledge that hotheads care deeply. How might you better leverage their passion?
- Teach people to use the duck method. Let outbursts roll off your back. When my hotheaded boss went off, I ignored him.
How might a hothead be an advantage to a team?
What suggestions do you have for managing hotheads?
Afterword:
I’m not defending abusive spouses or perpetually angry people.
This post began as an indictment of hotheads. I chose the opposite path to challenge the status quo. Perhaps I’ve stirred your thinking.
Hotheads may bring up the “elephant in the room.”
You can try to help and coach Hotheads on how to better manage their emotions. Easier said than done.
As a team leaders it’s your responsibility to model and hold people accountable to team values and operating principles. When hothead violate team principles they must be help accountable.
Thanks Paul. You can try to coach a hothead, but the hotheads I have known probably won’t change.
Holding a hothead accountable might help. But, I think you would have to be very clear about your expectations and state them with firmness. (I could be wrong, but the hotheads I have known respond to firm direction better than gentleness.)
Dan, Hotheads are very challenging. I agree with all of your points.
This was a useful post, thanks Dan! I have a new leadership position and read your posts every morning.
I agree with your strategy for managing hotheads, but how do we help people who cannot find their inner duck, and feel damaged by hothead behaviors?
Thanks Leslie. Great question! Some people are never going to be “comfortable” around hotheads. Here are some ideas that might help, but probably won’t solve their concerns.
1. Protect gentle spirits from hotheads by assigning them to different tasks. (If the size of your team allows.)
2. Teach people how to be assertive without being aggressive. It might be good for the gentle spirits to learn how to speak up.
3. Decide if the hothead is worth the trouble. If not, manage them out.
4. Give the gentle spirits permission to leave the vicinity when there’s an episode. “You can leave any meeting where Mr/Ms Hothead blows.” (Don’t tell the Hothead about this strategy. Just let it happen.)
5. Give the gentle spirits a half-day off. (A version of #4.)
6. Penalize Mr/Ms Hothead for every episode in the office. Give the hothead $100 at the beginning of a month. Take 50 bucks back for each episode. Begin each month this way. (Use whatever dollar amount seems appropriate. Just set it up so that they lose money when they lose their temper.)
7. Give the rest of the team the money Mr/Ms Hothead loses.
Thanks for your question. Maybe something comes to your mind after reading my ramblings?
Interesting post – thanks Dan. I work with a hothead on a non-profit board, frankly, it sets up an inconsistency in my head I have trouble getting past. I see it largely as manipulation– if he’s not getting his way he raises the pain level in the room.. while I respect his position I struggle to respect this side of his personality.
You’ve contributed some more constructive paths.
HI Dan, this is a great topic! If you confront a hot head during an “episode” you just end up with an argument. What do you think about having a conversation with a hot head when he is not hot and discuss how you should react when they blow up? I would think SOME hot heads would be fine with saying, let’s talk about this in an hour, or tomorrow.
Thanks Ken. I struggled with this post. Getting along with hotheads has been easy for me. My wife agrees with you on the manipulation point.
I don’t experience that rush of anger very often so it’s hard to understand what’s going on for a hothead. Having said that, our tolerance for bullies should be very low.
I’m still grappling with a good response to having a hothead on the team.
Hey Ken, the other thing that comes to mind is don’t reward manipulation. A hothead might create an opening to discuss an issue, but it doesn’t seem like a good thing to give them authority to impose their solution.
Dan,
I’ve been reading your blog for a few years now and it has been a great comfort to me trying to lead my business. This post was right on for me this morning. Thank you.
Wow… thanks Lisa. This topic is tough. I’m so glad you got something out of it.
Well Dan,
I guess I fall into the hot head category. Does it bother me when other leaders on my team make their emergency’s mine because of poor planning and no preparation, sure it does. I adapt rather quickly. At work I have to always have a plan or goal at what I’m doing I even get up early to make sure I prep myself to bring my best self for our team . I don’t scream or yell at my fellow team but I get aggressively honest and sometimes let my fellow team mate know how I feel. It does irritate me and at times agitate me. This was a really good read because it fits my personality somewhat. I have been taking this COVID time to do self help brain work and your leadership technics have really helped me with the goals I put in place for myself. Thanks Dan!!
Thanks Marvin. It’s great that you jumped in. One thing that’s important to me is realizing that hotheads are often filled with passion and make incredible contributions to the team.
Love the expression, “aggressively honest.” I wish you well on the journey. I’m concerned about the loss of passion that might happen if a hothead loses their hotness. But, I also understand that there can be difficulties and disruption as well. Seems like we’re both exploring.
As one who might be considered a hothead at times, I suggest it might be worth have an in-depth conversation as to why that person might have gotten hot at certain times. If you are unwilling to take the steps necessary to correct behavior that results in people getting hot, then you will have figure out how to live with that hothead.
Gentle spirits may be disorganized and inconsiderate of the time taken from that hothead. Managing out the hothead may leave you with a team that cannot be reliable.
I care about the job I do, so my shortcoming may be in expecting others to care as much for the job they do, and being disappointed.
Thanks Hot. I’m so thankful for your contribution. The hotheads I have known cared deeply. It might be good if they found better ways to express their care, but frankly, most won’t change.
