The Troubles You Endure Spring From Reactions You Regret
Rude drivers invite kneejerk reactions. He cut you off. You yell, “Ass hole!” (Perhaps there’s some gesticulation as well.)
Reacting is you with someone else in mind.
Reacting tricks you into believing you’re proactive.
Reacting defends bad with bad. She missed her deadline. You threw her under the bus. The board is out of touch. You keep them in the dark.
Reacting gives the illusion of power. Revenge, for example, feels powerful. But revenge is you governed by someone else.
Responsive not reactive:
Rise to useful response, not kneejerk reaction.
Victor Frankl and his family went to concentration camps in 1942. He lost his father, mother, and wife. In, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” he writes about the power to choose response.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Viktor E. Frankl
Delay:
The difference between reaction and response is delay.
Take a breath, a walk, or a nap before taking action.
Questions that enable response:
- Why am I choosing this course of action?
- What contribution am I working to achieve?
- How am I serving the best interest of others?
- What alternatives are currently available? Create three alternatives before choosing your next step. (Too many alternatives paralyze.)
- What happens if…? Choose an option and run the scenario.
- What would dad say? Explore options from other people’s point of view.
- What if I do nothing? When tempted to react, doing nothing may serve you well.
Response tip:
Prepare a response before you need it.
What’s your prepared – first response – to…
- Missed deadlines?
- Team conflict?
- Negative feedback?
Trouble:
The troubles you endure spring from reactions you regret.
Reacting makes leaders unpredictable, untrustworthy, and ineffective.
What are the dangers/damages of kneejerk reactions?
How might leaders choose response over reaction?
Today’s project: Prepare your response to a challenge that is likely to occur today.
Bonus material:
React vs Respond (PT)
React vs Respond: Understanding the Difference (TheMindFool)
Thanks Dan. A helpful distinction between “reaction” and “response.” We are best able to “respond” when we are: purpose-centered (what result do I hope to create?), inner-directed (what values do I want my response to reveal?), other-focused (what might be true for the other that I could understand better?), and externally-open (what are at least three options available?).
Thanks Ken… love your hyphenated words!! “Responding” begins when we reconnect with purpose. It’s like a guiding light for the following ideas.
Credit where credit is due: These words come Robert and Rya Quinn when they write about “The Fundamental State of L:elder ship,” most recently in their revised version of Lift.
The key to tempering reflex is not taking it personally;
Take nothing personally. It’s not about you; you just happen to be there.
There’s no substitute for experience (you have to make reflexive/instinctive mistakes to know that’s not what you want to do), and you have to be able to reflect/project your innermost/best will most naturally (which takes emotional maturity, also a function of experience).
I’m a big fan of Frankl’s work. The will to meaning is the third point of the psyche’s triangulation of human will:
Primal/Desire (I want),
Influence/Power (I can)
Relation/Meaning (we do)
The center of gravity of the triangle is the fourth will, the will to Integrity/wholeness (we are). Integrity’s goal is to maintain as equilateral a triangle as possible; the more dominant one leg is (reflexive desire to violence, say), the farther out of whack the others get, and integrity is lost and bad/unhealthy things happen to the psyche, individual and collective.
If you don’t take what is happening personally, you are less likely to be manipulated/unbalanced. It’s not easy, though, and takes alot of practice/experience.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Rurbane. I have not read “The Will to Meaning.” I ordered it. While looking, I discovered, “Yes to Life,” as well. I ordered both.
Yes to Life: https://amzn.to/3kWZYXM
The Will to Meaning: https://amzn.to/3cHlRqT
Recommend it all … Frankl may be one of the truly great (and empathetic) humanists affirming life (hopefully not the last, I fear).
Dan, lots of great points from everyone, we really need to step back to let the Brain digest.
Surely the “Knee jerks” we tend to use are out of pure reaction, turns into distraction and may ruin your day. If we survive the incident let the lesson move on, turn the page and keep going to the desired page we are trying to get to.
Thanks Tim. “Turn the page.” … I have to say that this is so useful. Holding on to an offense is a brainless reaction that feels right but only does harm. turn the page… 🙂
What we say in a knee jerk reaction or anger can never be taken back. A lot of good people have broken relationships, personal and professional, by saying something as a reaction instead of a response. Giving yourself a delay to compose your thoughts and think the situation through can only benefit everyone involved.
Your line regarding reactions having someone else in mind is sort of like holding a grudge is taking poison and hoping the other person will succumb to the poison. It does nothing to anyone else except for you.
Thanks Adam. I appreciate your reminder about poison. We shouldn’t expect the other person to die when we eat the poison.
Excellent post today. Good lessons to learn for certain. I have a deck of 3×5 cards that I have out sayings of wisdom on go help me. I like to go through the entire deck when I am dealing with a potential reaction response and find that it helps me to compose a better solution. It is all about staying in the moment. I will be adding parts of this post today to a card for the deck – thank you.
That’s brilliant, John. Your experience of having a reminder handy is something that helps me as well.
Perhaps another tool to help us respond instead of react is having a morning routine that helps us center ourselves and prepare for the day.
Hello, and thank-you for your almost-daily posts; virtually every one is worth reading and reflecting upon. I appreciate it immensely. Just a ‘p.s.’ to this article of yours. I read, years ago, Viktor Frankl’s “Man Search for Meaning”—and then read it again several times through the years. Powerful (the first half, where he chronicles his experience in a concentration camp) and challenging (the second half, where he shares what he learned from it). Your article reminded me of Frankl’s contribution and wisdom. It’s a must-read for virtually all people, for several reasons.
Thanks and God bless! Rev. Douglas Thomps
Thanks Doug. Your comment is an encouragement. I’m with you on Frankl’s work. I’ve done some reading about his life and just picked up a couple new books. Definitely worthwhile. Best wishes
Crucial Conversations changed the way I look at the stories we tell ourselves which lead to reactions.
Thanks Zack. Another great read.
Crucial Conversations – https://amzn.to/2S3SAgK
I completely agree about the need to avoid kneejerk reaction. However, for me the challenge of delay is that it can give the impression of weakness or hesitation. In fact, I’m only trying to prevent “amygdala hijack.” Great post, Dan.
Ego. After reading this post, I reflect-back to my younger days as a hungry up and coming Manager. I was wired to quickly respond, fight to be right and make sure the other person (usually on the other end of an email) knew what I was talking about. Unconsciously, this was in an attempt for me to ‘prove myself’ and fight for respect. In reality, this was driving peers and co-workers away and making it hard for me to achieve what I was actually trying to do. I’ve learned over time to slow down, think about where someone is coming-from and if their wants align with yours or if there is a better conversation (emphasis – conversation) to be had as opposed to a text/email reply. I rolled my eyes at this for years, thinking about just how busy I was and how could I possibly slow down and think about my response to every email or call. Reality is, busy is not productive and sometimes you have to slow down to speed-up.
This post resonated with me and served as a great reminder. Busy leads to stress, stress leads to emotion. Emotion typically leads defeat.