Show Me Your Friends and I’ll Show You Your Future
John Donne wrote, “No man is an island…”
Don’t treat yourself like an island during self-reflection.
Our world expands when we understand ourselves in connection, not isolation.
Self-reflection reeks of conceit when its main concern is self-advantage.
A few months ago, I made a list of friends to use as points of reflection. It’s one of the best things I’ve done for personal development. I ask questions like:
- How are they fulfilled? Frustrated?
- What attitudes, behaviors, and choices enrich their fulfillment or multiply their frustration?
- How might I emulate a quality that serves them well?
- How might I take warning from their example?
When faced with tough decisions, I ask myself, “What would (insert name) do in this situation?”
The Achievers in my life nudge me toward urgent action. The warning I take from Achievers is enjoy the process and don’t bowl over people. Frankly, I bowl over people without anyone’s help.
Empaths nudge me toward consideration of others. The warning I take from Empaths is don’t make things harder than they actually are.
Optimistic friends teach me to lighten up. See the good side. The threat of optimism is underestimating difficulties.
Wooers remind me to build and maintain relationships. The threat of woo is talking too much and listening too little.
The Commanders in my life teach me to make decisions quicker. The warning I take from Commanders is don’t expect people to perform in their weaknesses.
Fundamental observation:
Those with the deepest commitment to personal development and growth experience more opportunity and contribution. They often overcome patterns of frustration that I see nagging others.
Effective self-reflection – with others in mind – grants entry to the influence of others in your life.
Get intentional about the influences you allow on your leadership.
“Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.” Unknown
What valuable lessons or warnings have you learned from others?
Bonus Material:
How to Learn from People Around You (Even if They Have Different Views) (Forbes)
How to Succeed in Life by Learning from Others (Life Optimizer)
Good post, which reminds me of Proverbs 11:14 “For lack of guidance a people falls; security lies in many counselors.” (NABRE)
Thanks Duane. I hadn’t thought about my list of friends in the context of counselors. That’s a great lens to use.
BTW, after making the list, I called some and asked them about their strengths. I asked the empath about empathy and the commander about decision-making. They were very insightful – in the context of their talent – as you might expect.
Dan, your blog post reminds me of the title of one of Keith Ferrazzi’s books: “Many Network, Few Connect.” There is such an emphasis for your professionals on networking. Those of us who have been around awhile realize that connections and relationships are really what drive fulfillment.
Thanks Lawrence. So true. I continue to learn that building and maintaining a few great relationships delivers unusual benefit for mutual advantage.
Obviously, many thin relationships are important. But a few deeper relationships bring deep value.
My exercise was useful because I know the people on the list pretty well.
“Those with the deepest commitment to personal development and growth experience more opportunity and contribution. They often overcome patterns of frustration that I see nagging others.” This stands out for me and it describes the outcomes of my personal commitment which I’ve been driven to and from for the last 40 years. How did I get that “drive”, my parents most notably my father and my Grandfathers all set the example. My challenge how do I transfer or convince the “young ins” that I engage with the idea of passionate personal development and growth and what it can result in. Most of the “young ins” I seem to deal with are waiting for someone or some urge to develop. Is it because they have not had an engaged family influence like I had?
Thanks Roger. The commitment to learn something is easier than the commitment to develop. One can learn without developing. I think this happens frequently.
It took me a long time to realize the difference. Learning has been important to me and my family for as long as I have memory. But personal development is another matter.
Learning how to do something is easier than learning how to be someone.
You’re fortunate to have examples that showed you the way. In my experience this is rare.
How does one convince the young ins to adopt your commitment. What a great question!
I wonder about…
1. Leveraging moments of frustration.
2. Pointing out the quality in people they admire and aspire to emulate.
3. Allowing failure and aiding them in the process personal growth. What does this say about you? (Providing an opportunity for non-judgement reflection seems essential)
4. Explore aspirations and ask what type of person achieves the things you aspire to achieve? How might you become that person? Should you even try?
But, in the end, they say you can’t coach passion. It’s the first thing I look for in the people I work with.
1. Leveraging moments of frustration.
2. Pointing out the quality in people they admire and aspire to emulate.
3. Allowing failure and aiding them in the process personal growth. What does this say about you? (Providing an opportunity for non-judgement reflection seems essential)
4. Explore aspirations and ask what type of person achieves the things you aspire to achieve? How might you become that person? Should you even try?
But, in the end, they say you can’t coach passion. It’s the first thing I look for in the people I work with. Dan those details are what I worked on with my now 27 year old Daughter and am deep working on with my 25 year old son. I know it worked for my Daughter and it is working for my son. I am amazed that more parents do not take an active approach on this, are they just too lazy or unknowing or both?
Dan
One of my oldest European business friends
told me I seem to spend most of my time with people that I: Like, Respect and Trust.
That combination is hard to find.
Brad
Interesting that you bring this up, Brad. I would apply Like, Respect, and Trust in specific ways when I think of my friends.
I don’t respect everything about them. I don’t like everything about them. Of the three terms, trust seems most broadly applicable.
The reason I mention this is that it’s the things that irritate me about my friends that often provides the most instruction.
Dan, at 72 I find I have become far pickier about who I am friends with and who I am willing to refresh as friends. I have “friends” that range from nice to be around to ones willing to take a bullet for me and me for them. In these times, I tend to hang with the latter more than the former.
Hey Jim. I with you. A few great friends is better than a ton of thin relationships. Don’t get me wrong, we all need thin relationships. Who knows, some of them might become great friends. 🙂
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