The idea of a conversation may be useful. I’ve asked hotheads, What do you want? How is blowing up getting what you want?
Usually they just want people to do the right thing. It takes more conversation to see that there’s more to work and relationships than just getting things done. The way we interact matters. But, I’ll go back to a basic premise. Don’t expect a hothead to change. Personally, I appreciate a dedication to excellence.
If I may, a point of reflection occurs to me. If we aren’t careful, others become excuses and justifications. “It’s your fault that I blew up,” feels a bit like blame. 🙂
Thanks again. It’s gratifying to see comments from hotheads.
Nature/Hothead :
i.e. Frustration … Unmet need/Desire/ Passion.
Temper 3 to Temper 1 abv. (and back again).
vs.
Nurture/Seething Serpent :
i.e. Anger … Bully / Victim.
Temper 2 to Temper 4 abv. (and back again).
One of the most overlooked realities we experience is that there are visceral/palpable/notable differences between expressions of frustration and anger –
we most often conflate frustration to anger …
and thus
Passion to Violence.
It’s not what (actually) happens;
but that’s “our story and we’re stickin’ to it.”
Whether Hothead or Seething Serpent,
as my dear, ancient Nana modeled for me from 5 – 7 yrs. old, the best practice is to exclaim back at them,
“Bless you!”
(as if they’d sneezed – Same tone, same expression).
If they sneeze again, exclaim, “Gesundheit!”
(“Health!” to you).
A third time, “God give you breath!” while approaching them as if to deliver the Hemmlich.
The hotheads, at that point, will laugh, and say, “I love you too.” And hug you.
The serpents will recoil; and spit again.
Now you know how to manage the difference between natural frustration and nutured anger. Me, I chose to laugh and move on.
Thanks Rurbane. I laughed out loud when I got to Nana’s best practice. Love it.
Your observation about different expressions is important. I intentionally focused on Hotheads because they seem easy to identify with their tendency to get over their emotional heat quickly.
Bless you! 🙂
,😂
In the interest of honesty, I should admit that I modified the actual ending …
Nana was a strict physical disciplinarian (i.e. true Catholic nun), and so instead of the Hemmlich (my own derivation) she would more often than not deliver an expert and acute whack on the back (or back of the neck) as the last word to unacceptable temperment…
such that I began to hear, “Bless you, young one, for you have sinned” instead of just , “Bless you.”
Sometimes bullying the bully is called for.😎
Interesting you use the expression, bullying the bully. That exact expression is in my notes on a post about bullying. 🙂
What she taught me was to knock the bully on his butt before he hurt you, or others, …
Not so acceptable today.
What she told me was, you ain’t all that: so stop it.
This was my Dad. To quote Leslie Knope, “That was him caring loudly at me.”
I was 50(!) before I finally met him with Empathy and Boundaries. “I appreciate that you care a lot about me and my family, and I know that’s where this is coming from. And, you’re way out of line. First, I’m in a client’s waiting room. Second, she’s my daughter, and I’m way closer to the situation than you are. I’ll call you tonight and hear what you have to say after you’ve cooled down.”
My daughter has my father’s personality, minus the history of trauma. I think when she was about 15 she told him to “Knock it off, Grandpa!” and they got on famously.
Mere hotheads demonstrate in many other ways that they are totally on your side, and the team’s side. Like you said, passion you would never want them to lose. Fierce love. That was my Dad (I miss him!) Sometimes they’ll apologize for losing it, but often not because they’re ashamed, which they wouldn’t be if they didn’t care.
With bullies (and worse) the explosions are just one tool in the belt, tools to keep you little and doing what they want.
Glad you joined in, Wretch. You bring up a difficult situation. Maybe it shouldn’t, but I feel that a hotheaded parent is different from a hotheaded boss.
You can’t get away from a hotheaded parent. And, as you indicate, it can take a long time to deal with the damage. Having said that, it’s a pleasure to read how you navigated the path and miss your dad.
In the interest of honesty, I should admit that I modified the actual ending …
Nana was a strict physical disciplinarian (i.e. true Catholic nun), and so instead of the Hemmlich (my own derivation) she would more often than not deliver an expert and acute whack on the back (or back of the neck) as the last word to unacceptable temperment…
such that I began to hear, “Bless you, young one, for you have sinned” instead of just , “Bless you.”
Sometimes bullying the bully is called for.😎
One manner that has served me well over the years having to deal with the proverbial hothead is, DON’T REWARD THE BAD BEHAVIOR… Amazing how fast an attitude can change when they find themselves on a project all alone or those qualified for the task not wanting to work with them. A team leader cannot lead with no team to lead…Once in a lifetime tolerated, maybe and if the sky is falling, I can understand but as a mode of operation, unacceptable. I have changed diapers but my kids where immature, young and didn’t understand the mess they were making for others to clean up.. Hotheads stifle the creative juice needed for proper success of a project.
P.S. In my mid 60’s and in management since my mid 20’s. Been around for a while
Thanks Ron. Surprisingly, I’m using the idea of “mess” in a future post. Maybe on Friday. 🙂
Don’t reward bad behavior makes sense. Don’t automatically give in. Your experience seems to suggest that the trouble isn’t worth the work. I’m going to post on that topic Friday.
I think there’s a difference between rewarding and tolerating. … maybe it’s a small difference.