How to Stop Asking, “How are You?” and Create Real Conversation
Stop asking stupid questions like:
- How are you?
- How are you doing?
- How are you feeling?
You already know how people are doing. The future feels like mushy spaghetti.
Answers to, “How are you?” sound inane because they are. What’s worse than “Fine”?
What if “How are you?” comes from your heart. Chances of connecting are like a forecast of rain in the Sahara.
Better questions:
- What are you working on?
- What’s next on your agenda?
- What challenges are you facing?
- What’s working for you?
- What’s new in your life?
- What are you looking forward to?
- What would you like to get done today?
Noticing:
“Open your eyes before you open your mouth.”
“Let’s say you’re talking to the CEO of a large, iconic company who is about to retire, and you noticed a row of empty boxes along the wall of the CEO’s office. You might start with the question, “How hard is it for you to leave this job?” Gary Burnison, CEO, KORN FERRY
Last interaction:
I’ve been imagining that I’m having my last interaction. (I keep my imagining to myself.) What would you ask or notice if this was your last interaction with someone?
The advantages of a ‘last interaction’ approach:
- Deep listening.
- Noticing expressions and gestures.
- Responding with genuine interest.
I ask about people’s stories when I imagine it’s my last interaction. Recently I asked someone about the first teacher they remember from elementary school.
In another conversation I asked, “What was your most embarrassing moment?” You could ask, “What was your proudest moment?”
How might you have authentic conversations?
What’s the value of having authentic conversations?
Bonus material:
50 Questions to Ask Someone Instead of “How Are You” (Medium)
What to Ask Instead of ‘How are You?’ During a Pandemic (Atlantic)
How to Skip the Small Talk and Connect with Anyone (TEDx)
Dan,
I see your point the top 3 are connecting points for us when we don’t talk with someone for a period of time, I will call it “the cordial side” a bit old fashioned perhaps, yet shows we do care. The added points you have are brought out are a way to create some activity, well beyond the cordial side which invites a greater detailed conversation. I like your viewpoints and see a way to change some communications for sure.
Thanks Tim. Yes, “how are you,” is good manners.
Excellent post! This is very helpful information. I have been checking in with my team more frequently due to remote status, and most pandemic articles stressed the importance of asking how the person is doing not just what they are working on. Your questions will allow for real conversation, even if it has to be over Zoom 🙂 Thank you for equipping me to be a better leader.
Thanks Anna. I wish you well. I’m a little tired of “how are you.” The sentiment is useful. The question is a bit worn.
Also I tried to include some questions that are about the work and some about the person.
Great points, Dan. We not only ask perfunctory questions, we sometimes make outlandish statements like, “I know how you feel!” Whether we lead with questions or statements, your advice to open our eyes before opening our mouths is essential. In your illustration of the departing executive, you could have easily led with statements like, “It must be tough to leave the company after so many years!” or “Those empty boxes seem to be full of memories.” to connect, provoke thought, and enable a meaningful conversation.
Thanks Paul. Love that you poked at “I know how you feel.” It’s a way to steel a conversation. It feels belittling. (We should acknowledge that empathy is a good thing.)
My high school teacher always said “don’t tell me about your indigestion- how are you is a greeting, not a question.” Real listening and deeper conversations have to go beyond greetings. Thanks for this reminder and tips to make dialogue more meaningful.
Thanks Jane. Yes…think of How are you as a greeting, not a real invitation to meaningful conversation. (It could be an invitation, but likely it’s just customary language.
How are you is NOT an invitation to tell me about your life. It’s an invitation to say, “I’m fine, thank you. And you?”
This post rings true on so many levels. Avoid similar questions when you talk to your kids or your spouse about their day. They will give you the standard answer which is no substitute for a real conversation. Our daughter died unexpectedly last month and people are so well-meaning asking how we are and I’m grateful for them reaching out, but even some of the questions prompts you provided would be something useful when people don’t know what to say.
Oh my!! I don’t know how to respond to this!! It’s true. Customary language looses some of its luster when the deep realities of life sink in.
I can’t help but say, “I’m sorry for your loss.” (Even though it feels so completely inadequate.) Also, advice-giving seems ludicrous.
I wish you well.
After my husband suffer a traumatic brain injury and people would ask how are you. His reply…better than you! With a smile. It was such a great reminder to think about what we ask and where we are in life. Works for any situation to stop and think.
Love it, Nancy. Maybe coming up with an unexpected response to a social habit helps establish a bond and builds a foundation for a meaningful exchange.
Great suggestions. Here a few more. “What are you present to right now?” “What is stirring inside you?” “What is making you curious?”
Thanks Ken!! My favorite is, “What’s making you curious?” But, all your suggests are great.
I love ‘the future feels like mushy spaghetti’ That does exactly explain my life at the moment. A great post, especially in this world when we are greeting each other over zoom.
Thanks Lyndie. I notice you often affirm something when you leave a comment. Its encouraging.
Professor Omid Safi sums it up nicely: “’How is your heart doing at this very moment, at this breath?’ When I ask, ‘How are you?’ that is really what I want to know.” https://onbeing.org/blog/the-disease-of-being-busy/
Thanks Kim. Powerful question. Thanks also for extending the conversation.
Someone asked me and I loved it, ” so what is taking up space in your head today?” it was fun and casual…
I would love to be able to listen to how everyone is on a deeper level. But in a typical day in the office, I encounter so many people. Whether it’s someone I rarely see, or someone I see every day, if I stopped to really listen to how they are, I would get no work done. For people I already know a little better, I can take some clues from tone of voice, facial expressions, and gestures, to tell me of any significant changes since last time I’ve seen them. For others, not so much. It’s back to, “How are you?” and some version of, “I’m here at work so I must be ok.”
What’s wrong with hello, hi, greetings, salutations, top of the …you get the rest.
When someone asks me how I am, I just say “Howdy”. And the reply back is usually “good”.
It just goes to show that people aren’t even listening to themselves, let alone others.
Thanks Major. It’s just going through the motions. I suppose from a good manners point of view it’s useful. But that’s about it.